You and Me
by merder32
Summary: "Trust is like a paper. Once it's crumpled, it can't be perfect again." Is it true? Or, can it be proven wrong? The journey of two people as they explore the challenges of rebuilding trust and fixing what's broken. MerDer.
1. You and Me

**A/N: Okay, so this is a post 11x17 fic or a continuation of the final scene of 11x17. My take on Meredith's reply to Derek's compelling and touching make-up speech. AU version since whatever happens on the show after Derek's speech does not happen in my fic.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any characters used here, they all belong to Shonda Rhimes. Neither do I own any song lyrics used in this fic, they all belong to their respective artists. I'm just borrowing them for writing purposes.**

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_**You and Me**_

* * *

_Coming down is never easy_

_When you're climbing on the ceiling_

_My body aches and hands are shaking_

_The heart is slowly breaking_

_I don't know what to do..._

"_I am calling post-it. Zola, Bailey, the tumours on the wall, ferryboat scrub caps. I thought D.C. was everything but I was wrong. You...You are everything. I love you and I'm not going to stop loving you. I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to prove it."_

Meredith looked up at him, not knowing what to say to that. She was rendered speechless by what he had just said. What was she supposed to say to something like that?

She could see the sincerity of his words reflected in his eyes. His eyes were glassy, repentant, and full of love. For her. And yet, she was hesitating; she was hesitating to make her decision.

_It was just a kiss. One kiss is not enough of a reason to throw away my whole marriage. _One part of her said. The part that wanted to forgive Derek and move on. The part that didn't want to live without him.

But the other part? The other part felt betrayed, cheated on, heartbroken. The other part said- _A kiss is never just a kiss. _ The other part was tired of doing this again and again. The other part was tired of forgiving him, giving him another chance only to have him blow that chance and ask for one more.

Would it have been better if Derek had never told her the truth? Would it have been easier if he had chosen to keep the truth from her? What was that saying- What you don't know can't hurt you or whatever.

If Derek had not told her about the kiss, she would have been saved from a lot of pain, a lot of heartache. That much was true. But if Derek had not been honest with her, then the entire foundation of their relationship would have been violated. That was equally true.

In a weird way, she was glad that she knew. It was not something to be glad about obviously, and yet in a dark, twisted way, she was glad that she knew.

It meant that everything had not been a lie. It meant that Derek was still Derek, the man she had fallen in love with. And the man she had fallen in love with was never afraid to do the right thing, no matter what the consequences were.

The fact that Derek had come clean to her about everything made her feel proud of him, of their relationship. The honesty and faithfulness had not faded away from their relationship; they were still there. But was everything else in their relationship still the same?

She knew that she loved him. And he had just said that he loved her. But did he really? Her heart wanted to believe him, but her head was proposing counter-arguments.

If he really loved her, then why had he kissed another woman? What drove him to do that in the first place? Was it just a heat of the moment thing? Had there been no feelings involved? None whatsoever?

She didn't know. She didn't know the answer to any of the questions. He knew. Well, he must know since he was the one who did it.

Should she ask him? He hadn't offered an explanation for his actions; he had only apologized. Should she demand some kind of explanation from him? She was entitled to some sort of answer.

But she was afraid. Too afraid to ask the questions that were buzzing around in her head. She was afraid of hearing the answer. What if the answer was something that she would rather not find out? What if there had been something more to the kiss? What if, on pressing further, he admitted to a different truth?

She did not want to hear that he had kissed another woman because he had been unsatisfied with their relationship. She did not want to find out that he felt like something was missing from their marriage. She wouldn't be able to bear that.

He had confessed earlier that they were in trouble. As much as it pained her to hear that, it was the truth. Their marriage had been on the rocks for months now. They were both struggling and striving to make it work.

What had happened that had led to such a precarious condition of their marriage? They had been so happy after Bailey was born, everything was falling back into place, and they were one of those few couples who achieved their happy ending.

What had changed since then that had brought them to their present situation?

_You and me have lost that feeling_

_Waking up and you're not near me_

_I'm waiting for..._

_Waiting for the sun..._

They had gone through so much. So much, and they had still survived. After everything, their relationship had only grown stronger. An estranged wife, a bomb, a drowning, a gunman, a tampered trial, almost losing Zola, a plane crash, giving birth to Bailey during a super storm; they had probably gone through more bumps than any other couple.

Was this just another bump in the road? Or was it the beginning of the end?

She did not want it to be the end for them; she did not want them to be over yet. And from the looks of it, he did not want that either. Both of them were willing to try and work through this.

But would their willingness and endeavours suffice? What if they were trying to salvage something that had long been lost? Was love enough to help them get through this?

_You and me, we have seen everything_

_Seen the dawn and felt the feeling_

_Felt the love but lost the meaning_

_If you come down off the ceiling_

_I'll come down with you_

He was waiting for an answer. He was looking at her expectantly, wanting to know what her decision was.

She wanted to give him a definite answer too. She wanted to forgive him because she did not want to live without him. That much she knew. What she didn't know was if she had it in her to forgive him anymore.

"I can live without you. " She started to speak, her voice a little raspy.

"I can live without you but I don't want to. I didn't want to. That is why I called you. To tell you that even though I am not dependent on you, I still want to be with you; that I don't need you beside me in order for me to succeed, and yet I want to share my success with you." She paused, her own eyes glassy by now, but her face remained deadpan.

Derek looked at her, with what seemed like relief suffusing his features.

Meredith continued. "But then a woman picked up your phone, a woman who would not tell me her identity even after repeated questioning. And I started doubting everything I had ever thought was true.

I thought that you were cheating on me. I thought that you had met someone else and fallen in love with her. And that you were going to leave our family for her, just like you had done with Addison."

Derek opened his mouth to say something, but Meredith raised her hand to stop him.

"Let me finish. I was sure that you were cheating on me, almost so sure that if you hadn't come to Seattle, I would have probably sent you divorce papers. But you came here, and you told me the truth, and I found out that it was better than I expected.

I actually thought that it would hurt less you know. Because things had turned out to be better than I assumed. But I don't know why it still hurts so freaking much." A lone tear slipped down Meredith's cheek, unable to stay back any longer.

"Meredith –"

"No Derek. It's, it's not like I don't want to forgive you or that I can't forgive you. I know that I can forgive you, that we can put this whole thing behind us. I can forgive you because I love you and I don't want to live without you.

It's just that I can't forgive you right now. At this moment in time, I don't have it in me to forgive you. Eventually, yes. But not right now. Right now, I, I need some time and some space, to think things through. That's all I can manage to do right now."

"Meredith, please don't do this. It was a mistake, one that I regret to the uttermost. I love you, you know I do. Just give me one more chance." Derek's voice was laced with desperation and pain. He couldn't believe that one careless mistake was going to cost him everything he had worked so hard to get.

"I am not saying that we are over Derek. I am not saying that I will not give you another chance. I am just saying that I need some time. I need some time to get over this, because everything is happening way too fast."

Meredith got up from the sofa, moving past Derek towards their bedroom. Her head and shoulders were slumped, and she looked defeated. Like she had been defeated in the game called life.

"You can sleep in the guest room tonight. I need space and you sleeping in the same bed with me is not –" she trailed off.

Derek did not say anything, but she could feel his eyes on her. She made her way inside the bedroom and locked the door behind her.

It was then that she broke down, the dam bursting and the tears welling up as she began to sob. She slid down the door and on to the floor, not being able to keep strong any more.

_You and me have lost that feeling_

_Waking up and you're not near me_

_I'm waiting for..waiting for the sun..._

_I'm waiting for_

_Waiting for the sun..._

Amidst sobs, Meredith suddenly remembered Finn's words from years ago. _He is going to hurt you again, Meredith._

If she really looked back on the past years, she and Derek had hurt each other a lot. Both of them had done things that they were not proud of. Both of them had made mistakes, and moved on from that.

Then, why did she remember Finn's words today for the first time in almost a decade? They could move past this, couldn't they?

Like there is a dawn to every night, there is an end to every sorrow.

They could make it through this. They would make it through this. Just not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow with a new dawn, a new day, a new sun...

_Yeah the sun_

_Waiting for_

_Waiting for the sun..._

_I'm waiting for,_

_Waiting for the sun.._

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**A/N: So there it is. I think it's understandable now what the fic is about. It's about healing Meredith and Derek, it's about their struggle to reach normalcy again. And just so that we are clear, Finn is not going to figure in this story. Just because I mentioned him doesn't mean that I am bringing him back or something...**

**Let me know what you guys think, whether this fic is worth continuing or not. I appreciate all your thoughts :)**

**Song Lyrics and Title from "You and Me" by Georgia Black**


	2. I Can't Live With You

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews! Each and every review is appreciated :) Truth be told, I was not particularly pleased with the way this matter was explored on the show. No offence to Shonda Rhimes or anyone else, but I felt that Meredith took this situation a little too lightly, and it felt kind of OOC. That is basically why I decided to write this fic. I am glad if I am giving people of the same opinion as mine, a chance to see this storyline develop.**

**I won't keep you any longer, on to the chapter now...**

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**Chapter 2: I Can't Live With You**

_I can't live with you_

_But I can't live without you –_

_I can't let you stay_

_But I can't live if you go away_

_I don't know just how it goes_

_All I know is I can't live with you_

Meredith lay motionless in her bed, staring upwards at the ceiling. Her eyes were swollen and puffy from all the crying.

She had been crying for most part of the night, sometimes sobbing, sometimes silent while the tears flowed from her eyes and soaked the pillows, like rills. Her eyes were bloodshot and tired.

And yet, sleep eluded her. She had not caught even a wink of sleep all night. She couldn't. Her head was kind of a messy place right now.

She felt mentally, physically and emotionally drained. All the crying had taken it out of her, enervated her, and had left her frazzled and numb.

Yes, the incessant crying had benumbed her. She had stopped crying around 3 a.m. and since then, she had been lying in the same position, supine and her eyes fixed on the ceiling, not feeling anything, not crying – just lying and thinking.

So many thoughts, so much trepidation, so many questions - all bottled up in one small head. It kind of sucked to be her.

Amidst all the crying and sobbing, she had told herself repeatedly that they could make it through this ,that they would make it through this, but now that the crying had ceased and she really thought about it, she had no freaking idea how they were going to make it.

How were they supposed to proceed with this? What was going to be her next step, their next step?

She had no clue. Hell, she didn't even have a clue about what she was going to say to Derek in the morning. And morning was probably not far away.

How were they supposed to make it if she didn't have a clue about what their next step should be?

_I'm having a hard time_

_I'm walking a fine line_

_Between hope and despair_

The more she thought about it, the more her hope dwindled. The more she tried to sort things out, the more they kept getting messed up.

Just like a tangled rope; the more you try to untangle it, the more twisted it becomes.

She kept wondering what Derek was doing right now, if he was unable to sleep too, if he was thinking about the same things too.

Maybe he would know what to do next. He was better at all this emotional and relationship stuff than her, he had more experience than her.

After all, he had already been married once. He had done this with Addison; he had tried to fix his marriage with Addison after Addison had cheated on him.

The upshot of their marriage, however, had not been good, and who would know it better than Meredith?

What if the upshot of her and Derek's marriage was the same?

No, she told herself firmly. It was different. Addison had actually cheated on Derek, but Derek hadn't actually...

Besides, Derek had been in love with her while he was working on his marriage with Addison. That was why his and Addison's marriage did not work out. But that was not the case this time.

It could be the case this time too - Meredith's head proposed. Maybe he only came back because he felt that he had to honour his marriage vows, just like he had felt with Addison.

Plus there were kids involved this time. He and Addison did not have any kids. Maybe he came back because he didn't want the kids to suffer?

Meredith tried to push away all the ominous thoughts from her head. Nothing good could ever come from stewing. She tried to concentrate back on their next step.

She would be fibbing if she said that couples' therapy hadn't crossed her mind. She knew that lots of couples actually benefitted from therapy and it was not total BS.

But her real life experience made her scared of even thinking about trying it out.

Addison and Derek had gone through couples' therapy. Then there were Cristina and Owen. And Callie and Arizona too.

She had seen up close how all the three couples had gone through therapy after their marital woes. And how did all three of them end up?

No, she did not want to end up like them. One time could be a coincidence, but three times meant that there was something wrong with the entire concept of therapy.

Therapy was like the resort of the doomed. It was jinxed. There was no way in hell she was going to go to therapy.

What then? If they were not going to go to a shrink, what were they going to do? How were they going to figure things out on their own?

Her train of thought was interrupted by a loud beeping coming from the baby monitor. She rolled over and grabbed the monitor from her bedside table.

Bailey was up, but so early? He usually slept till 7 in the morning. She glanced at the clock and did a double take. 6:30 a.m., the red digits were displayed boldly.

It was past six already and her room was still dark. She always got up around 5:30 to pull back the curtains and let the first rays of sunlight in.

She had not pulled back the curtains today and hence her room was dark. The dark bedroom was like a metaphor for her life.

Maybe that was what she needed to do with her life. Draw back the curtains and let the light in.

_You may think I don't care –_

_But I travelled a long road to_

_Get a hold of my sorrow_

_I tried to catch a dream_

_But nothing's what it seems_

Meredith got up and scuffed her feet to the door. She unlocked it and got out, her destination being the nursery. But her steps were halted by what she saw.

Derek was lying on the couch, fast asleep. He did not have a blanket on and he was shivering slightly from the cool morning breeze blowing through the large windows.

Hadn't she told him to sleep in the guest room? Then why was he sleeping here?

It looked as if he had not meant to fall asleep there. Maybe he had been up all night too before sleep had finally claimed him? That could explain why he had not taken a blanket.

Sighing loudly, she went back inside her bedroom and returned a minute later with an afghan in her arms. Slowly, she made her way to where he was flaked out.

For a moment, Meredith just stood, studying his sleeping form carefully. His hair was in disarray, and it looked like he had been running his hands through it. He tended to do that when he was worried.

There were dark circles under his eyes and his stubble was more pronounced this morning. She was shocked at how lean and haggard his face looked.

He looked – exhausted. Drained. Fraught. Just like she was feeling. Maybe their situations were not so different after all. Maybe he was at a loss about what to do next too.

_Love is saying baby it's all right_

_When deep inside_

_You're really petrified_

She unfurled the throw with another soft sigh, and leaned over to carefully cover his sleeping form with it, trying not to wake him up. He stirred a little, mumbling something inaudible in his sleep.

"Shit." She cursed under her breath, being sure that she had managed to wake him up.

"Go back to sleep," she whispered softly, moving her hand through his curls in a feather-light touch. Her gentle voice and soothing touch lulled him back to sleep, and he emitted a contented sigh before curling up further against the couch.

Meredith immediately withdrew her hand, realizing what she had been doing. It had come almost involuntarily, and for a split second she had forgotten what he had done.

For a split second, it had felt like everything was alright and they were back to being Meredith and Derek.

But now that she remembered again, the pain and heartache came back with a vengeance.

She stood up straight, looking at him one last time before moving away towards the nursery. Bailey needed her right now, and she had to stay strong for him, for Zola.

She could not continue to wallow in her woes.

_I can't live with you_

_But I can't live without you_

_I can't breathe - if you stay_

_But I can't bear you to go away_

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Derek groggily opened his eyes to the clattering sound of utensils. He blinked a few times to adjust his eyes to the light and focussed his vision.

Wondering where the sound was coming from, he looked up to see Meredith standing in the kitchen, her back turned towards him. The combined sound of running water and utensils clashing made it clear to him that she was cleaning the dishes.

But now? So early in the morning? What time was it?

He turned his head around slightly to glance at the clock that hung on the wall. 10:30 a.m. He immediately sat up on the couch, stunned at how late he had slept. The afghan fell off his body and on the ground.

"Meredith?"

Turning the faucet off, Meredith dried her hands with the towel as she turned around to face him. Her mouth was set into a thin line, and she looked tensed.

"Aren't you going to the hospital?" he asked apprehensively, noticing her grim facial features.

She didn't say anything for a minute. When he was sure that she was not going to reply, however, she spoke up.

"I thought about everything overnight, and I decided to take the day off. I figured that we should talk and – just, you know, sort things out." She spoke, slow and cautious.

"Oh," was all he could muster. He couldn't think of anything else to say.

As much as he wanted to sort things out, he was dreading it, because he was at a loss about how to proceed with the sorting of things.

She looked at him, straight in his eyes, for a heartbeat before averting her gaze. An awkward silence stretched on between them as the clock ticked away. Neither knew how to break it.

Meredith suddenly pretended to be very interested in a spot on the counter-top. She kept her gaze trained on it as she scuffed her shoe against the floor, at a loss for words.

Several thoughts ran through her head, one overriding the other. They couldn't even keep up a normal conversation, how would they ever go back to being normal again?

She had often heard about married couples running out of things to say to each other, but never in her wildest dreams had she envisioned that she and Derek would become one of those couples one day.

_I don't know what time it is_

_All I know is I can't live with you_

_We're stuck in a bad place_

_We're trapped in a rat race_

_And we can't escape_

Finally, being unable to bear the never-ending silence, Derek said, "I, I just can't find my bearings."

Meredith looked up at him, some of the tension diffusing from her eyes, and for the first time since she had called Derek and a woman had answered his phone, she smiled. Well, half-smiled to be precise.

"Me too," she responded softly, relieved at the fact that she was not the only one who felt lost in all this mess.

Derek returned the smile as he got up from the couch and walked over to her. He stopped on the other side of the kitchen island, and placing his hands on the worktop, leaned forward to study her face in the light.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" he asked, noticing the bags under her red-rimmed eyes.

"No.." she answered truthfully. "You?"

"No, not really. But I fell asleep in the wee hours, as you must have seen."

"Yeah, I realized that. That is why I didn't wake you up."

"So...How do we move forward with this? I know that you are feeling as lost as I am, but still, any ideas?"

The tension in her shoulders returned as she looked down again, before saying, "I think I, I want to know the whole thing."

Derek knitted his brows together in confusion. "Meredith, I already told you everything. What else do you want to know? You don't think that I am lying to you right?"

She shook her head. When she spoke this time, her voice sounded strained, as if she was choking back tears.

"You told me what happened."

"Yes I did. Blow-by-blow."

"But I want to know your side of the story. As in what you felt like, what your feelings towards her were, what emotions drove you to..." she trailed off, hoping that he would understand.

He stood there, unable to process anything. He was in complete shock.

He had known that this would be difficult, but he had never expected this. He had never imagined that he would have to actually state the reason for his actions. It felt like he had just received a huge blow to his head.

After a long moment, he finally breathed out, "Okay. What do you wanna know?"

She kept her gaze downwards as she replied, "Were you attracted to her in more than a physical way?" Her voice was the ghost of a whisper.

Derek sucked in a sharp breath. What answer was he supposed to give? More importantly, what answer was Meredith looking for?

"Please, be honest with me Derek. Don't just say what you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth. I need to know this; I need to know this in order to get over everything."

Releasing a long sigh, he said, "To some extent, yes."

It was Meredith's turn to feel like she had been punched in the gut.

She had known that the answer to what she had just asked would most likely kill her, destroy her, shred her heart to pieces at the very least, and yet she had asked the question anyway.

She had felt like she needed to know it all before moving on, but this – this was hurting like hell. Why had she inflicted this heart-wrenching pain on herself? What kind of a sick, masochistic person was she?

"I was lonely, and I was mad at you for pushing me away. And Renee, she was nice and I developed a liking towards her. It was more of an infatuation, actually. We were spending a lot of time together while working on the research, and it was all very new and different..."

Meredith nodded, tears slipping down her cheeks in rivulets. "Did you get bored with our marriage? Did it become all too routine for you?"

"What? No, no. I did not mean that. I – "

"You just said that it was all very new and different. So what, our marriage became too insipid for your liking?" Meredith's temper flared as her voice got harsher.

"NO. I did not mean that. I just meant that... I had taken everything for granted. I had taken our life together, our marriage, our love, _us_, for granted." He barely whispered the last word.

He was ashamed of what he did, ashamed of how he had taken Meredith, her love, her trust, her gentle kisses in the morning, the small precious moments spent with her, for granted. And it was hard for him to admit that in front of her.

But she had asked for his honesty, he had to give her that at the very least.

Meredith looked away from him, unable to look at him after what he had just admitted. She wanted to stop, she did not want to talk about it anymore, yet she continued, as if driven by a mad desire.

_Maybe there's been some mistake_

_We're trying to make a high score_

_We're walking through a closed door_

_And nobody's winning – _

"Did you enjoy the kiss? Was it good?" Was it better than what we share? The last part remained unspoken, but it hung in the air all the same.

Derek had a pained expression on his face, as if this was hurting him not only emotionally but also physically.

"Meredith, please."

"I want the answer Derek. And the real answer." Her voice was harsh, commanding, as if this conversation was not hurting her equally.

She was in pain, so much pain that it was getting impossible to bear, and somehow this pain was working like a drug for her.

"It was – I – it was not like what we share." He finally managed to sputter out.

"What is that supposed to mean? It was not like what we share – you mean, it was different in a good way?" She choked out, horrified.

"No, will you stop putting words in my mouth? When did I ever say in a good way? Meredith, I love you, you are my life...I screwed up, big time, but that doesn't mean that...I love you. Please don't put us through this." He pleaded, his voice a blend of pain and desperation.

Meredith sobbed, unable to control herself any longer. She did not want to put them through this either because the pain was too much to bear, but her insecurities were getting the better of her.

The emotional pain was starting to turn into physical pain now. Her whole body trembled and ached, as if she was being grinded in a pair of millstones.

"Mer," Derek moved round the island to hold her trembling body in his arms. He encircled her fragile body, pulling her into his chest as tears made their way out of his own eyes.

_We're just sinning against ourselves_

_Hold on baby tell me it's all right_

_Anger's breaking from the hurt inside_

_Passions screaming hotter_

_Doin' what we gotta do – yeah_

_I can't live with you, I can't live with you_

Meredith gasped and sobbed as she buried herself in Derek's chest. The duo clung to each other, both of them drawing strength for what seemed like a very long journey.

They stayed in that position for what seemed like an eternity, track of time lost long ago. Tears soaked Derek's shirt, leaving a huge wet spot in the middle of his chest.

Derek's own tears were streaming down onto Meredith's hair incessantly, where he was resting his head.

Time stood still for them as they bolstered each other, giving each other the support they both knew they needed.

After a long time, Meredith finally got ahold of herself and pulled back from Derek, her face tear-stained and puffy.

She swallowed thickly before she managed to croak out what she wanted to say.

"This is supposed to make me run, Derek. Everything that is happening right now is supposed to make me run at full pelt.

But I am not running. I want to, but I won't. Because we promised each other that we will not run, no matter what happened."

Derek remembered the words he had himself said what now felt like ages ago.

_No running. Ever. Nobody walks out, no matter what._

"I am not running, and I hope it is enough for now. It _has _to be enough for now."

Derek looked into her eyes, blue clashing with green. Their eyes mirrored each other; their emotions mirrored each other as he nodded.

"It _is_ enough, for now."

_I can't live with you but I can't live without you_

_Cause I'm in love with you_

_And everything about you..._

_Through the madness, through the tears_

_We've still got each other_

_For a million years..._

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**A/N: I know that this chapter might have felt painful, but it was supposed to be that way. I wanted to make it clear that Meredith is not the only one suffering right now, Derek is hurting too. Both of them are hurting together, and they don't know what to do about it. I hope I was able to handle this chapter; it was tough for me to write because I wanted their emotions, their pain to feel real. If I botched it, feel free to just say the words. Also, I understand that Meredith's inquisition may have sounded masochistic, but it's just her insecurities driving her to do so. (And no offence to Calzona/ Crowen fans about the counselling part. Again, it was Mer's insecurities talking; I have nothing against counselling.)**

**Let me know what you guys think, whether I handled this okay or not. Your thoughts are always appreciated :)**

**Song Lyrics from "I Can't Live With You" by Queen**


	3. Back To Square One

**A/N: Thanks a lot to everyone for the reviews. I can't tell you how grateful I am for them! And I apologize for the delay in posting this chapter; I was going to post it sooner but the flu got me down and I couldn't get out of bed for three days :(**

**Anyway, here it is...**

* * *

_**Back To Square One**_

* * *

_In a perfect world _

_Things would have been different_

_I wish it could've gone the way I planned_

_I put my heart into your hands_

'_Cause I thought I could trust you..._

Meredith walked through the hospital corridors, looking for Amelia. She had just finished her bowel resection surgery, and she was supposed to meet Derek for their 'lunch date' in about 20 minutes.

It had been three days, three days since she had hashed out everything with Derek. Three days since she had broken down in Derek's arms, admitting her insecurities and feelings to him. Three whole days.

If she said that she and Derek were doing better since then, it would not be entirely wrong.

They had talked things out, and both of them had agreed that they needed to spend more time together in order to get back the marriage they once had. Neither of them was ready to give up on their marriage without trying.

That is why Derek had proposed the idea of their 'lunch date' that morning, asking her to meet up for lunch.

It was his first day back at the hospital and he had a light schedule since he was not the Head of Neurosurgery anymore, so he had suggested that they should have lunch together. After some hesitation, Meredith had agreed.

But right now, she needed to find her sister-in-law. Because she had heard some rumours at the hospital gossip mill, and she needed to talk to Amelia to find out the truth.

She was about to give up searching for Amelia when she spotted her coming from the other end of the corridor.

"Amelia." She called out as she quickly walked up to her.

"Hey, Mer. How are you? I haven't talked to you in a while but Maggie told me things. About the call and...Are you okay? I am not asking you to tell me what happened or what my asshat of a brother did this time; I just want to know if you are okay." Amelia spoke in a gentle yet concerned way.

Meredith took a sharp breath; she hadn't actually told anyone about the whole thing with Derek.

All anyone knew was that Derek had come back to Seattle immediately after the phone call, and Meredith had been a mess at the hospital all day after that. No one knew anything beyond that, not even Alex.

"Yeah, I am fine. It's – we are fine." She replied as casually as she could.

Amelia wrinkled her brows at her seemingly casual answer. "Are you sure that you are fine? Don't take me wrong, but I have heard rumours about how you say that you are fine even though you are not. Are you really okay?"

"Amelia, yes. I am okay. I am absolutely okay. Besides, I came here to talk about you, not about me. What is this rumour going around the hospital about you and Owen?" Meredith asked inquisitively.

Amelia wore a shocked expression. "How, I mean, what – that is totally, I..."

"Amelia, stop fumbling for words. It gives you away when you are trying to hide something."Meredith intoned.

Amelia kept quiet for a few moments before saying, "I think I am falling in love with him." She immediately looked away after admitting that.

Meredith exhaled a long sigh; she knew all about forbidden love. How could she not? After all, her and Derek's love story had been about breaking the rules too.

"Amelia, I don't want to poke my nose in your personal matters. But I hope you know what you are getting into. You know about the hospital policy – no fraternization with colleagues.

Besides, Owen...Cristina just left him. He is not in a good shape right now. I don't want you to do anything that will end up hurting him or you." Meredith advised her sister-in-law.

"I won't do anything like that Meredith. I know about Cristina, and believe me, I know where to draw the line. Just...I am not ready to talk about it right now."

Meredith shook her head. "Fine. You don't have to talk about it. But please don't make any rash decisions."

"I won't. I will take care about that. Just do me a favour, will you? Don't tell Derek about it. Not yet."

"Fine, I won't. I wouldn't have said anything to him anyway. It's not my place to say anything here."

"Thank you."Amelia said gratefully, and then excused herself for her surgery. Meredith carried her feet towards the cafeteria, her head clouded with all sorts of worries.

When she entered the cafeteria, she immediately spotted Derek sitting at one of the corner tables. There were two plates of food laid on the table; apparently he had ordered food for her too.

She made her way to where he was sitting, and smiled at him. "Hey," she greeted him as she noticed what he had ordered for her.

"Hey," he greeted back with a wide grin.

"So, I see that you took the liberty to order my lunch for me. How did you know what I wanted to eat?" She inquired as she took the seat opposite to him.

"Meredith, we have known each other for about a decade now. I know all your likes and dislikes."

She smiled at him once more and pulled her plate towards herself. She picked up her fork and so did Derek. They started to eat their lunch in silence.

Meredith couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. They were supposed to be doing better; they were supposed to be getting better. And yet, here they sat, without any words being exchanged between them.

_I always listened, _

_You were always first to speak_

_I guess I should've listened when_

_This is how they said it would be_

She had thought that they were getting better at keeping up a conversation. While they hadn't really talked much over the past few days, they had still talked. Not about very pleasant matters, mind you, but they had talked nevertheless.

The silence was getting to her. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She needed to say something – anything to him, just to prevent herself from getting suffocated.

"Ameliaand Owenareathing." She blurted out in a desperate attempt to put an end to the grating silence. It was the first thing that came to her mind.

"What?"Derek nearly choked on the bite he was taking. "What did you say?"

Meredith mentally kicked herself for her stupidity. Amelia had specifically told her not to tell Derek, and she had just spilled the beans to Derek.

"Um, I said that...I, what I meant to say was – "

"Meredith, I couldn't understand a thing you just said. Please, chew your food and then say what you want to say. I need more consonants in order to understand." Derek chuckled.

She looked up at his laughing face and breathed out in relief. Thank God he hadn't understood. Amelia would have hunted her down and lynched her if Derek had known.

She tried to find something else to say to him. Something normal. Something that normal couples would talk about.

"So, how is your day going?" She asked, immediately realizing how cliché and trite it was. But that was all she could think of at the moment.

Derek huffed. "Boring and slow. My surgeries are so routine that I could perform them in my sleep. There are so many interesting incoming neuro cases, but all of them go to Amy.

She gets all the cool cases while I'm stuck clipping aneurysms and doing spinal taps."He finished in an annoyed tone.

Meredith giggled. "Aww, poor baby." She mocked him.

Derek looked at her with fake hurt. "Here I am telling you about my miserable condition, and you are taking pleasure in it. You are extremely mean."

"Well, it's your fault that you are in a miserable condition. You would have still been the Head of Neuro if you had not taken the job in D.C." It was out of her mouth before she even had the time to stop herself.

She immediately regretted saying it. Over the last three days, it had become an unspoken rule for them not to bring up D.C. They did not talk about D.C. They pretended like it didn't happen. And now she had brought it up herself.

She opened her mouth to apologize for making the jibe, but before she could say anything, Derek spoke. "It's not like I went to D.C. on my own. You pushed me to take the job, in case you don't remember."

Meredith's mouth fell open in shock. She couldn't believe he had just said that. How could he after everything?

"Oh really? I pushed you to take the job? You make it sound like you had no wish to take the job. You are saying it like I condemned you to take the job as a punishment." She shot back, all thoughts of an apology now forgotten.

"I did not mean that. I just meant that maybe if you hadn't pushed me to take the job – "

Meredith cut in. "Maybe if I hadn't pushed you to take the job, you could have stayed here in Seattle, looming over me and pressurizing me to conquer death."She threw the remark snidely.

"I was not pressurizing you to conquer death! I only said it once, and I remember apologizing for it immediately. Why are you bringing up all those things now?"

"I am not bringing up anything. You are the one who is still blaming me for pushing you to take the job in D.C."Meredith's voice got louder.

"I am not blaming you for anything. I am just saying that maybe if I had stayed in Seattle.."

"Maybe if you had stayed in Seattle, you wouldn't have gone and kissed another woman?"Her voice was loud enough for half of the cafeteria to hear.

Heads from the nearby tables turned towards them, their attention focussed on the couple.

Meredith realized just how loud she had spoken, and she looked around to see that people were staring. She turned a shade of crimson from embarrassment and quickly stood up from the table.

Derek got up too when he saw Meredith gathering her things from the table. "Meredith, where are you going? Please don't leave. You didn't even eat anything. I'm sorry I brought it up."He pleaded to his wife.

"I can't do this here, Derek. I just, I can't fight with you in the hospital cafeteria. Not that it matters anyway because half of the cafeteria knows now.

Besides, I just remembered that I have a patient to check on. It's urgent, I have to go."Meredith lied as she grabbed her lab coat and fled from the cafeteria as fast as she could, leaving Derek in her wake.

_All this time I just wanted to believe_

_That I found someone who_

_Cared enough to see the best in me_

_But now I'm back to square one_

_Scared to trust..._

Derek could not bring himself to care about the people who were staring at him like he had grown two heads. His eyes were trained on the entrance to the cafeteria, from where Meredith had just left.

He had thought that they were making progress; he had thought that they were finally putting the whole thing behind them and moving forward.

But now? Now it seemed like they were far from making any kind of progress. Now it seemed like they were back to square one again.

He gathered the plates from the table, proceeding towards the dustbin to throw the food away.

He wanted to kill himself right now. He wanted to rot in hell. He had vowed never to hurt Meredith again, and he had done just that, once more.

Why did he have to be so stupid? Why did he say that Meredith had pushed him to take the job? Why did he ruin everything once again?

_I never thought I wouldn't love you_

_I'm sorry if I made you feel that way_

_I'm sorry if I made you think that_

_What we had was just a game_

Meredith rushed inside the nearest empty on-call room and locked the door behind her. She pressed her back to the door and finally let the teardrops stream out of her eyes.

It was all her fault. Everything was her fault. Derek was right. If she hadn't pushed Derek to take the job in D.C., he would have never kissed another woman. They would have never gone through this.

But she only wanted what was best for him. He wanted to work on the brain-mapping initiative so much; she did not want to hold him back.

Just as she wanted to have a successful career for herself, she wanted Derek to have a successful career too. She wanted both of their dreams to be fulfilled.

Was she so wrong in wanting that? Was it selfish for her to wish for success for both her husband and herself? Was she really the one to blame for all this?

_I always tried to do the right thing_

_I always gave more than I'd take_

_And now I'm staring in the mirror_

_Wondering if I'm the one to blame_

She had thought that they were finally getting past the hard times. She had thought that they were finally getting better, that they were finally getting back the marriage they once had.

But she had been wrong_. _They were nowhere near making any progress. And all because of her.

She had been stupid enough to bring the whole thing up again. Why did she do it? Why did she bring it up in the first place?

She did not know. It had come out automatically. She hadn't meant to pick a fight with him. But she had ended up ruining any progress they had made.

They were back to square one now, because of her. She couldn't stop crying as she beat herself up over it.

What were they going to do? They hadn't even started making any progress, and they were already facing obstacles. How on earth would they ever reach normalcy again if this kept happening?

She knew that a time would come when this would all be over, when both of them would be okay again. She knew that the hard times were not going to stay forever.

But she couldn't wait for the hard times to be over already. She couldn't wait for them to be okay already.

_I thought I had found someone_

_Someone who cared enough _

_To see the best in me_

_But now I'm back to square one_

_Scared to trust in anything..._

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**A/N: Just when they were starting to make some progress, they get hindered. Meredith and Derek still have a lot of issues to resolve, and it is not going to happen in one day or one week. It will take time and patience. They will make progress, they will get hindered, they will try again. Eventually, they will get back to normality. I hope I am doing justice to their characters in this fic.**

**Let me know your thoughts on it. I'm grateful for every one of them :)**

**Song Lyrics from "Back To Square One" by Matty Mullins**


	4. Back To Your Heart

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews, Patsy! I understand that the last chapter was something of a setback for MerDer, but it needed to be done. Their path is not going to be easy, quite the contrary actually, but I am going to keep them together no matter what. They are NOT going to break-up, nor is Derek going to die. I may like writing angst, but I am not Shonda Rhimes. My world will be incomplete without McDreamy!**

* * *

_**Back To Your Heart**_

_It's not that I can't live without you_

_It's just that I don't even want to try_

_Every night I dream about you_

_Ever since the day we said goodbye_

Derek sat on the couch in their living room, a glass of Scotch in his hand. Meredith was not home yet, and he had no idea when she would return. After their last row during lunch, he had neither seen nor spoken to her.

He had tried to find her after lunch, in order to talk to her and set things right, but to no avail. He was not surprised though. He had known her long enough to learn that when Meredith Grey avoided someone, there was no way in hell the person could find Meredith until she wanted him to.

So, he had gone through the rest of his day and then come back home to wait for her. But it was already 7 o'clock and Meredith had not returned.

All kinds of questions were clouding Derek's head. He did not know what to do in the situation in which he found himself and Meredith.

They had been doing well; he had really started to believe that they were moving on. And then all his hopes had been shattered when Meredith had walked out of the cafeteria.

He could not believe that he had picked up a fight with her about D.C. He was a moron for dredging up all those old, moot points. What had he done that for? He did not know. But he knew that he had to set things right again.

What if things had gone too far though? What if he had ruined things forever? Meredith had given him a second chance and he had blown it again. What if she refused to give him any more chances? What if it was over because of his stupidity?

The more Derek brooded, the more he became impatient for Meredith's return. He could not spend one single minute without talking to her. He _had _to talk to her before things got out of hand.

He could not let them be over. He loved her way too much to do that. He had not lied to her when he had said that he would do everything in his power to prove to her that he loved her. He was willing to do anything and everything to gain her trust, her love back.

The only problem was that he did not know how. He was willing, but he was at a loss. How would he make her believe in him again? How would he get back to her heart?

_If I wasn't such a fool_

_Right now I'd be holding you_

_There is nothing that I wouldn't do_

_Baby if I only knew_

_The words to say, the road to take_

_To find a way back to your heart_

_What can I do to get to you?_

_And find a way back to your heart..._

He took a sip of his drink and then glanced back to the clock. It was a quarter past seven and she was still not home. Why was she late? The universe must really hate him. Her delay was like a torture to him with each passing second.

He knew what working at a hospital was like. The logical part of his brain knew that she was probably stuck in some emergency surgery or something. But his heart did not understand.

He could not rest in peace till he made things right with her again, told her what he wanted to say. He wanted to, no, he needed to talk to her, and nothing would give him peace of mind until he did that.

He stood up from the couch and began pacing back and forth in agonizing worry. She was going to come home, wasn't she? She wouldn't just up and leave, right? No...No, she would not do that. She could not do that.

They had both decided to give their marriage another chance; they had both agreed to try, she would not just walk out on him because they hit a roadblock.

This was probably one of the many roadblocks they were about to hit. Meredith would not give up just yet, she was not a quitter. She was not one of those people who gave up easily. He knew her that much.

But he also knew that his wife was a runner. She had a history of freaking out and running away from things. Yes, she had changed and grown a lot over the years, but that runner trait was still somewhere within her.

What if she had just decided to run? What if she did not come back and it was all over before he even had the chance to say what he wanted to say?

God, even the thought of it terrified him to death. He could not lose her at any cost. Losing her was not an option. He had to prove to her that his love was true, by hook or by crook. There was no other choice, there was no other option.

_I don't know how it got so crazy_

_But I'll do anything to set things right_

'_Cause your love is so amazing_

_Baby you are the best thing in my life_

_Let me prove my love is real_

_And made you feel the way I feel_

_I promise I would give the world_

_If only you would tell me girl_

_The words to say, the road to take_

_To find a way back to your heart..._

Derek ran his hands through his hair, worry darkening his handsome features. He could no longer wait. He had to call her. It seemed like she was taking forever to return, and he could not bear to wait till that long.

He bent over the coffee table and picked up his phone. He speed-dialled her number and held the phone to his ear. After a few seconds, Meredith's voice greeted his anxious ears.

"_Hi, you have reached Meredith Grey. I cannot pick up your call right now, so leave a message after the beep. I will get back to you as soon as I can."_

Derek pondered about leaving a message but then decided against it. What he had to say could not be said over the machine. He threw the phone on to the couch in frustration and huffed.

Where the heck was Meredith?

As if to answer his question, flashlights illumined the drive outside their house. A car could be heard pulling up and the sound of slammed car door followed.

Minutes later, Meredith flung the front door open and stepped inside the house. Derek locked eyes with her, but did not say anything. She turned around to shut the door and then faced him again.

They both looked at each other for what felt like a long interminable moment. Finally, Meredith shucked her coat and made her way towards where he stood.

She came and stood directly in front of him and paused. There was so much to be said to each other, and only so little time.

She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to say something just at the time Derek opened his mouth. "I am sorry," both of them said together.

Both of them paused and looked astonished upon hearing the apology of the other. Meredith had not expected Derek to apologize, and Derek had not expected Meredith to say sorry.

"For what?" They ended up saying it at the same time once again.

This time, Meredith smiled at the little coincidence. At least they were both on the same page about this, since their thoughts were so much in synch.

"You say it first." She said as she flopped down on the couch, chuckling. Derek, however, could not manage a smile as he flopped down beside her. He would not be able to breathe properly until the load was off his chest.

"I am sorry for what I said earlier, about you pushing me to go to D.C. I did not mean to blame you for anything; I did not even want to talk about D.C. I don't know why I said what I said, but I did not mean to go in circles about it or rake up old things."

Meredith looked at him, her expression unreadable before she said, "As far as I remember, I was the one who brought up the subject in the first place. I know we talked about D.C. before and it was a closed chapter, yet I brought it up. It was my fault, I was the one who raked up old things."

Derek shook his head and then replied tentatively,"Maybe we were both at fault for what happened."

Meredith knew that the context of his statement reached far beyond their luncheon tiff. He was talking about something more, and she knew that he was right. He was not the only one to be blamed about everything, she shared some of the responsibility too.

She sighed heavily as she moved closer to him ever so slightly. Leaning back against the cushions, she said,"I thought about everything today. The whole day, while avoiding you, I mulled things over. And I think that we need to make some ground rules in order to put everything behind us." She finished, eyeing him carefully.

Derek looked at her, a little shocked at her words. Ground rules? What kind of ground rules was she talking about? But he was not about to raise objection to anything she had in mind.

She was silently giving him one more chance and he was not about to let it go. It was more than he could ask for at that moment.

_Give me one more chance_

_To give my love to you_

'_Cause no one on this earth_

_Loves you like I do_

_Tell me the words to say, the road to take_

_To find a way back to your heart..._

He looked at her inquisitively as he asked, "What sort of ground rules?"

The corners of her mouth turned upwards slightly at his eagerness to know. He was like a small child, full of curiosity.

"Well, for starters, we have to know how to be okay with talking about D.C. It is not like we have to talk about it or something, it's just that we have to avoid fighting with each other if and when the topic comes up."

Derek nodded his head. "I am not going to say a thing about what happened in D.C. We can talk about it in a normal way, without letting the bitterness of it affect us. Deal?"

Meredith hesitated for a minute before saying,"Deal. Second rule – No sniping at each other or picking up unnecessary fights. Even if one of us starts a fight, the other has to stop the fight from progressing. Damage control."

"Agreed." Derek echoed back, relief flooding his soul and mind. He had been so scared that he had ruined everything; now that he was getting another chance at it, he could not help but feel relieved. He was getting his chance to prove his love to Meredith, and he had to make good use of this chance.

"What else?" He asked her now, with a much lighter mind.

"Well, I haven't thought about the rest of the rules yet, but do you think we can make them as we proceed?"

"Of course. We will take it as it comes, and at our pace. We do not have to rush into anything."

"Yeah, that one too. We will take it slow, very very slow. No sudden steps or decisions. Baby steps, we will take baby steps. And we will discuss things with each other before making any decision. Okay?"

"We will discuss everything with each other before making any decision. Done."He could not agree more with her. Finally, he had the satisfaction of knowing that he and Meredith were nowhere near over. They were going to try again and in a better way this time. They were a work in progress.

"Well, since we are gonna discuss everything with each other; there is something I have been wanting to do for a long while. Hope you don't mind."She threw at him, her tone a little lighter now.

She scooted closer, shifting on the couch until she was sitting directly beside him. Angling her body, she laid her head on his chest and wrapped her arm loosely around his torso.

Derek was startled by her sudden gesture because that was the most intimate they had been since he had gone to D.C. But he had missed holding her in his arms like this; he had missed it so much.

The last time he had held her in his arms, she had been crying and she had been in pain. That was definitely not something he liked. So, he was not about to complain now that he had her in his arms like old times.

He lifted his arm to wrap it around her form as he rested his cheek on the top of her head. His grip on her tightened as she asked, "We are going to be okay, aren't we Derek?"

"Yes, yes we are going to be okay. We are – a work in progress."

"Hmm.."she hummed against his chest, closing her eyes and shutting out the rest of her worries. She could worry later on. She would have plenty of time to worry. But right now, she just wanted to relish the feeling of being in her husband's arms again.

It was a feeling that both of them had forgotten about. Both of them had forgotten how special the simple gesture could feel.

But now, as they sat in their dream house with their arms wrapped around each other, they were remembering and reliving the special feeling again. They were recreating the magic that had been somewhat lost...

_I turn back time_

_To make you mine_

_And find a way back to your heart_

_You are my world_

_What can I do (baby) to get to you?_

_This heart of mine belongs to you_

_And find a way back to your heart.._

_Hmm, back to your heart..._

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**A/N: So, first step to recovery. I wrote this chapter from Derek's point of view and gave insight into his head as a tribute to our beloved McDreamy. This chapter is dedicated to him. Besides, it is only fair that we get to know what Derek is going through too, otherwise it would become one-sided.**

**Let me know whether you guys are still interested in reading this fic and want me to continue it. Not many people showed up for the last chapter, so I am wondering if you guys have just lost interest. Let me know your thoughts, I really appreciate all of them :)**

**Song Lyrics from "Back to Your Heart" by Backstreet Boys**


	5. One Step at a Time

**A/N: Many many thanks to everyone who let me know how much they are enjoying my story! It's good to see that people out there are still interested in reading. **

**Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter, but I was terribly busy at work. Things have been a huge mess these past few weeks, and I couldn't find the time to sit down and update. I apologize to everyone who has been waiting for an update and I hope this chapter makes up for the delay!**

* * *

_**One Step at a Time**_

_Hurry up and wait_

_So close but so far away_

_Everything that you've always dreamed of_

_Close enough for you to taste _

_But you just can't touch_

Meredith stood in the scrub room, scrubbing out from her latest abdominal aortic aneurysm. The surgery had been a successful one, and it was a rare outcome.

The patient was 55 years old and the aneurysm rupture had been a pretty messy one. The mortality rate in such cases was 85% and they had rushed the patient into surgery with little hope of saving him. Fortunately, luck had been on their side and they had been able to save the man's life.

As Meredith continued washing her hands, Maggie Pierce emerged in the scrub room and disposed of her surgical mask, gown and gloves. She started scrubbing out in the sink next to Meredith.

"Good save today. With a triple-a like this, I thought the patient was a lost case. I know we surgeons are not supposed to give up hope till the last minute, but I really didn't think we'd be able to pull this surgery off. Good work in there."Maggie finished in one breath.

Meredith smiled at her in acknowledgement and nodded her head. "You too," she replied in kind.

She could not bring herself to say more at that point. Now that the surgery rush was gone, she felt more beat than ever. Her back ached and her neck had acquired a crick. Her leg muscles felt stiff from the continuous standing in the OR and her eyelids wanted to droop shut. Spending 36 hours in the hospital would do that to anyone.

She barely listened to Maggie chatter on and on about the surgery, not understanding how Maggie could be so perky and chatty after spending so many hours in the OR.

All she wanted right now was to go home to her warm bed and her husband, and curl up in bed next to him and never get up. She did not want to stand there and listen to Maggie's gab.

Turning off the faucet, Meredith dried her hands with the paper towel and bidding Maggie a bye, she walked out of the scrub room. She lifted her left hand to her neck to work out the kink in the muscle as her tired eyes looked around the surgical wing for her husband.

She had hardly seen Derek in the last 36 hours, except for that one fleeting look they had exchanged while passing each other in the hallway earlier in the day.

Both of them had been paged in the middle of the night to tend to an emergency trauma, and after they had been forced to get out of their warm, cosy bed, they had become too busy with their own surgeries at the hospital to find time for each other.

Now, after completing her third surgery of the day, Meredith tiredly walked in the hospital corridors searching for her husband. She knew that she could just page him, but she did not know whether he was in surgery or not and she didn't want to disturb him.

_Now you're feeling more and more frustrated_

_And you're getting all kind of impatient, waiting_

_We live and we learn to take_

As Meredith made her way to the surgical board to check whether Derek was in a surgery, she pulled out a bundle of blue post-it notes and a pen out of the pocket of her lab coat. She had been carrying it with her around the hospital, and it had piqued the curiosity of quite a few nurses.

Standing in front of the board, she saw that Derek's name was written across the top of the board in block letters, and the board said that he was busy performing a lobotomy. Sighing, Meredith leaned back against the wall and opened the cap of her pen to scribble something down on the post-it.

She wrote it down and then stuck the pen between her teeth briefly to think about the next rule.

Yes, she was making up the list of ground rules that she and Derek had decided on. So far, they had made quite a few of the rules and Meredith kept adding more to the list as ideas popped up in her brain. For now, she was jotting them down on post-it notes so that she could discuss them with Derek later on.

Meredith pondered briefly about adding a date night rule, wondering if that would become too cliché for them.

After all, she and Derek had never really 'dated' before their marriage, as in going out on conventional dates to fancy restaurants and stuff. Yes, there had been a wooing period when Derek was trying to win her back from Finn, and that period had involved a few 'dates', but other than those, she and Derek had never really gone out.

_Well, writing it down can never hurt,_ she mused to herself and then proceeded to jot it down along with the rest of the rules. She could talk about it later to Derek and find out his thoughts on it.

As she stood there, absorbed in her own little enclave, she didn't notice the seconds tick by and turn into minutes. Tiredness forgotten, she was so lost in her thoughts that she failed to notice the man coming up from the other end of the corridor and standing behind her until she felt a warm touch on her shoulder.

"Hey," his velvety smooth voice slid across her eardrums, causing her to gasp and let out a small shriek of astonishment. Her shoulders tensed under his touch for just a millisecond before she relaxed and turned around to face him.

"Hey, you scared me. Give me some warning before sneaking up on me like that."She let out a smile, looking up close at her husband's face for the first time in the last 36 hours.

Derek let out a low chuckle as he said, "Who else were you expecting to sneak up on you like this?"

Meredith grinned,"I don't know. Maybe I was expecting someone other than you."

Derek feigned a frown as he said, "If you are expecting other people to sneak up on you like this, then you and I have got some serious talking to do."

She tipped her head back slightly to let out a loud laugh. Derek joined her in her laughter and then pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. Meredith shivered a little at the touch of his lips on her skin; she had forgotten what it felt like to be proximate to him over the last few months and she was still getting used to it.

"How did your surgery go?"She asked as they strolled down the corridor together, making their way towards the attendings' lounge.

"Good, it was good. I am glad to be finally able to go home though. How did yours go?"

"It was successful. We made a very rare save; Maggie couldn't stop going on and on about it. I don't know where she gets all the vigour to talk so much after 36 long hours. All I could think about was going home and falling down on the bed and never getting up again."Meredith answered, looping her arm with his gently.

"Exhausted?"He asked in a soft voice.

"You bet. I could really use a bed and a warm shower right now."

"Me too. Work has been pretty exhausting this week. It has taken the hell out of me. I wish we could just escape somewhere for a little while."He finished his sentence as they entered the lounge together.

Meredith raised her eyebrows in slight surprise. "You mean, like a vacation?"

Derek shrugged his lab coat off and pulled his regular clothes out of his bag to change. "Why not? I mean, when was the last time we took some days off work? Probably aeons ago. Everyone needs a break at some point. We could just go on a weekend getaway, to unwind and relax before coming back to work. It would be nice."

Meredith bit her lip, contemplating what Derek had said as he entered the changing room. She had never thought of taking time off work and going on a vacation.

Heck, she and Derek didn't even go on their honeymoon because of the circumstances in which they got married. At that point, honeymoon had been the last thing on her and Derek's mind. And after that, they had just got too caught up in life, with Derek becoming chief, and then the shooting and...

A vacation did sound like a tempting idea. The last time she had gone on a vacation, it had been with Cristina on her non-honeymoon. Meredith came to the sudden realization that she had never taken a trip with Derek, except for those few times when they had gone to visit his family in New York. If a normal person heard that, they would probably be laughing in her face, because she had never gone away on a vacation with her husband. But she and Derek had not done a lot of things that normal couples usually did; they were - different. They were them – Meredith and Derek.

But, right now, Meredith actually found herself liking Derek's suggestion. She was not one for taking a break from work and just fleeing to a weekend getaway, but she really liked the idea of spending some time away from all the craziness and the mess. The idea of having nothing to worry about for a few days, just relaxing and sleeping in, and taking long walks down the beach and eating good food, and above all, spending some alone time with Derek, trying to work their way through things, appealed to Meredith greatly.

She and Derek were trying to make things work, they were trying to get back to being the couple they once used to be, they were trying to bridge the distance that had been created between them over the time spent apart, and a week away from work and reality would do good to them. It would give them more time to get used to each other's presence again, to start communicating again; they just kept getting sidetracked by work and real life. Plus, there were the perks of not having to spend long hours standing in the OR, and not having to wake up early in the morning to go to work or change Bailey's diapers or deal with the everyday chores.

It seemed quite surreal, leaving everything behind and just packing up and fleeing, but it would be a welcome change. It would be different, and sometimes, a little different is all you need in life to get things back on track.

As Derek came out of the changing room, he looked up at her and said, "So, what do you think? I know we are taking baby steps; consider it as taking a baby step. It's not something huge."

Meredith paused for a moment before looking up at him and giving him a wide smile. "I think - a vacation is just what we need."

Derek grinned back at her as she moved towards the changing room, wanting to get home as soon as possible.

_One step at a time_

_There's no need to rush_

_It's like learning to fly or falling in love_

_It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen_

_That we find the reasons why, one step at a time_

* * *

Meredith lay down in bed and heard the shower being turned on inside the bathroom. She and Derek had arrived home about an hour and a half ago, and both of them had been ready to collapse right onto the bed the moment they had arrived.

But they had not able to do that. Dinner had to be done away with and then the children had to be tucked in. And then, Zola had wanted Derek to read her a bedtime story because it had been way too long since she had heard one from her daddy.

Derek had obviously agreed to read to Zola despite his exhaustion. He had missed out on a lot of the children's lives, and he didn't want to miss another second. He wanted to be there for them, in every possible way, and if that meant reading to Zola even when his bones fell like jelly, he would do it.

So, Derek had sat in Zola's bedroom, reading Cinderella to her while Meredith had just slipped out quietly, giving them the father-daughter alone time they needed. It was not like Meredith hadn't wanted to stay with them, but she knew that Zola had missed her daddy a lot over the last few months, and she needed some time alone with him. It was father and daughter's special moment together, and Meredith had not wanted to intrude.

After putting Zola to sleep, Derek had finally gone to take a shower while Meredith, having finished her own shower, had finally laid herself on her much welcome bed. She couldn't sleep though. After much trouble, she had got used to sleeping without Derek while he was away in D.C., but now that he was back, she wanted to get used to sleeping with him again.

Truth be told, sometimes, it felt weird to have Derek occupying the other side of the bed now, after that side of the bed had been empty for so long. It felt surreal to her, to sleep with Derek beside her again, and sometimes she wondered if it was all really a dream – a phantasmagoria that she was being subjected to, which was going to vanish the minute she opened her eyes.

She wondered a lot these days, about good things and bad things. Mostly good, positive and hopeful things, but she had to admit that sometimes, those dark and twisty thoughts would come back, clouding her head and making her really confused about things. One minute, she felt like she and Derek had got everything sorted out, and the next minute, she doubted her own confidence, thinking that if she got her hopes too high, it would all come crashing down around her.

_You believe and you doubt_

_You're confused and got it all figured out_

_Everything that you always wished for_

_Could be yours, should be yours,_

_Would be yours, if they only knew_

She looked up as Derek came out of the bathroom in his nightshirt and pyjamas, towelling his hair dry. He smiled wearily at her and throwing the towel over the table, he crawled into bed, ready to collapse.

Meredith rested her head on her hands as she lay on her side, watching Derek settle in comfortably beneath the blankets. She wondered briefly if she should talk to him about the rules she had been making up all day, but she hesitated.

Part of her wanted to discuss the rules with him right now, because if she didn't, then she would be breaking the topmost rule they had made – discussing things with each other, discussing everything with each other; but another part of her was beat-down and she knew that Derek's condition was quite the same right now, and so she didn't want to pester him when he was already tired to his bones.

"Meredith, are you okay? You are looking all pensive. What's wrong? Do have something on your mind that you want to tell me?"Derek's voice startled Meredith out of her thoughts. She tended to do that a lot these days too - get lost in her thoughts and drift off to a different world.

"Um..." Meredith bit her lip, unsure about whether she should bring it up right now. She knew she could wait till morning, after they were well rested, but part of her felt guilty for keeping things from him and not discussing things with him; she felt like she wasn't exactly following their rules.

"I...It was just – never mind, it was nothing. I – it was nothing. Just forget about it and go to sleep, you are pretty exhausted; we can talk in the morning."Meredith dismissed it, not wanting to grill Derek when they were both tired to bones.

Derek, however, furrowed his brows as he said, "Well, you seemed pretty thoughtful about it, so I know it was not nothing. Come on, tell me. I know my limbs feel boneless right now, but hey, I stayed awake for 36 hours, what's ten more minutes, huh?"

"Ten more minutes is a lot. Besides, you won't be able to process anything with a worn down brain, so it would be pretty futile. And it's not like it's something huge or important, just niggling me, so...Go to sleep; talking can wait."

"No, it can't. Meredith, we decided that we were going to talk to each other about all kinds of things, and we haven't been able to do that due to work. It's okay, you can talk about whatever you want to talk about. It's not like I'm doing any manual labour here, just lying in bed and listening to you."Derek coaxed her with one of those McDreamy smiles of his.

"Well, it's really stupid. And silly. Except that it's not actually stupid and silly but it feels kind of inconsequential right now. And it makes me look like I obsess over things, but I don't obsess over things. It's just – we decided and we really need them, but bringing it up right now feels really really unimportant, even though it's not unimportant."Meredith rambled on, and then realizing that she was rambling, she stopped herself from further rambling.

Derek chuckled. "You know, I haven't heard you ramble like that in a long time. It's good to hear your rambling again. Reminds me of the old days."

Meredith groaned a little in frustration. She had thought that she had got rid of the rambling over time, but apparently not. She still rambled when she was nervous; it was one of those many habits that didn't change with time. She was not supposed to ramble now; she was a mature married woman, a mother of two kids, a grown up woman. It was one thing for her to ramble when she was a young and dewy-eyed intern, but she guessed old habits die hard or whatever.

She shifted a little under the blankets and slowly started to talk. It was not like she would be able to get a good night's sleep if she didn't get it out of her system.

_When you can't wait any longer_

_But there's no end in sight_

_(When you need to find the strength)_

_It's the faith that makes you stronger_

_The only way we get there is one step at a time_

"This is going to sound stupid, but I was kind of making up those rules we talked about a few days' ago. We decided that we were going to make them as we go along, and I was thinking that maybe we should include a weekly date night thingy...Which sounds crazy because we are married people with full-time careers and two kids to take care of, plus I would feel like a really crappy and selfish mom if I left my kids with babysitters so that I could go out on dates with my husband, but we need some alone time, and I know we talked about that vacation, but it's probably going to be a while before the vacation comes around and...You know what, forget it. It is crazy and improbable with our busy lives."

Derek waited for her monologue to be over, which actually felt like a soliloquy because she was thinking out loud, and he smiled. He just smiled.

"Why are you smiling in that weird way?"Meredith asked, a little apprehensive.

Derek just shook his head. "The idea is neither crazy nor stupid. We could always do a date night; we need to spend more time together, Mer. And there is no need to feel guilty about it; you will not be a crappy mom if we leave our kids with the babysitters or with Alex for a few hours a week to take some time for ourselves. We love our kids, Mer. They are our world, but we also need to have some time reserved for ourselves. Something that we forgot to do after Bailey was born. Sometimes, it's fair to take some time off from the duties of mommy and daddy, and just be us again. There is nothing to feel guilty about; it will be good for us, it will be really good for us."

Meredith pressed her lips together. Derek always knew all the right words to say, and he made it all sound so easy and perfectly natural. Except there was nothing easy about it.

"But, how are we going to arrange for a babysitter on a weekly basis? We can't always leave the kids with Amelia or Alex; they have their own lives too, apart from babysitting for us."She pointed out matter-of-factly.

"We will figure something out. I'm sure some sort of arrangement can be worked out. Maybe we could ask Callie to do it for us once a month and we will offer to babysit Sofia for one day in return. There are four weeks in a month, so if we figure out a permanent arrangement for one day, we can figure something out for the rest three days. We have plenty of options and we can always rotate among them, "Derek spitballed.

"That sounds kind of...weird. And bad parent-like. Our kids would be rotating among different people every week. That won't be fair to them."

Derek exhaled audibly. "It's not being bad parent-like. Stop worrying so much about it...Besides, Zola and Bailey love spending time with Amelia, Alex and Callie. It's not like we are leaving them off to random strangers every week. They are practically our kids' uncle and aunts; they are family. We are leaving them with their family."

Meredith sighed. Derek was always hopeful that there would be a way to bend things to their will, and listening to him talk gave her hope too. She still had her qualms about it though, but she knew that she and Derek needed this change of things in their life in order to move on and make their marriage work.

"Hmm...I guess you do have a point."She finally conceded.

"I always have a point. You should never doubt that," he rejoined with a smug grin on his face.

Meredith giggled. "Well, aren't you just full of yourself?"She added sarcastically.

Derek laughed at her snide remark. Meredith sobered up after a few moments and said, "You know, just because I said date night, it doesn't mean that it has to be a conventional 'date' in some fancy restaurant or something.

Date night doesn't mean we always have to go on real dates. Just spending time alone, the two of us. I mean, obviously we are not going to be alone since there would be two of us, but you know what I mean. We can even just stay at home and put on a movie or something and call it a date. Not necessarily the whole dinner and expensive restaurant thingy. It would not be us. We will do something that is _us."_

Derek gave his wife a smile, his eyes transfixed on hers. "Your idea is absolutely perfect. Fancy restaurants are not us, even though it can be a change of things on rare occasions. How come your ideas are always perfect?"

"Well, I did spend a lot of time obsessing over this," Meredith said.

"I thought you just said you don't obsess over things?"Derek asked, his voice full of amusement. Sometimes, he found himself being awed and amused at what a paradox his wife could be.

"Hmm...I guess I lied. I – I do obsess over things. And overanalyze them. It's just, once I come up with something, I like to think of ways to improve it. Obsessive nature, I guess."Her voice sounded a little unsure and unconfident.

"Hey, you are not the only one with the obsessive nature. I was thinking about the rules too," Derek replied truthfully.

"You – you did? Really?"

"Yeah, why not? I am in this just as much as you are. Do you not believe that?"Derek asked her, sounding hurt.

"No. No, it's not that. I believe you, I do. It's just...I know that you are trying just as hard as I am. I know, Derek. So, did you come up with something that could work for us?"

"Well, I just thought that, before I went to D.C., both of us were so busy with work and family that we never took the time to talk to each other about anything other than that. The communication between us, I think we lost it somewhere along the way. Our conversations were always centred on the kids, or the hospital. I think we need to change that.

Every day, we will make sure to spare at least ten minutes for each other. These ten minutes can be at any time of the day, during work or before going to bed at night. Ten minutes is the bare minimum. During these ten minutes, we will not talk about any of these topics: work, family, kids, grocery shopping, who's going to do what around the house, who is going to pick up the kids on which day, hospital gossip, who is banging who this week and anything along those lines. These ten minutes of the day, they will be reserved only for us. We will talk about us, just us, small things, big things, anything about us really. We will get to know each other better; we will know each other's inner world. And ten minutes, every day. We will not postpone or give up these ten minutes at any cost; no excuses like I'm whacked today, so we will do this tomorrow or anything. No avoiding."

After Derek finished, Meredith just lay there, gazing at him with slightly surprised eyes. He was – he was good, he was really good. His rule was, well, perfect in short.

"Meredith?"he asked, uncertain about why she had not responded. "Is it okay? Or do you not like the idea?"

Meredith snapped out of her short reverie and trained her focus back on him. She wore a shocked expression as she said, "That is – the idea is perfect, Derek. It's exactly what we need. How did you even come up with it?"

Derek smiled modestly. "I try my best, you know," he joked and then added on a more serious note, "I just thought that we need to work on communicating well again. Besides, spending more time with you is something I never complain about. We are taking baby steps and this seemed like a good step to take."

_Take one step at a time_

_There's no need to rush_

_It's like learning to fly or falling in love_

_It's gonna happen and it's supposed to happen_

_That we find the reasons why,_

_One step at a time..._

"Hmm..."Meredith nodded her head, trying to cover up a yawn and failing miserably at it. "The ten minute rule is a good one. We – we will start it from tomorrow, okay? I'd love to start it from today, and I remember what you just said right now about making excuses, but I'm really going to flake out in the middle of our conversation if we continue right now."

Derek grinned tiredly at her. "I know. I'm probably going to do the same too. We were gonna talk for ten more minutes, but I'm pretty sure it's been half an hour," he said glancing at the clock.

"So, just sleep now? And rest of the talking tomorrow?"Meredith asked, shifting under the covers.

"Yeah, sleep. Definitely sleep right now."Derek responded as Meredith turned her back towards him and closed her eyes, smiling when she felt him wrap his arm loosely around her waist from behind. She pushed herself backwards, curling up closer to him, enjoying the warmth that his body radiated.

She had definitely missed his warmth during the time they had stayed apart; she had missed the comfort and safety that she felt in his arms. She had forgotten what it felt like – to sleep with his arms around her, but it was a feeling that she could definitely get used to once again.

"Goodnight, Derek," she mumbled as she leaned over to turn off the lights.

"Goodnight, Mer," he sighed, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. His touch caused a gentle shiver to run down her spine. They were being a lot more intimate since they had finally talked about things, but she was still getting used to it. It was good; it was good that they were being intimate without actually having sex yet. They were taking things slow, and taking things slow meant working more on the emotional aspect of their relationship than on the physical one.

Once the emotional distance was bridged, the physical distance would be bridged automatically. With that thought in mind, Meredith finally let herself drift off to a peaceful slumber.

_One step at a time_

_There's no need to rush_

_It's like learning to fly or falling in love_

_It's gonna happen_

_And it's supposed to happen_

_That we find the reasons why,_

_One step at a time..._

* * *

**A/N: Whew! Longest chapter till date; hope it made up for the month-long wait (again, so sorry about that). There isn't much to say about this chapter, except that they are communicating and discussing things, making rules, thinking about taking a vacation and just making progress.**

**Okay, a quick question for all of you. The vacation thing is nothing concrete, but where would you like them to take a vacation if and when they go? I've been on the fence about it for awhile now, so I'm asking you guys. Let me know if you have any place in mind that would be a good vacation spot for them under the given circumstances, and I'll do a bit of back-up research on that and then choose.**

**Let me know what you guys think. Your thoughts are always appreciated :)**

**Song Lyrics from "One Step at a Time" by Jordin Sparks**


	6. Little Moments

**A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who read and reviewed! You guys are really awesome! The response that I got to the last chapter made me insanely happy, and I hope this chapter will return the favour to you guys.**

* * *

_**Little Moments**_

_Well, I'll never forget the first time that I heard_

_That pretty mouth say that dirty word_

_And I can't even remember now,_

_What she backed my truck into_

_But she covered her mouth and her face got red_

_And she just looked so darn cute_

_That I couldn't even act like I was mad_

_Yeah, I live for little moments like that_

Derek rolled over in bed at the sound of the alarm clock. He groaned a little, burying his face in the pillow in an attempt to stay in bed a little longer. But, the clock blared relentlessly, signalling that he should be out of bed already.

Muttering a cuss under his breath, he reached out and turned the clock off. He rolled on his back and rubbed his eyes in order to feel more awake for his day. He had an early surgery scheduled that day, which was a rarity since Amy took over most of the early surgeries on the pretext of giving him a flexible schedule.

The sleep was still clinging to his heavy eyes, and he let out a large yawn as he turned his head to the other side of the bed where his wife was lying, still fast asleep.

A smile spread across his face as he watched his wife sleep soundly, her dark- blonde waves sprawled all over the pillow and her mouth slightly open as she let out gentle snores. She looked so peaceful in her sleep, her face untouched by the worries that plagued her during daytime, her features completely relaxed as she most likely drifted in the sea of her dreams.

He loved waking up to her face like this, every morning, and he couldn't think of a better way to start his day. Her face was like his lucky charm and it brightened up his mornings. Sometimes, he felt like he woke up only so that he could watch her sleep and he couldn't believe how he had gone by without this in D.C.

He lay on the bed for a few more minutes, not moving, just lying and watching her as she slept. He knew she would probably call him an old creeper or something if she woke up and found him staring at her, but he didn't care. He could stay in bed and watch his wife sleeping all day, and he wouldn't mind.

But that couldn't be the case, because he had to get up right about now and rush to the hospital for his surgery. Meredith had to go in late that day, so she had told him to wake her up when he left for work. But, as he lay on the warm sheets next to his wife, watching her sleep so peacefully, he didn't have the heart to wake her up, especially since she had gone to bed late the previous night. She needed her rest; otherwise she wouldn't be able to bear the brunt of her exhaustion.

Letting out a soft breath, Derek tore his eyes away from Meredith's sleeping form and moved out of the bed, trying to make as little movement as possible. He knew that she would be mad at him later for not waking her up, and he was likely going to receive a talking-to from his wife, but he just couldn't wake her up when she was in such a deep slumber.

He moved about quietly around the room, getting his clothes out of the closet and then going to the bathroom to tidy himself up for the day. As he brushed his teeth, he thought about the long day lying ahead of him. He definitely had a jam-packed day, and all he wanted to do was return to his warm bed and never get out. He and Meredith needed to take that vacation they had talked about real soon.

After half an hour, Derek buttoned up his jacket, ready to leave for work. Somehow, miraculously, he had managed not to disrupt Meredith's sleep as he got ready and ate some cereal as way of a breakfast. He was in dire need of coffee to get him going so early in the morning, but their coffee maker had conked out a day ago and neither of them had found the time to get it repaired. He would probably have to get a cup of coffee from the hospital cafeteria, that too if he was not running late. And from the looks of it, he was going to run late.

He quickly moved around their bed and finished up doing the last thing, and then grabbed his briefcase to leave for work. He bent over Meredith's peacefully sleeping form that was curled up against his pillow, and dropped a feather-light kiss on the crown of her head.

He straightened up and walked out of the bedroom, hoping that Meredith would like his teeny little surprise.

_Well that's just like last year on my birthday_

_She lost all track of time and burnt the cake_

_And every smoke detector in the house was goin' off_

_And she was just about to cry as I took her in my arms_

_And I tried not to let her see me laugh_

_Yeah, I live for little moments like that_

* * *

Meredith curled up closer to the sheets, moaning a little as she stretched out in her bed. She felt completely well-rested, which was a wonder considering how exhausted she had been for the last few days. She had got used to going to bed late at night and then waking up early in the morning, but today, she felt good after sleeping in. As she slowly opened her eyes, blinking a few times to adjust her eyes to the light coming in through the windows, she realized that she was forgetting something.

She was still half asleep and so the realization that she was forgetting something was still somewhere in the back of her mind. Her brain was foggy and she couldn't bring herself to remember what it was that she had forgotten.

Moaning happily, she turned on her stomach, hugging the pillow close to herself. Days like these were when Meredith actually felt grateful that she was a surgeon. Being a surgeon meant that she had to run herself into the ground, but only then could she properly cherish and appreciate those rare days when she could just sleep in without having to worry about getting late to work. Days like these totally made the working hard thing worth it.

She squeezed her eyes shut once and then opened it, her eyes going subconsciously to the clock that sat on the bedside table. It was eight o'clock, which was pretty late considering the fact that she usually woke up at five thirty in the morning. She sighed happily as she pillowed her head again. Sleeping in late felt good, it felt really good and it would have felt even better if her husband had been there to cuddle with her all morning.

Meredith immediately bolted up in bed, the sudden realization of exactly what she had been forgetting hitting her. She was supposed to get up and see Derek off to work for his early shift. Crap, crap, crap. She was supposed to wake up and see him off, and she had set an alarm so that she would not miss it, but apparently, she had slept right through the blaring alarm.

Meredith huffed in annoyance with herself as she flopped back on the bed. She felt like she was a terrible wife, no, she was sure that she was a terrible wife, because she had promised Derek that she would get up in the morning before he left, and well, she hadn't. And she knew that Derek would probably think that it was no big deal or something, but it was a big deal to her. She had really wanted to see him before he left; she had really wanted to see her husband. Because she liked starting her day by seeing her husband's face, and it was probably the only time when she got to see him properly; both of them usually ran too busy during the rest of the day and got too beat by night.

And she had set a freaking alarm, she had set a loud, pesky, raucous alarm and then she had never even heard it ringing. She frowned, suddenly remembering that their coffee maker had yet to be repaired, which meant that Derek had to leave without his morning dose of caffeine. Great, now she was officially a terrible wife. What kind of a wife let her husband go to work in the wee hours of the morning without caffeine? Apparently, Meredith Grey did.

Meredith rubbed her hand over her face in frustration with herself. She had wanted to be there when he left for work, she really did. Yes, that had been the plan – to wake up, try to make breakfast for Derek, see him off, and then go back to sleeping. And now, her plan was scuppered and God knew when she would get to see her husband again. Probably after work was over or maybe during lunch, if she was lucky and no emergencies came in.

What was done was done though, and she could not reverse anything. Besides, she had to get up and get ready for work too; it was not her day off. Sighing loudly, she rolled on her side, proceeding to get out of bed.

However, something caught Meredith's eye as soon as she rolled on her side. She propped herself up on one elbow and reached out to what had grabbed her attention. As she took a look at what it was, a wide grin spread out across her face, displaying almost all her teeth.

Meredith grinned from ear to ear as she examined the thing she had found on her pillow. She had to say, she was pleasantly surprised by it. She had definitely not expected something like this, and while it was not nearly as good as seeing Derek himself, it was definitely a heart-warming gesture, one that made her grin like crazy and never want to stop grinning.

Derek had left a blue post-it note tucked on the pillow, the words inscribed in his usual messy scribble.

"_You looked too beautiful while sleeping, so I didn't wake you up even though I wanted to. You are the sun lighting up my life. Wanna meet for lunch? I will be waiting for you in the lobby. Have a great morning. I love you. – D"_

Meredith smiled as she read the note and then cast her eyes towards the thing that had been accompanying the note. A stunning white calla lily with dark pink flecks near the spadix was tied up with two sprigs of lavender and was placed gently on the pillowcase. She picked it up and twirled the flower in her fingers, smiling widely as she wondered when Derek had planned this out. He hadn't bought flowers last night, that she was sure of, and he had left early in the morning, so she had no idea when and where he had got the flower from. But it was her favourite flower, and Derek had taken the time to do this for her. The simple yet intimate gesture spoke volumes for her and made Meredith feel special, more special than she had felt in a long time.

She had never doubted the fact that Derek loved her, she had never felt unloved, but there was something about waking up to a pleasant surprise like this that made Meredith feel special. It was cheesy as hell, and looked like something that the hero of a romantic movie would do, but maybe, a little cheesy could be good sometimes. She was pretty sure that the grin on her face was permanent, and it was going to stay there for the rest of the day. Not that she was complaining; it felt really good when her husband did these little things for her to show her that he loved her.

It was just that she was not accustomed to him doing things for her, little things like leaving flowers and notes that made her feel special and loved and wanted. Or maybe she had been accustomed to that at one point in their relationship, when everything had been new and fresh, namely during the courtship. But, like so many couples, they had fallen out of the habit once courtship was over. And now, now it seemed like they were getting back to that, or at least trying to. And it felt good; it felt amazing to have Derek trying to romance her again. She just wished that it hadn't taken him going to D.C. and kissing another woman to reach this point in their marriage.

Meredith quickly shook her head, shaking off all the negative thoughts. She was not going to think about that today, not after such a perfect start to her day. D.C. and whatever had happened there was a distant memory now, and she was not going to dwell on the past. D.C. had been a phase, and that phase was over now. It was no longer of any significance. What was significant was that her husband had left her a cheesy, romantic note and flower which had made her morning brighter. She brought the lily up to her nose and inhaled its soft scent, feeling a glorious wave of warmth sweeping over her. Waking up to this had really made her day, and as she finally pushed herself out of bed to start on with her day, she just couldn't wipe off the smile that had taken permanent residence on her face.

* * *

_I know she's not perfect but she tries so hard for me_

_And I thank God that she isn't_

'_Cause how boring would that be_

_It's the little imperfections,_

_It's the sudden change in plans_

_When she misreads the directions _

_And we're lost but holding hands_

_Yeah, I live for little moments like that_

Derek sat in his office, skimming through the paperwork that had piled up during his absence. He groaned as he pinched the bridge of his nose and then proceeded to sign yet another paper. His headache was coming on in full force, and he had yet to get that coffee he had planned on getting earlier in the morning.

The day had been going well, with him getting pumped up with the adrenaline rush that came with the early morning surgery. But, then he had been dumped with paperwork and any kind of rush he had been feeling earlier had dissipated, leaving him with a dull, throbbing headache, a foul mood, and a strong desire for coffee.

He knew he could just go downstairs and get a cup of coffee, but there was so much paperwork and he wanted to be done with them as soon as possible. Besides, the cafeteria coffee tasted like crap and he certainly didn't have the time to run to a decent café right now.

He tried to take his mind off the headache by thinking about other things. After all, psychology said that half of the pain that humans feel is a mental exaggeration of the actual pain.

He let his mind drift to the earlier part of the morning, when things had been kind of perfect and he had been in bed with his wife instead of being where he was right now. Derek wondered if Meredith had liked the note and the flower; if she had, she had not called or texted him yet to let him know. He didn't even know it if they were going to meet for lunch later in the day. He was beginning to think that she didn't like it, that she had probably thought it was too cheesy or something. Which he had to admit it was, but he had really wanted to surprise Meredith a little and he hoped that it had worked.

He smiled absentmindedly as he thought about how beautiful she had looked that morning, so peaceful and carefree in her sleep. Her face was usually marred with worries and anxiety all day; she only looked that peaceful and relaxed when she was with him or the kids or when she was sleeping. He wanted her to look like that all the time, but that was not possible. Troubles and worries were always going to be there, he couldn't take that away. All he could do was try to bring a smile to her face during difficult times, let her know how much he loved her.

He wished he could see her face right now though; seeing her would brighten his day instantly and take away all his crankiness. It sounded insane but he already missed her, even though the day had barely begun. He missed her like crazy, and he knew that if anyone could hear his thoughts, they would think that he was hopeless. He had left the house only a few hours ago; he should not be missing his wife like this so fast, and yet he missed her, and he was not sorry for it.

A knock on his office door pulled him out of his thoughts and he frowned as he looked up to see who it was, clearly irritated at the interruption of his daydreaming.

The door opened slightly and just as he was about to snap and tell whoever it was to leave, Meredith's face appeared behind the half-opened door.

"Well, you don't look very happy to see me. Is this a bad time? Should I leave?"Meredith asked uncertainly, carefully taking in her husband's annoyed expression. She had really wanted to see him before she went in for her surgery, but he was clearly in one of those dark moods of his.

Derek's eyes widened with surprise as he stared at his wife standing in the doorway. He had definitely not expected her to come to his office right now, and he partly wondered if he had mentally conjured her up with all his longing to see her. He even forgot to answer her question in his awe. When he didn't answer, Meredith just figured that he wanted her to leave him alone, but he didn't want to say that to her face. Taking his silence as an affirmative response to her question, she began to retreat.

Derek snapped out of his daze and quickly jumped out of his chair. "Wait, no, no. You don't have to leave; this is definitely not a bad time. Come in, don't leave."

Meredith stopped, arching one brow in question. "Are you sure you want me to stay? You didn't look very pleased to see me. If you want, I can come back later. You seem busy anyways."

Derek walked up to her and smiled. "I'm not busy, or, okay, I am busy. But, I always have time for you," he added with his best dreamy smile.

Meredith chuckled and rolled her eyes at his comment. "You do realize how corny that sounded, right?" She walked inside the office and waited for him to close the door and come back.

"You love it when I'm corny," Derek replied with a smirk as he came back to where she stood leaning against his desk.

"Sure I do," Meredith added with a smile as she reached up and kissed his cheek quickly. She was as surprised by her own action as he was, but she figured it was okay after all this time. She and Derek were doing good or at least a lot better than before and it was okay for her to kiss her husband. It was more than okay.

Derek grinned at her and then said, "Did you like my gift this morning?" She still had not mentioned anything about it and he was beginning to think that she really didn't like it.

"If I said yes, would you leave me alone?" Meredith teased with a fake indifferent look. Derek caught on to her game and decided to play along. "As far as I remember, you were the one who came to my office, not the other way round."

Meredith giggled as she turned around and reached for something on his desk. "Well, I came for work, not to idle my time."

Derek frowned, trying to understand what she meant before his eyes landed on the thing she was holding up in front of him. His frown instantly turned into a wide grin that was making his cheeks hurt. "You brought me coffee? From Starbucks?"

Meredith gave him a tiny smile as she handed him one of the two cups of coffee. She wasn't sure what Derek's reaction would be because it was not really a big deal, it was just coffee. But, after that day's morning, she realized that she had unconsciously missed the time when she and Derek used to do these little things for each other, like bring each other coffee or muffins, or visit each other in the middle of the day just to say hi. Both she and Derek had got too busy with work and kids to even do those things anymore, and she had not even realized that she missed it. She had just fallen into the new pattern and went along with it, because it had been comfortable. She had never paid attention to how much she missed their old pattern, the one they had before their lives got crazy and complicated.

"I got you a macchiato. If I remember right, it has been ages since you had a macchiato from Starbucks. Plus, the coffee maker was broken and you didn't get to have coffee this morning, and you had to come in early, so I figured that you would be cranky without caffeine. Oh, and I did love the flower and the note this morning, so you can also consider this as returning the favour. There, I gave you all the possible reasons for bringing you coffee." Meredith laughed as she took the slightly amused and confounded look on Derek's face.

"A simple 'I love you' would have worked too, but since you decided to go the long route," Derek chuckled once he broke out of his confounded trance. He sobered up a little as he said, "Thank you for bringing me coffee. It was the second thing I really needed right now, and it really has been ages since I had one from Starbucks. You are the best wife ever."

"Hmm...So, I just need to keep bringing you coffee to bag the Best Wife award this year. Good to know. And coffee is the second thing you needed right now? What's the first?" Meredith asked as Derek took a sip of his drink.

"You," Derek said simply and Meredith felt a sudden blush creep on her features, clueless as to where the blush came from. She smiled at her husband, who was really being amazing that day, not that he was not always amazing, but that day, he was going all-out with the perfectness.

Derek smirked at his blushing wife and leant forward to press a kiss to her cheek, which only served to intensify her blush. He had no idea why she was blushing like that, but he figured that it meant all was good.

"Um, well...I should, I should go now. I have a surgery soon and we will meet for lunch. We are still meeting for lunch, right?" Meredith asked, a little unsure as she bit her lower lip.

"Of course. And we are not having lunch in the cafeteria, we will go somewhere outside the hospital," Derek nodded firmly.

"Oh, okay then. I should, I should go now," Meredith responded only half-heartedly, because she had no desire to leave right now. She still had half an hour to spare before her surgery, and she silently wished that Derek would ask her to stay. She had said that she should leave only because she did not want to distract him from his work when he was clearly busy. But she would stay if he wanted her to.

Derek looked at her, his eyes sparkling as he asked, "Do you have to go right now? Can't you stay for a few more minutes?" He pleaded with her, not wanting her to leave just yet.

Meredith smiled at him as she replied, "I can stay. I can stay a few more minutes if you want me to. I don't have to go in before 10:30."

"Then stay," Derek said firmly as he took her arm and lead her towards the couch. She dropped down beside him and rested her head on his shoulder as they just enjoyed their coffee and basked in each other's company.

_When she's layin' on my shoulder on the sofa in the dark_

_And about the time she falls asleep_

_So does my right arm_

_And I want so bad to move it 'cause it's tingling and it's numb_

_But she looks so much like an angel_

_That I don't wanna wake her up_

_Yeah, I live for little moments_

_When she steals my heart again and doesn't even know it_

_Yeah, I live for little moments like that..._

* * *

**A/N: So, they are happy and things are starting to get back to perfect. They are trying to get back to perfect, and at this point, they're succeeding immensely. But, this fic is not all rainbows and unicorns. Because, as much as I love rainbows and unicorns, there are other things that still need to be dealt with. There, I tried to give a little spoiler about what's coming next, but forgive me if I failed at do it the right way.**

**Let me know what you guys think about this. Your thoughts are ever appreciated :)**

**Song Lyrics from "Little Moments" by Brad Paisley**


	7. One Step Forward

**A/N: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I know many of you were expecting the lunch date in this chapter, but I had other plans. But, don't worry; there will be plenty of dates in the future chapters. For now, I hope you will bear with me on this.**

* * *

_**One Step Forward**_

_You held me up, held me down_

_Made me crazy then you brought me around_

_Were my darkness and my light_

_You were my blindness and my sight_

_Were my shelter and my storm_

_Made me cold then you made me warm_

_You were my fever and my cure_

_Made me doubt and you made me sure_

Meredith shut the door of her car and then made her way towards the house. She could see the lights on, so she could only assume that Derek was already home. The thought made her spirits lift a little; she had had a characteristically bad and arduous day and she was ready to fall in her husband's arms and relax a little. She had lost a patient that day, which was not really something very uncommon for her, except it always bothered her when she lost a patient. It didn't matter that she had lost hundreds, probably thousands of patients in her surgical career; the loss of a patient always managed to stir her emotions.

Turning the doorknob, she flung the front door open and her eyes landed on Derek standing in the kitchen, his back turned to her. She swung the door shut and then proceeded to shuck her overcoat, expecting Derek to turn around, but he didn't. He stood in the same position, oblivious to her arrival and her presence in the room. Meredith was a little surprised, but she chose to attribute Derek's oblivion to mental exhaustion.

Padding down to where he was standing, she placed her hand on his shoulder and made her presence known. "Derek?"

Derek's body jolted out of some kind of stupor and he immediately turned around to face her, as if he had received an electric shock. He let the cup that he had been holding fall in the sink and stretched his lips into a smile. "Meredith, you are home. When did you come in? I didn't hear you," he greeted her, though his voice sounded a little tight.

"Just now. You looked like you were lost in a different world, maybe that is why you didn't hear me. What were you thinking about?" Meredith asked, noticing the worry lines on her husband's face.

"Nothing, nothing. Do you want coffee? I made some when I got back," Derek replied a little too quickly for Meredith's liking. Something seemed off, but Meredith couldn't put her finger on it.

"Yeah, sure. I had a hellishly long day, my brain is fried and I lost a patient. Tots up to a bad day that needs coffee to make it better," Meredith replied, letting go of her suspicions for the time being. Maybe, she was just overanalyzing things.

"Oh, I am sorry. Go sit on the couch and I will join you with the coffee. Then, we can talk about your day," Derek nodded, sounding normal for the first time since Meredith had stepped foot in the house. Meredith shook her head and then shuffled off towards the couch, ruling out her suspicions as her brain's hyperactivity. Derek joined her with two steaming cups of coffee a few minutes later, and she gladly took a sip of the hot beverage, sighing out in relief.

"So, you want to talk about your day?" Derek asked her tentatively, trying to gauge her mood.

"Oh, um, I guess. The girl was only seventeen, her name was Jenny. She was diagnosed with liver cancer at the age of twelve; she had had multiple surgeries since then. The cancer kept coming back though, and this time, we knew her chances of survival were low. I and Bailey decided to proceed with the surgery anyway, but the cancer had spread too much. She coded on the table," Meredith tailed off, her mind wandering off to the time when she had to tell Jenny's parents about Jenny's death. Jenny's mother had broken down right in Meredith's arms, and Meredith couldn't have helped but think of her own little daughter at that time. If anything ever happened to Zola...

"I am so sorry. That must have been terrible," Derek interrupted her train of thoughts with his voice.

Meredith shook her head and shifted closer to him. "It was. Bailey was more affected; Jenny was an old patient of hers. I know they tell us not to get attached with patients, but it's really difficult to put aside our humanity and do our work," Meredith finished and both of them lapsed into a silence. Meredith expected Derek to say something, but surprisingly, he didn't. The red flag in her brain was going up again, telling her that something was definitely wrong. This was not at all like Derek's usual self.

"Okay, what's wrong?" Meredith finally asked and broke the spell of silence.

"What? Nothing, nothing. Why would you think something is wrong?"Derek spoke a little too defensively.

"Derek, you are being quiet and broody. You are somewhere else. Something is bothering you, otherwise you would have said comforting and Derek-y things to me right now. So, tell me, what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. I'm sorry I did such a crappy job of comforting you; I am just tired," Derek lied right through his teeth.

"No, you are not tired. Something is bothering you and now you are lying to me about it. You are breaking our rules, Derek," Meredith said firmly. "We are supposed to be honest with each other, and I can clearly see that you are lying right now."

Derek remained silent for a while, seemingly contemplating something. Finally, after a good five minutes, he said, "You have had such a bad day, and I don't want to burden you with other things right now."

Meredith placed her coffee mug on the table and grabbed his hand. "You are not going to burden me with anything. I am okay, really okay, not Meredith okay. I lost a patient; it happens to me almost every other day. I'm a little low but not depressed or anything. You can tell me whatever thing is bothering you; I won't be burdened. Talk to me," she urged, wanting to know.

Derek paused and then said, "Okay, but, I want you to stay really calm when I say this. Hear me out before jumping to any conclusion, because – you are not going to like this."

Meredith's chest tightened a little at his words. What was he going to say that she would not like? He wanted her to stay calm, but here she was, internally freaking out before he had even said anything.

"Okay, now tell me," she replied.

"Please hear the whole thing, alright. Just, this is –"

"Derek, you are freaking me out, alright? Just cut to the chase. What is it?" Meredith said, her voice trembling a little this time. She was getting scared now; did Derek want a divorce or something? Because, she had seen in the movies, when the guy wanted a divorce, he acted like this.

Derek took a deep breath and then murmured, "I got a call from D.C. today. They, they want me to go there for a day, so that I can tie up some loose ends and formally give up my position. You know, I sent my resignation letter via email, but I still have some of the documents with me that I have to turn in, and they are replacing me, so – they want me to go there and officially hand over my work to the new guy." Derek paused, and then eyed his wife carefully, trying to gauge her impending reaction. He knew this was going to be tough for her; it had only been two weeks since he had returned from D.C, and now, he was being called back. He fully expected her not to want him to go, and he was prepared to say no to the White House in that case. If Meredith did not want him to go, he would not go. But, he was also worried about what kind of impression he would be leaving on the President of the United States, and more importantly, how rude it would seem to say no to make only a day's trip.

Meredith slowly pulled her hand back from Derek's and sat stock-still, her back rigid and her posture firm. She did not know what to say. It seemed like the cycle was repeating itself; Derek had just come back and things were starting to look good and now, now, Derek was going to return to D.C. again. He had said that it was going to be only for one day, but he had said that before too. When he had first received a call from the White house, he had said the same thing, hadn't he? _"One last interview, Meredith, and then I'm home." _And then, that one last interview had turned into an entire job offer, with him chafing to uproot his family and move to the other side of the country. And when she had protested, he had moved to D.C. alone and then... Meredith felt an odd sense of déjà vu hitting her as she sat there, completely quiet, the silence between her and Derek deafening.

_One step forward and two steps back_

_Nobody gets too far like that_

_One step forward and two steps back_

_This kind of dance can never last_

Derek's patience was quickly coming to an end as he sat there and stared at his wife. She was not saying anything, she was not moving, and it was scaring the shit out of him. He had not expected her to jump with joy when he said this, but he had not expected total silence either. The silence felt ominous and it was killing him.

"Meredith, say something," he rasped out after what seemed like a long time.

Meredith did not move an inch. She sat in the same position and Derek wondered if she had even heard him. However, as he debated whether he should remain silent or speak again, Meredith spoke up in a barely perceptible voice. "What did you say to them?"

Derek released a shaky breath and then said, "I told them that I will get back to them later. I wanted to run it past you before making any decision." It was the truth; he remembered what had happened last time when he had not felt the need to run things past Meredith before making decisions. He was not going to make the same mistake again; she had an equal say in this and he was going to give her that.

"But, you wanted to say yes?" Meredith asked point-blank, her face deadpan and her eyes focussed straight ahead.

Derek was taken aback by her question. "Meredith, I just told you, I wanted to talk to you about it before saying yes or no."

Meredith shook her head. "You know I didn't ask you about that. I am asking you if you want to go back to D.C. again. Do you want to go, Derek?" she asked, this time turning her face towards him and looking him straight in the eye.

Derek opened his mouth to speak and then closed it. He was not sure how to answer her, more importantly, what answer did Meredith expect from him? He tried to study her face for some clue as to what she expected him to say, but there was nothing. He pondered whether he should just say no and humour her. But, what if, she expected him to say yes? He had no idea what to say or how to avoid starting a fight, because he was pretty sure that whatever was going to come out from his mouth next would be enough to ignite the fire, and he didn't want that. He did not want the fight that he could already see approaching. They had not fought the whole week and he had finally thought that they were getting on more stable ground, and he did not want to destroy that. He did not want to destroy the stability they had managed to achieve after so many hardships.

_You were my hope and my fear_

_You were my laughter and my tear_

_Were my destiny and my faith_

_Kept me movin' and you made me wait_

_Were my weakness and my power_

_You were the thorn in the flower_

_You were my sunshine and the rain_

_Made me feel so good brought so much pain_

"Derek, stop humming and hawing. I want an honest answer from you, that is all I am expecting. Please, give me an honest answer," Meredith said, snapping Derek out of his thoughts, as if she had read his mind. She wanted an honest answer from him, even though she might not like that answer.

"I – I could go..I mean, it's only for one day and I just have to tie up some of the loose ends and then, this chapter will be closed forever. We'd never have to bother about this again. It would be done and over," Derek mumbled out, not quite sure what Meredith's reaction to his answer could be.

Meredith stared at him for a minute, her eyes taking on a cold appearance, or so it seemed to Derek, and then she nodded. "I understand. Does tying the loose ends also include finishing the things that you didn't manage to finish last time?" she threw at him, her voice uncharacteristically harsh and high-pitched, grating on his ears.

Derek's mouth fell agape. "What are you talking about?" he managed to say amidst all his astonishment. Really, what did she mean to say?

Meredith stood up and looked down at him, her sharp glare burning into his eyes. "You don't know what I am talking about? I am talking about your research and your research fellow, Derek. You left things incomplete last time. Do you plan on finishing the deed with your fellow this time? The deed that you left unfinished?" she spat out, her temper getting the best of her.

"Meredith!" Derek gasped as the implication of her words hit him with the force of a jackhammer, her silent accusation ringing in his ears and making his blood boil. He stood up and looked her directly in her eyes. "How could you say that? How? After everything I said, I did, how could you make such an accusation?" He still could not believe his ears.

"Why? Why should I not say that, Derek? Do you think I am stupid, idiotic, a pinhead? Do you think I don't understand what you are doing? You are doing the same thing that you did last time; you are repeating the same cycle. You ask for my approval, however, you have already made up your mind about what you want to do. Then, why are you pretending to ask for my approval? You can just go to D.C., saying that it is only for one day, and then, the President and his officials and your dear research fellow are going to persuade you not to give up the dream job, and then, you are going to realize that you don't need me or your family, that your career is more important and you are going to end up staying in D.C. with your research fellow," Meredith yelled at him, tears pricking her eyelids. She could not believe that she had managed to come back right where she had started; it was like a circle, there was no point in trying to reach the end.

"What?! That's, that is insane! You know I would never do that to you. You know that you are more important to me than anything or anyone else! How can you even think like that?" Derek matched her pitch, quickly turning on his defensive mode as his temper flared too.

"I don't know anything, Derek! I don't know anything, and yes, I can think like that because that is what you did last time; because that is what you do! You did it with Addison, and you almost did it with me, and now, now, you are going to go back to D.C. again to finish your incomplete deed. I can think like that because I never thought that you would kiss another woman, but you did. So, I don't know what you are capable of doing or not doing anymore. I don't freaking know anything!" Meredith screamed at him, not really caring that her voice was flying right through the roof. She was angry, and hurt, and scared and she had no idea what she was so angry about.

_Now, one step forward and two steps back_

_Nobody gets too far like that_

_One step forward and two steps back_

_This kind of dance can never last_

"How dare you! How dare you accuse me of being a cheater? You – you have no right to say that! I am not doing what I did last time! That is why I wanted to talk to you before agreeing to go to D.C. Because I wanted you to have your rightful say in this, which I failed to do last time. I did not want to repeat last time's mistake, and God, why are you reacting like this? I won't go if you don't want me to go, Meredith, but for God's sake, it's only for one day!" Derek shouted at her, all rational thoughts escaping his mind.

Meredith shook her head in exasperation and moved to stand near the other end of the couch. "See, this is your problem. It always starts out as only one day, and then, then, lo and behold, it turns out to be a permanent thing! And don't fucking say things like you won't go if I don't want you to! I remember that you said the same thing last time, and then, you spent every fucking moment of every fucking day blaming and resenting me for it. So, don't you dare act like my agreement, my approval, my opinions matter to you, because they don't!" she bellowed out.

Derek gasped, taken by surprise at the way his wife was behaving. She was clearly acting irrationally and he had no idea why. His wife never flew off the handle like this, never. What was wrong with her?

"What is wrong with you?" he thought out loud, his mouth open in surprise. "What on Earth is wrong with you?"

Meredith narrowed her eyes, shooting daggers at him with her eyes. "What is wrong with me? With me – what is wrong with you? Why do you keep doing this to me, Derek? Why do you keep doing this to you and me, to us? Why, why, why?" she cried out, the tears now teetering on the edge of her eyes. "I am sick of this, I am sick of you doing this to me again and again! I am sick of this same old cycle; I am fucking sick of you!"

Derek clenched his jaw at her words, a rusty knife shredding his heart into pieces. He swallowed back the bile that had risen in his throat upon hearing her words and then bit back, "Well, guess what, the feeling is mutual!"

Meredith gasped, a sudden onrush of pain taking her off guard. She had no idea why they were fighting anymore, but the fight was quickly turning ugly. Neither of them wanted to give up, and in the process of trying to justify their own perspectives, they were throwing around words that could not be taken back.

"Of course, of course you are sick of me. Why wouldn't you be? You have got your new girl now, why would you need me? Why would you even want to stay with me? Who am I, compared to your new love interest? Why don't you just leave and go to D.C. right now, and get settled there, permanently, with your dream job, your dream girl and your dream life! Why don't you just cut to the chase and say that you don't want to stay with me anymore? Why don't you just say that you want to leave me and then just leave? Why are you wasting both of our time? Just simply say that you don't love me anymore and you don't want to be with me anymore; that you want to leave me and our family and go to your oh so dear research fellow in D.C!" Meredith shrieked as she turned around to quickly wipe her eyes with her sleeve. She did not want him to see her cry; she did not want to come across as weak and vulnerable to him. She did not want him to see her fears, her insecurities, her vulnerability that she had hidden so well from him.

_And we were never really meant for each other_

_We were never really meant to last_

_In the years that we danced together_

_Each step forward, we took two steps back_

_Each step forward, we took two steps back_

_Now, one step forward and two steps back_

_Nobody gets too far like that_

_One step forward and two steps back_

_This kind of dance can never last_

Derek could not take any more of it; he had had enough of Meredith's irrationality. He was not going to let her continue with this; he had to scotch it before it got more out of hand. "Meredith, you don't know what you are saying right now. Where is all of this coming from? You know I love you; I came back for _you_! You are clearly not in the right state of mind and –"

Meredith whipped her head around at warp speed and shot him a sharp glare. "What? I am not in the right state of mind? Oh, really? So, now you are calling me mentally unstable – crazy? Wow, Derek, just, wow," she let out a fake laugh in sarcasm.

"I didn't mean that! I meant that you are overreacting and you are being irrational and – "

"Oh, so now I am overreacting. Great, that's great. First, you call me crazy and now you are saying that I'm overreacting. I get what you are implying. You think I am mentally unbalanced, don't you?" Meredith yelled, her temper flaring once more.

"No! When did I say that? Can you stop putting words in my mouth and twisting my words around? Please, you need to calm down right now," Derek pleaded with her.

"I don't need to calm down! I will calm down when I feel calm. You – How can you do this to me again, Derek? You are going to go to D.C. and then you are going to end up staying there, aren't you? What happened last time is going to happen again, isn't it? Only this time, you may even sleep with your research fellow!"

Derek tried to bring his temper under control before saying anything this time. It was exceptionally hard to do though, since Meredith was flinging accusation after accusation at him. "Meredith, stop being such a –"he let his words die on his lips. Meredith had already blown her top, he couldn't join her.

Meredith's eyes widened but she quickly straightened her face. "What, Derek? Finish your sentence, stop being such a what? Bitch? That's what you wanted to say, right? That I am being a bitch, that you have a bitchy wife?"

Derek let out an exasperated sigh. "Meredith, I did not say that. I never said that."

"But the words were on the tip of your tongue, weren't they? You didn't say it, but you are thinking it. Really, Derek, that was what was left. That was what you had not done yet, called me a bitch. But, today, you did that too." Meredith blinked rapidly to keep her tears at bay.

"Meredith –"

"No, Derek. Don't Meredith me. You know what? Go to D.C., just go to D.C. and don't bother coming back. Go to hell, for all I care," Meredith spat out as she started moving towards the door.

Derek tried to blink back the tears that pooled in his eyes on hearing Meredith say that. "Meredith...don't you trust me?" he asked finally, though he already knew the answer. He wanted to hear her say it.

Meredith grabbed her coat and then turned her head around. "No, Derek, I don't trust you. I don't have a shred of trust in you and you know why? Because you have given me a hundred reasons for not trusting you and about five reasons for trusting you. So, guess what? I DO NOT trust you!"

Derek could not bring himself to say anything else to her in return. He had nothing to say in response to her last sentence. He just stood there, in silence, as Meredith threw him one last look and then flung the door open. Derek came back to his senses and quickly queried, "Meredith, where are you going?"

"To hell," she rejoined without turning around and then walked out of the house, slamming the door shut behind her. The loud bang of the door shutting was followed by the sound of an engine starting a few minutes later, and before Derek could do anything else, he saw Meredith's car pull back from the driveway. She had left, and she had left a very hurt and confused Derek behind. It was like all the progress that they had made or Derek had thought they had made over the past two weeks, had been a house of cards. And as soon as the wind had struck, the cards had blown away with the wind, leaving the house in shambles.

_One step forward and two steps back_

_Nobody gets too far like that_

_One step forward and two steps back_

_This kind of dance can never last..._

* * *

**A/N: Calm down, readers! I know this looks bad and resembles 11x19 in some ways, but let me assure you, I am not doing a repetition of 11x21 in this fic. And as far as the fight is concerned, I know it looks really bad but looks can be deceiving! I am sorry for putting MerDer through crap again, but I felt that this was really important in order to depict where Meredith stands as far as forgiving and trusting Derek is concerned. Clearly, their issues are nowhere near over yet, but I will fix this, and soon. Just have a little faith in me; I will not break MerDer up.**

**Let me know what you guys think. I appreciate all your thoughts :)**

**Song Lyrics from "One Step Forward" by The Desert Rose Band**


	8. Fade Into Darkness

**A/N: Thanks a lot to everyone who read and reviewed last chapter! It truly means a lot to me...Sorry for the delay, but here is the update...**

* * *

_**Fade Into Darkness**_

_Looking up there's always sky_

_Rest your head, I'll take you high_

_We won't fade into darkness_

_Won't let you fade into darkness_

The cold, tenebrous night descended in full force around the solitary car that stood by the side of the isolated lane. Not a single person was in sight, except the dark figure that was hunched up inside the only car visible on the street. The silence that engulfed the environs was deafening, occasionally broken by the chirping of the crickets in the nearby thickets. No sound, no movement was present in the lonely night as the full moon rose in the purple sky above.

Resting her head against the seat, Meredith sat in her car, stock-still. Silent tears were streaming down her cheeks in rivulets, her eyes puffy and tired from the crying, and her hands were gripping the steering wheel for dear life. She did not budge; she just sat in her car, studying the roof of her old car with utmost attention.

Her conversation with Derek played in her head over and over again. The words that had been thrown, the things she had said, the things he had said, everything kept playing in her head like an old, broken record. Every time she repeated the fight inside her head, she felt more and more remorseful. In retrospect, she did not even know why she had reacted like that in the first place; it was unusual for her to blow her top like that about such a simple matter. She did not know what had triggered her emotions like that; she felt like she barely knew herself anymore.

All she knew was that the minute Derek had said that he had been called back to D.C., she had felt this colossal wave of blind fury, distrust, suspicion, fear, insecurity and hurt wash over her again and again, making her act irrationally. She did not know why she had seen red the minute Derek had brought up the topic of going back to D.C., but she did know that the way she had reacted had been entirely wrong and irrational.

She had said so many things to him, so many hurtful, mean and hateful things that she had not meant. She had told him that she was sick of him; she had told him that he should go to D.C and not bother coming back; she had accused him of being a cheater. God, she had hurt him so much with her angry words; the look on his face when she had said all those things to him kept on haunting her – the look of stark pain on his face was haunting and unforgettable. He had flinched when she had verbally attacked him, like every word that had come out of her mouth had stabbed him physically. How could she ever possibly undo the damage that she had done? How could she ever go back and take back all the things she had said to him? How could she ever take back the pain that she had given him? How could she ever possibly explain that she had not meant half of the things she had said?

But, she had not been the only one who had said all hurtful things. She and Derek had bandied words; it had been a two way street. He had said some hurtful words too. He had said that he was sick of her too. He had come close to calling her a bitch. Yes, he had said all those things in defence, but, what if he had actually meant those words? What if he was really sick of her and her irrational, erratic behaviour?

Meredith shut her eyes tightly and tightened her grip on the steering wheel. Even the thought of Derek being sick of her was enough to make her want to throw up. Great, because with all the things that she had said to him, it was very much possible that Derek hated her now. Heck, she hated herself right now; Derek had every right to hate her, every goddamned right.

She opened her eyes and tried to inhale a deep breath to calm herself down. After driving around the streets of Seattle for about half an hour, she had finally pulled up in this secluded spot and since then, she had been sitting there, wallowing in her woes and remorse. She had lost track of time long ago, and she had no idea how long she had been sitting there, nor did she know how far away from her house she was.

All she knew was that she had hurt Derek in one of the worst possible ways, and now, now, she had no idea how to go back and face him and fix things. She knew she needed to apologize to Derek, but she was too scared that what she had done would be unforgivable to him. Moreover, she knew that she needed to sort things out in her head before she went back and faced Derek. She knew that she had to figure out the real reason she had reacted that way before she could even think about asking for Derek's forgiveness.

_Why worry now? You'll be safe_

_Hold my hand, just in case_

_And we won't fade into darkness_

_Fade into darkness_

_No, we won't fade into darkness_

_Fade into darkness_

If she really came to think about it, she did know why she had reacted that way. She had been scared, and insecure, heck, she was still scared and insecure that Derek would leave her, that Derek had come back last time only out of a sense of guilt and obligation. Deep in her heart, she knew her fears, suspicions and insecurities were baseless, unjustified, because she had seen the sincerity in Derek's eyes when he had told her that he was never going to stop loving her. She had heard the sincerity in his words, she had seen the remorse in his eyes, and yet, her head could not let go of those damned fears that kept on haunting her.

Meredith had an internal conflict going on inside her, between her heart and her head. Her heart said that Derek was not going to leave her for another woman, whereas her head said that he was not incapable of doing it; he had done it with Addison. Her heart said that she did trust Derek, whereas her head said that she did not have an iota of trust in him, and he deserved it. Her heart said that Derek did not want to go back to D.C. for the other woman, that he had asked her first about her approval before making any decision and he was ready to say no the White House if she wanted him to; her head said that it was all a façade, it was all a repetition of last time; he did not care about her approval or her opinions.

Meredith took in a shaky breath as she tried to scotch the internal conflict; she was tired of it. She did not want things to be this way; she did want to trust Derek again. But, there was something that was holding her back from doing so; it was a tiny voice in the back of her mind that constantly told her that she would be making a big mistake by trusting Derek again. And Meredith did not know how to shut that voice up.

Meredith knew that her trust in Derek had been wavered profoundly by Derek's infidelity, but she was trying her damnedest best to restore her trust in him. She really was trying, but her insecurities, her fears were keeping her from doing so. And now, now, Derek had been called to D.C. again, and all her insecurities and mistrust that she had boxed up and stashed away, were coming back with a vengeance.

How could she ever let Derek go back to D.C. – the place where the other woman was? The woman that her husband had been attracted to, the woman that her husband had kissed, that woman was still in D.C. and it was impossible for Meredith to let Derek go back to that place. He had controlled himself last time; what if he failed to control himself this time? What if he did give in to the temptation this time? Meredith's heart and head were not ready to take that risk yet.

And yet, Meredith knew that she couldn't keep Derek in front of her eyes all the time. She knew that today, she could tell Derek that she did not want him to go to D.C. and she would be able to stop him. But, a year from now, or five years from now, or ten years from now, Derek was bound to receive a call from some place outside Seattle, regarding some kind of surgical case or conference or something else. Then, then, what? What would she do then? She could not hold him back forever just because of her unjustified, baseless fears and mistrust. She would have to let him go out of her line of sight some day; what would she do then? Would she fight with him again, calling him a cheater? Would she stop him from going once again, like a dependent, needy, spineless person? Or would she start accompanying him to every single place he went, scared to let him out of her careful watch?

No, that could not be the case; that should not be the case. A marriage was based on trust, faith and love. Whenever distrust and suspicion started to creep into this sacred bond of love, the end was inevitable. And she could not let her and Derek's marriage end; she was not ready for it to be over. She would never be ready for them to be over, and that was why, she had to find a way to trust him again, by hook or by crook.

_And we won't fade into darkness_

_Fade into darkness_

_No, we won't fade into darkness_

_Fade into darkness_

Lots of people salvaged their marriages, their relationships after infidelity; why couldn't she and Derek? Besides, it was not like Derek had cheated on her fully; it had been a one-time mistake, one that he regretted to the utmost. Yes, she had always had trust issues, especially when it came to Derek, but nothing in the world was impossible. She had to learn how to trust Derek again; there was no other option or choice.

After his betrayal, Derek had been nothing but loving and supportive towards her. He had done what he had promised to do; he had made whole-hearted endeavours to make her feel safe and loved again. He had left no stone unturned to make sure that she viewed him as a person that she could trust and confide in. Now, it was her turn. It was her turn to try to see him as a person that she could trust with all her heart. Marriage was something that required constant efforts and work from both sides. If Derek could do so much to regain her love and trust, she had to try and trust him again too. She could not let her fears of Derek leaving her or Derek cheating on her, have a grip on her anymore. She did not want to be distrustful towards Derek anymore; she just did not know how to start.

* * *

Derek sat on the couch, his mind still reeling from the events that had just taken place. Tears pricked his eyelids as he remembered the last words that Meredith had said to him before leaving. She had said a lot of things to him, a lot of things that had stabbed him in the chest like a rusty knife, but her last words had hurt him the most of all. She did not trust him; she had said that she had no reason to trust him. Yes, he had made his fair share of mistakes, true, but he had also tried to make up to her for them. He had done everything in his power to regain her trust, to make her trust him again, and he understood that she needed time to learn to trust him again, but that did not mean that it had not hurt when Meredith had bellowed out that she did not trust him.

He had no idea why Meredith had reacted the way she had; he had known that she would not have been pleased on hearing about the call from D.C., but he had never envisioned in his wildest dreams that the simple thing could trigger Meredith's fury like that.

He glanced at the clock and realized that it had been well over an hour since Meredith had stormed out of the house. Worry crept in Derek's mind and he immediately took his phone out of his pocket to call her up. But, as he searched for Meredith's name in his phone's contact list, something in him held him back from dialling her number. He did not know whether it was his bruised ego or his wounded heart, but his finger kept on hovering over Meredith's name; he couldn't bring himself to dial her number. She probably wanted him to leave her alone anyway.

"_You know what? _ _Go to D.C., just go to D.C. and don't bother coming back." _Meredith's words rang in his ears and he threw his phone away, anger and hurt overpowering concern and worry. He would not call her; he had done nothing wrong this time, so he was not going to be the one to cave in first. If she cared one jot about him, she would call him on her own. Why should he always be the one to apologize first, even though the fault was hers?

Rage blinded him, and he resolved not to wait up for her. She would come back in her own time, after she had had time to cool down and think things through. Why should he always be the one to go chasing after her? He rose from his seat and walked inside his bedroom, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Plopping down on the bed, he buried his face in the pillow and tried to stop the tears from flowing. Derek Shepherd did not cry easily, but Meredith and her words had a hold on him that could turn him into a pile of sobbing mass in one moment. He hated the fact that she possessed such a hold on him, but he also loved her more than anything or anyone else in the world.

_This world can seem cold and grey_

_But you and I are here today_

_And we won't fade into darkness_

_No, we won't fade into darkness_

_Nothing to fear but fear itself_

_We'll be okay just keep the faith_

Derek did understand Meredith most of the time, but there were times like these, when he completely failed to assimilate the enigma that his wife was. He understood what it felt like to have your trust betrayed, after all, his trust had been once betrayed too, by none other than his wife and his best friend, but he still failed to grasp Meredith's situation here. Maybe it was because he had already fallen out of love with Addison when she had cheated on him, or maybe because he had never had trust issues like Meredith did. Nevertheless, he tried to understand Meredith's emotions, her internal struggles as much as he could, but how was he supposed to understand her feelings if she plainly refused to communicate with him?

It always took two to tango; his and Meredith's marriage could never work if he was the only one endeavouring to make it work. She had to put in her efforts too; she had to communicate her feelings to him, only then they could really work on their marriage instead of going round and round in circles. It made the bile rise in his throat to admit it, but his and Meredith's marriage was doomed if she continued to bottle up her emotions like this. God knew for how long she had been bottling up all the emotions that had come spilling out that day. She had made rules for their marriage; she had promised that they would be honest with each other about their feelings, but she was the one who was breaking her promise.

Derek rolled over in the bed and lay supine, staring blankly at the ceiling above. Subconsciously, his eyes turned to the side, Meredith's side, which was empty. He felt a sharp jolt of pain somewhere deep inside and he immediately turned on his side, facing away from the empty and cold side of the bed. The urge to call Meredith became stronger once more, but her words from their earlier flight came flooding back to him, and the urge ebbed away. No matter how much it pained him not to call her, he would control himself. Because, it was not he who had hurt her that day; it was she who had hurt him.

A part of him, the sane part, said that Meredith had not meant the things she had said. He knew that Meredith had a wild temper, and the logical part of him knew that half of the words that had come out of her mouth had been products of blind and sheer rage. But, there was another part of him, the bruised and wounded part that took Meredith's bitter words to heart. That part was blind to any kind of logic or justification; that part was simply hurt and angry with Meredith.

* * *

Meredith released a deep breath as she wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt. She knew that she had messed everything up, big time, and she had to take steps to fix everything before things worsened beyond recovery. She could not give up; she could not run and hide just because things were hard. Things were supposed to be hard, and she was supposed to be fighting all the hardships, not running from them. She had done enough running for a lifetime; it was time that she faced around and confronted her problems, her fears. But, first of all, she had to talk to Derek, lay it all out in the open. Because she knew that without his support, the fight to save their marriage would be lost.

She started the car and turned the steering wheel, her destination being home. She had mulled things over long enough to figure out that she had to do something in order to curb her fears and insecurities. She did not know whether what she was thinking was going to work or not, but it was worth a shot. There was only one way to find out if it was going to work, and that way was by turning her thoughts into action. And if it did not work, she could not give up. She was determined to keep fighting for her and Derek's marriage come what may.

As she drove through the streets to her home, her heart thudded wildly in her ribcage at the thought of confronting Derek. He was going to be livid, and hurt, and he probably did not even want to see her. If he had wanted to see her, he would have at least called her, but he hadn't. It hurt to know that Derek had not called her even once to check on her, but she knew it was her own doing. She would not have called him either, if she were in his place. In all probability, Derek was going to refuse to even talk to her, but that could not make her resolve waver. She had to talk to him, even if he was dead set about not talking to her. She might not take back her bitter and stinging words and the pain that came with it, but she could apologize and make it up to him, at least.

Meredith pulled up in the driveway of the house and saw that the house was dark inside. Her stomach did nervous flip-flops as her heart started to palpitate. Was Derek so mad at her that he had gone to bed without waiting for her? Well, if that was the case, she could not blame him. She knew how much words could hurt, and her invective was bound to hurt Derek deeply. But, there were other worries inundating Meredith's mind as she got out of the car and slammed the door shut. What if something had happened to one of the kids? Or what if, something had happened to Derek? The bile rose in Meredith's throat at the very thought of that and she quickly consoled herself. She had been gone only for two hours or so; nothing bad or calamitous could have happened in such a short time.

But, no matter how much Meredith tried to console herself, her palpitations would not cease. Something in her brain was telling her that Derek would have at least kept the lights on for her comeback, no matter how mad and hurt he was. He might have gone to bed, but he would not have plunged the entire house in darkness when he knew that Meredith was outside. He never did that; he had not done that once in the last twelve years. Meredith's palpitations increased as her long strides turned into full on running.

She ran and ran; it was like the more she ran, the more was the distance spanning between her and the house. Finally, she reached the front porch, panting and out of breath. Stopping only for a minute to catch her breath, Meredith quickly ran up the small flight of stairs and turned the doorknob, only to find it locked.

_Fade into darkness_

_Fade into darkness_

_And we won't fade into darkness_

_Fade into darkness_

_No, we won't fade into darkness_

_Fade into darkness_

_Fade into darkness..._

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**A/N: I know, I know, I was supposed to get you off the cliff and instead, I gave you another cliff. But, I really thought that a little bit of introspection and soul-searching could help Meredith out. And as far as the cliff is concerned, well, I can't really say anything about it here; if I did, I would have to write an entire chapter in my author's note...**

**Are you guys still hanging in there? I know I made you wait three weeks for this update, so is anyone still reading this fic? If you are, let me know your thoughts on this. I really appreciate all of them :) **

**Song Lyrics from "Fade into Darkness" by Avicii **


	9. I Keep On Lovin' You

**A/N: Thanks so much to each and every reader and reviewer! Your wonderful reviews make my day! Sorry for the slight delay, but you don't have to wait anymore...Here it is...**

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_**I Keep On Lovin' You**_

_Love takes the patience of Job_

_That's what my Mama always said_

_Faith is the belief in something _

_More than what you know_

_That's what the good book says_

Meredith's heart raced as she jiggled the doorknob again and again, trying to open the locked door in vain. She breathed out sharply as her hand reached over to the doorbell, a thousand awful thoughts about all sorts of possible worst case scenarios flooding her mind. She didn't want to ring the doorbell lest she wake everyone up, but it was her only option. She had forgotten to take her keys with her when she had stormed out of the house, and the only way to get inside now was by ringing the doorbell, that is, if anyone was even inside the house. She hoped that Derek had been so mad at her that he had locked her out; it was not an overly pleasant thought, but it was way better than some of the other thoughts that were running around in her mind at the moment. If Derek was mad at her, which he certainly was, then, at least she had a chance of talking to him and fixing things. But, if he or the kids were hurt or something, then...Meredith tried to push all the horrible thoughts away from her head as she placed her finger on the doorbell and pressed it.

The shrill sound of the doorbell reverberated through the entire house and rent the air. Meredith waited with bated breath as she heard some shuffling sounds coming from inside. She released the breath that she had been holding, and waited anxiously for Derek to open the door. She heard the sound of footsteps coming up to the door and the click of the lock being opened, but as the door swung open, Meredith came face to face with someone she had not been expecting.

"Derek, I – "Meredith began to say as the door opened, but she stopped midway when she saw the person who had opened the door. Shock overtook Meredith's facial features as Meredith murmured, "Amelia?"

Amelia's bright blue eyes that matched her brother's, were filled with genuine surprise too. The brunette was visibly shocked to see Meredith, just as Meredith was shocked to see her. "Meredith?" Amelia replied to Meredith's question with a question of her own.

"When – when did you come home?" Meredith queried, taken aback by Amelia's sudden and unexpected appearance at the door. As far as Meredith remembered, Amelia had told her that she would not be home for the night because she had a late-night surgery. Then, what was Amelia doing at the house at 10:30 in the night?

Amelia blinked a few times before replying, "Um...About an hour ago...When did you go outside?"

It was then that both women realized that Meredith was still standing outside, and Amelia quickly moved over so that Meredith could get inside. As Meredith walked inside the house and hung up her coat, Amelia shut the door and locked it with a click. Amelia then turned around to face Meredith.

"I thought – I thought that you were in the house...When did you go out?" Amelia repeated her question, visibly bewildered by Meredith's appearance at the doorstep.

"About a couple of hours ago..." Meredith replied briefly, not elaborating on the reasons of her departure from the house. "I thought that you had a late-night surgery?"

"Oh, yeah...Yeah, I did, but then, it got pushed to the morning, so I came home," Amelia rejoined, tinctures of bewilderment still present in her facial features.

"Oh..." Meredith said softly, not knowing what else to say to her sister-in-law. Amelia had become a close confidante over the last few months, yet, for some reason, Meredith had yet to tell Amelia about what Derek had done.

Meredith pondered whether she should tell Amelia about her fight with Derek, when Amelia broke the silence by saying, "I came back to the house and saw that the lights of your and Derek's bedroom were out, so I assumed that both of you had gone to bed and forgotten to lock the door. I didn't know that you were outside, otherwise I wouldn't have locked the door."

Meredith sighed in partial relief on hearing that Amelia had locked the door, not Derek. Even though the fact that Derek had gone to bed without waiting for her unnerved her, she pulled herself together. What else did she expect from him, after the things she had said?

"Is Derek in the house?" Meredith asked as she looked towards the hallway that led to their bedroom.

"Oh, yeah...Well, he should be, given that his keys are here. That was why I assumed that you were in the house too, because, your keys were here..." Amelia finished uncertainly. Meredith could tell that Amelia wanted to ask her why she had been outside so late at night, but she was hesitating to do so.

"Amelia...I, I and Derek...we had a – um – fight," Meredith murmured, her eyes downcast, as if she was ashamed of admitting it to her sister-in-law. Meredith did not have to look up to see that comprehension dawned on Amelia's face; Amelia was well aware of the fact that Meredith and Derek were having issues with their marriage.

"Oh. Meredith, you, you don't have to look down like that, you know. You don't have anything to be ashamed of; all relationships have their share of ups and downs," Amelia assuaged Meredith in a soft voice.

Meredith nodded her head and looked up. "I know. And I am not ashamed of the fact that I had a fight with Derek or that my and Derek's marriage is – not in a good place right now. I am ashamed because...it was me who initiated the fight this time," Meredith finished, her heart feeling heavy with compunction.

Amelia's eyes softened as she came forward and placed a hand on Meredith's shoulder in order to comfort her. "Meredith, you have nothing to be ashamed of. So what you initiated this fight? I'm sure that my idiot brother has picked up a lot of fights with you before. The fact that you realize that you went wrong is what really matters. That way, you can talk to Derek and fix things between him and yourself," Amelia reasoned out, offering solace to her sister-in-law.

Meredith sighed inaudibly. "I don't know if it's fixable. But, I certainly hope it is," she breathed out, voicing her fears to someone for the first time.

"Of course, it is. Meredith, I know you and Derek, and the way you two love each other, nothing is unfixable between you two. Yes, things may not fix themselves over night, or in one day, or in one week, or in one month, but after a certain time, you and Derek will be alright. You two _will_ get through this," Amelia said in a firm, reassuring voice.

Meredith looked up at Amelia and pressed her lips together. "You think?" Meredith asked, sounding impossibly vulnerable and exposed to Amelia, as if Amelia's approval meant everything to her. Amelia realized that Meredith's faith in her and Derek's marriage had been wavered, and that Meredith was seeking some sort of comfort, some sort of reassurance in Amelia's approval.

"I know," Amelia stressed, giving Meredith a small, reassuring smile that offered Meredith the support and solace that she needed at the moment.

Meredith exhaled inaudibly. "Thanks, Amelia. Thank you, for keeping the faith," she said, returning Amelia's smile.

"Hey, don't thank me. I think of you as my sister, and legally, you _are_ my sister, you know, with the whole sister-in-law thing, so...Sisters don't thank each other. Besides, it's not like I actually did something," Amelia rejoined, shrugging her shoulders.

Meredith smiled gratefully at her sister-in-law and then took a deep breath. "I – I better go talk to Derek. We – we have a lot to...um...talk about," Meredith remarked, her feelings of guilt rushing back to her.

Amelia nodded in understanding. "Sure. You go and talk to Derek; I will just go to bed and...I will be in my room if you need me," she said as Meredith glanced towards the hallway again. Amelia paused for a minute, contemplating how to tell Meredith what she wanted to say.

Meredith noticed that despite her words, Amelia had not budged from her position and she had a pensive look on her face. Meredith frowned as she asked, "Amelia, do you want to say something?"

Amelia broke out of her thoughts and looked at Meredith, before saying slowly, "I – um – I think you should know this, and I know this is not the best time to tell you, but...When I was going to my room to change, I passed by Zola's bedroom and peeked inside, only to find Zola awake. I went inside and asked her what was wrong, and she just said that she couldn't sleep. She didn't say anything else, so I warmed up some milk and gave it to her, so that she would be able to sleep. She fell asleep a little later, and I tried to pass the thing off as nothing. But, now that I am hearing from you that you and Derek had a fight, I...I think that it was you guys fighting that was keeping Zola awake. You – you guys yell a lot when you fight, and..." Amelia trailed off, not finishing her sentence.

Meredith felt like she had received a huge blow to her stomach. The implication of Amelia's words sent another overwhelming wave of guilt spiralling through Meredith's body and heart. Her little princess had been unable to sleep because of her and Derek's fighting? Oh God, what had she done?

Amelia noticed the guilty look taking over Meredith's features and she quickly said, "Meredith, I am not saying this to make you feel guilty or make you feel like a bad parent. It's not that, believe me. It's just that...Zola is growing up now; she understands things. To us, we know that it's okay for all couples to have fights and problems. But, Zola, she doesn't know that it's normal for Mommy and Daddy to fight sometimes. She doesn't get it, and you guys, you have been fighting a lot lately, and...you don't want Zola to assume things...I just, maybe, you guys could tone it down a bit, so that Zola and Bailey don't hear you...It's not that you and Derek are bad parents, it's just..." Amelia couldn't say more as she observed the look on Meredith's face.

Meredith inhaled sharply and tried to fight the tears that were building up in her eyes. "Amelia..." she breathed out. "...Thank you, thank you for telling me this...I – I needed to know this, and I – I will take care of it from next time onwards. And thanks, for giving Zola some warm milk; it really does help her to sleep at night. Thanks," Meredith murmured.

"Meredith..."Amelia said gently. "Stop thanking me so much. You are acting like Zola doesn't mean something to me. She is my niece; I have a blood relation with her. So, stop thanking me for taking care of my niece; it's my right. And stop feeling so guilty about it; it's not all your fault. You had no way of knowing," Amelia reasoned, trying to soothe Meredith. She placed a comforting hand on Meredith's arm, and Meredith nodded her head.

Amelia breathed out loudly. "Okay, so, um, I am gonna go to bed now, and leave you to it...Call me if you need me," she said, offering Meredith a supportive smile. She then walked up to the kitchen island and picked up the glass of water, before giving Meredith another smile and heading towards her room.

Meredith stood alone in the middle of the dark living room, and her shoulders slumped in defeat. She had forgotten that her and Derek's current situation was going to have an effect on the kids, especially on Zola. Bailey was still small enough to forget these things, but Zola - she was in that age where she was going to remember these kinds of things. And the last thing that Meredith wanted was her daughter to retain memories of a bad childhood, one marked by yelling matches and ugly fights between her parents. Meredith herself had had a childhood like that, and she remembered how scared she used to be when Ellis and Thatcher would scream angrily at each other. Meredith was determined not to give her daughter a childhood like hers, and yet, yet, things were already spiralling out of hand. Now, it was all the more important for her and Derek to fix things, because she could not let her and Derek's situation have an unhealthy effect on the kids.

Sighing loudly, Meredith made her way towards Zola's bedroom with quiet steps. As she pushed the door open and tip-toed inside, she saw that her baby girl was sleeping peacefully, curled up in the bed. Meredith slowly crouched down beside Zola's bed and softly brushed her fingers against Zola's forehead.

"I am so sorry, ZoZo," Meredith mouthed in the dark, her eyes filling with unshed tears. "Mommy is so sorry that you have to go through all this. But, I promise you, Mommy will make this better soon. She and Daddy will fix things between themselves, and we'll all be okay and happy. Mommy will make sure to fix this honey, Mommy promises," Meredith whispered in the silence of the room, vowing to herself that she was going to do everything in her power to fix her and Derek's marriage. She was not going to let her and Derek's relationship take a toll on her kids. Meredith bent forward and gently dropped a kiss on Zola's head, before tucking the covers tightly around her sleeping daughter and tip-toeing out of the room.

As Meredith closed the door to her daughter's bedroom softly, she steeled herself for what was about to come. She had to go in and talk to Derek now, and no matter how hard things were going to be, she had to do it, for herself, for Derek, for Zola, for their entire family. Meredith inhaled a deep breath as she slowly carried her feet towards her and Derek's bedroom, the door of the room standing ajar.

_You gotta play the cards you got_

_Who knows what fate is holding_

_At times you gotta go_

_Without knowing where you are going_

Pushing the door open, Meredith squinted to discern things in the pitch-black darkness of the room. The door opened with an obnoxious, creaking sound, as if protesting against Meredith's entry in the room. She walked inside the room, her eyes trying to adjust to the darkness. After a few seconds, Meredith could make out Derek's form lying on the bed with the blanket pulled over his body. She struggled to understand whether he was sleeping or not, and after a few minutes, she decided that she would better switch on the lights and find out on her own.

Just as Meredith started walking towards the switchboard, a movement on the bed caught her eyes. She squinted in the dark and she could make out Derek moving in bed ever so slightly and cautiously, as if he was trying to pretend that he was sleeping. Her heart dropped as she realized that Derek was awake, and that he was pretending to be asleep so that she would leave him alone. For a moment, her resolve to talk to him weakened, and she thought that she should better leave him alone when he clearly wanted her to. But, then, she realized that she could not defer this any longer, otherwise, things would go beyond recovery. No matter what, she had to talk to Derek right now, even though he didn't want to talk to her.

Meredith walked over to the other side of the bed in the dark, and mustered all her courage and willpower in order to speak. She could hear Derek's uneven breathing now, which only confirmed that he was fully awake. Suddenly, Meredith found herself being grateful for the darkness in the room; she still did not have the courage to come face-to-face with Derek in bright light.

"De – Derek," Meredith croaked out, surprised at how distorted and raspy her voice sounded. She cleared her throat softly and then continued in a clearer voice, "Derek, I know that you are awake and that you don't want to talk to me. I know that – that you are mad, and hurt, and you don't want to see my face right now. And, honestly, you have every right to be mad; you have every right not to want to talk to me. Because, after the things...after the things that I said to you...I...I wouldn't want to talk to me either. But, but, I...I want to talk to you; I want to say sorry and explain why I behaved the way I did. And, I know that you couldn't be less interested to hear my explanations right now, but...but, I just...I want to tell you that I did have a reason for reacting the way I did. And I know that having a reason does not make my behaviour okay or vindicated, but...I, I want to tell you why. And it's really important for me to tell you why...If you think that you can push aside or subdue your anger for some time, and just...hear me out, then I – I am waiting for you in the living room. I know you are really mad and hurt right now, but I just hope that you give me a...a chance to explain myself. I am waiting for you in the living room; if you think that I at least deserve a chance to say my side of the story, then come. I will be waiting for you." Meredith finished her long-winded monologue softly, tears rushing to her eyes as she saw Derek lying stock-still on the bed, his spine rigid. It was patent that he was not going to come to hear her out, but, still...She had tried, she had tried, and now she would have to wait.

Giving Derek's form one last look, Meredith walked over to the door and stepped outside the room. She inhaled deeply and squeezed her eyes shut as a lone tear made its way down her cheek. Wiping the tear with her sleeve, Meredith steeled herself and made her way back to the living room. She sat down on the couch gently and pressed her palms against her face, her stomach doing anxious flip-flops as she waited for Derek to come.

Seconds turned into minutes, and as the minutes ticked by, Meredith felt surer and surer that she was waiting in vain, that Derek was not going to come. Why would he? After what she had done, after all the things she had said, he had no reason to give her a chance to be heard. She could not exactly blame him; he was right from his standpoint. Of course, he was not going to come and listen to her pathetic excuses; who would?

Meredith remembered Amelia's voice, how sure Amelia had sounded when she had said that nothing was unfixable between Meredith and Derek. Amelia had been wrong, she had been utterly wrong. All things had a certain point, till which they were recoverable, salvageable, but all Meredith could think of was that she and Derek had long ago passed that point of recovery.

The clock ticked by as Meredith's anxiousness transformed into feelings of despair and despondence. She glanced at the clock on the wall; it was roughly 11.30, more than half an hour had passed since she had stepped outside her and Derek's bedroom. Meredith was completely sure that she was waiting in vain, that there was not a single chance that Derek was going to come. But, for some unknown reason, Meredith just couldn't get up from the couch and walk away. For some unknown reason, she sat rooted to the spot, even though she was more than sure that Derek was not coming.

_That's why I keep on lovin' you,_

_I keep on lovin' you_

_Through the baby-don't-leave-mes_

_And never-will-agains_

_And I-promise-tos, I keep on lovin' you_

Just as Meredith was about to break down, she heard the slightest sound of shuffling of feet from behind her. She held her breath as she sat in her spot, stock-still, hoping that it was Derek who was coming over. After a few minutes, the sound ceased and Meredith's newfound hope deflated like an air balloon. She sighed heavily in despair and lowered her face into her hands, trying to push back the tears that had sprang to her eyes on the breakage of the remnants of her hope.

Meredith was so busy drowning in her pool of hopelessness that she failed to notice the person who was approaching her. She kept her face buried in her hands, unaware of the presence of the other person. The person came and stood near the other end of the couch, eyeing Meredith carefully. Seconds passed by and when Meredith showed no signs of being aware of the other person's presence, the person walked over and slowly, sat down on the couch beside Meredith.

Meredith felt the couch shift slightly under the weight of the person, and her eyes sprang open promptly. Lifting her face from her hands, Meredith's eyes turned around at warp speed and alighted on the person who was now occupying the far end of the couch. Her heart began to race as glorious warmth and relief swept over her in waves. He had come – Derek had come.

Meredith could not believe her eyes as she watched Derek stare blankly at the opposite wall. He did not turn his face or his eyes towards her, but the mere fact that he had come were enough to make her grateful to the universe forever. She blinked a few times, trying to ascertain whether she had conjured Derek up with her hopeless imagination. After she was certain that Derek was real and not a figment of her imagination, she attempted to find her voice which seemed to be lost somewhere.

"Derek..." Meredith rasped out, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears. She did not know how to say or what to say; she had planned on saying so many things to him when he was ready to talk, but now, now that he was really there to listen to her, she had no freaking idea about what to say or where to start the conversation.

Derek did not respond to her, nor did he avert his eyes. He kept on staring straight ahead, his face unreadable and deadpan. Meredith knew that he was not going to be the one to break the ice this time; she had to do that on her own. Suddenly, Meredith found herself wishing that there was some kind of guidebook to tell her what to say to Derek. Her head was a jumbled mess of random thoughts, and she had no idea how to turn those jumbled thoughts into coherent language.

Gathering all her courage, Meredith started again. "Derek...Thank you, thank you for coming here and giving me a chance to say what I have to say. Just, thanks for agreeing to hear me out," she murmured softly, eyeing Derek carefully. He kept silent and wore the same bland expression as before, forcing Meredith to wonder whether he had even heard her.

Nevertheless, Meredith continued with what she had planned to say. "I – I know that the fight earlier...I said some things that I never meant to say, and I am so sorry for that. I know that...a simple sorry is not going to erase my bitter words and it's not going to undo all the pain, the hurt and the heartache, but...I really am sorry. I never – never meant half of the things I said to you. I said all that in a moment of sheer rage; I don't know what came over me...I am not trying to deflect responsibility by saying that; I...I fully take the responsibility for saying all those hurtful things, and – and you don't know how much I regret it," Meredith finished and paused a little. Tears had pooled in her eyes and she looked at Derek again, but he continued to remain silent. Meredith sniffled slightly, wishing that Derek would look at her, but he didn't turn his eyes. Obviously, he was still too hurt and angry to look at her.

Meredith squeezed her eyes tightly to push back the tears that had welled up in her eyes. She could not break down now, not before she was done saying what she wanted to say. She had to remain strong and get through this part, no matter how difficult it was for her to lay her feelings out in the open. Derek needed to know what was going on inside her head, and he would never know until she told him. She just needed to put it out there and be done with it.

_Lord knows we've had our share of fights_

_Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs_

_We've had plenty and then some_

_Of baby-I'm-gones and turnarounds_

Derek sat stock-still on the far end of the couch, his face devoid of any emotion. He knew that Meredith was crying, and he wanted to look at her, he wanted to comfort her, but he could not bring himself to actually do it. Meredith's acrimonious words were still ringing in his ears, and he just could not forget them, despite Meredith's apology.

Meredith took a deep breath and tried to think of what to say next. There were so many things that she wanted to say, but she had no idea where to start. Derek had always been the one who had a way with words, not her. Derek always knew what to say to someone and how to say it, so that the words would have the desired impact on the hearer. He always knew all the right things to say at the right moment; he had always been the more eloquent one between the two of them. But, Meredith, she did not know how to say the right and the convincing things to people; she was usually the clumsier, rambling one when it came to words.

However, Meredith decided to continue saying what she felt like saying, even though she was pretty sure that her words were not going to make any sense to Derek.

"I – I know how I behaved, it was wrong...It was completely and totally wrong, and I realized that as soon as I had some time to cool off and think things through. But," Meredith paused and swallowed a little, her throat suddenly feeling parched with anxiety. After a moment of pregnant pause, she continued. "But, I – I really did not have any choice at that moment, you know...I was scared, I...I am still scared, and I just...I could only channel my fear into anger at that moment," Meredith said, her eyes brimming with tears.

Derek still kept silent, and still refused to look at her. Meredith could no longer hold back the tears that had been pricking her eyelids. Tears wet her cheeks as she looked up at Derek once more, before turning her eyes away. God, his silence was killing her. She wished he would say something, anything to her, but he did not. She wished that he would at least scream or yell at her or fight with her; she just could not take his silent treatment anymore. Silence was worse than thousands of screaming matches combined together. His never-ending silence was suffocating her, smothering her, taking the life out of her.

"Derek..." Meredith murmured in a strained voice. "Derek...please, please say something," she murmured, her voice choked tears. Her plea fell on deaf ears as Derek did not even make a movement.

Sighing, Meredith shifted her eyes downwards and choked back the tears so that she could continue speaking. She had known that it would take more than a sorry to apologize to Derek, but she had never expected this kind of silent treatment from him. Obviously, he had been hurt so profoundly by her words that he could not bring himself to say anything to her.

"I am...am scared and insecure, because, because I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose you, Derek, because I want you in my life, because I love you, and...the thought of losing you, it's – it's enough to scare me to death," Meredith rasped out as more tears made their way down her cheeks. She had not planned to cry like this while talking to Derek, but she had so much remorse and fear lodged in her heart that it was enough to make her cry. Voicing her fears and her doubts to Derek was not an easy thing for her, given that she had never told other people about what she felt. She had always been the kind who bottled up their feelings and kept their emotions to themselves. She was baring her soul, her heart, her feelings to someone for the first time, and it was proving to be hellishly difficult.

Meredith trained her eyes on an invisible spot on the coffee table as the tears ran past her cheeks. She sniffled slightly, not noticing the sideways glance that Derek shot her. The duo continued to sit in silence as Meredith let her tears flow freely.

Derek's eyes softened as he eyed Meredith with the help of his peripheral vision. She was crying, she was crying and that was enough to make him want to hold her and take her in his arms. His bruised ego and his wounded heart had been stopping him from comforting Meredith, but now, he pushed his ego aside and shifted slightly on the couch, moving closer to the spot where Meredith sat. He was still angry at her for their earlier fight, and he was still as hurt, but he could not undervalue her current actions. She was finally talking to him, really talking about her feelings and her emotions; that was all he had wanted from the very beginning. And he would be an ass if he kept giving her the cold shoulder when she was finally communicating her feelings to him. His ego and his hurt could come later; he had to support Meredith while she was finally talking to him instead of running and avoiding.

Derek shifted slightly closer to Meredith and turned his eyes to look at her directly. After a moment of hesitation and indecisiveness, he raised his hand and placed it gently on her back in an attempt to comfort her.

Derek's sudden touch startled Meredith and she tensed slightly under his feather-like touch, feeling as if she had received an electric shock. Her skin burnt where his hand now rested, and she looked up at him in surprise. Her green eyes locked with his piercing blue ones, and she was taken aback on seeing a soft, caring look in his fathomless blue pools. How did Derek manage to care for even when she had hurt him so much? How did he manage to push his own pain and heartache aside in order to comfort her? How did he find it in itself to look at her and to touch her when she had said so many acerbic, hateful words to him only a few hours ago?

Meredith averted her eyes from his and broke their gaze. She was still too ashamed to look him in the eyes. Her heart burdened with even more guilt and remorse as she felt Derek's eyes on her. Yes, she had wanted him to look at her, but now that he was looking at her, she felt so guilty that she wished that he would go back to not looking at her.

Meredith swallowed a little and then found her voice in order to speak. With Derek's comforting hand on her back now, she did not know whether it had become easier or more difficult for her to talk. Regardless, she started speaking again in a gravelly voice, her eyes not meeting Derek's.

"I know, I know that you will not cheat on me, in my heart or deep inside or something like that. But, but, I am not able to trust you fully, because I am still scared that if I trust you, you will...break my trust again. I don't want to distrust you like this, I do want to be able to trust you, but...I – I can't. I am trying, but, I just can't...Not – not yet, I think," Meredith sputtered, her eyes downcast as fresh tears formed in her eyes.

Derek did not respond to her, and for what seemed to be a very long time, the couple sat in deafening silence. Derek's hand still rested on Meredith's back as both of them became lost in their own thoughts for a while.

"Do you – do you think that you can't trust me, ever?" Derek's soft voice broke Meredith out of her reverie and her head shot up immediately. Her eyes met Derek's, and she could see the pain and the fear in his eyes too. Fear of losing her, just as her eyes were filled with the fear of losing him. Their fears were the same; both of them did not want to lose each other.

"No...no, that's not...I just think that...I need some more time in order to trust you again...I mean, it's still too raw and real, and...I think with time, I – I will be able to trust you again," Meredith said, trying to convince her own self too.

Derek nodded his head in understanding. "Meredith..." his soft voice vibrated throughout the room. "I am willing to give you as much time as you need. I am – I am not going to dictate a timeframe to you, nor am I going to ask you to give me a timeframe. I want you to take your time...Take as long as you need to get over this...It's just that...I am scared too...What if you can't bring yourself to trust me, ever?" Derek said, voicing the fear that had taken residence in the back of Meredith's mind too. His question had crossed Meredith's mind many a times – what if, even with time, she was not able to trust Derek? What if, even after trying, her trust in Derek could not be restored? What then? What would happen to them if that were to be the case? What would their love's fate be? The same questions haunted both Meredith and Derek as a pregnant silence descended over them.

_Sometimes I swear it might be easier_

_To throw in the towel_

_Someday we're gonna look back_

_And say look at us now_

"Derek...Please, please don't say that. I am – I am trying, and I think that with time, I will be able to...I don't want to think about what if I can't," Meredith murmured, choking back her tears.

"But, Meredith, I...we have to think about it...We have to decide beforehand what we have to do if you are unable to..." Derek could not bring himself to finish the whole sentence either.

Meredith remained silent for a minute, mulling his words over. After a while, she breathed out and said, "Counselling...We'll try counselling if we can't...But, not now...Not till we have given it a try...Counselling will be our last resort, if we are unable to fix our marriage on our own..." she trailed off, the thought of going to therapy filling her mind with ominous thoughts. She did not want to go to therapy; therapy meant that it was already over; therapy meant the last intake of air before going underwater forever.

"Okay..." Derek said, his own mind drifting off to ominous, brooding thoughts. Another spell of silence fell over them as Meredith tried to find the words in her head again. There was still so much left to be said, but she could not assemble all her thoughts in her head.

"You – you remember how I said that I needed some time and some space to – in order to forgive you? I think...I mean, I don't think..." Meredith tried to find the apposite words to convey her feelings clearly.

"You don't think that you are quite there yet?" Derek finished for her, scotching her internal struggle.

Meredith nodded her head silently. "I don't want to be like this...I – I want to forgive you and trust you, but I haven't been able to...to forgive you...just yet," she mumbled out, feeling guilty that she needed so much time in order to trust her own husband.

Derek sighed and started rubbing slow circles on her back with his hand, attempting to comfort her. "Meredith...You – you don't have to feel guilty for needing more time. I told you, I am willing to give you all the time you need. This – this is not your fault. This is all my fault, so I should be the one feeling guilty. I put us in this situation; it's because of my actions that you can't trust me. You have no reason to feel guilty," he murmured, continuing the motion of his hand on her back.

This time, Meredith was the one who remained silent. What could she possibly say to that? She could not deny the fact that it was because of him that she couldn't trust him, but she also could not forget that she had some fault in it too.

"It – it doesn't matter whose fault it is, Derek. It always takes two to tango...and, and what we should be concerned about right now is getting through this, not blaming ourselves for our current situation," she finally replied, lifting her head to look at him.

Derek nodded his head in agreement and gave her a sad smile. He exhaled inaudibly and murmured, "I shouldn't have said that I wanted to go to D.C., it...I should have known that your wounds would be too fresh to..."

Meredith shook her head and said, "Derek, just because I am not okay with it doesn't mean...You want to go, and if you look at it that way, you should. Because, it would be impossibly rude if you don't go and resign officially...After all, it's the White House..."

"Meredith...I don't want to go...It's not because of you...Now that I know how scared and insecure you are, I don't want to go there myself. I don't care what the President thinks about me; you are my wife, I only care about you."

Meredith looked deep in his eyes, taken aback by the sincerity of his words. See, he always knew all the right words to say. He always knew how to convey his feelings clearly, and yet, Meredith knew that she had to stick with her resolve. If she ever wanted to trust Derek again, she had to stick with her earlier decision, no matter how perfect Derek's words sounded.

_That's why I keep on lovin' you,_

_I keep on lovin' you_

_Through the baby-don't-leave-mes_

_And never-will-agains_

_And I-promise-tos_

"No, Derek...You have to go to D.C., because of me," Meredith said firmly, her resolve unwavering.

Derek furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He was utterly bewildered by Meredith's cryptic words and said, "What? What are you talking about?"

Meredith swallowed deeply before saying, "I mean that...I am still too scared that if you go to D.C., you will not...You will give in to the temptation that you controlled last time, and you will cheat...D.C., that's where that woman is," Meredith said, as she could not bring herself to say the other woman's name. "And ...and I am scared to let you go back to the place where that woman is, even if it is for one day...I am scared that you are going to go there and realize that she is who you want, not me...And that you will leave me, and our family for her..." Meredith paused a little, as she voiced her innermost fears that she had not shared with anyone till now.

Derek immediately shook his head and said, "Meredith, it is not her I want, I have already told you that...I want you, I love you and I am not leaving you for anyone or anything in the world."

Meredith breathed out. "I know that, Derek. Deep inside, I know that. But, but, I can't...I can't believe you...I just can't...I don't doubt the sincerity and veracity of your words, but...all your words sound empty and hollow to me at this point...All I can remember is that the last time you went to D.C., you kissed another woman, and then...then, I had to open the door in the middle of the night to your guilt-stricken face..."

"But, Meredith, I came back to you, I came back to you because I love you –"

Meredith cut Derek's sentence short. "Derek, I told you, deep inside, I know that...But, there is a part of me to which, those words sound meaningless. That part of me thinks...thinks that," Meredith hesitated a little, scared to admit her true feelings out loud, but she continued to say, "It thinks that you came back to me out of guilt and obligation...and because of your conscience. It thinks that your moral principles made you feel guilty for what you had done, and your guilt and your superego propelled you to come back to me...And I know that this is a completely baseless and wrong notion, but...this is what I think and I – I can't help it..."

Derek's eyes filled with tears as he heard that, and he could not help the pain that shot through his chest upon hearing Meredith admit her feelings. Hearing Meredith's words made him actually understand the extent of Meredith's distrust in him, and he could not help the dull ache that took up residence in his heart.

Meredith's cheeks got wet with tears too, when she saw how much her words had hurt Derek. She had known all along that voicing her true emotions would hurt Derek to the utmost, and that is why she had repressed her feelings for so long. Truth was never easy to hear, and she knew that. And seeing Derek like this now, so pained and hurt, made her feel guilty for talking about her innermost fears and insecurities with him. But, she knew that it had to be done, no matter how much it hurt him and no matter how much it hurt her to hurt him. She loved him, and this was the only way to salvage their marriage.

_I keep on lovin' you, keep on lovin' you_

_Through the I-take-it-backs_

_I-didn't-mean-it-like-thats_

_I'd-never-hurt-yous, oh,_

_I keep on lovin' you_

"That is why I need you to go to D.C., Derek," Meredith spoke again. "To prove me wrong, to prove my baseless fears and insecurities wrong. I need you to go to D.C. and disprove my belief about you cheating...I need you to go to D.C. and come back to me, and show me that you are not going to commit the same mistake twice, and that you came back to me because you wanted to, not because of your conscience or guilt or moral sense of obligation towards me...I need you to go to D.C. and not let anything happen between you and your resident...I need you to do this for me, for us," Meredith said, her voice pleading. She had thought a lot about it while sitting in her car, and this seemed to be the only way by which she could let go of her unjustified fears. She did not know if it was a sure-fire way, but she would never know until she tried it out.

Derek kept looking downwards as he processed Meredith's words. He could not say he fully understood her logic and her reasoning, but he did get bits and parts of it. She was scared that he would cheat if he went to D.C. and he needed to go to D.C. and not cheat so that she could dispense with her fears and mistrust. He needed to prove her wrong in order to regain her trust, but he could tell from her voice that she was not very sure about it.

After a few long minutes of silence, Derek finally breathed out and rasped, "But, Meredith, what if...it doesn't work?"

Meredith inhaled sharply and murmured, "We'll never find out till we try. Derek, do you...do you trust yourself not to cheat when...when you are around Renee again?" The bile rose in Meredith's throat when she took the name.

Derek looked up at her and without a moment's hesitation, he said, "Yes, Meredith. I do, I do trust myself not to cheat when I am around her again. That is not the reason I came back, not because I thought that I would not be able to control myself if I stayed there. I came back because I realized that you are the love of my life and the most important person to me in the whole world, and that I don't want anything other than what I have with you. I am not going to cheat on you or repeat my earlier mistake, even though I am going to be around her."

A single tear made its way out of Meredith's eyes and down her cheek. "If you trust yourself, then show me and I will be able to trust you too...I think. Please, Derek, I need you to give this a try...I don't want to be suspicious of you anymore and I think this is the only way..." she trailed off, wondering whether the logic in her head made any sense to Derek.

Derek didn't respond to her, he only kept quiet as he looked in her eyes. Even though he was looking at her, Meredith knew that his mind was somewhere else as he ruminated his decision. Meredith did not break the silence as she became lost in her own thoughts too, and time ceased to exist for both of them at that moment.

Finally, after what seemed like a long, interminable time, Derek spoke softly, so softly that it was barely a whisper. "Okay, okay...If that is what it takes to regain your trust, I will do it...I will go to D.C., Meredith, for you, for us, for our marriage," Derek breathed out.

Meredith's heart clenched on hearing that and her fears immediately came rushing back to her, but she knew she had to do this. It would kill her to have Derek go to D.C. again, even if it was only for one or two days, but she could not let her resolve waver at the last minute.

"Thank you, Derek, thank you," she said and Derek pulled her into his arms in a tight embrace. Meredith wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the pang in her heart that she felt at the prospect of Derek going to D.C. She reminded herself that this pang was the exact reason why Derek needed to go to D.C. in the first place.

"I am so – so sorry, Meredith... For everything I said earlier, I – I didn't mean them," Derek whispered into her hair, tears slipping past his eyes.

Meredith shook her head and whispered back, "Me...me too. I didn't mean them either...I just...I was just so scared, Derek, that I would lose you...I am...I am still so scared."

"I know, I know. But, hopefully, this will be over soon...You will get rid of your fears...soon, Mer...We'll be okay, we will get through this," Derek said firmly and with conviction.

"We'll get through this," Meredith echoed softly, not knowing whether she actually believed those words at the moment, but she said them nonetheless. Even though she did not believe those words at that moment, Derek did, and Derek could believe for both of them, for the time being.

The duo remained in the embrace for the longest time before Derek finally whispered, "I love you."

Meredith took in a deep, steadying breath as she attempted to control her racing heart and her erratic breathing. "I – I love you too," she choked through the tears, not breaking out of Derek's loving and protective embrace that offered her the strength she needed to get through this.

_I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you_

_Through the I-take-it-backs_

_I didn't-mean-it-like-thats_

_I'd-never-hurt-yous, oh,_

_I keep on lovin' you_

_I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you..._

* * *

**A/N: Finally got you all off the cliff! And yes, Meredith finally bared all her feelings to Derek, even though it was extremely challenging for her. I hope I did justice to all the characters and the storyline in this chapter, as this chapter was a pivotal one. Next chapter, Derek is going to D.C. and we will get to see who is right - Meredith's fears or Derek's faith in his and Meredith's love.**

**Let me know what you guys think. I really appreciate all your thoughts, so I hope you take a moment to leave me a line on this chapter :)**

**Song Lyrics from "I Keep On Lovin' You" by Reba McEntire**


	10. When You're Gone

**A/N: Thanks so much for all the reviews to last chapter! I can't describe how happy I was after the response to the last chapter...I saw that many of you were concerned about Derek dying or Derek cheating. Welp, I think this update will speak for itself.**

* * *

_**When You're Gone**_

_I always needed time on my own_

_I never thought I'd_

_Need you there when I cry_

_And the days feel like years when I'm alone_

_And the bed where you lie_

_Is made up on your side_

Meredith tried her best to focus on the abdomen of the man that lay open on the surgery table. Her head was full, and no matter how hard she tried, she could not shuck the galloping thoughts from her head. She was operating on a rare islet cell tumour; it could very well be called a once-in-a-lifetime surgery and yet, Meredith was having trouble in preventing her mind from straying around. For the first time in her life, Meredith Grey could not find peace of mind inside the OR and all of it was her husband, Derek's fault.

Meredith closed her eyes for a split second to inhale a deep breath before opening her eyes and carrying on with her work. However, this action of Meredith did not go unnoticed by Jo Wilson, the resident who was assisting Meredith in the surgery.

"Dr. Grey, are you okay?" Jo asked solicitously, having noticed the attending's distracted behaviour all morning.

Meredith's eyes snapped up to look into Jo Wilson's concerned dark brown ones. Meredith narrowed her eyes and replied testily, "Of course, I'm okay. I'm peachy. Why did you ask, Wilson? Do I look not okay to you?"

Jo was visibly stupefied by Meredith's less than friendly rejoinder. She stammered back, "No – it's not – I just – I thought that –"

Meredith cut Jo's sentence short. "Don't think so much, Wilson. If you stop using your head and start using your hands, I'll appreciate it. Now, use your hands and suction," Meredith snapped back.

Meredith's retort shut Jo up effectively and Jo cast her eyes downwards in silence. Meredith noticed the crestfallen look on the younger surgeon's face and immediately felt guilty for snapping at Jo for no reason at all. Meredith had not wanted to snap at Jo, but what could she have done? Meredith's foul mood that had been looming over her since the beginning of the day, was making her live up to her nickname of Medusa. And what, or rather who was the reason of Meredith's foul mood? Derek.

Meredith sighed inaudibly as she continued with the tumour removal, random thoughts still circling her head like hawks. It had been two whole days since she had had the talk with Derek, and after a lot of humming and hawing, Derek had finally left for D.C. that morning. And Derek leaving for D.C. earlier that morning was the source of all of Meredith's testiness and foul mood.

Meredith knew that she was the one who had decided that Derek needed to go to D.C. one last time in order for them to get some kind of closure on the whole chapter, but Meredith had never envisioned how difficult it was going to be for her when Derek would actually be gone. It had hardly been a couple of hours since Derek had left for D.C., and Meredith was already trepidatious and going crazy by the minute.

Meredith hated the fact that she was full of so much trepidation and insecurity only a few hours after Derek's departure, but she had no control over her mind. Her mind was already concocting various ominous scenarios, all of which included Derek not coming back from D.C. She had thought that maybe being inside the OR and cutting up someone's body would help her feel calmer, because whenever she was inside the OR, things kind of quietened down inside her otherwise messy head. But that day, none of her tricks were working; even surgery could not help her to get rid of her overwhelming worries.

"Retract the tissue, Wilson," Meredith ordered softly as she clamped the artery bypassing the area. As Meredith continued with the removal of the tumour, her mind strayed back involuntarily to the events of that morning.

_Flashback to a few hours earlier –_

_Meredith leaned against the doorjamb as she watched Derek stand in front of the mirror and tie his necktie. Her green eyes met Derek's in the reflection in the mirror, and Derek turned around, his hands finishing up with the job of tying the tie. He then walked towards his wife and came to a halt in front of her._

"_Meredith," Derek whispered, noticing the worries darkening Meredith's face, and he placed his palm against her cheek gently."I don't have to go, you know. Just say the word and I'll cancel the flight in a minute. If me going to D.C. worries you so much, then it's not worth it," Derek murmured, stroking her cheek gently with his knuckles._

_Meredith leaned into her husband's familiar and oddly comforting touch and closed her eyes for a moment, savouring the feeling. She could not remember the last time Derek had stroked her cheek so lovingly, but she was sure that it had been a long time ago. Probably before he had received the first call from the White House, or maybe, before he had wanted to move to D.C. permanently. That had been so many months ago, and Meredith could not believe that she had not felt Derek's palm on her cheek in aeons. This was something that they had a habit of doing; this was something that used to happen almost every day, then what had gone wrong? How did they fall out of the habit? How did they lose all these little things in the span of only a few months?_

_Tears pricked Meredith's eyelids at the very thought, and she opened her eyes to gaze into the two pools of midnight blue that were staring back at her with concern and gentleness and – love. "Derek...We have talked about this a million times. This is something that...that you need to do in order for me to trust you again. This is something that needs to be done if we want our marriage back. And I wish there was another option, because this is a lot harder for me than it is for you, but...But, sadly, there isn't one," Meredith said softly, averting her eyes from Derek's face. She could not keep looking at Derek's face, because the more she looked at him, the more she felt like this was the last time she was seeing him. Meredith knew that her trepidation was baseless and nonsensical, but she could not help but think that Derek would not come back to her this time. She could not help but fear that this time, Derek was going to realize that he did not need her in his life and that he wanted a new life with someone new in D.C._

_Derek let out a defeated sigh, knowing that there was nothing he could do to change Meredith's mind. And, if him going to D.C. could really help restore a jot of Meredith's trust in him, then he was willing to do it. Seeing Meredith so worried and vulnerable was not the best feeling in the world, but if that helped them to get their marriage back on track, then he would have to go with it._

"_Okay, then...My flight is at 8:30 a.m., so I guess I need to get going in order to make it in time," he said in a soft tone, his reluctance to leave Meredith alone seeping into his voice. Meredith nodded her head silently, her eyes trained on an invisible spot on Derek's shirt in an effort to avoid looking in his eyes. Breathing out loudly, she raised her hands and smoothed her fingers against his tie, pretending to fix the impeccable knot._

"_Meredith..." Derek whispered, noticing the way her eyes avoided looking up at him. "Meredith, look at me," he commanded gently, knowing full well that she was all but falling apart at the seams inside._

_Meredith kept her eyes fixed on Derek's tie, refusing to look up at him, for she feared that if she looked up at him, she would not be able to let him walk away from her._

"_Mer..." Derek murmured, tipping up her chin with his index finger and forcing her to meet his eyes. As Meredith's green eyes clashed with his cerulean ones, he noticed the faint sheen of tears covering Meredith's grey-green irises._

_Meredith gulped and stared into his eyes for a minute, before throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him, taking him by surprise. Derek wrapped his arms around her waist, taken aback by her sudden embrace. _

_Meredith inhaled sharply as she buried her face in his shoulders, breathing in his scent one last time. She mentally chided herself for being so spineless; Derek was only going away for a day, not forever. And yet, Meredith's inner insecurities nagged her in the back of her mind, telling her constantly that this might be the last time she was getting the chance to embrace her husband._

"_C – Come back to me. Just, come back home, to me," Meredith murmured into his shoulder, relishing the feeling of being in his arms._

_Derek pressed his lips softly in her hair. "Of course, Mer. No matter where I go, no matter which part of the world I go to, I am always gonna come back home, to you," Derek stressed, trying to reassure her in the moment of departure._

_Meredith nodded her head once more and then pulled back from him, smoothing her fingers against his shirt one last time. Neither of them said it aloud, but both of them knew that the time had come. Derek walked over to the bed to shrug on his jacket and Meredith gathered all his files and shoved them into his bag in the proper order. She held out the bag to him and he smiled, taking the bag from her and leaning forward to drop a chaste kiss on the crown of her head. Meredith wrapped her arms around herself and walked over to the front door to bid him goodbye._

"_Call me when you land," Meredith murmured, her eyes watching his every move as he made his way to the door and opened it._

"_I will," Derek replied, looking back at her one final time as he held the door open and the cold air rushed in from outside. There was a moment of long, pregnant silence stretching between them as they looked at each other. _

_Finally, Meredith broke the silence by saying, "You should get going. You will be late." She was surprised by how raspy her voice sounded._

_Derek breathed out inaudibly and giving her a last lingering look, he turned around and walked out of the house._

_Meredith hugged herself tighter as she leaned against the door and watched him walk away towards his car. She trained her eyes on his legs, counting the steps that he was taking until he got inside his car and whisked it away, vanishing from her line of sight._

_When you walk away_

_I count the steps that you take_

_Do you see how much I need you right now?_

_When you're gone_

_The pieces of my heart are missin' you_

_When you're gone_

_The face I came to know is missin' too_

_When you're gone_

_The words I need to hear_

_To always get me through the day_

_And make it okay_

_I miss you_

Meredith took a deep breath as she closed the forceps around the artery, preparing to take the tumour out. With delicate ease and impeccable skill, she excised the affected tissue and the surrounding healthy tissue successfully from the pancreas. Having removed the abnormal tissue successfully, Meredith looked up at Jo and then said, "Wilson, would you like to close after I finish here?"

Jo's eyes widened upon hearing Meredith's words. "Um – yeah, sure, Dr. Grey," Jo rejoined enthusiastically as her dark brown eyes remained suffused with surprise at the turnaround in Meredith's demeanour.

Meredith nodded her head and then turned her eyes back to the man's abdomen. "Cathy, what time is it?" Meredith asked one of the nurses.

"1:55 p.m., Dr. Grey," the nurse replied.

Meredith immediately looked up from her work, the thought crossing her mind that Derek must have landed in D.C. by then. She looked towards the nurse, Cathy and asked, "Cathy, would you mind checking my phone? It's on silent mode, so will you please check if I have any missed calls or new text messages?" Derek had said that he would call when he landed in D.C., and Meredith did not want to miss Derek's call.

Meredith tried to concentrate on her work as Cathy checked her phone for her. After a few minutes of never-ending wait for Meredith, Cathy finally said, "No, Dr. Grey. There are no new text messages or missed calls."

Meredith's heart deflated faster than an air balloon on hearing Cathy's reply. No missed calls or text messages? But, but, Derek had said that he would call when he arrived in D.C. It took about five hours to travel from Seattle to D.C., and those five hours were already over. Then, why had Derek not called her? Meredith's head presently buzzed with unanswered, brooding questions and thoughts; thoughts about why Derek had not called her. Was Derek – no, that could not be – was Derek with someone? Was that why he had not called her? Because he was preoccupied with...Meredith's thoughts trailed off into dangerous, darkly menacing territories.

Meredith's heart dropped into her stomach at the thought crossing her mind. No, she could not think like that; she had to get a grip on herself. Maybe, maybe, Derek's flight was late. Yeah, that could be the case; Derek's flight was late and so, he was still on the flight and he had not called her. She could not distrust Derek like this; he would never do that to her. He would never lie to her like that; she could not forget the sincerity and the love that she had seen in his eyes when he had left the house in the morning. She could never doubt the veracity of his love and his commitment like that. Besides, it had barely been five hours since Derek's departure; it was highly possible that he had just landed and was preparing to call her. Yes, it was either of the two cases; Derek – he would never betray her again.

Meredith tried her level best to convince herself, but the incessant internal struggle continued inside her head. She aspirated deeply to dispose of all the unpleasant thoughts from her head, but she failed abysmally. Soon enough, Meredith's stomach was in knots and she felt the bile rise in her throat, making her want to throw up. She swallowed back deeply and looked up at Jo, her head feeling light-headed.

"Wilson, I'm finished with the critical part. Can you come and take over from here?" Meredith asked, her voice holding a silent plea in it. She needed to get out of the OR as soon as possible; she felt suffocated inside the jam-packed room and could hardly breathe.

Jo looked up at Meredith and gave her a concerned look. "Sure, Dr. Grey," Jo replied and moved over to the other side of the table to take the instruments from Meredith's hands.

Handing over the instruments to Jo, Meredith asked for the sake of asking, "You sure that you can manage it from here?" In reality, Meredith wished, no, she needed Jo to be able to manage the rest of the procedure on her own.

"Yes, Dr. Grey, I am sure," Jo rejoined confidently, eyeing the attending carefully.

"Oh – okay, that's great. I will scrub out then," Meredith said and all but bolted out of the room, leaving a bewildered Jo in her wake.

Meredith barrelled into the scrub room and quickly discarded her surgical gown and gloves. She pulled off the surgical mask covering her face and bent over the sink, taking in mouthfuls of air to calm herself down. She gripped the sink with her hands and was surprised to see that they were trembling slightly. Meredith closed her eyes as she leaned over the sink, her breath coming in short, harsh pants. Her whole chest burned from inside, as if it had been set on fire; her legs trembled as they struggled to balance her body weight.

Meredith tried to regain her composure with all her might, but her body revolted and her quivering legs gave out. She collapsed on the floor, her whole body trembling and her lungs imploding inside her ribcage. Meredith gave up on her attempts of trying to regain her composure, and sat slumped against the wall beside the sink, struggling to breathe. The burning sensation in her chest intensified, and her vision started to become blurry. Meredith clutched the part of her scrub top covering her chest and blinked rapidly in a feeble attempt to clear her blurring vision. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a subconscious thought about panic attacks passed, but Meredith's chest was burning so fiercely that she became unaware of everything but the burning sensation. It was like time and matter, everything ceased to exist at the moment, everything except Meredith and that burning sensation rooted deep in the very fibre of her being.

Meredith leaned her head against the wall, gasping for breath as she continued to clutch her scrub top with all her might. The ceiling of the room spun in and out of her vision constantly, and her throat started to close up from the inside. The burning sensation that had been restricted to only a part of her chest, now spread out to her entire chest and came up to her throat. Meredith's chest heaved as she gave in to the cataclysmic sensation overmastering her entire body, and the world started spinning out of her view. Slumping against the wall, Meredith's body trembled like a leaf as she closed her eyes and the cataclysm ripped through her body, leaving her a tremulous, gasping and panting mess.

Minutes ticked by and the burning sensation slowly ebbed away, leaving Meredith short of breath. She opened her mouth to allow large intakes of air, her trembling hands finally letting go of the material of her scrub top. Her breaths gradually evened out, and she waited for the aftershocks of the panic attack to pass. Breathe and wait, breathe and wait, breathe and wait – she followed the same pattern as her heart regained its normal rhythm. A remnant of the earlier burning sensation remained lodged in a small part of her chest, terribly weakened by then. Meredith finally opened her eyes and the ceiling of the room swam back into view, and she let out a relieved sigh.

Much more conscious now, Meredith realized that she had to get up from her current position before someone found her. She could not risk other people see her breaking apart, and so, gathering her remnant strength, Meredith placed one quivering hand on the floor and endeavoured to get up. She failed and slumped back against the wall, letting out a frustrated, unsteady breath. She waited a few seconds and then tried again with all her might, but she only managed to raise herself up an inch before falling back to her position. Meredith groaned in frustration and exasperation, but the groan came out more like a strangled, guttural noise.

Meredith rested her head against the wall, staring up at the ceiling for a few minutes and waiting for her strength to come back. As a few more minutes passed by, Meredith made her third attempt to get up from her position beside the sink. This time, she succeeded in raising her body to a standing posture, having regained some of her earlier strength. Shaking, Meredith gripped the sink with her hand for support and grabbed the sponge with the trembling fingers of her other hand.

Inhaling an unsteady breath, Meredith let go of her support slowly and started scrubbing out. She needed to get to an on-call room pronto in order to gather herself before someone saw her. With that resolve in mind, Meredith held her hands under the warm, gushing flow of water, letting it wash away all the dirt from her hands.

Suddenly, an outré, random thought came to Meredith's mind out of nowhere. It was in this scrub room that Derek had kissed her when she had been an intern. Meredith still remembered vividly how she and Derek had been elated that day after they had finished a complicated procedure successfully, and in all the excitement and elation, Derek had kissed her. It had been a soft, sweet, lingering kiss that had made Meredith's toes curl in her shoes and had made her want more.

But, that had been ages ago, why was she remembering it now? It seemed to her that all of those past, pleasant memories were of another lifetime, and she was living in an entirely different lifetime right now. Meredith let out a soft sigh as the memory faded away as suddenly as it had appeared, and she grabbed one of the paper towels to dry her slightly trembling hands.

_I've never felt this way before_

_Everything that I do_

_Reminds me of you_

_And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor_

_And they smell just like you_

_I love the things that you do_

Carrying her trembling legs forward, Meredith made her way out of the scrub room and over to the nearest empty on-call room. Entering the dark room and pushing the door shut, she leant against the closed door and finally took the time to mull over what had just happened. Now that the storm had passed, Meredith could barely believe that she had just had a panic attack in the scrub room. She had all but passed out in the scrub room only a few minutes ago, but the whole experience already felt so surreal to her. It had been ages since she had had a panic attack, and Meredith could barely recollect that experience. Then, why did she have a panic attack today, all of a sudden and apparently, for no reason at all?

Meredith pushed herself off the door and walked over to the empty bed and slowly lowered herself onto the mattress, taking a deep breath as she sat down. She would be lying to herself if she said that she had no idea why she had the panic attack; she might not know the whole reason, but she did know part of it. The thought of Derek with another woman, the very thought of Derek cheating on her had made her spiral into an awful panic attack, and Meredith could not deny that fact.

Meredith tried not to think of Derek with another woman again lest she experience another panic attack coming her way. But, the more she tried not to think about it, the more her mind wandered in that territory. Ghastly images of Derek with an imaginary woman made their way through her mind at warp speed, and Meredith felt the bile rise in her throat once more. However, this time, she could not swallow back and so, she made a dash to the bathroom in order to throw up.

Meredith bent over the toilet and dry-heaved a few times, before spilling the little contents of her stomach into the toilet. She panted as she leant back slightly to gather herself, before she felt the urge to vomit once more. She threw up again, this time, nothing coming up from her empty stomach but clear liquid and Meredith sat down on the cold floor in defeat.

After a few minutes had passed, Meredith finally pushed herself off the floor and walked over to the basin to splash some cold water on her face. She felt strangely light-headed at the moment, and the room seemed to spin around her. Splashing the water on her face, Meredith closed her eyes and willed the room to stop spinning. She splashed water on her face again and turned off the faucet, letting the water droplets cling to her skin.

Closing the door of the bathroom, Meredith came and lay down on the bed and closed her eyes, hoping that she would feel slightly better. This time, Meredith really had no idea why she was feeling so queasy, but she certainly hoped that it was a momentary thing and it would pass. Because, Meredith did not want to fall sick when Derek was away; the mere implication that Derek's absence had been enough to make her ill, was something that Meredith did not want to encounter. The last thing she wanted was for Derek to think that she was a pathetic, needy, clingy, spineless woman who needed her husband with her at all times.

_When you walk away_

_I count the steps that you take_

_Do you see how much I need you right now?_

As Meredith was lying, the door of the on-call room parted slightly, letting the light from outside illumine the dark room. The sudden light startled Meredith out of her somnolent state, and she opened her eyes slowly to see that someone was standing in the doorway. She blinked a few times to let her eyes adjust to the sudden light and tried to discern the person who was entering the room.

After a few seconds, Meredith could make out the form of Jo Wilson standing in the doorway, wearing a dubious expression on her face.

"Wilson?" Meredith asked as she raised herself from her lying position to a sitting posture.

Jo bit her lip and remained silent for a moment. After a few seconds, Jo spoke. "Sorry, Dr. Grey. I did not mean to disturb you; it's just that you left your phone in the OR. I just came to give it back to you and to tell you that the surgery finished smoothly. Mr. Thompson is in post-op now."

Meredith's eyes filled with comprehension as Jo walked inside the room and timidly handed Meredith her phone. Meredith could see that the younger surgeon was concerned, but did not have the guts to ask her again.

"Jo, I'm okay. A little tired, that's why I was having a lie-down. And," Meredith paused, then continued, "Sorry for snapping at you earlier in the OR. I'm just...having a bad day, I guess."

Jo's eyes suffused with sympathy as she said, "It's okay, Dr. Grey. I didn't mind. We all have bad days...I hope you feel better soon...Um, I will let you rest, then."

Meredith nodded her head as Jo walked back to the door and exited the room. Meredith sighed softly before lying down on the bed once more and closing her eyes. But, her phone had already triggered thoughts of Derek again, and even as Meredith tried to go back to sleep, she failed to do so. Thoughts of Derek with another woman kept haunting her, plaguing her, nauseating her.

As Meredith rolled onto her side, her phone suddenly beeped, the shrill tone of the phone piercing the silence of the room. Meredith thanked the universe for providing her with a distraction from her ominous thoughts and raised herself up on an elbow to reach for phone.

The bright light of the cell phone's screen was the only source of light in the otherwise dark room, and it cast a ghostly shadow on Meredith's face as she looked at it. She saw that she had just received a text message, and she decided to leave it unread for the time being. Plopping down on the bed, she tried to go back to sleep again, but her thoughts kept on haunting her to no end.

Finally, giving up on the idea of sleep, Meredith grabbed her phone from its position beside the pillow and swiped her finger across the screen to unlock it and check the message she had received. She casually tapped the message open, but the minute she saw who it was from, her eyes popped out of their sockets and she bolted to sit in an upright position. The message was from no one else but Derek – Derek, who was the source of all the haunting thoughts crowding her mind.

"_Meredith, I just landed at the airport. The flight was an hour late. I hope you are okay. I miss you; every moment that we are apart, you are in my thoughts. Love you and take care. –D"_

Meredith read the message over and over again, feeling a wave of warm, joyous relief sweeping over her body. Suddenly, all her earlier worries, qualms and queasiness drained away from her body, and she felt better than she had felt all morning. Derek had texted her, Derek was thinking about her, Derek missed her – the very knowledge of that fact eased Meredith's brooding thoughts away from her mind, at least for the time being. Breathing out softly in relief, Meredith felt the tears pooling in her eyes as she read Derek's message once more. Derek had texted her, he was thinking about her and he was not with another woman, he was not cheating on her, Meredith kept playing it again and again inside her head, effectively shutting up the small voice in the back of her head that always made her distrust Derek.

Meredith closed her eyes to push back the tears of relief that had formed in her eyes, and contemplated whether she should tell Derek about the panic attack she had had. What would Derek think about her if he knew? Wouldn't he think that she was too weak and clingy and pathetic? Okay, knowing Derek, he probably would not think that, but the knowledge of her panic attack would definitely unsettle Derek. He might even rush back home upon hearing about her panic attack. No, she could not do that, she needed to prove to herself and to Derek that she could trust Derek not to be unfaithful to her. She and Derek needed to get closure on the whole incident; without closure, they would never be able to move forward and heal.

With that thought in mind, Meredith typed in a reply for Derek.

"_I am okay. Thanks for texting me; hope you finish up all the work smoothly. Can't wait for you to be back home. –M"_

Meredith tapped the send option to send the text to Derek. She then placed her phone aside and rubbed her palms on her face, relaxing for the first time since Derek had left for D.C. Yes, she had been worried, she had been worried and scared to death that Derek was with another woman, but Derek's message had alleviated her worries for the moment. It gave her hope, hope that she and Derek would be okay at some point along the broken road.

_We were made for each other_

_Out here forever_

_I know we were_

_Yeah, yeah_

_And all I ever wanted was for you to know_

_Everything I do, I give my heart and soul_

_I can hardly breathe; I need to feel you here with me_

_Yeah_

* * *

Meredith made her way towards an on-call room for the second time that day, but thankfully, this time, she was not rushing to an on-call room because of a panic attack. This time, she was walking over to an on-call room at the end of her shift to have a lie-down before she picked up the kids from day-care and headed home.

It was 6 in the evening, and she had not talked to Derek all day, except that text message he had sent her earlier during the afternoon. He was probably busy with all the work in D.C., and that was probably why he had not called. Meredith could not exactly blame him though; after recovering from her earlier panic attack, she had been too busy to call or text him too. A phone worked two ways, after all. Though, Meredith had been slightly dubious about calling Derek during the day lest he think that she was checking up on him every other minute. Besides, she had to let go of her unnecessary fears and suspicions, and for that, she had controlled the urge to call Derek on her own, even if it made her fret to no end. But, now, as the day winded down, Meredith felt the need to hear her husband's voice, even if it was just over the phone. She might even tell Derek about the panic attack; she had been mulling it over all day, and Derek would probably know all the right words to say to her in order to comfort her. Her husband definitely had a way with words; how could she forget that a simple text from him earlier that day had allayed all her misgivings in a heartbeat?

Entering an empty on-call room, Meredith closed the door and deposited herself on one of the beds. Shucking her lab coat, Meredith took out her phone from the pocket of the coat and opened up her contacts list. She needed to talk to Derek pronto, and she also needed to ask him when he would be arriving home. Derek had told her before leaving for D.C. that he would catch a flight and return home that very day, even though he would probably be arriving in the middle of the night.

Tapping on Derek's name in the contact list, Meredith pressed the call button and placed the phone against her ear, waiting for Derek's voice to come on the other end. The ring went on a few times, and Meredith picked up on a thread of her lab coat as she waited patiently for Derek to pick up.

However, the ring kept on going till it reached Derek's voicemail. Meredith furrowed her brows together and hung up the call, misgivings immediately starting to creep into her mind. Why was Derek not picking up his phone? Was he still busy? But, he had said that he would be returning home that very day, so, shouldn't he have finished up all his work by now? All these questions clouded Meredith's mind as she pressed the call button once more.

The ring went on again, and the call was again diverted to voicemail. Meredith's heart began to race as she disconnected the call and tried again. What the hell was going on? Was Derek so busy that he could not pick up his phone once in the entire day? It was not like she had been bugging him all day with phone calls; she was calling him for the first time since his departure and he still could not receive the call for a minute?

The ring went on four times, and just as Meredith was about to disconnect the call in frustration, someone picked up on the other line. Thinking that it was Derek, Meredith opened her mouth to speak, but she did not get the chance to utter a single syllable as the person on the other end spoke before she could.

"Hello?" The high voice came from the other end, taking Meredith by astonishment, fear and the weirdest sense of déjà vu.

_When you're gone_

_The pieces of my heart are missin' you_

_When you're gone_

_The face I came to know is missin' too_

_When you're gone_

_The words I need to hear_

_Will always get me through the day_

_And make it okay_

_I miss you..._

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know, another cliffhanger, and a very mean one. But, just so that we are clear, initially, this chapter did not have any cliffs. But, then I started to write and stuff started coming to my head and things snowballed into this cliffhanger. I promise to get you off the cliff soon, though.**

**Let me know what you guys think, because that's the only way of knowing how I am doing. I appreciate all your thoughts :)**

**Song Lyrics from "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne**


	11. Right Here Waiting

**A/N: Thank you so so much for all the reviews on last chapter! Your lovely comments make me so happy! Now, I know I left you all on a mean cliff in the last chapter and made you wait more than a week for this update, but this is a long one, so I think I made up for it...**

* * *

_**Right Here Waiting**_

_Oceans apart day after day_

_And I slowly go insane_

_I hear your voice on the line_

_But it doesn't stop the pain_

Meredith's heart raced in her chest and a painful lump formed in her throat. Her voice seemed to be lost somewhere as thought after thought raced inside her head, bringing back painful memories of the last time she had called Derek and a woman had answered his phone. The voice on the other end said hello once again, but Meredith still failed to find her voice and say something in response. Her eyes brimmed with tears as she struggled to ascertain whether the voice on the other line was same as the voice of Derek's research fellow. But, the more she tried to ascertain, the more her mind boggled and she felt surer and surer that it was Derek's research fellow who had answered the phone. Meredith mentally cussed herself for calling Derek as she tried to swallow back the lump in her throat. If she hadn't called him, she would have never had to find out that he was cheating on her, and what you don't know can't hurt you, right?

"Hello?" The woman on the other end asked once more, sounding irritated this time.

Meredith snapped out of her daze and swallowed thickly as she tried to answer, even though she knew that there was no point in answering now. It was done; Derek had done the exact thing that she had been scared of. Her worst fears, her nightmares were coming true, and the ironic thing was that standing in front of harsh reality, things felt all the more surreal to Meredith.

"If you don't want to talk, then why did you call? My time is precious and I can't afford to waste it like this. If you have something to say, then say it or I'll hang up," the woman on the other end bluntly threatened this time, her patience wearing thin.

Tears slipped down Meredith's cheeks as she sniffed a little. She did not see any point in saying anything anymore, but, for the sake of things, she had to be 100% sure that it was Renee. No matter how confident Meredith felt about it, she had to be completely sure in order to finally force herself to face the cold reality.

Gripping the edge of the on-call room bed with her hand, Meredith finally managed to rasp out, "C – Can I speak to Dr. Derek Shepherd? Is he there?"

Meredith did not expect an answer from the other end; she was sure that the woman would hang up the phone, just like she had done the last time. However, Meredith was taken by sheer surprise when the woman on the other end answered, "He is in a meeting with the President right now. May I ask who is calling? You can leave a message for him; I'll give it to him as soon as the meeting is over."

Meredith's eyes widened with profound shock as she struggled to wrap her mind around everything. What the heck was going on? A woman had answered Derek's phone again and Meredith had been confident that Derek had cheated on her, she had been confident that he was with Renee. Then, then, what was all this? Renee would never want to take a message for him, would she? No, if Renee had answered the phone, she would have immediately hung up when she heard Meredith's voice. But, if Renee was not answering Derek's phone, then who was?

Meredith wiped up her cheeks with the back of her hand and questioned in a thick voice, "I am his wife. Can I ask who this is?"

"Oh, Mrs. Shepherd. I'm the receptionist of the West Wing of the White House. All doctors have to leave their phones here before they go in for a meeting with the President. Do I need to deliver a message to Dr. Shepherd? Is it anything urgent?"

Relief – warm, glorious, soothing relief swept over Meredith on hearing that. She could not believe her ears as tears of relief wetted her cheeks. Derek was not – he had not cheated on her, he was not with Renee. Meredith had been so damn sure that it was Renee, but she could not be more relieved and overjoyed at being proven wrong. Meredith exhaled loudly in relief as she said in a slightly shaky voice, "Uh – no, it's nothing urgent. Just – could you tell him to call me back when he finishes with the meeting?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll positively tell him. Anything else?" the woman asked.

Meredith sniffled as she said, "No, no, nothing else. Thanks a lot." The woman disconnected the line and Meredith let the phone fall out of her hand and onto the bed. Her shoulders shook as Meredith buried her face in her hands, an elemental wave of guilt combined with relief sweeping over her. She was glad that the on-call room was dark and empty; she did not want anyone to see her break apart like that.

Meredith kept on crying as she felt a colossal wave of guilt and remorse wash over her. She had been suspicious of Derek once more; she had distrusted Derek once again. What on Earth was wrong with her? What kind of woman did that? What kind of wife distrusted and suspected her own husband every other minute? Why could she not be like a normal woman – a normal wife, who could have faith and trust in her husband?

She felt like scum for being so untrusting and suspicious; she felt like the crappiest wife and person on Earth ever. She wished that things were different; she wished that _she _was different, but it was out of her control. However hard she tried to trust Derek, to believe him, she could not do so. There was always a part of her that constantly doubted Derek, that constantly doubted the veracity and sincerity of his words and actions, and she could not feel more remorseful for it. It was not like she did not want to trust her husband, it was quite the contrary actually, but wanting and actually doing were two antithetical things. And Derek going to D.C. again was proving to be more and more challenging for her, and she could hardly wait till he was home again, with her. It had hardly been a day since he was gone, and she was already tired of waiting for him. She hated the wait, she hated the spatial distance between them, and she just wanted Derek to come back to her as soon as possible.

_If I see you next to never_

_How can we say forever_

_Wherever you go_

_Whatever you do_

_I will be right here waiting for you_

_Whatever it takes_

_Or how my heart breaks_

_I will be right here waiting for you_

* * *

Meredith kept her eyes trained on the road as she drove the car, glancing every now and then at the backseat in the rear-view mirror. Zola and Bailey were safely strapped in the backseat, but Zola was unusually quiet that day. Meredith could not understand why her usually chatty daughter was sitting so calmly and staring out the window of the car that day. Meredith was already unnerved by the day's events so far – the panic attack, the constant worry, the scare in the on-call room, plus, Derek had yet to call her back, and all of that combined with her daughter's unusual demeanour was enough to freak Meredith out.

"Zola, honey, are you alright?" Meredith asked as she glanced at the rear-view mirror once more, freaking out inwardly.

"Mmmhmm..." Zola hummed a response as she continued to stare out the window.

Zola's wordless response served to freak Meredith out even more, and Meredith tried to concentrate on the road as she asked, "How was daycare? All good? And, how is your friend, Cindy?"Meredith briefly pondered the irony of it all; on other days, it was Zola going on and on about daycare and her friends and what she did and what she coloured, and Meredith was the hearer. That day, it was a role reversal if Meredith had ever seen one; she was the one probing Zola while Zola kept mum.

"Yeah, it was 'kay. Cindy is fine," Zola said quietly as she finally tore her eyes away from the window and looked at her mother.

Meredith locked eyes with her daughter in the mirror, and she noticed an unusual, sad look in Zola's innocent, brown eyes. Trepidation immediately crept into Meredith's mind and her motherly instincts kicked in. Something was definitely wrong with her daughter, and she was determined to find out what.

"Sweetie, is something bothering you? You are very quiet today, and you look sad," Meredith remarked as she trained her eyes on the road again.

No response came from Zola promptly, and Meredith wondered if she should ask again. However, before Meredith could make up her mind about repeating her question, Zola said, "Nothing. I just – I miss Daddy."

Meredith's heart immediately dropped into her stomach as she processed her daughter's response. Zola missed her Daddy. What could Meredith possibly say to that? What could Meredith say when she herself missed Derek like crazy?

When Meredith kept silent, Zola spoke again. "Mommy, when do you think will Daddy come home?"Zola asked in her childlike voice.

Meredith braked the car at the red light, and turned sideways in her seat to look properly at her daughter. Zola's brown eyes were filled with questions as she looked back at her mother expectantly. Meredith was at a loss for words as she ruminated about how to answer her daughter's ingenuous query, when she herself had no idea when Derek would be coming back home. He had said in the morning that he would be coming home that very day, but she had been unable to talk to him after that. What if he had changed his mind? What if he was not coming home that day? Meredith did not want to become a liar to her daughter.

After a good few minutes of rumination, Meredith sighed loudly and looked at Zola to give her a reassuring smile. "Soon, sweetie. Daddy will be home soon," Meredith rejoined, trying her best to convince herself as well as Zola, but her voice sounded feeble and unconvincing to her own ears. The light turned green and Meredith turned away from Zola to start the car again.

As Meredith started driving, an uncharacteristic silence descended in the car. Both Meredith and Zola were lost in their own thoughts that night, and little Bailey was probably the only one who was the most unfazed by all the happenings of the day.

"Mommy, are you okay?" Zola's voice suddenly broke the silence that had been filling the car.

Meredith looked up at the rear-view mirror in surprise, her green eyes clashing with her daughter's brown ones. Taken aback by Zola's out-of-the-blue question, Meredith took a minute to gather her wits before she replied, "Yes, ZoZo. I'm fine, I'm okay. Why did you ask, honey?"

Zola nodded her head. "No...You just..." Zola furrowed her eyebrows as she fumbled for the right words and finally said, "You looked sad too. Do ya miss Daddy too?"

Meredith's eyes widened slightly in surprise as she took a while to ponder on Zola's question. She looked sad? Was her condition so bad that it was showing on her face now? Was her condition so bad that her four-year old daughter could gauge that something was wrong with her? Meredith had always prided herself in being able to hide her emotions well from people, especially her children. But, that day, all her pride washed away as she locked eyes with her daughter once more, thinking about what to say.

After a lot of humming and hawing, Meredith finally said in a barely audible voice, "Yeah...Yeah..."

"Tis okay if ya miss Daddy. He will be home soon," Zola repeated Meredith's words, trying her level best to offer comfort to her mother.

Meredith smiled slightly as a faint sheen of tears formed in her eyes. Her daughter was growing up; her daughter was becoming a big girl – unbeknownst to her, her daughter was becoming so mature, so...understanding. When did Zola grow up so much? When did Zola become capable enough to understand her mother's moods and need to be comforted? Zola, who herself was a baby – who herself was only four years old, was comforting her 37 year old mother as if she was a little child. When did this transition happen? And why did Meredith not notice it before?

"I know, sweetie, I know," Meredith rasped out, her voice thick with emotion and pride – a mother's pride on discovering just how big her baby girl had got. It seemed only like yesterday when Zola was a baby who had been brought into the hospital with spina bifida, and Derek had brought her to Meredith and said that they should adopt her. And now, now Zola had grown so much that she could gauge her mother's sadness in a minute.

Sighing loudly, Meredith drove the car homeward as another spell of silence descended over the trio.

"Mommy, can we have pizza for dinna tonight?" Zola's childlike voice cut through the silence. Meredith smiled again, this time, taken aback by how quickly Zola's mood changed. One minute, Zola was talking about serious, grown-up things like an adult and the next minute, she was switching the topic to pizza like a child.

"Yes, ZoZo. We can have pizza for dinner tonight. Mommy is in a pizza mood too and besides, Daddy is not home, so it's our only choice," Meredith said, chuckling slightly and feeling light-hearted for the first time in the entire day. Zola, like her father, had the wondrous capability of lightening Meredith's mood with her words in a split second.

Zola smiled a little and went back to staring out the window. As Meredith continued driving, her thoughts spiralled back to Derek. If Derek were there, he would have demurred immediately to the idea of pizza for dinner, but he wasn't there, so there was no one to raise any objections to the greasy, fat-laden pizza. The very thought darkened Meredith's mood once more, and she immediately glanced over to her phone. Steering the wheel with one hand, Meredith grabbed her phone with the other and checked it. Still no calls or messages from Derek. Sighing, she placed the phone back in its place and continued driving the car homeward in the silence of the night.

_I took for granted, all the times_

_That I thought would last somehow_

_I hear the laughter, I taste the tears_

_But I can't get near you now_

* * *

Meredith walked out of the bathroom and closed the door behind her. After putting the kids down for the night, she had utilized the time to take a long, warm shower in order to calm herself down after everything that had transpired that day.

Drying her hair with the towel, Meredith's thoughts inevitably wandered off to Derek. She had thought that Derek would have probably called her by dinnertime, but it was near bedtime now, and she had still not received a call from Derek. As she deposited herself on the bed, her thoughts strayed off to dangerous territory again, filling her mind with ominous trepidation. Did a meeting take so long to finish?

As soon as Meredith realized what she was doing, she shook her head to clear it of all the ominous thoughts. No, she would not do this over and over again. She was not going to have a panic attack every time Derek failed to call her or text her. She had to get her act together and stop overanalyzing things to the point of endless fear and worry, she decided firmly. She was done, she was done distrusting Derek so much and she was done feeling guilty about it all the time. She had to stop it right that moment, and start over with a fresh outlook.

With her resolve made, Meredith discarded the towel and lay back on the bed. Curling herself into a ball, she immediately felt the absence of Derek's warm body in the bed. She had just got used to sleeping with him in the bed again, and he was gone already. He was gone, and she had no idea whether he would be coming back home that night.

Meredith tried to think positively as she tossed and turned in the empty queen-sized bed. Maybe Derek had not called her because he was on the return flight. Maybe, Derek had got on a plane as soon as his meeting had wrapped up, and he was going to come home soon. Maybe that was it; maybe, she did not always have to think negatively about everything. Maybe, something good – something positive could happen in her life. After all, once upon a time, she had thought that she would never get married and have a family, and look at her now. She was happily married, with two beautiful kids who were growing up faster each day. Okay, maybe her marriage was not in such a happy place right now, but all marriages had their shares of ups and downs. All marriages had to weather their share of storms to finally get their happy ending. She and Derek would have it too – their happy ending. Though, she and Derek had almost had their happy ending, before Derek had received the phone call from D.C.

D.C. – D.C. had been the start of it all. The minute Derek had received the call from D.C., things had turned topsy-turvy in their life. D.C. was the root of all their problems, or maybe, not the root of _all_ their problems, but definitely the root of most of their problems. That was why she had been so hell-bent on sending Derek to D.C. this time – what had started in D.C. had to end in D.C. in order for her and Derek to move forward with their lives.

Lost in her own little world, Meredith started when her phone rang from its spot on the bedside table. She all but jumped out of the bed to grab her phone and in all her haste, she managed to knock down the clock on the bedside table.

"Damnit!" Meredith cussed loudly as she fumbled to straighten the clock as fast as she could. As soon as she was done, she looked at her phone and let out a relieved sigh on seeing Derek's caller id. Letting out the breath that she didn't know she had been holding, Meredith pressed the answer button and placed the phone against her ear.

"Hello?" she said, a little breathlessly.

"Hello, Meredith," Derek said from the other end, his voice sounding distorted over the phone. "I'm so sorry I didn't call you all day, the network here has been really crappy," he explained as the phone crackled slightly.

"Oh, it's – it's okay. I was a little worried, but I – I am okay," Meredith lied through her teeth, not knowing why she felt it compulsory to lie to Derek.

"Really? 'Cause you don't sound all that much okay," Derek remarked knowingly as the static cut through his voice.

"Uh – "Meredith fumbled for words on being caught. "No...It's – I am fine. I was just wondering if you were coming home tonight, like you said in the morning, so..." she said softly, knowing that it was not really a lie.

"Ah, yes...That..." Derek paused, as if he was thinking over what to say.

"Derek, what is it?" Meredith asked, knowing that Derek wanted to say something but he couldn't figure out how to.

"Um...It's just that...I can't come home tonight," Derek said and an eerie silence fell on the other end of the line. "Meredith, I tried, I really tried to catch a red-eye flight in order to come home by tonight, but all red-eye flights have been cancelled due to inclement weather here. There is a mild storm going on, and they don't want to take a risk. I was able to book a flight for tomorrow, though. But, it's at 2 p.m..." Derek trailed off, waiting for Meredith to say something.

Meredith inhaled a sharp breath as she heard Derek's explanation, the wheels spinning in her head. She had been so hopeful about Derek's return, she had thought that her wait would end that day itself and now...Now, another long, painful day had been added to her seemingly never-ending wait. She didn't know what to say to him, or how to say anything to him, when all she could think about was...

"Meredith, say something," Derek pleaded in a soft voice, awaiting her reaction to the news.

Finally, after a long moment of silence, Meredith breathed out loudly and replied, "It's okay. If you can't get a flight, what can you do about it? It's okay, you tried..." Meredith repeated once again, as if trying to convince herself that it was okay for Derek to stay in D.C. for another day. Truth was, it was not okay for her, none of it was okay. All her hopes about Derek's return had been destroyed now, and she was at a loss for what to say. "Are you going to stay in a hotel?" she finally asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah...I already found a hotel and I'm just getting there. I am in the cab right now..." Derek answered, even though she had not asked about his whereabouts.

"Oh..." Meredith said softly, feeling the tiniest bit reassured by Derek's words. "So, how did everything go over there? I mean, with the resignation and all..."she trailed off.

"Everything went over smoothly. They – uh – they tried to convince me to stay, but, I told them that my decision was final. It's all done here," Derek said with finality in his voice.

"Good. That's good," Meredith replied, picking on a thread of the bed sheet.

"Meredith...Are you really okay?" Derek asked after a brief pause.

No, I'm not okay; I am anything but okay – was what Meredith wanted to say to Derek. But, for some reason, she held herself back from letting out her true emotions. So, instead of saying what she really wanted to say, Meredith replied, "Yes, Derek. I am completely – fine. Stop worrying so much about me."

"Okay..." Derek said in an unconvinced tone. "How are the kids? Did you put them down? Did you all have dinner?"

Meredith wondered briefly whether she should tell Derek about Zola's demeanour in the car. Deciding that she had said enough lies to Derek already, Meredith replied, "The kids are fine. Zola was a little sad on the way back home today because she missed you, but other than that, they are fine. And yes, we all had dinner and I put them to bed about half an hour ago, Derek. You didn't need to ask; it's not like I wouldn't feed my children if you didn't ask me to." Meredith finished on a slightly irritable tone.

"Meredith, that's not what I meant," Derek said quickly. "I was just asking..."he finished uncertainly.

Meredith sighed as she realized how snappy she must have sounded. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. I just – I have a headache and it's really messing with my mood," Meredith lied, trying to get out of it.

"Headache? Do you have a fever or something? Did you take Advil?"Derek immediately assaulted her with questions.

"Derek, I'm fine. It's just a headache. I don't need to take Advil – it's not that bad. A little rest and I'll be fine," Meredith said, thinking about her earlier panic attack.

"Oh, okay. But, do take meds if you need to, alright? I'll let you rest then...Good night, take care," Derek said reluctantly.

"Alright. Good night and you take care too. And have a safe journey tomorrow. And call me before you get on the plane," Meredith added as she pondered whether she had to say something else to him.

"Okay, I will. Bye," Derek said and then added quickly, "I love you."

Meredith was just about to disconnect the line when he said that, and she didn't know why, but she always found a new strength in herself whenever Derek said those words to her. She didn't know what was so reassuring about those three words, but she was not one to question it. Smiling slightly, she replied, "Bye. I love you too." She disconnected the phone and breathed out loudly as she got up from the bed. She knew that sleep was going to elude her that night, and she better not try at all. With that thought in mind, Meredith walked out of the bedroom and into the hall.

_Oh, can't you see it baby_

_You've got me going crazy_

_Wherever you go_

_Whatever you do_

_I will be right here waiting for you_

_Whatever it takes _

_Or how my heart breaks_

_I will be right here waiting for you_

Amelia walked over to the front porch of the house, utterly exhausted by the long day she had had. She had been standing in the OR all day and her legs were ready to give out. Her brother's absence at work had taken it out of Amelia, making her realize just how much she needed Derek's helping hand at work. She was ready to just go inside the house and collapse on her soft, welcoming bed without looking left or right.

However, all of Amelia's hopes about collapsing on her bed came crashing down when she swung the door open and entered the house. Her eyes were met by the sight of her sister-in-law sitting alone on one end of the couch with a half-filled glass of wine in her hand.

Meredith was sitting on the couch with a deadpan face and sipping her wine. When Amelia entered the house, Meredith turned her eyes towards her once, but made no other sign to show that she was aware of Amelia's presence in the room. Amelia could immediately sense that something was wrong with her sister-in-law, and closing the door shut, she decided to find out what.

"Meredith," Amelia spoke, her voice sounding unusually loud in the silent living room. "You are still awake. And you are drinking wine. And you look...upset. Are you okay?" Amelia asked solicitously as she hung up her coat and advanced towards the couch.

Amelia's question was answered by a small laugh from Meredith. "Am I okay? Amelia, do you have any idea how many times I have been asked that question today? 'Meredith, are you okay?' 'Dr. Grey, are you okay?' 'Mommy, are you okay?' People keep asking me if I am okay, which is very...funny," Meredith slightly slurred as she gave another small laugh.

Amelia heard the slur in her sister-in-law's voice and glanced at the bottle of wine sitting on the coffee table. It was half-empty, which explained the slur in Meredith's voice. Meredith was tipsy, and tipsy Meredith was...slightly loopy Meredith.

Before Amelia could say anything else, Meredith spoke again. "But, I think I have told enough lies for one day. You know, I think I should be condemned to hell for telling so many lies. So, I have decided that I am not going to lie to anyone anymore. So, no Amy, I am not okay. Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to call you Amy because Derek is the only one who gets to call you that. So, no Amelia, I am not okay," Meredith finished as she let out a sigh and sipped her wine.

Amelia looked at her tipsy sister-in-law and she felt compelled to probe Meredith, even though she knew that she shouldn't pry. Meredith was like a sister to her, and sisters looked out for each other. And, Amelia Shepherd was not one to leave her sister alone when it was patent that something was wrong with her, even if it meant that Amelia had to pry.

So, Amelia walked over to the couch and sat down beside Meredith, eyeing her carefully. Meredith made no move to object, so Amelia decided that it was okay for her to sit there. Shifting a little, Amelia tried again. "Meredith, do you want to talk about it? Because, if you do, you know that I'm always here to listen," Amelia said in what she hoped was a comforting tone.

Amelia's statement made Meredith laugh once again. "Aha! See, I knew you would want to talk. Because you are a S – Shepherd. And Shepherds, they loooove to talk. Shepherds are all bright and shiny, and they looove to communicate. They are very...very...communicate-y," Meredith said and made a face at how wrong the word 'communicate-y' sounded. "Wait, that didn't sound very right, but you do get what I mean. Shepherds want to talk, they want to hash it out; they are always poised to talk everything out. Not that that is a bad thing, but...It's just that, I am not a Shepherd! I'm a Grey, and Greys don't talk it out. Greys don't communicate, or maybe it's just Meredith Grey who doesn't communicate. Maybe, it's not a thing specific to my whole family, you know? Maybe, the whole not communicating thing and the bottling up my emotions thing, and the dark and twisty thing – all of it is just me. But, my point is, I can't communicate like the Shepherds." Meredith finished her long-winded, drunk ramble as she poured some more wine for herself.

Amelia was taken aback by Meredith's ramble, but before she got the chance to formulate any kind of response, Meredith started again. "But, you know what? Everyone keeps telling me that I should communicate. Derek keeps telling me that, and you tell me that and Alex tells me that, and I think I should. Talk. I should talk. So, yes, Amy, or Amelia, I want to talk. Because, supposedly, talking is supposed to be goooood..." Meredith said as she tittered at how she used the word 'supposed' twice in a sentence.

Amelia's eyes softened as she looked at her drunk sister-in-law, and she could understand that something was really bothering her. Seeing Meredith like this was a first for her, since she had never witnessed drunken Meredith; Amelia had always seen the cool, composed, focussed Meredith in front of her, but Amelia Shepherd was not one to be unnerved because of that. Meredith needed her, or not specifically her, but Meredith needed someone right now, and she was more than willing to be there for Meredith.

"Meredith," Amelia said softly. "You can call me Amy, you know? I mean, I know that I usually say that Derek is the only one who gets to call me Amy because he is my only brother, but you are a sister to me, Mer. So, you can call me Amy," Amelia said and paused briefly.

Meredith turned her eyes towards Amelia and smiled. "Oh, thanks. That was – that was very nice of you. That – felt very nice. Thanks, Amy."

Amelia smiled back at Meredith as she watched Meredith finish up her glass of wine and reach for more. "Don't mention it. So...You were going to talk..." Amelia probed her sister-in-law a bit.

Meredith's expression was that of a deer caught in the headlights. "Oh, um...yeah, I was...going to talk. Uh – um – but I just told you, I am not very good at the communication thing, and so I have no idea where to start or how to start, ya know? You are a Shepherd, you have to help me out a little with the whole talking thing, because I really am lost when it comes to it," Meredith murmured as she gulped back some of her wine with the hopes of getting some Dutch courage.

Amelia nodded her head in understanding. "Hmm...You could start with why you were sitting here, alone, in the middle of the night and drinking," Amelia said in an encouraging tone.

Meredith shook her head. "Oh, yeah, that. I know that was probably weird, because I don't drink that often anymore. And I am not that much of a wine-drinker either, but I can't drink tequila because I have to work tomorrow. And, I needed something to help me get through the night, so...wine was the best choice," Meredith stated as an answer to Amelia's question.

Amelia raised an eyebrow at Meredith's circumlocution. "Meredith, that's not what I asked and you know it..."

Meredith looked at Amelia sheepishly for a moment before she leant forward and deposited the glass on the table. Pressing her palms in her lap, Meredith looked down for a while before saying, "I – uhm – you know that Derek went back to D.C. this morning, to get over with the whole resigning thingy. Well, he called me an hour ago and told me that he can't make it home tonight because all flights on the east coast are cancelled due to inclement weather. So...he has to stay in D.C. till tomorrow, and...that is the reason." Meredith mumbled out uncertainly.

Amelia furrowed her eyebrows together in confusion. She felt out of the loop. Why would Derek staying over in D.C. for one day bother Meredith? "Mer, I – I don't understand. What are you trying to say?"

Meredith shook her head in frustration. "See! This is why I hate talking! Because, now I have to tell you about something else in order for you to get what I am talking about. In talking, you have to jump from one point to the other so that the listener can understand the first point. It's – it's all so complicated, and twisted, and tangled up, and complex! This is why I don't talk!"Meredith huffed.

Amelia pressed her lips together as she tried to formulate a justified response for Meredith. Meredith grabbed her glass of wine and downed the contents of the glass in one gulp and then, sat back in her position as she looked down. After a long, pregnant pause, Meredith murmured, "I – Derek – he – when he was in D.C., before he came back to Seattle, he – he kissed his research fellow."

Amelia's mouth fell open in surprise as she took the time to process Meredith's words. As the words slowly set in, Amelia was filled with a number of emotions from anger to shock to surprise. Derek – her brother, Derek – had kissed someone else? Her brother – who was a living moral compass – he had partly cheated on his wife? Derek – who loved his wife more than any other husband did, had hurt his wife in one of the worst possible ways?

"He – what?! He – he kissed his research fellow?!" Amelia exclaimed in surprise, trying to assimilate the words. It sounded incredible, it sounded unbelievable. Amelia couldn't help the shock and anger that boiled in her veins. Meredith only nodded silently in response as she looked away from Amelia. Amelia could see the hurt written all over Meredith's face at the mere mention of the event, and she couldn't help but feel protective of Meredith.

"That asshole! How dare he! He left his family here in Seattle to go after a job in D.C., and then, then he went and did that?! How could he?!" Amelia exclaimed rather loudly, anger boiling in her veins. She still could not believe that her own brother had done something like that. She had known for months that Meredith and Derek were having problems in their marriage, but she had never envisioned that their problems could lead to this. No wonder Meredith was having such a hard time forgiving her brother; if she were in Meredith's position, she would have probably kicked her husband out or something.

Meredith sniffled a little as Amelia tried to digest the information, and Amelia immediately looked up to see that Meredith was crying silently. Amelia's heart went out to her sister-in-law as she shifted closer to Meredith and draped a supportive arm around Meredith's shoulders. Rubbing Meredith's shoulder in an attempt to comfort her, Amelia said, "Meredith...I am so –"

Meredith cut Amelia's sentence short. "Please, Amelia, don't say that you are sorry. Don't say that. This is exactly why I didn't tell anyone about all this. I knew that once people knew, they would pity me, and I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want people to judge me, and think that I'm not a good wife, who is incapable of keeping her husband happy! I don't want people to think that, because I am not a bad wife! I am not! But, I – I feel that way sometimes, because a good wife knows how to keep her husband happy...and I – I probably didn't keep my husband happy, that's why he went ahead and found someone else! I probably didn't show my husband how much I love him, so he had to go and look for love from someone else!" Meredith cried as more and more tears welled up in her eyes. "I – I think I failed to be a good wife, you know? I am – I am a failure! I am a total and complete failure because I'm the horriblest wife ever! I failed to perform my wifely duties, and my husband felt unloved and I'm an incapable, bad wife and oh, I am awful!" Meredith cried as she buried her face in her hands in shame.

"Meredith, it's not like that! It's not your fault. It's Derek's fault; it's _his _incapability as a husband, not yours," Amelia said firmly as she kept rubbing Meredith's shoulder. Amelia was going to kill her brother once he came back; she could not believe that her brother had hurt Meredith like this.

"You have to say that! And you know, I can never say all these things to Derek, because I know that he'll say something like what you just said. He will deny it because he – he loves me! I know he does and he – he also feels so guilty about what he did, and it's good to see that he regrets it, but...but, sometimes, I feel like he is staying with me just out of guilt and regret! And that's awful, because I am not supposed to doubt his love! But I can't help it," Meredith said amidst her tears.

"Oh, Meredith," Amelia sighed as she watched Meredith unravel in front of her eyes. She knew that Meredith would have never said all these things to her if Meredith had been sober, but it was good that Meredith was finally letting out all her emotions. Talking was catharsis, and Meredith desperately needed it.

"And, you know, I had a panic attack earlier today, because Derek didn't call me at the time he was supposed to. Can you believe that?! I mean, seriously, seriously, what kind of person does that? What kind of person has a panic attack if her husband forgets to call her? A desperate, pathetic, needy, clingy and untrusting person! A – A horrible, awful, pathetic, worthless person! Oh..." Meredith said as she covered her face with her palms once again and sobbed.

Without giving Amelia the chance to say anything, Meredith uncovered her face and continued. "And, wh – when Derek called me an hour ago to tell me that he is not going to come home tonight because of inclement weather, you know what my first thought was? That he is lying! That he is lying so that he can stay in D.C. with his research fellow! And that's horrible, because I know he was not lying! I know that, but a part of me always doubts Derek and I feel awful about it! I feel awful that I can't trust Derek, because it hurts him. It hurts him when I doubt him, and it hurts me to doubt him too. And I wish things were different, I wish I was different so that I could be a little more trusting towards him! God, I feel horrible about it all the time – I feel like a horrible person and an even more horrible wife for not trusting Derek!" Meredith said as she sobbed.

Amelia had no idea how to console Meredith. She didn't know what she should say to make Meredith feel better, so she just pulled Meredith into a side hug. Meredith's head rested on Amelia's shoulder as she continued sobbing. Amelia felt so bad for Meredith; she wanted to say something in order to make Meredith feel better, but she was at a loss for words.

"I am a failure at everything! I am an awful wife, a bad mother, a horrible surgeon...Or maybe not a horrible surgeon, because I like to think I'm pretty good at what I do, but still...I mean, I didn't win a Harper Avery or two like my mother, so I'm not an extraordinary surgeon either. Because, extraordinary surgeons win Harper Averies, and I didn't win any, so...I fail at everything! I am an utter failure in everything that I do!" Meredith ranted as she kept on crying on Amelia's shoulder.

"Meredith...You couldn't be more in the wrong. You are NOT a failure. You are not. You are an amazing mother, a wonderful wife, a great surgeon and more importantly, a good person. Do you know how strong and kind and courageous you are? You are one of the strongest people I have ever seen. The simple fact that you are willing to forgive my brother for what he did and move on with him shows how much strength you have. Not many women would do that, Mer. Most of the women would have taken the easy way out of this mess; they would have shirked off responsibility for this whole thing and leave their husbands because they would have had an opportunity to. But you, you didn't run from this at the mere opportunity you got. You decided to be the bigger person here, you decided to stay in this mess and fix it. The simple fact that you are working on your marriage even after everything that happened proves that you are an amazing person and wife," Amelia stated firmly, knowing that it was the truth.

Meredith remained silent in response, her sobs continuing. Amelia shouldered Meredith's head as Meredith kept crying it out while the minutes ticked by. Gradually, Meredith's sobs weakened and then, ceased altogether. Sniffling, Meredith mumbled out, "You Shepherds always have a way with words. Always. How do you do it? How do you always know what to say?"

Amelia smiled a little and said, "I don't know. But, it was all the truth, you know. You are a good person, Mer. You and Derek just need some more time. It's all still so recent, and things are not going to fix themselves overnight, you know? It will take some time to get things straightened out, but it will be worth it in the end."

Meredith nodded her head and sniffled a little before lapsing into a momentary silence. After a few minutes, she said matter-of-factly, "Cristina would have been so mad at me if she were here. Because a) I am weeping like a sap about a boy and b) I am hugging. I don't hug people..."

"Oh, hush. You needed it," Amelia said in a chiding tone and Meredith giggled as she lifted her head away from Amelia's shoulder.

"That's what I always used to tell Cristina..." Meredith said with a tiny smile. Meredith wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand and murmured, "Now you must think that I am a poor little thing with all my woes and troubles and internal conflicts..."

"Hey, I don't think anything along those lines. Or near those lines, for that matter. I am glad that you opened up to me, Mer. You needed it; you needed someone to vent to, and I am glad that it was me. And always know that if you ever need someone to listen to you, I am there. Sometimes, we don't just need to talk, you know? We need to be heard," Amelia said, placing her hand on Meredith's shoulder supportively.

Meredith smiled at Amelia and leant towards the coffee table to grab the bottle of wine again. "I didn't even offer you any wine. Where are my manners? I was just so lost...Wine?" Meredith asked as she already started pouring some in another glass.

Amelia contemplated it for a moment, thinking about her earlier plans of collapsing in the bed. "Yeah, sure," Amelia said after a minute as Meredith handed her the glass. Shoot the plans of collapsing in bed, Amelia would much rather be giving her sister company.

"Cheers," the two women echoed and downed their individual drinks as the clock struck midnight.

* * *

_I wonder how we can survive_

_This romance_

_But in the end if I'm with you_

_I'll take the chance_

Meredith shoved her phone in her pocket with a smile as she walked in the hallway. It was the day of Derek's return from D.C. and she and Derek had been texting back and forth all morning. He had been the one to start their text conversation when he had sent her a Good Morning message as early as 6 in the morning. Since then, they had engaged in an on and off text conversation that made Meredith wonder what had actually got into Derek. He had never been one to text – in fact, Derek hated texting. And yet, here he was, texting her throughout the day. Though, Meredith was not about to complain. If anything, Derek texting her only served to make her day better – way better than the previous day.

Pushing the door of the attendings' lounge open, Meredith walked inside and deposited herself on the couch with a sigh. It had been a good day so far, she was feeling a lot calmer that day and she had performed two successful surgeries. She did not know why, but she felt a lot lighter than she had felt in days, and the feeling was good.

Maybe it had something to do with Derek's texts, or maybe, it had something to do with her 'talk' with Amelia the previous night. Meredith chided herself mentally as she remembered her drunken meltdown in front of Amelia just a few hours ago, but she had to admit, talking to Amelia had helped. Finally getting out some of her pent-up guilt and qualms had removed a huge burden from Meredith's chest.

Shucking her lab coat, Meredith grabbed her cell phone and quickly typed in a text for Derek.

"_When are you going to go and get ready for your flight? Stop texting me and go pack so that you can come home today :)"_ She sent the text and smiled as she set her phone and her iPad aside and picked up a neurosurgical journal from the table.

Flipping through the pages of the journal casually, Meredith skimmed the various topics that had been highlighted in the weekly journal. As a surgeon, she had to stay up to date with all the goings-on of the surgical world, and she always had had a soft spot for neuro.

As Meredith turned a page, the bold heading of a small article caught her eyes. _"New Breakthrough in the treatment of Autism" – _the heading read. Meredith's interest was immediately piqued as she straightened up and started reading the article enthusiastically.

Halfway through the article, Meredith was caught unawares when she read the name of her husband printed in italics. She promptly did a double take as she looked more closely at the article, her eyes widening as she read the lines carefully.

"_The breakthrough was a product of the new brain mapping project undertaken by the NIH and headed by the renowned neurosurgeon, Dr. Derek Shepherd. Dr. Shepherd, along with a fellow colleague, Dr. Renee Collier, had been working on the project for a while now. While Dr. Shepherd was unavailable for comments as he has supposedly quit the job, we did manage to talk with the other doctor who worked on this project. Dr. Collier says – 'I had been working on this project of patch-clamping nerve cells for a year without success. I was determined to find a way of treating autism, but my research faced many roadblocks in the way. However, my guide and mentor, Dr. Shepherd, kept me motivated to move forward with the research in spite of my initial failures. He is one of the reasons why we have been able to successfully complete Phase – I of this project. I will be forever grateful to him for the support and motivation he gave me, and I hope I can take this project to new heights of success in the near future.' There are talks of Phase – I being published in JAMA, and this new development in the neurosurgical field has really given a fillip to the brain mapping initiative of the NIH."_

Meredith swallowed thickly as she read the article twice and then glanced at the tiny picture that accompanied the article. It was of a pretty, dark-haired woman with blue eyes and a wide grin. Meredith's heart beat rapidly in her ribcage as she gazed at the picture, her eyes transfixed on it. This was it – this was the woman Derek had kissed. This was the woman who her husband had been interested in. Meredith studied the picture with utmost care as she realized that she was laying eyes on Renee for the first time ever.

Meredith inhaled sharply as she scrutinized the tiny picture of the young woman. The woman was pretty – no, that was an understatement; the woman looked like a freaking supermodel. The woman had dark hair and pretty, shining blue eyes that looked hopeful and promising. Nothing like Meredith's eyes, Meredith thought to herself. As Meredith looked more and more at the picture, the light, happy feeling that had been imbibing Meredith's heart all day started to vanish into thin air. The more Meredith looked at the picture, the more insecure she felt. This woman – Renee was probably great, because not only was she gorgeous but also talented. Renee had made a breakthrough in treating autism – that was something that Meredith couldn't even begin to compare herself to. No wonder Derek had been attracted to her, who wouldn't be? And as soon as this thought entered Meredith's head, a mental picture of Derek kissing Renee popped up in Meredith's head, causing Meredith's heart to feel heavier and heavier with feelings of rancour and hurt.

Realizing that she was doing it again, Meredith closed the journal and tossed it away, trying to push away all the brooding thoughts from her head. No, no, she was not going to do this again, Meredith told herself firmly. She had promised herself the previous night that she would stop comparing herself to Renee and she would stop doubting Derek so much, and Meredith was going to keep her promise. Derek loved _her_, not Renee – he came back to Seattle for her. Meredith was not going to start distrusting Derek again, no matter what that little voice in the back of her head told her.

But, it was too late – Meredith's mind had already entered the territory of ominous thoughts. No matter how hard she tried, that sinking feeling that had taken up residence in her heart deepened and deepened, turning Meredith's light, cheerful mood into a dark, brooding one. Meredith rested her head against the backrest of the couch and closed her eyes, all her previous energy and enthusiasm draining from her body.

The beeping of her cell phone startled Meredith out of her thoughts, and she opened her eyes to reach forward for her phone that lay on the table. Unlocking the phone, Meredith opened the text message that she had just received.

"_I am already done packing; I finished it last night. I can't wait to be back home and see you again – I am counting seconds before we meet.-D"_

Meredith read the message from Derek and smiled despite her dark mood. Derek was seriously up to something – what was with all the lovey-dovey text messages? Meredith quickly typed in – "_Did you have a lot of cheese for dinner last night? Because you are being cheesy ;)" _Shaking her head, she sent the text and rested her head on the backrest again. No matter how much she mocked Derek for being cheesy and corny, she couldn't deny that Derek's texts were helping her cope with the day much better than the previous day.

And suddenly, Meredith had an idea – a genius idea to get rid of the dark, brooding mood that she had got into after seeing Renee's picture. Meredith typed in a new text for Derek and sent it to him, waiting eagerly for his reply. After a few minutes, the beeping of her cell phone signalled a new text and Meredith smiled as she read her husband's message.

Setting her phone aside, Meredith grabbed her iPad and unlocked it quickly. Launching the app from the home screen, she tapped the Contacts tab at the bottom and tapped on Derek's name from the list. She then tapped on the icon near the bottom of Derek's contact card and waited patiently as the call connected.

Within a few seconds, Derek's smiling face filled the screen of Meredith's iPad, making Meredith grin widely at her husband.

"Hey," Derek said as he looked at his wife's face after an entire day and a half.

"Hey," Meredith replied as she settled back on the couch comfortably and smiled at her husband.

"Your idea of FaceTiming was great, you know. I don't know why I didn't get it before. We could have FaceTimed last night," Derek said dramatically.

Meredith giggled. "Well, that's because you are pretty brainless for a brain surgeon," she said, laughing.

"Don't call me brainless! I am hurt," Derek said with a fake expression of shock.

Meredith laughed as she replied, "Fine. You are not brainless. Just technologically handicapped." Meredith giggled as Derek pouted on the screen and then, gave in and joined her in her laughter. Soon, Meredith was engaged in a confabulation with her husband over FaceTime. She had been right; seeing Derek's face was enough to shove away all the ominous thoughts from her head and return that light, cheerful feeling to her heart.

_Oh, can't you see it baby_

_You've got me going crazy_

* * *

Meredith sat on her bed, turning the page of the book she was reading. It was 7:30 in the evening, and after finishing dinner, Meredith had sat down with her book with the intent of catching up on some reading. But, truth be told, she had been reading the same page for the last half an hour as she kept glancing at the clock every now and then.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Meredith closed her book and tossed it to the side. She didn't know why she was feeling so restless and impatient that night. Or maybe, she did know. Derek was going to return home that night, and Meredith could hardly wait a few more hours for her husband's return.

Humming softly to herself, Meredith mulled over the events of the last few days. The big fight with Derek, him going to D.C. again, the panic attack, the incessant worrying and the feeling of guilt that accompanied it – all of it had worn her out. But, all of it could come to an end that night with Derek's return. If it worked, then Meredith would finally be able to close the chapter on D.C. forever and trust her husband a little. If it worked, Meredith could finally start working on her marriage with Derek without looking back on the past events. If it worked, she and Derek would finally get the closure they needed in order to move forward in their lives. If it worked.

Meredith wanted Derek to be home already, because she was desperate and restless to find out whether it worked or not. She had no idea what she would do if she was still unable to trust Derek after everything, but she had a feeling deep down in her heart that things were going to change with Derek's return – and things were going to change for the better. Of course, her gut feeling could be entirely wrong, given the inordinate number of bad things that had happened to her and Derek, but that night, Meredith allowed herself to go with her gut feeling. Because, the feeling – it was strong, and going with it felt good, going with it felt right.

But, the wait – it definitely did not feel good. The wait sucked and it made Meredith want to turn the hands of the clock according to her will. Breathing out loudly, Meredith decided to make herself a cup of coffee in order to kill some time.

Walking into the kitchen, Meredith moved over to the newly repaired coffeemaker and grabbed the carafe to fill it with water. She then poured the water carefully into the reservoir and placed the carafe back on the heating plate. Adding two tablespoons of the ground coffee beans to the filter, she put the filter basket back in the holder, closed the lid and turned on the coffee maker.

After ten minutes, Meredith sat on the couch with a cup of hot, steaming coffee and smiled as she sipped the beverage. It tasted good, right what it was supposed to taste like. After a year and a half of making too bitter or too flavourless coffee, she had finally mastered the art of coffee making. Derek always used to mock her by saying that she couldn't even brew coffee without taking down the whole kitchen; she would have so rubbed it in his face if he were here right now.

As she sipped her coffee, she wondered whether she should call Derek once to check on where he was, but then decided against it. She had been texting Derek all day, and they had FaceTimed too; she did not need to check on Derek every five minutes. Derek _was_ going to come home to her – he was going to come home soon.

And yet, Meredith felt a little worried as she sat back on the couch and glanced at the clock. It was nearly eight, and Meredith could hardly resist the urge to call Derek and ask where he was. What if, what if, his flight was cancelled again? What if he called her again to tell her that he couldn't come home that night either? Meredith was not sure that she would be able to stand another day of waiting to see her husband in flesh and blood.

As Meredith waited, she nervously tapped her foot against the floor and rotated the coffee mug in her hands. Those who said that waiting is the hardest part were so damn right. So so damn right. Waiting was definitely the hardest part of it all, and Meredith could not stand her wait any more.

The shrill, ringing sound of the doorbell pierced the silence of the house, causing Meredith to start and nearly spill the coffee from the mug. She quickly recovered from her sudden moment of surprise and deposited the cup of coffee safely on the table.

Getting up from the couch, Meredith hurried over to the door and turned the doorknob to swing it open. As the door swung open, Derek's smiling face and sparkling blue eyes appeared in front of her, making it hard for Meredith to breathe. The last time Meredith had opened the door to Derek, she had been met with the sight of Derek's guilt-ridden face, inevitably signalling that her marriage was in trouble. She had not been able to welcome Derek home, she had not been able to focus on anything else but the possibility that Derek had cheated on her. But, this time, this time, she had the satisfaction of knowing that her husband had not cheated on her or come back home to her out of guilt. This time, she could welcome her husband properly. This was what last time should have been like.

A faint sheen of tears appeared in Meredith's eyes as she gazed into Derek's fathomless blue irises, before she went forward and threw her arms around his neck, locking him in a fierce embrace. Derek's arms went around her waist as she hugged him tightly and whispered into his shoulder in a thick, emotional voice, "Welcome back, Derek. Welcome home."

_Wherever you go_

_Whatever you do_

_I will be right here waiting for you_

_Whatever it takes_

_Or how my heart breaks_

_I will be right here waiting for you_

_Waiting for you..._

* * *

**A/N: 10,000 words! I wrote 10,000 words for this chapter, and that's a big deal for me, because I have never written anything this long. That is also totally pointless, because it doesn't really concern the story, but, oh well...I didn't have anything to say at the end of this chapter, so I talked about the word count lol...**

**Let me know what you all think about this. Your thoughts mean the world to me, and I appreciate every single one of them :)**

**Song Lyrics from "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx **


	12. Back In My Arms Again

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the kind reviews on last chapter! I am truly grateful to each and every one of you. Your reviews mean everything to me...Without further ado, I give you the next update...**

* * *

_**Back In My Arms Again**_

_People always said that hindsight's twenty-twenty_

_And when it comes to mistakes in love, girl,_

_I've got plenty_

_But the one that sticks out the most in my mind_

_Is the night I left you on the front porch crying_

_Living for the day I could make it all up to you_

Derek focussed his eyes on the brain lying open in front of him as he performed the cranioplasty with utmost finesse. He was operating on a 4-year old child with craniosynostosis, and Arizona and Jackson were assisting him on the case since it was a paediatric craniofacial disorder. Arizona stood to his left and Jackson stood to his right, ready to take over from him when his job was done. The OR was unusually quiet that day and not even the nurses were chatting or gossiping. The three surgeons performed the procedure in silence as the clock ticked by, and it forced Derek to wonder whether his absence in the hospital had actually ended up alienating him from his colleagues.

"So...You came back from D.C..." Jackson remarked out of the blue, finally breaking the deafening silence that had been prevailing in the OR.

"Yeah...Yeah, I did..." Derek responded in a quiet voice, not sure of what to say to a remark like that. It had not been a question – it had been a plain statement and Derek had no idea what kind of response Jackson was expecting from him.

"That must have been hard for you. I mean, leaving a job in The White House – it was a dream opportunity," Jackson remarked casually, causing Derek to realize that Jackson was just attempting to make small talk with him.

"No...No, it wasn't. I had thought previously that it would be, but in reality, it was the easiest thing that I have ever had to do in my life. I...I wasn't happy, in D.C.," Derek said. He realized that it was the first time he was admitting it out loud – the fact that he had not been happy in D.C., the fact that he had been so lonely in D.C. and that he had missed his family so much.

Jackson arched an eyebrow as he eyed Derek carefully. "But, when you were here, you were sulking. You were sulking, and you wanted to go to D.C. How come you weren't happy there?"

Derek smiled ruefully under the surgical mask as he diverted his eyes from the skull of the patient and locked eyes with Jackson.

"I didn't have my family with me. I – I missed my home, my family. I missed my wife, my kids. I missed my life in Seattle..." Derek replied with a faraway look in his eyes.

Jackson nodded his head knowingly as he looked down at the patient's skull. "I get that...But, still, I mean, for someone like you, isn't it hard to leave a job in The White House and come back to a job where you have to work as a subordinate to your own sister?"

Derek wrinkled his forehead as he frowned. He had no idea what Jackson was aiming at, but that was definitely not a question he had expected. Caught off guard, Derek tried to find the right words in order to answer Jackson.

"I – that's not – no...I mean, nothing is more important to me than my family, Jackson. D.C. – it was just a job, and jobs come and go in your life. But, family – you get only one family in your life, and it's up to you to love and cherish it..."Derek said honestly, looking at the younger surgeon's face.

"Yeah...Yeah...Family is the most important thing..." Jackson murmured, nodding his head solemnly.

"Jackson, are you all right?" Arizona asked, speaking for the first time since she had entered the OR. She had been silently listening to the confab till then, and her high voice rang out in the silent OR.

"I'm fine," Jackson replied quickly, shaking his head as he turned his eyes back to the patient.

"How is April?" Derek asked, aware of the recent goings-on of the hospital. He had heard about what had happened to Jackson and April's baby, and Jackson seemed pretty shaken up from all of it.

Jackson's eyes snapped up to meet Derek's concerned blue irides, and after a minute of hesitation, Jackson said, "She – she's not handling...everything very well. I –"he sighed, "I am worried for her. She has become a shell of a person she used to be and I'm scared that I might be losing her..."

Derek's eyes softened as he heard Jackson's answer and he gave the younger surgeon a sympathetic look. "Jackson, I am sure she'll be alright. She is mourning right now, but after a certain time, she will be okay. Just have the faith," Derek said sympathetically.

"Derek is right, Jackson. Just give her some time; she is a strong person – I'm sure she'll get through this..." Arizona added in agreement.

Jackson breathed out. "I hope you guys are right. I just – you get only one family in your life, and I don't wanna lose my family..." he said after a minute of silence.

"You won't. Don't give up on the faith, and you won't lose your family," Derek said, hoping that it was applicable in his own case too. After all, he and Meredith were not in such a good place right now, and he was scared of losing Meredith – of losing his family too.

Jackson nodded. "Thanks, Derek. Thanks for the support..." Jackson said and then, tried to add in a cheerful tone, "And welcome back."

Derek smiled as he trained his eyes back on the surgery. "Thank you. It feels good to be back...It feels good to be home."

* * *

Derek walked towards the nurses' station after scrubbing out of the cranioplasty. He had been looking for his wife for the last few minutes, but he had been unable to locate her so far. He had checked the OR board, but Meredith's name had been nowhere on it, so he had no idea where to look for her. He had some free time before his next surgery and he wanted to spend it with his wife. It had been three days since his return from D.C. and he did not want to say it out loud lest it got jinxed, but things were looking up for him and Meredith. No – their marriage had not become perfect overnight, but there had been a shift in their relationship – a shift that he could not place a finger on.

As Derek approached the nurses' station, he spotted Nurse Olivia talking animatedly to Nurse Debbie. Leaning against the desk, Derek decided to ask the nurses whether they knew anything about his wife's whereabouts.

"Good morning, ladies," Derek said with a wide smile. The two nurses stopped chatting and turned their eyes towards him.

"Oh, Dr. Shepherd. Good morning. Nice to see you back here again," Olivia said with a smile of her own.

"Yeah, well, it's nice to be back..." Derek said, flashing them his best McDreamy smile.

"So, you're staying in Seattle, right? Or, are you going back to D.C.?" Debbie asked casually.

"Oh, definitely staying in Seattle," Derek replied.

"That's good. We missed our favourite neurosurgeon. And our McDreamy," Nurse Ellen, a nurse in her sixties, remarked suddenly as she came over to the station and joined in the confab. She turned her eyes to Derek with a playful smile and gave him a wink.

Derek blushed furiously on hearing that as he attempted to cover it up with a laugh. He knew that the nurses, old and young alike, drooled over him and called him McDreamy. But, still, hearing it from Ellen made him blush like a schoolboy as the three women giggled at the way he was blushing.

"That – that's good to know," Derek said smoothly as he recovered from his moment of mortification. "By the way, you guys, you don't happen to know where Meredith is, do you?"

Olivia said, "Oh, look Debbie, it has barely been a few hours since Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey came in for work together, and Dr. Shepherd is missing his wife already." She and Debbie laughed as they ribbed Derek, causing Derek's cheeks to be suffused with a faint pink tinge once again.

"Oh, hush, you two. Stop teasing him so much," Ellen chided the two younger nurses as she turned her eyes back to Derek. "Sorry, Dr. Shepherd. These two have missed you so much that now that you're back, they just can't put a sock in it. Dr. Grey, I think I saw her going inside on-call room 09 a while ago," Ellen said with a genial smile.

Derek nodded his head. "Thanks so much, Ellen. Have a good day," he continued, "You too, ladies. See you later." He flashed the three women another McDreamy smile and walked away from the nurses' station with the intention of going to on-call room 9.

"He is so adorable," Nurse Olivia remarked as she watched Derek's retreating back.

"He is. It's so good to have him back," Nurse Debbie agreed.

Ellen shook her head as she said, "He and Dr. Grey are so made for each other. They are still so much in love. They make a really beautiful couple."

"They do," the other two agreed.

Ellen's facial features softened a little as she said, "But, ever since Dr. Shepherd had gone to D.C., things were not looking so good for them. And even after he came back, Dr. Grey looked so sad and aloof. I hope those two are okay."

"I am sure they're fine. Marriage is like that only, sometimes happy, sometimes sad," Olivia replied.

"I hope so. I hope that the universe never tears these two apart. After everything they have gone through, they deserve to be together," Ellen said with a sigh as she stood at the station for a minute, before coming back to her senses and going about her work again.

* * *

_Till you're back in my arms, _

_Back in my arms again_

_Till you're back in my arms,_

_I'll be all lonesome till then_

_And honey, I won't eat and I won't even sleep_

_I'll be walking these soles off of both of my feet_

_Till you're back in my arms,_

_Back in my arms again_

Derek pushed open the door of on-call room 9 slowly as he peeked inside the dark room. He squinted his eyes to ascertain whether there was anyone occupying the room or not. He could make out the outline of someone lying on the bed, with the aid of the light that flooded the room from outside.

Walking inside the room, Derek closed the door and effectively plunged the room into darkness again. He slowly approached the bed, and he could clearly make out a woman's form lying there on her side. His eyes having adjusted to the darkness, he peered at the face of the sleeping woman to ascertain whether it was Meredith.

Derek shucked his lab coat and placing it aside, he slowly lowered himself onto the bed beside his wife. The old on-call room bed creaked slightly beneath his weight, causing the woman beside him to stir.

Derek moved a little to make himself comfortable on the small bed and this time, the woman lying beside him groaned loudly.

"God, no one is even going to let me sleep in peace!" she muttered under her breath as she rolled over on her back and turned her face crabwise to look at Derek with half-lidded eyes.

"Derek?" Meredith murmured hoarsely as she made out her husband's face in the dark.

"Hey," Derek murmured softly in a sheepish tone.

"You know, I was going to hit you right now because I thought you were some creep who was sneaking into bed with me to take advantage. You should really stop with this whole sneaking on me thing or you'll get yourself seriously injured someday..." Meredith remarked with a chuckle.

Derek shifted closer to his wife's body as he rolled on his side and raised himself up on an elbow. Looking down at his wife's face in the dark, he said, "Well, who else would dare to get into bed with you? Everyone in the hospital knows that you're taken."

This caused Meredith to giggle hoarsely. "Wow, Derek! Do you know how caveman-ish that sounded?"

"It's just the truth," Derek replied matter-of-factly and then chuckled. "Sorry for waking you up, by the way," he added.

"Nah, don't sweat it...I wasn't really sleeping; I had just fallen into a somnolent state," Meredith replied nonchalantly.

"Still...My plan was to sneak in bed quietly and hold you while you slept..." Derek said as he placed his right hand on Meredith's stomach affectionately.

Meredith placed her own hand on his as she said, "You are such a creep."

Derek frowned. "I am not a creep," he said defensively.

Meredith rolled her eyes in the dark, even though she knew that Derek wouldn't be able to see it. "Right. So, now that I'm wide awake, what do you wanna do?" she asked as she entwined her fingers with Derek's on the top of her stomach.

Derek smiled at his wife in the dark. "I dunno. I just wanted to spend some time with you before going back to work. Let's just...talk," he said softly.

"Talk? About what?" Meredith asked as she shifted even closer to Derek's body, so that their bodies were virtually touching everywhere. She relished the warmth emanating from her husband's body as she waited for his reply.

"Anything...Anything that doesn't concern the kids. Or work, or household stuff," Derek said and then continued, "You know, we never got around to follow that ten minute rule we made."

Meredith wrinkled her brows in confusion as she looked up at her husband. "What ten minute rule?"

Derek shook his head in partial amusement and partial amazement. "Mer, you forget so easily. Remember, the rules we made? There was a rule about talking to each other for at least 10 minutes a day about anything other than kids, work, family and all those stuff. Does it ring a bell?"

Derek's wife scrunched up her nose as she got a pensive look on her face. "Ohhhh... Yeah, I remember now..." she said sheepishly after a minute.

"Good...So, let's talk," Derek said as he laid his head on the pillow and looked at his wife's face.

"Hmm...But, you go first, because I'm not really very good with the talking thing. So, you have to take the lead," Meredith said as she rolled on her side too in order to face him. She shifted their entwined hands to rest on her hip and looked at him with a playful glint in her eyes.

Derek smiled at his wife's playfulness and said just as playfully, "Fine. What do you wanna talk about? Ask away, I'm an open book."

Meredith giggled at his response and then furrowed her eyebrows in order to think. The duo lay silently on the bed for a few minutes as Meredith tried to come up with something to talk about – something that she didn't know about her husband even after knowing him for about a decade.

Finally, after a few minutes, Meredith broke the silence that had descended upon them. "I – tell me something about your – your Dad..." she said in a sober tone as she looked carefully at her husband's face in the dark. "In all the years I have known you, you have always been so reluctant to talk about him...I know that it's difficult for you, but, tell me what he was like..." she said softly, watching her husband's face closely as she tightened her grip on his hand.

Derek's eyes sobered up immediately as he felt a lump form in his throat. After all these years, talking about his dad was still a difficult topic for him. He never talked about his father much because it was painful – it was painful, because he was still not over his father's death.

"I..." Derek murmured uncertainly as he felt the tears pricking his eyelids.

Meredith observed the look on Derek's face and immediately said, "Derek, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. It's ok, forget that I asked."

Derek closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath before opening his eyes and looking at his wife. Smiling slightly, he started to say, "My Dad...He was the best Dad one could ever have. He – he loved his family – us, so much that it's hard to describe it in words. Family, traditions and family values were extremely important to him. He was the perfect family man; we were always his top priority..." Derek trailed off as he smiled a little.

Meredith didn't say anything as Derek continued. "Dad used to take time off from work once every month in order to spend time with me...It'd be just me and him, away from all the girls, having some men time, even though I was only five back then..." Derek said with a small laugh.

"Yeah?" Meredith said softly as she smiled too.

"Yeah...And we used to ride on the ferryboats, because we both loved it so much...Some days, we'd just go for fishing to enjoy a day of relaxation and tranquillity, and some days, we'd spend the whole day going to Liberty, Ellis and Staten Islands...He would buy me ice-cream and funnel cakes, and...and...he would carry me on his shoulders and tell me stories of himself and my grandfather..."Derek trailed off, a faraway look in his eyes as all the past memories of his childhood days came rushing back to him. Memories of all those sunny days spent riding on his father's shoulders and hearing family tales from him flooded Derek's mind, causing a faint sheen to appear in his eyes. Tears – tears of nostalgia, tears of joy on remembering those happy days long gone.

Meredith didn't say anything as she noticed the way Derek's eyes shone as he spoke of his dad. Derek seemed to be in an entirely different era at the moment, and the sparkle in her husband's eyes was one that she had never witnessed before.

"You know, he loved looking at the skyline from the ferryboats...He had a thing for view..." Derek said in a hoarse whisper, his voice thick and laced with emotion. Meredith felt his grip on her hand tighten a bit, and she squeezed his hand silently as a gesture of support. He squeezed her hand back in response.

"You love views too..." Meredith whispered in the dark as she scooched closer to her husband's body, if that was even possible. Her and Derek's bodies were almost mashed together by that time, but it was in the chastest way possible. Meredith closed her eyes and let out a soft sigh as she waited for her husband to continue.

"When I was seven," Derek continued in a raspy voice, "Dad took me to Pier 1 in Brooklyn for the first time. He didn't tell me why we were going; he only said that I'd love it...and I did. He took me there to watch the sunset. We waited for the colourful, resplendent lights to light Manhattan and the Bridge...It was gorgeous..."he trailed off, his eyes glassy.

Meredith nodded softly, not saying anything to break the spell that Derek had fallen into. It was the first time she was seeing her husband like that – a completely new, different side to her husband that she had never seen before. Derek never talked about his dad – never, in all the years she had known him, and yet, that day, he was sharing so many warm, intimate, cherished memories of his father with her. It was special, and Meredith did not want to say anything to undermine the peace and tranquillity of the special moment.

"One year, I and my sisters – we tried to make a surprise dinner for Dad on his birthday. It was a disaster – a complete and utter disaster, because Nancy was only eleven back then," Derek said with a small laugh. "We all but burnt the chicken, and we accidentally poured salt in the dessert instead of sugar..." he said with a chortle and Meredith giggled softly on hearing that. "But, you know what Dad did? He ate it – he actually ate the salty dessert and the overcooked chicken, and he praised us...he praised our cooking just so that we wouldn't be disappointed, just so that we would be happy..." Derek said, his voice thickening once more. "That was Dad, you know...He could do anything – anything for his family. He treasured us like we were the most precious jewels in the world..." Derek's voice faltered this time, not being able to say any more as he choked back on a sob.

"Oh, Derek..." Meredith whispered in his neck as she lifted her arm and wrapped it around his torso tightly. Derek gasped slightly as hot tears streamed down his cheeks and he wrapped his arms tightly around his wife to gain strength from her. His teardrops fell on top of Meredith's head as he cried silently, a strange mixture of aching grief and staggering happiness coursing through his heart.

"You are so much like him...He would have been very proud of you," Meredith whispered as she pressed a soft kiss to his neck and rubbed his back with her palm, knowing that it was the best she could do to comfort him at the moment. Her statement caused more tears to spill from Derek's eyes as he closed his eyes tightly and pressed his lips to Meredith's crown, trying to regain his composure. Minutes ticked by as the duo lay together in silence, their shallow breaths being the only source of sound in the quiet. No words needed to be exchanged between them as tears continued to stream down from Derek's eyes.

"I – I miss him so much..." Derek whispered after a long moment, having gathered himself somewhat. Meredith nodded her head softly in understanding as she continued rubbing slow circles on his back with her palm in order to offer comfort to him.

"I know, I know," she whispered back just as softly as she kept her arm wrapped around him as tightly as before. A pregnant silence fell over them once more as Derek became lost in the web of his father's memories once more. The memories of the glorious, golden days that Derek had spent with his dad years ago, came rushing back to him with such force that he felt like it had only been a few days ago, not years.

After a long, interminable moment, Derek finally gathered himself together and raised his palms to wipe his wet cheeks. He gave a small laugh as he said, "Look at me, I am crying like a big baby here," and tried to lighten the mood a bit.

Meredith remained silent as she pulled back from him slightly and gave him a small smile, amazed by her husband's strength and spirit. She had always known that Derek was an impossibly strong person, but she had never really seen this facet of his strength.

"You know, you should feel pretty special and lucky right now," Derek said, still trying to lighten the mood with his feeble attempt at humour. "I have never told anyone all these things about my dad -well anyone but my sisters and Mom," he said as he gave his wife a full-blown smile to assure her that he was okay.

Meredith's eyes were imbued with surprise instantly as she opened her mouth and asked in a surprised voice, "Really? No one? Not even Mark? Or Addison?"

Derek shook his head as his lips remained curved into a soft smile. "Nope...Not even Addison or Mark."

Derek watched as Meredith's mouth fell open slightly in astonishment, but she quickly recovered from it. For a moment, he just watched as his wife got a pensive look on her face as she tried to find the right words to say.

"That's – that's...Derek, I – thank you. I feel – I am glad and...and honoured that you felt that you could share these intimate memories of your Dad and you with me. Thank you," Meredith finally managed to say in a soft voice.

Derek smiled as he watched his wife's eyes sparkle in a way they hadn't sparkled in a long time. "A simple thank you won't do, Dr. Grey. A story for a story," he whispered as he inched his face closer to hers, their foreheads brushing together.

Meredith raised an eyebrow in confusion. "A story for a story?" she repeated, waiting for him to elaborate.

Derek nodded his head. "Yeah. I told you something about me. Now, you have to tell me something about you. So, what's your story?" he asked, reminding Meredith of the night when they first met.

Meredith smiled warmly as the cherished memory of their first meeting came back to her and replied, "I am guessing that I can't really get out of this by saying that I don't have a story?"

Derek grinned at the reference she made to their first night together at Joe's bar. "No – no, you can't..." he said.

Meredith pretended to let out a dramatic sigh as she cleared her throat softly and then said, "Well, let me see...I – I don't really know what to say, so...What do you wanna know?"

Derek pressed his lips together as he racked his brains to come up with something. After a minute of rumination, he finally said, "Hmm...Since I told you something about my childhood, I think you should share something about your childhood too."

Meredith breathed out loudly as she processed Derek's statement silently. "Derek," she said, "You know that – that my childhood...it was nothing like yours...I – I don't have memories of holidays and Sundays and birthday parties...I – I don't have any of those pleasant childhood memories. What am I gonna tell you about?"

Derek's eyes softened as he raised his hand to cup his wife's cheek with his palm. "Mer, I know that...I know that you didn't exactly have the childhood one hopes for, but still...There must be something good associated with your childhood, something worth sharing..."

Derek watched his wife's face carefully as she remained silent, apparently trying to think of something to say. He hated the fact that Meredith had had a horrible childhood, but he was sure that she must have some good memories associated with her childhood too. No matter what a bad mother Ellis had been, Ellis had loved Meredith in her own twisted way.

"Hmmm..." Meredith huffed as she closed her eyes for a brief moment before opening them and looking into Derek's eyes. "Well, I don't know if this is a good memory or a bad memory, but it kind of came back to me after a long time, so I should probably tell you about it..." she said and paused. "I – when I was four years old, that is before my Dad left me and Mom, I actually celebrated my birthday for the first and last time in my entire life. I remember...Dad had taken the responsibility of throwing me a birthday party, and he had invited all my friends from preschool. And, he had ordered a chocolate cake for me, even though my favourite was strawberry..." Meredith trailed off, sighing softly.

"And Thatcher gifted me a toy cart to ride in...And Mom – I think it was the only birthday of mine on which Mom was not at the hospital. She was – she was actually there for the party, and she gave me the Anatomy Jane doll as a gift...And Richard had been there too. Mom had probably invited him, and he gave me a tricycle...It was by far, the best birthday I ever had, with both of my parents..."Meredith murmured softly, averting her eyes for a moment. "I know that that was probably not what you wanted to know, but...Yeah, that's it. The best memory of my childhood..."

Derek gazed silently at his wife's face for a long moment, causing Meredith to feel embarrassed.

"Derek – I –"Meredith started to say, but her sentence was cut short.

"Mer, you don't have to feel embarrassed about it, you know. It's – it's not your fault that that is the only good memory that you have of your childhood. And I am happy, I am happy that you at least got to celebrate your birthday properly for once. Your parents owed it to you, big time," Derek said, leaning forward and pressing his lips to his wife's forehead.

"Mmmhmm..."Meredith hummed softly as she let Derek kiss her forehead and wrap his arms around her in a bear hug.

Derek held his wife in his arms like that after ages, and he couldn't describe in words how special it felt. He lay there, holding his wife for the longest time as both of them relished the feeling of being in each other's arms after such a long time.

Suddenly, a beeping noise penetrated the thick, companionable silence of the room, causing Meredith and Derek to break away from their hug and huff in annoyance at being disturbed.

"Damn it!" Derek exclaimed as he looked down at his pager clipped to his waistband to check if he was being paged.

"It's me," Meredith said as she raised herself into a sitting position within a wink of the eye and started fixing her messed-up ponytail.

"911?" Derek asked as he remained in his supine position and watched his wife straighten her scrubs.

"Yeah," Meredith murmured and threw him an apologetic look before grabbing her lab coat from the other end of the bed.

"See you later," she said as she bent down and pressed a quick kiss to Derek's cheek before clambering out of the bed and shrugging on her coat.

"Yeah, see you later..." Derek mumbled as he watched Meredith throw him one last smile before walking out of the on-call room. Lying on the now empty bed, Derek sighed loudly and rolled over on his stomach, burying his face in the pillow. His and Meredith's talk had been going so well, but he might as well catch some sleep now that their talk had been cut short so abruptly.

* * *

_Well I'm getting to know this old town like never before_

_Walking every street, knocking on every door_

_Girl, wherever you are, I want you back_

_I love you, baby and I'm sure about that_

_Whatever it takes, there's nothing that I won't do_

Derek sat in the attendings' lounge, flipping through some neuro journals to kill time before his next surgery. After the cranioplasty he had performed earlier in the morning, his day had taken up a rather slow pace. While he was happy to be back in Seattle, he did occasionally miss all the tricky cases he used to scrub in on previously. He had been damn lucky that his sister and his boss – Amelia had been a tad late to work that day; that was the only reason he had got to perform the cranioplasty in the morning.

As Derek flipped a page of his journal idly, the door of the attendings' lounge swung open and someone said in a rather loud voice, "Well, there you are, jerk!"

Derek looked up from the pages of his journal at the loud exclamation and locked eyes with midnight blue irides resembling his own.

"Amy?" Derek asked in a confounded tone. "Well, that's a nice way to greet your brother. What did I do now?" he asked sarcastically.

"What did you not do?" Amelia asked as she walked inside the lounge and stood in front of her brother.

Derek huffed. "Amy, if this is about the cranioplasty that I performed earlier without consulting you first, then please – you were late. It was not my fault that you didn't get to scrub in on it."

Amelia wrinkled her eyebrows in confusion. "What cranioplasty? I was not talking about a surgery – but wait, you performed a major procedure without running it by me first?"

"I told you – you were late. I don't think it counts as insubordination when my boss is late and I take up a procedure in her stead. But, if you weren't talking about the surgery, what were you talking about then?"

Amelia rolled her eyes. "It may not count as insubordination, but that doesn't mean you won't hear from me about it, because I still missed out on a cool surgery...Ass!" Amelia grumbled as she smacked the back of Derek's head lightly with her hand.

Derek winced. "Ow! What was that for?"

"For snatching a cool case away from me," Amelia replied and then, smacked his head once more.

"Amy! Now, what the hell was that for?" Derek exclaimed as he moved out of Amelia's reach and rubbed the back of his head with his palm.

"That – was for being a jerk," Amelia said like she was stating the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why am I a jerk?" Derek asked as Amelia moved over and seated herself on the couch beside him.

Amelia rolled her eyes once more and gave him a pointed look. "Oh please, don't act like you are the most innocent person on Earth..."

"But, what did I do?" Derek asked, still lost as to what Amelia was trying to refer to.

Amelia glared at him. "You – you kissed your research fellow back in D.C. I know, Meredith told me," she said through gritted teeth.

Derek's eyes widened with surprise upon hearing Amelia's words. "You – you know? Meredith told you?"

"Yes, I do. Now, stop repeating everything I say, jerk!" Amelia exclaimed with a huff.

Derek sat mum for a minute as he looked away from his sister. After a pause, he said, "I – I thought that Meredith didn't want anyone to know about...it. That's why I didn't tell you. I mean, I am not proud to admit what I did, but there were a lot of times when I wanted to talk to my sister and vent, but I didn't because I thought that Meredith didn't want it to get out. I kept quiet thinking about her, and now, now, she goes ahead and tells you herself, without even bothering to discuss it with me first..."

Amelia threw her brother a glare as she reached up to smack his head again. "Jerk, now don't pick up a fight with Meredith about that..." she said angrily.

"Ow! Amy, stop doing that!" Derek said, "And I wasn't going to pick up a fight with Meredith about it. I was just saying that –"

"Oh, I know what you were saying, alright. Your voice right there, it was a total giveaway about how you're planning to pick up another fight with Meredith over that later. That little accusatory tone you picked up when you said, 'But she didn't even bother to discuss it with me first' etcetera etcetera..." Amelia said with a sarcastic snort.

Derek gave her a confused look. "Amy, I wasn't going to pick up a fight with Meredith. I just would have liked it better if she had told me that she was going to tell you, then I would have –"

"Then you would have what? Derek, I am your sister, I know you very well. This whole thing was going to turn into another big fight for you and Meredith. You know, just because I am your sister, it doesn't mean that Meredith can't tell me things without running it past you. She is allowed to tell me things of her own accord – I am her sister too," Amelia said matter-of-factly.

"I never said that you weren't..."

Amelia ignored Derek's comment and continued, "You know, I wasn't going to say this at first, because it's not really my place to say, but this is your and Meredith's problem. The whole blame game. You two are always looking for the slightest opportunity to blame the other, and at the mere opportunity, you two pounce upon each other and start blaming each other and pick fights..."

Derek frowned as he processed Amelia's words. "Amy, you don't know what you're talking about. I and Meredith are not like that...You are entirely wrong. You don't know a thing about my and Meredith's relationship, so keep your mouth shut," he retorted angrily, feeling affronted.

Amelia shrugged. "I don't know, Derek. Am I really wrong? I could be, but you ask yourself if I didn't see it right. From the moment I have arrived in Seattle, I have noticed this blaming each other thing that you and Meredith do, and it seems to me that most of your problems are caused due to that. Maybe it's a recent thing, or maybe I'm entirely off-base, but I'm just stating what I noticed..." she trailed off.

Derek kept silent for a minute before shaking his head adamantly. "Amy, it's nothing like that. You couldn't be more in the wrong. You – you are reading too much into things you don't know anything about," he said tartly, his voice filled with denial and confidence.

Amelia breathed out loudly before saying, "Fine. Forget it. Forget I mentioned it...So, coming back to the topic at hand, what on Earth were you thinking?!" She raised her eyebrows disbelievingly.

Derek wrinkled his brow as he looked away sheepishly. "I – I don't know...I don't know..." he murmured honestly.

"How come you don't know? You are the one who did it, Derek. You have to know."

"But, I don't. I really don't," Derek replied with a frustrated sigh. "I just – I and Meredith were having problems, and...I don't know..." he trailed off.

"That's not an excuse. Just because you and Meredith were having problems doesn't mean that you can go and k –"

"I know that!" Derek snapped at her, cutting her off. "I wasn't stating it as an excuse; I know what I did was wrong and I was not defending it. You have no idea how much I regret it, so please don't come judging me," he added in an irritable tone, stunning Amelia into silence. He sighed inaudibly as he realized just how snappy he had been with his sister, and he looked up at Amelia apologetically. "Sorry, Amy. I – I didn't mean to snap...I know you mean well and – sorry."

Amelia shook her head as she said, "No, it's fine. You are right; I was being a little judgemental here...I just...I am just concerned for Meredith; she is still pretty shaken up from all this and...I just wanted to make sure that you were not running away from your problems again," she said and then added sceptically, "You aren't, right?"

Derek shook his head. "No, of course not. I and Meredith – we are working on things, on _us._ Yeah, things haven't really been that easy, and I doubt they will be in the future, but we are ploughing along..." he said with a sigh.

"That's good. I mean, not the things being rough part, because that's not good. You and Mer working on it is good...And I'm sure you two will get there...To the happily ever after part," Amelia rambled slightly.

"Yeah, I hope so. On most days, I believe that we'll make it through this. Most days, but sometimes, I am forced to doubt my own unwavering faith on me and Meredith, you know? When things aren't that easy, I – I sometimes let myself give in to my fears and doubts," Derek answered, voicing his fears to someone for the first time. Meredith had always been the more pessimistic one in their relationship, and he had always been the more optimistic one. So, naturally, when Meredith was scared, he was there to offer her the support, reassurance and faith she needed. But, what about the time when he himself was scared? Who would reassure him when he needed it? Who would give him the support that he provided to Meredith?

Amelia gave her brother a sympathetic look as she shifted closer to him. "I believe that you will get through this. You are not the only one who has the faith – I have faith in the two of you too. Unwavering faith," she said with a supportive smile.

"Yeah?" Derek asked, looking up at his sister.

"Yes. You just – you need not to give up. Just keep moving, no matter how many roadblocks you face. And before you know it, you'll be there. The rainbows and unicorns part," Amelia said, attempting to throw in a bit of humour.

Derek looked at his sister with a crooked smile. "Thanks, Amy. That was – that was good advice. I can't believe that my own little sister can give me relationship advice now. Have you just grown up that much or have I just become that pathetic?" he said with a chuckle.

"Maybe a little bit of both," Amelia said with a smirk as she bumped her shoulder against her brother's playfully. "And, I am not that good when it comes to relationships. If I was, my own relationships wouldn't have been so...complicated," Amelia added soberly, reflecting on her and Owen's current, precarious condition.

Derek raised an eyebrow. "What relationship are you talking about? As far as I know, your engagement with James went downhill only because you two didn't want the same things. And since then, you have been single. So, what complications are you talking about?" he said and then added, "Wait, you are single, aren't you?"

Amelia realized that she might have said a little too much. Derek still had no clue about her and Owen, and thankfully so, because she did not want Derek to know anything before she was a bit surer about where she and Owen stood. That was why she had asked Meredith not to tell Derek anything, and from the looks of it, Meredith had kept her word. "Oh, yes, yes. Absolutely. I am totally single. I was just – I was talking about my relationships in general, not any specific one," Amelia said quickly to cover up her slip of tongue.

Derek still looked at her dubiously, but thankfully, he dropped the subject. "Ok," he said tersely.

"Cool," Amelia said, grimacing mentally at how breezy she sounded. She had attempted to sound breezy and casual about it, but maybe she had overdone it. "Uh – and besides, I didn't come here to talk about my relationships. I came here to talk about yours," Amelia said, quickly changing the topic before it wandered off into dangerous territory.

Derek frowned. "You still have more to say? I thought your advice giving session was over. Besides, I don't think I am very comfortable discussing my marriage with my younger sister," he said light-heartedly.

Amelia shot him a pointed look. "Stop being a jerk. I am not giving you advice, we are just talking. Now, don't tell me that you have a problem in talking with me too."

"I don't have a problem with talking. It's just – taking relationship advice from my younger sister is a little harsh to my ego."

Amelia gave him a sarcastic smile. "Oh really? Do you think I care about your bruised ego all that much?"

Derek only shrugged in response and gave her a wide grin.

"Stop grinning like a fool for no reason. And put the joking aside. We have more serious things to talk about," Amelia said and continued, "I know it hurts your ego to hear these things from your little sister, but if Mom had been here, she would have definitely given you a talking-to about this. And since she is not here, someone has to fill in for her. So, put your ego aside, because your little sister is going to give you Mom's talk."

Derek frowned slightly as he said, "But why do I need a talking-to?"

Amelia rolled her eyes. "Because you are an idiot. Now, idiot, listen to me. And don't ask me why again – sometimes, you need to listen to your little sister too, because after all, I am a woman and I know how women's brains are wired."

Derek raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "Seriously, Amy? That was so cliché."

Amelia shot him a death glare that sent the message to Derek loud and clear. When he had shut his mouth, Amelia spoke, "Knowing you, I am assuming that you must be doing everything to make it up to Meredith, and that's good. But, making it up to her doesn't only mean being McDreamy and doing cheesy things for her. That's all good and stuff, but remember, your actions caused her to lose a piece of trust in you and your love for her. And knowing Meredith, that piece means a huge chunk. So, in order to get back that huge chunk, you should do something to reassure her of your love again," Amelia said knowingly.

Derek wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion. "Like what?"

Amelia shot him a confused look. "Like what what?"

"What do you think I should do in order to reassure Meredith of my love again?"

Realization dawned on Amelia and she said, "Oh. Yeah, that...Um – I – I think refreshing your relationship would be a good place to begin with. You know, like hitting the reset button on your marriage. Kind of like starting over, starting fresh," Amelia finished smoothly, looking quite pleased with herself.

"Really?"Derek said sceptically. "You think that would work?"

Amelia nodded. "It should, as far as I see it. Now, if it doesn't work, then..." she trailed off.

"Then what?"

Amelia shot him a furious glare. "Don't ask me that!" she exclaimed irritably. "Figure it out on your own. If I tell you everything, what will you do on your own?"she asked rhetorically, shaking her head in disapproval. "There's only so much that _I _can do for you, you know."

Derek laughed at Amelia's response. "For someone who is filling in Mom's shoes, that doesn't sound like something Mom would say. You are a terrible advisor," Derek laughed.

Amelia slapped her brother's arm in response. "You are an idiot! Here I am, trying to help you, and you are making fun of me? I don't know why I bother talking to you," she said testily.

Derek continued laughing as he wrapped an arm around his sister's shoulder. "Oh, Amy, I was just kidding, you know. I do appreciate you giving me all the 'sage' advice. I found it helpful, even though bits of it were funny," he added with a chuckle.

Amelia huffed as her brother tried to pull her into a sideways hug.

"Oh, come on! You won't even hug your brother now? I was kidding, Ames. I really do appreciate you sitting down with me to give me the 'talk.' Thank you. You were right, I needed it," Derek said gravely as he gave her a warm smile.

Amelia finally caved in on hearing that and let Derek pull her into a full-blown bear hug. She smiled as she said, "You're welcome," she said proudly and then added in a more serious tone, "Derek – you and Meredith – you guys are my family. And, I have to do everything I can to keep my family from falling apart. Everyone has to do their bit in order to keep their family together and happy. I wanted to do my bit too," she finished on an inaudible sigh.

Derek smiled as he nodded his head and kept his little sister locked in the hug. They say it right - family is like music, some high notes, some low notes, but always a beautiful song...

_I must have been a fool, I confess_

_To ever let you go but I ain't gonna rest_

* * *

After scrubbing out of her bowel resection surgery, Meredith entered the attendings' lounge with her lab coat draped over her arm. She was done for the day, and she was planning to change into her street clothes and then text her husband to ask when he would be done. Maybe, if Derek was done for the day too, then Derek, she and the kids could all go home together – something that she didn't have the privilege of doing in the last few months.

As Meredith took her bag out and started pulling her clothes out, her phone beeped, signalling a new text message. Meredith stopped doing what she was doing and picked up her phone to check the text message.

It was a message from Derek. She wondered briefly why he was texting her now, and opened her inbox to read his message.

"_Meredith, I am still stuck in surgery, so you take the kids and go home. Amy is getting off now, so she will pick up the kids from the daycare and go home with you all. She will be waiting for you in the lobby. See you soon –D"_

Meredith frowned with disappointment as she read the message. Her heart sank as all her earlier plans about going home with her family came crashing down. Of course, he was still in surgery – what had she been thinking? They never got to go home together – _never. _She had been stupid to have even thought about it. Shaking her head, Meredith set her phone aside with a frustrated sigh and walked inside the changing room.

Fifteen minutes later, Meredith carried her legs towards the hospital lobby so that she could finally go home. Spotting her sister-in-law and her kids sitting on the chairs, Meredith walked over and greeted them.

"Hey, Amy," Meredith said as Zola immediately jumped out of the chair and wrapped her arms around her mother's waist. "And hey, princess," Meredith said with a smile as she hugged Zola back.

"Hey, Mer," Amelia said with a wide grin as she picked Bailey up in her arms and passed a furtive glance towards Zola.

"Mommy, come on, let's go home!" Zola squealed as she jumped up and down excitedly. Meredith wrinkled her brows at Zola's uncharacteristic enthusiasm about going home and looked at her sister-in-law, only to find that Amelia was exchanging secret looks with Zola.

"What's going on?" Meredith asked, bewildered by everyone's weird behaviour. "Am I missing out on something?"

Amelia looked up at Meredith immediately and shook her head. "Uh, no, no, nothing. Zola is just – she wants to go home 'cause she is tired."

Meredith raised an eyebrow at her sister-in-law. "Tired? For a tired girl, she sure is jumping around a lot," Meredith remarked doubtfully.

"Oh, Meredith, she is a child. You are reading way too much into this. Let's just go home," Amelia said casually.

"Okay," Meredith replied, still a little confused as to what was going on. Taking Bailey from Amelia's arms, she took Zola's hand and the quartet started walking out of the lobby together, Meredith completely unaware of what was really going on.

_Till you're back in my arms again, _

_Back in my arms again_

_Till you're back in my arms_

_I'll be all lonesome till then_

_And, honey, I won't eat and I won't even sleep_

_I'll be walking these soles off of both of my feet_

_Till you're back in my arms,_

_Back in my arms again..._

* * *

**A/N: So, Amelia gave Derek Mama Shepherd's talk. And Meredith didn't tell Derek about her panic attack. And now, something is going on which Meredith knows nothing about. I think that was plenty of progress for one chapter, wasn't it? ;) I tried to lighten things up a bit in this chapter, since I have given you loads of angst in the last few ones...**

**So, what do you think is going on between Amelia and Zola? You are in for a little surprise, that's for sure. If you have any theories about what Amelia's secret agenda could be, then feel free to share it with me. I may post a few pic teasers for the next chapter on twitter sometime this week...**

**Let me know what you think about this chapter. I appreciate all your thoughts :)**

**Song Lyrics from "Back In My Arms Again" by Kenny Chesney **

**~ooOOoo~**

**A reply to the reviews –**

**bhavyam1998 – **Thanks for reading and reviewing! I know Meredith's condition is pretty bad right now, but I promise it will get better. Thanks!

**oolivchen – **Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm so glad to hear that, and your review made mine too! :)

**Patsy – **Thank you so much for your kind words! They made my day. And thanks for sharing your idea about Mer going back to Neuro again – I have mulled it over and I may incorporate it in the story. Thanks!

**msnovelist – **Thanks for reading and reviewing, Hel! I'm glad you liked Mer/Amy's interaction so much. Thank you!

**SasiMarie – **Thank you for your sweet words! I'm extremely happy that you liked it so much. I loved writing about the Mer/Amy part too. And, looks like you guessed it right about Amelia knocking some sense into Derek! Thanks!

**Charlotte – **Thank you so much! I am currently debating whether Mer should go back to Neuro, and yes, I would love it if Mer wins a Harper Avery too! I have wanted that for her for so long! Thanks for the review!

**Jill – **Thank you! Your lovely review brightened up my day. I do see that a lot of you want another baby for MerDer, but I can't reveal whether that's going to happen or not just yet. So, I guess you will have to stay tuned to see if it comes up in the later chapters or not ;) Thanks!

**Paisley Mae – **Thank you so much, Nicole! No need to apologize, I totally get how busy RL keeps all of us. The fact that you spare the time to leave me a review is more than enough for me! And seeing your review is always a bright spot in my day. Thanks!

**Susan – **Thank you! I am so glad that you think so about my story. Hope you liked this chapter as well!

**Guest –** Thanks for the review!

**Linda – **Thank you so much! Your review made my day! Hope you liked this chapter!


	13. The Lady in Red

**A/N: Thanks a lot for the lovely reviews on last chapter! They make my day! Now, I know that I made you wait a bit for this, but I think that you'll like this...**

* * *

_**The Lady in Red**_

_I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight_

_I've never seen you shine so bright_

_I've never seen so many men ask you_

_If you wanted to dance_

_They're looking for a little romance,_

_Give 'em half a chance_

Meredith unlocked the front door of the house and swung it open, letting Amelia and the kids walk inside. She then followed them and closed the door behind her.

"Mer," Amelia said as she turned around, "Why don't you go upstairs and take a nice, long bath? You must be exhausted; you need it. I'll take care of the kids." Amelia gave Meredith a wide smile.

Meredith took off her overcoat and hung it on the peg as she mulled over Amelia's suggestion. "But, I need to make dinner. And besides, you are coming from work too, you are pretty exhausted yourself. I'll take the bath later on," Meredith replied as she shook her head and started moving towards the kitchen.

However, before Meredith could take two steps, Amelia came and blocked her way. "Wait," Amelia said, "I was thinking that...maybe, we should order pizza for dinner tonight. It'll save us a lot of time and the kids haven't had pizza in so long." Amelia turned towards Zola and Bailey sitting on the couch and asked, "Hey, how about we have pizza tonight? Does that sound good?"

Zola immediately jumped off the couch and ran over to Amelia. "Yes, yes, yes! I wanna have pizza, Aunt Amy!" Zola exclaimed enthusiastically as Bailey joined in with his sister.

"Piza, piza!" Bailey parroted his sister.

Meredith furrowed her eyebrows. "But, ZoZo, we had pizza just a few days ago. Are you sure you want to have pizza again?"

"Yes, Mommy! You ask too much questions," Zola said as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. "We'll eat pizza and then we'll wa –"Zola started to say but stopped midway when Amelia gave her a look.

"Then what?" Meredith prodded Zola, noticing the look that had passed between Zola and her aunt.

"Then nothing," Amelia finished for Zola as she turned back to Meredith. "Mer, Zola's right. You ask too many questions. You're like the FBI. Now, why don't you go and take that bath while I and Princess order dinner?"

Meredith opened her mouth to say something in protest, but Amelia cut her off before she could even utter a syllable.

"No ifs and buts. Go take a nice, warm bubble bath and get freshened up. You need it for tonight," Amelia said as she started pushing Meredith towards the hallway leading to the bedrooms.

"I need it for tonight? Why? What's special about tonight?" Meredith asked as she stopped and looked back at Amelia.

Amelia's expression was that of a child who gets caught red-handed while stealing cookies. "Uh – um –"Amelia fumbled for something to say. "Nothing. Nothing special. Just – you must be exhausted tonight, that's why you need it, yeah," Amelia finished, hoping it sounded convincing.

Meredith could not get the hang of what was going on. Amelia was behaving strangely. Heck, even her kids were behaving strangely. What was wrong with them?

Sighing, Meredith gave in. She knew that there was no point in asking Amelia what was up, because she wasn't going to get a real answer. So, Meredith gave up and said, "Okay, order the pizza and I'll be right back," and started walking towards her bedroom.

"No need to hurry, take your time," Amelia answered as she watched her sister-in-law walk down the hallway. Amelia then turned to Zola and grinned. "Phase 1 of the plan – done!" Amelia exclaimed as she held her palm up to high-five Zola.

"Yes!" Zola said as she high-fived her aunt and giggled. "We are gonna have so much fun tonight, aren't we, Auntie Amy?"

Amelia giggled as she replied, "Yes, Princess! We just need to put the rest of the plan into action!"

And with that, Amelia set forth to work on phase 2 of her plan. Amelia Shepherd was on a mission that night, and it was time to carry on with the rest of the mission.

* * *

Meredith walked over to the bed in her sweats as she towelled her hair dry. She couldn't thank Amelia more for pushing her to take the bath; she had really needed it after the long day she had had. Soaking in the warm, soapy water had felt too good to describe in words. Meredith definitely felt fresher than she had felt when she had arrived home.

But, there had been just one tiny flaw that had prevented the bubble bath from being perfect. Derek. Meredith had missed her husband while she had been soaking in her bathtub. She knew that he was busy saving someone's life right now, but that didn't stop her from missing him. She still longed for him – she still wished that Derek had been there to soak in the tub with her. If Derek had shared the bath with her, the bath would have been more perfect.

Sighing, Meredith cast the wet towel aside carelessly and dropped down on the bed, looking at her phone placed on the night table. She wanted to call Derek so bad at that moment, but she didn't want to come across as a needy, clingy wife. She had already showcased herself as a clingy wife when Derek had been in D.C. – she didn't need to add more to that. So, suppressing her surprisingly elemental urge to call her husband and hear his voice, Meredith looked away from her phone and decided to go check on what Amelia and the kids were up to.

However, before Meredith could get up from the bed, the door of her bedroom opened and Amelia peeked inside.

"Hey, I hope I didn't disturb you, did I?" Amelia asked as she stepped inside the room and Meredith noticed a large shopping bag in her hands.

"No, you didn't. I was just coming out to check on you guys. Where are the kids?" Meredith queried, eyeing the bag in Amelia's hands.

"Oh, the kids are playing in the playroom. I ordered the pizza too, it should be here soon. So, did the bath feel good?" Amelia asked as she walked over to where Meredith was seated.

"Yeah, it did. It felt amazingly good, so thanks for that," Meredith rejoined with a smile.

"See, I told you so," Amelia said with a laugh and then looked at Meredith nervously. "Um, Mer, I – I need to tell you something."

Meredith raised an eyebrow but she didn't feel surprised. From the way Amelia had been behaving earlier, Meredith had sensed that Amelia was up to something. Finally, Amelia was going to tell Meredith exactly what was going on.

"Yeah, go on," Meredith said as she looked at the bag in Amelia's hands. "What's in the bag?"

Amelia licked her lips nervously as she said, "Yeah, it's about this. Um – I, I bought a dress for myself about a week ago. It's brand new, but I – uh – I found out that it doesn't fit me...So, I was thinking that...I was thinking if you tried it out and it fit you, then I wouldn't have to throw it away." Amelia finished, looking at Meredith with pleading eyes.

Meredith wrinkled her brow in confusion. "Amelia, first of all, you bought the dress, right? So, how come it doesn't fit you? You must have tried it on when you bought it," Meredith pointed out.

Amelia bit her lip as she replied, "Actually, I didn't buy this myself...I – uh – Owen bought it for me. Yeah, he – he bought it for me as a surprise gift, but he didn't know my size, so...And the shop from where he bought this, you can't return things after purchase. And this is an expensive dress – it's vintage. So, I thought, why not ask you to try it on? I mean, if it fits you, you can keep it; it's not like it's second-hand. I've tried it on only once. You keeping it is better than me throwing it into a corner of my wardrobe and letting it catch dust," Amelia finished her long-winded ramble.

"But, Amy, you know I don't wear fancy dresses – "Meredith started to say.

"It's not fancy!" Amelia piped up. "Believe me, it's very comfy, the kind of dress you like to wear. Very comfy and laid-back and not fancy at all. And the colour, it'll look amazing on you. Just try it on once, please Mer? This dress is too good to be thrown away," Amelia said in her best persuasive tone.

Meredith opened her mouth to demur, but then closed it. It was just a dress, after all. She could always throw it away if she didn't like it. And besides, it was not like it was going to fit her anyway. It couldn't hurt to try it on once, could it? Breathing out loudly, Meredith said, "Fine. I'll try it on. But, if it's too fancy and high-class for my liking, I'm not keeping it, alright?" She took the bag from Amelia's hands and stood up.

"Of course," Amelia said with a smile as Meredith walked away towards the closet with the bag. As the closet door slammed shut, Amelia did a little fist pump in triumph before pulling her phone out of her pocket. Typing something on it, Amelia smiled and placed the phone back in her pocket. Phase 2 of the plan was almost done. She felt a little bad for lying to Meredith, but oh well, it hadn't exactly been a lie. Owen did get her a Carine Roitfeld dress about a week ago as a gift, but Meredith didn't need to know yet that this dress wasn't the one that Owen had got her. For now, Meredith had to live in the bubble that Amelia was creating.

* * *

Meredith ran her hands over the soft, smooth fabric of the dress as she stood in front of the mirror in the closet and looked at herself. Amelia hadn't been wrong – the dress really was beautiful, and it was definitely not one of those fancy, high-class, over-the-top dresses that Meredith hated. The dress was simple, comfortable yet elegant, plus, it didn't look half bad on Meredith and it fit perfectly too.

Meredith turned sideways as she looked at her reflection in the glass and admired the dress. It was a red cotton knee-length dress, with a deep V-neck and cap sleeves. The sheath hugged Meredith's curves perfectly, not in a slutty way but in an elegant and classy way. Meredith had never been a fan of dresses or skirts, but this one definitely sat well on her body. The dress made her look good, it made her feel good.

Sighing softly, Meredith turned a little again to admire the dress from another angle, before deciding that her activities were borderlining on narcissism. Shaking her head, she stepped away from the mirror and moved towards the door.

As Meredith opened the door of the walk-in closet and came out, she saw Amelia sitting on the edge of the bed and typing on her phone. Amelia was so engrossed in her phone that she didn't even look up when Meredith came out of the closet.

"Not that it's any of my business, but texting Owen?" Meredith asked, causing Amelia to finally look up from her phone.

"No, it's not O – Wow!" Amelia said as her eyes alighted on Meredith wearing the red dress.

"Wow?"

"Yeah, wow!"Amelia said, her mouth falling open slightly. "Mer, this is - you look gorgeous! I knew this dress would look amazing on you, but, seriously...This is – wait till Derek sees you," Amelia murmured.

"What?" Meredith asked, frowning as she failed to grasp Amelia's last sentence. "What did you say? Wait till Derek – but, Derek is in surgery." Meredith shook her head, feeling bewildered and out of the loop.

Amelia's eyes widened a little as she said, "I – that – I know that. I just meant that whenever you wear this dress for any party or anything, Derek would be awestruck." She finished her reply with ease.

"Oh, um, thanks," Meredith murmured. "This dress really is nice. I guess I'll be keeping it after all. And this definitely suits my taste, so..."

"It suits you too," Amelia said with a bright smile as she stood up. "Now, we just need to do the hair and the makeup," Amelia said as she caught Meredith's arm and started pulling her towards the dresser.

"Wait, what?" Meredith asked as she stopped dead in her tracks. "Hair and makeup? Amy, I just tried this dress on to see if it fit me. Why would I need hair and makeup? I am staying at home," Meredith said, her head now spinning from Amelia's confusing behaviour.

Amelia pressed her lips together as she said, "I know that you are staying at home. But, I just – this dress looks so good on you; don't you wanna find out how you look with all the accessories and stuff?"

"No! No, I don't," Meredith said, pulling her arm out of Amelia's grasp.

"Oh, come on, Mer, it'll be fun. You'll feel good," Amelia said, trying to coax her sister-in-law.

"Amelia, I think we are too old to be playing dress up games. If you want to play dress up, go play it with Zola, not with me. I'm gonna go change," Meredith said firmly as she turned around to walk back towards the closet.

"No! You can't change!" Amelia said quickly as she came and stood in front of Meredith. "Come on, Mer. Just – just humour me on this, okay?"

"I'm not humouring you on anything till you tell me what exactly is going on and why are you so hell-bent on dressing me up like a freaking doll," Meredith answered, her voice stern.

Amelia bit her lower lip as she looked up at her sister-in-law for a moment. Finally, she sighed and said, "I just – I want you to feel good about yourself. I want you to feel confident about yourself."

Meredith frowned. "You want me to feel good about myself? Amelia, why? And how does dressing up make me feel good about myself?"

"Meredith," Amelia said on a sigh, "You – you are insecure about yourself. That night, when you were drunk and you opened up to me, I could totally understand how insecure you felt about yourself – how inferior you felt when you compared yourself to that lab rat in D.C. You compare yourself to her, and don't even deny that, because I'm a woman too and I get it why you compare yourself to her. I'd too if my husband did something like that. You probably think that that lab rat is drop-dead gorgeous and you are nothing compared to her. I just want to help you to see how wrong you are." Amelia knew that this wasn't technically the reason she wanted Meredith to dress up, but it was the truth all the same.

Meredith looked away from Amelia and flopped down on the edge of the bed. "Amy..." she breathed out and said, "I – yes, I do compare myself to Renee sometimes, but I'm learning to control that. And, I'm not wrong when I think that I'm inferior to her, because I am. Renee – she looks like a freaking model, Amy! She has this shiny, dark hair and gorgeous, bright blue eyes and...and she just looks gorgeous. Me? My eyes are dull and green, and not even a bright green. They are this dull, greyish-green colour and my hair is stringy and I don't look like a model! And I stink all the time, of sweat and drool, and...I know that that shouldn't be a problem because Derek loves me no matter what, but that is just the truth."

"See? This is exactly why you need to dress up and stand in front of a mirror and see that you are beautiful too. More beautiful than that Renee will ever be. Because, because Mer, you are a beautiful person, inside and out. You just don't see it sometimes," Amelia said as she sat down beside Meredith and draped an arm around her shoulder.

"How do you know that? You haven't even seen Renee!" Meredith countered.

"Well, I haven't, but I do know that you're a beautiful woman, and for my brother? He worships the ground you walk on. Yes, he acts like an idiot sometimes and makes mistakes that make you question his sincerity, but for him, you'll always be the most beautiful woman in the world. You just wait and watch when he comes back home and sees you in this dress. His reaction will be priceless," Amelia said firmly.

"You think?" Meredith asked as Amelia pulled her up and pushed her towards the dresser.

"It doesn't matter what I think. You'll see for yourself," Amelia said with a smile as Meredith sat down on the stool in front of the mirror, and Amelia picked up the dryer to dry Meredith's hair.

* * *

Forty minutes later, Meredith looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. Amelia had been right, sometimes, dressing up wasn't such a bad thing after all. Meredith couldn't explain it, but she felt confident and empowered and...She just felt good about herself. Her hair was scrunched up slightly so that it fell in gentle waves over her shoulder. Amelia had told her to let it loose instead of tying it up in a chignon because it looked better. Her lips had the slightest touch of pink lip-gloss on them, and apart from the eyeliner she wore, there was no hint of makeup on her face. Amelia had kept the makeup nude because she knew that Meredith didn't like heavy, OTT makeup. With minimal makeup and accessories, Meredith still managed to look elegant and gorgeous.

"Perfect!" Amelia exclaimed as she threw her hands up in triumph. "Now, you just need the right shoes to wear and you'll be done. I think I have the perfect pair in my wardrobe, let me bring them," Amelia said excitedly as she walked out of the room quickly, leaving Meredith to herself.

Meredith looked at her reflection in the mirror and exhaled inaudibly. It was a change for her to see herself in a dress instead of her customary dark-blue scrubs or casual jeans and shirt. It had been a while since she had worn a dress and done her hair. The last time when she had dressed up had probably been during April's wedding. After that, Meredith had neither got the opportunity nor the desire to dress up and feel like a woman again. But, as she stood in front of the mirror, waiting for Amelia to come back, she did feel like a strong, confident woman again.

"Here we go," Amelia said as she re-entered the room with a pair of black pump shoes in her hands. "Black Christian Louboutin pumps with their iconic red soles, perfect," Amelia said more to herself as she approached Meredith and gave her the shoes. "Put 'em on," Amelia ordered as she walked away and entered Meredith's walk-in closet.

"What are you doing?" Meredith yelled as she put on the high heels and winced slightly. She was definitely not used to wearing heels.

"Give me a sec," Amelia yelled back, and after a minute, she re-emerged in the room with a medium-size black clutch in her hands. "Take this, it'll go with your outfit," Amelia said and Meredith arched an eyebrow.

"Okay, Amy, now is the time to tell me what's really up. Because, I'm not a fool, you know? If I was just dressing up to feel good about myself and to make Derek's jaw drop, I wouldn't need a purse or anything. So, tell me, what's up and where am I going? Because it definitely seems like I'm going somewhere," Meredith said sternly.

Amelia laughed nervously at Meredith's statement and said cryptically, "Well, I knew you would catch me, but...Anyway, you'll know soon, so just be patient and wait a few more minutes."

Before Meredith could answer, a car honked in the driveway and Amelia started. "Well, seems like the answer to all your questions is here. Come to the living room in two minutes," Amelia said as she walked out of the room quickly, leaving an utterly bewildered Meredith in her wake.

_And I've never seen that dress you're wearing_

_Or that highlights in your hair that catch your eyes,_

_I have been blind_

As instructed by Amelia, Meredith walked down the hallway, her Louboutin heels clacking against the wooden floor. As she reached the stairwell, Zola came running down the stairs to greet her.

"Mommy!" Zola exclaimed as she ran down the steps.

"Hey, sweetie, be careful or you'll fall," Meredith warned as she crouched down at the bottom of the stairs and held her arms out to her daughter. Zola leapt down the last two steps and ran into her mother's arms. Meredith laughed slightly as she wrapped her arms around her daughter and picked her up, spinning a circle with Zola in her arms.

"You look pretty, Mommy," Zola said as she pulled back from her mother. "Real real pretty," Zola said with a smile.

"Well, I'm glad that you approve, Princess," Meredith said with a smile of her own as she pressed her lips to Zola's cheek.

"Mommyyy!" Zola squealed and wriggled in Meredith's arms to get away. "You're rubbin' lipstick on my cheek!"

Meredith giggled as she pulled back from Zola and said, "Oh, am I? Sorry, sweetie. Here, let me wipe it off." With that, Meredith wiped off the lip gloss on Zola's cheek with her palm.

"Put me down, I wanna go and see Daddy too!" Zola said and Meredith knitted her eyebrows together.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Daddy. Auntie Amy told me that you and Daddy were going to put on nice clothes tonight and look pretty and then go out for a surprise! I and Bails and Auntie Amy would stay at home and eat pizza and she'd let me watch Little Mermaid till 11:00!" Zola babbled on and then, her eyes widened and she suddenly gasped and clapped her hands over her mouth. "I wasn't supposta tell ya that!" Zola said sheepishly as she removed her hands.

Meredith's eyes softened as she finally connected the dots and put two and two together. She should have known that all this was her husband's idea. "It's ok, sweetie. Mommy won't tell Auntie Amy that you told me. It'll be our little secret," Meredith said as she set Zola down.

"Kay," Zola said and ran off into the living room with Meredith in tow.

Entering the living room, Meredith saw that Amelia was nowhere in sight, and the front door was still closed. Why hadn't Amelia opened the door? It was clear that Derek had come home, because she had heard his car with her own ears. Meredith knew all about Derek and Amelia's plan now, yet she couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. Were Derek and Amelia that good or was she that clueless? Deciding that it must be the latter, Meredith walked over to the door to open it.

"Open the door, Mommy!" Zola piped up from behind.

Meredith cast her daughter a nonplussed look before she placed her hand on the doorknob and turned it. Swinging the door open, Meredith's eyes widened as she took in the sight in front of her.

Derek was standing on the doorstep in a dark-blue suit, his hair perfectly coiffed and his hands shoved into the pockets of his coat. He smiled slightly as his blue irides met his wife's surprised grey-green orbs.

"Hey," he whispered softly as he raked his eyes over Meredith from head to toe. His breath caught in his throat as he gazed at his wife, his eyes transfixed on her breathtaking form. He took in her radiant face that seemed to be glowing even without any makeup, the red dress that clung to his wife's curves enticingly and accentuated them, and the high heels that made her long, toned legs look even sexier. He gulped as his eyes raked over Meredith's entire body before landing on her eyes again.

"Hey," Meredith whispered breathlessly as her whole face heated under Derek's appraising and appreciative gaze. She watched as her husband's midnight-blue irises darkened to a shade of indigo. She let her own eyes roam over Derek's form as well, appreciating the way the tailored suit fit her husband's lean body and accentuated his toned muscles.

"Wow! You – you look...breathtakingly beautiful," Derek said softly, at a loss for better words.

Meredith's cheeks were suffused with a faint pink tinge as she looked down at the floor and mumbled, "Thanks. You – you don't look so bad yourself."

Derek chuckled at the blush that had crept on his wife's face, and he opened his mouth to say something. But, before he could even get a syllable out, a squeal came from behind Meredith.

"Daddy!" Zola said as she ran to the door and Derek lifted her up in his arms. "You look handsome, Daddy," Zola remarked as she placed a kiss on her father's smooth cheek.

"Why, thank you, Princess," Derek said with a chuckle and then turned back to his wife. "Can I come in? Or are you planning to make me stand on the doorstep all night?"

Meredith snapped back to reality as she processed Derek's words and rolled her eyes. She took a step back so that Derek could enter the house.

As Derek stepped inside the house and set Zola down, Meredith said, "So, what's all this? You are wearing a suit and I am wearing a dress, and apparently, we are going somewhere for a surprise. Want to explain?" Meredith placed her hands on her hips as she gave Derek a look.

Derek furrowed his brows as he said, "How do you know that we are going somewhere for a surprise? Did Amy tell you that? God, I told Amy to keep her mouth shut, but she just couldn't..."

"She just couldn't what?" Amelia's voice came from the doorway of the living room, causing both Meredith and Derek to look at her. "I swear I didn't tell Meredith anything and boy was that hard. To get your inquisitive wife to dress up without actually disclosing my real intentions was the most difficult task I had to accomplish till date. I swear brain surgery is easier than that," Amelia remarked as she walked over to the trio.

Derek laughed and Meredith shot Amelia a glare. "Well, if you didn't tell Meredith, then who did?" Derek asked.

Zola's eyes widened with guilt as she shuffled her feet. Noticing her daughter's unease, Meredith said, "No one told me anything. I just figured it out on my own. I'm not dumb." She rolled her eyes.

Amelia took Zola's hand and said with a grin, "Ok, so now that everyone knows everything, can you two get outta here already? I and my niece and my nephew planned an awesome night for our enjoyment, so shoo..." Amelia waved her hands at Meredith and Derek.

"Fine, fine. But, let me say goodbye to Zola first," Meredith said as she lowered her head to Zola's level. "Wanna give Mommy a goodnight kiss, sweetie?"

Zola smiled and pressed her soft lips to Meredith's cheek. "Have a goooood night, Mommy. Have lots of fun with Daddy."

"I will. And you have lots of fun with your Aunt and your brother too, kay?"

"Oh yes! Auntie Amy promised we'll have fun," Zola said as she looked up at her aunt.

Meredith smiled and nodded her head before she straightened and said, "Where is Bailey? I want to say goodnight to him too."

"Oh, Bailey fell asleep while you were getting ready," Amelia answered.

"Oh," Meredith said and Amelia immediately sensed her disappointment.

"It's alright. I'll tell him goodnight for the both of you," Amelia said with a smile.

"Ok then, we should get going. Goodnight, Princess," Derek said as he bent his head and gave Zola a kiss on her cheek.

"You too, Daddy. Love you both," Zola said as Meredith and Derek proceeded to walk out the door.

"Love you too, honey," Meredith said, blowing a kiss to Zola and watching Zola giggle as she tried to catch it.

"Goodnight, Mer. And goodnight, bro. Have fun and don't make my sister mad," Amelia threatened in a mock voice.

"I won't make her mad..." Derek laughed as Meredith stepped out of the house and Derek followed suit. They both turned around and said goodnight to Amelia before starting to walk towards Derek's car in silence.

"So..." Meredith said softly, "What is all this? Why are you taking me out all of a sudden?"

Derek laughed. "Amy was right, you are too inquisitive."

Meredith smacked his arm playfully as she said, "C'mon. Stop stalling and tell me already."

Derek caught her hand and held it as they walked side by side and answered, "Well, this is...Surprise Date Night. Remember how we made a rule about date night to spend time with each other without the kids? I thought I'd put the plan into action."

"And you got Amy involved in it," Meredith said with a chuckle as she looked down at her and Derek's entwined hands.

"Well, yes, because I wanted to surprise you, and she was the only one who could get you to get ready for a surprise date."

"Hmm...I have to say, she did a pretty good job. I could sense that there was something wrong since she was getting me all dressed up, but I didn't guess this..." Meredith said as they reached Derek's car.

Derek smiled softly as he opened the car door and held it so that Meredith could get in. "So, you are pretty surprised, right?"

"Like you wouldn't believe. At one point, I thought that maybe Amy was trying to get me dressed up for a girls' night out. But date night never crossed my mind," Meredith said as she smiled back and got inside the car.

Derek walked over to the other side of the car and got behind the wheel. As he started the engine, Meredith asked, "So, are you going to tell me where we are going?"

Derek chuckled. "It's a surprise," he said as he placed his hands on the wheel and whisked the car away.

_The lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek_

_There's nobody here,_

_It's just you and me,_

_It's where I wanna be_

_But I hardly know this beauty by my side_

_I'll never forget the way you look tonight_

* * *

The car came to a halt in front of a grey coloured building with a small, pink metallic door. Meredith looked out the window of the car at the plain pink door, and wrinkled her eyebrows in confusion.

"Derek, where are we?" she asked as she gazed at the simple pink door that was completely devoid of any form of writing. The door was just blank – blank as an empty bottle, and there was no sign anywhere to indicate where they actually were.

"We are in Post Alley, in the Pike Place Market," Derek rejoined nonchalantly as he unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car. He came over to the passenger's side and opened the door so that Meredith could step out too.

"I can understand that we are in the Pike Place Market, but what is this place?" Meredith asked, pointing to the small, pink door with her finger. "This grey building with a – a pink door. A pink door, seriously?"

Derek chuckled at Meredith's curiosity and said, "You'll find out as soon as we enter." He reached out for Meredith's hand, and Meredith took it. The duo pushed the door open and walked inside together.

As soon as Meredith stepped inside, she knew what this place was. It was a restaurant. It was a really fancy and swanky restaurant, with chandeliers and small lights hanging from the ceiling, and numerous candles lighting up the main dining area. There were tapers placed on every dining table, and small candles were placed here and there to adorn the place. There was a large flower vase in one corner of the room, with a big bouquet of flowers in it. The restaurant was bustling with people, and nearly every table was full. Meredith felt underdressed for such a high-profile place.

"Derek," Meredith whispered to him as they made their way towards the reception. "Derek, this place is nice, but it's too crowded and over the top, don't you think? It's just so...high profile," Meredith said with a sigh.

"I know. I know that you hate such high-profile places, so don't worry. We are not gonna have dinner here," Derek whispered back to her and eased her worries, but Meredith was nonplussed. Derek had brought her to this fancy restaurant and now he was saying that they were not going to have dinner there? What was he talking about?

Before Meredith could demur, they reached the reception and the receptionist greeted them with a polite smile.

"Good evening, Sir, Mam. Welcome to The Pink Door. How can I help you?" the young brunette said.

"I have a table booked for two under the name of Dr. D. Shepherd," Derek answered smoothly, giving the receptionist a small smile.

The receptionist looked at her computer briefly before saying, "Your table is ready, Doctor." She then beckoned to a waiter and turned back to Derek. "This is Thomas; he will show you and your wife to your table. Enjoy your evening, Doctor Shepherd," the receptionist said with another smile.

"Thanks," Derek murmured and he tugged on Meredith's hand.

As the duo followed Thomas, Meredith whispered to her husband, "Derek, where are we going now? I thought that the main dining area is downstairs. And this place is called 'The Pink Door?' Seriously? Just because it has a pink door?"

Derek nodded and smiled at his wife's curiosity. "Meredith, just quieten down for a bit. You'll see where we are going. And yes, this restaurant is called 'The Pink Door' because it has a pink door, as you saw outside."

Meredith shook her head as she and Derek followed Thomas up a flight of stairs and finally reached the landing. Stepping out on the terrace, Meredith had to suck in a deep breath as she took in the sight in front of her.

The terrace was huge, with rows of tables placed along the three walls of the terrace. The huge space in the middle of the terrace was unoccupied. Small colourful lights were fixed on the ceiling above, casting a faint and ethereal glow over the place. Hanging baskets with decorative flower plants sprawling out of them were suspended along one edge of the roof, and the deck had an overall tranquil and intimate atmosphere. There were fewer people on the deck, with only four to five tables being occupied. The deck was cosy and laid-back, as opposed to the bustling fancy dining area downstairs.

"Here, Sir," Thomas said as he led them towards a round table along one of the walls of the deck. As soon as Meredith and Derek reached their table, Meredith had to suck in another breath as she took in the breathtaking view sprawling out in front of her. The deck overlooked the Elliott Bay, providing the diners with a gorgeous view of the Puget Sound. And since it was evening, the Sound looked more enchanting than ever in the dim moonlight.

"I'll come back after a while to take your orders," Thomas said politely as he bowed slightly and left them alone. Derek pulled out a chair for Meredith, and after Meredith had seated herself, he walked over to the other side of the table and seated himself in his chair.

"So?" Derek asked as he watched his wife gaze at the picturesque view of the Elliott Bay. "Do you like this place now?"

Meredith reluctantly tore her eyes away from the view and looked into her husband's eyes. "Derek, this is...amazing. I – I love this place. I mean, not the bustling, cacophonous dining area downstairs, but this upper deck dining area. I love it. It's so cosy and nice and intimate and low-key, and...and this view," Meredith said as she turned her eyes back towards the Elliott Bay, "this view is absolutely beautiful, isn't it?"

Derek didn't tear his gaze away from his wife as he murmured, "Yeah...Yeah...So beautiful," his eyes transfixed on his wife's radiant face. A gentle breeze was blowing from the Puget Sound, and as the breeze caressed Meredith's skin, wisps of her hair flew around and fell on her face. God, she really was beautiful.

Meredith tore her eyes away from the view and looked at her husband, only to find him looking back at her. A faint blush crept up on Meredith's face as she realized that Derek had not even been looking at the view when he had said the word 'beautiful.'

"I was talking about the view, you know?" Meredith said as the breeze continued to caress her face and her neck gently.

"Oh, I was talking about the view too," Derek said with a playful smile as he kept his eyes fixed on Meredith.

Meredith gave in and smiled as the blush in her cheeks intensified. "The view of the Elliott Bay, I meant," she emphasized.

"Oh, that one is beautiful too," Derek laughed as he finally tore his eyes away from his wife's face and looked at the picturesque view stretching in front of him.

"Hmm..." Meredith sighed contentedly as she picked up the menu and started skimming it. "Thanks for bringing me here, Derek. I really do love it; this place is fabulous."

"I'm glad you approve," Derek said with a smile as he picked up the menu too.

Suddenly, something caught Meredith's eye and she set the menu down. "Wow, I didn't notice these before," Meredith remarked as she gently touched the orchids kept in the vase at the centre of the table with her fingertips. "These orchids are beautiful; I love orchids!" Meredith exclaimed as she ran her fingertips over the soft petals.

"Hmm...Well, I'll be sure to thank our server for them afterwards," Derek said nonchalantly.

Meredith looked at her husband carefully. "Oh, really? How did the server know that I love orchids? And I don't see any orchids on the other tables," Meredith said with a playful smirk.

Derek only smiled at Meredith in response – a smile that made Meredith's heart melt. She knew without words that Derek had asked the waiter to place the orchids on their table beforehand. Her heart swelled with immense love for her husband at his small, sweet gesture of love.

"So...Are you ready to order?" Derek asked as he looked back at the menu.

"Oh, yeah, let me see," Meredith said as she looked at all the dishes listed in the menu. "Wait, this is an Italian restaurant?" she asked rhetorically as she read the names of all the dishes.

"That would be a yes," Derek said with a gentle nod of his head.

"Wow, could this restaurant be any more perfect?" Meredith asked with a giggle as she shifted slightly in her chair. "Derek, you really outdid yourself by picking this fabulous restaurant."

Derek smirked at the compliment and said, "Well, I try. Things just happen, you know?" He gave Meredith a wink, causing Meredith to giggle.

"Hmm..." Meredith hummed softly as she read the menu. "I want the antipasto of the house, Caesar salad and linguine. What about you?"

"Hmm...I want the risotto. Antipasto of the house. And we can share the lasagne...What should we order for dessert?" Derek asked.

"I dunno...Tiramisu? Or maybe the chocolate torte? The shards of love look interesting too..." Meredith said absentmindedly as she read out the names of the desserts. Suddenly, her eyes alighted on one name and she did a double take.

"What?" Meredith mused to herself with a small giggle.

"Hmm?" Derek asked as he watched his wife giggle. "What's so funny?"

"Read the name of dessert no. 14," Meredith rejoined as she continued to giggle softly.

Derek looked back at his menu and searched for dessert no. 14 on the list. As soon as he found it and read its name, his eyes all but popped out of their sockets.

"Boobie cake?!" Derek read aloud, his tone suffused with astonishment. "What the heck is that?"

"Apparently, a cake that looks like a booby," Meredith said with a laugh as she looked at her husband's bewildered face.

"Really? The cake looks like a...a boob?" Derek asked, his eyes wide.

Meredith gasped at her husband's tomfoolery. "Derek! Of course not! Who would serve a cake that looks like a boob? And why are you so interested?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

Derek gave her a sheepish grin. "Well, there is no picture given here, so it may look like a boob for all we know. And of course, I'm interested, Mer. At the end of the day, I'm a guy, and which guy wouldn't like to eat a cake that looks like a boob?" he asked with a roguish smirk.

Meredith gasped and slapped Derek's hand that was resting on the table. "Derek!" she exclaimed in part amusement and part astonishment, "You are – you are so dirty!" She shook her head in mock disapproval.

"Hmm...Why are you being so shy, Meredith? I am your husband, it's not like I haven't seen your boobs before," Derek said, causing Meredith to blush furiously.

"Shut up! You are incorrigible! This is a family place for God's sake," Meredith said as she hid her face with the menu card and giggled. Derek only chortled on seeing her crimson cheeks and her embarrassment.

"Sir, Mam, are you ready to order?" a voice said, interrupting Meredith and Derek's conversation.

The duo looked up to see that Thomas had come back with a notepad and pen in his hand.

"Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, we are ready to order," Meredith said, trying to cover up her blush and regain her composure. "We'll have the house antipasto, two Caesar salads, linguine alle vongole, lasagne pink door and the risotto. And for dessert, we'll have shards of love and..." Meredith trailed off, looking at her husband.

"And the ...boobie cake," Derek finished for her, causing Meredith to bite her lower lip in order to suppress her giggle.

"Okay, sir, your order will be here soon," Thomas said and left.

"Seriously, Derek? Seriously? You ordered the boobie cake?" Meredith asked as soon as Thomas had left.

"What? I wanna know if it looks like a boob," Derek said nonchalantly with a crooked smile.

"You...you are horrible," Meredith said as Thomas came back to their table with two flutes and a bottle of wine.

"Here is your Chardonnay, Mam," Thomas said as he placed the two glasses on the table and started pouring the Chardonnay into the glasses.

"Oh, thanks," Meredith said, wondering where the wine came from, since they had ordered none. After pouring the wine, Thomas left the table and Meredith looked at her husband. "You told them to serve Chardonnay too? Because we didn't order any."

Derek smiled softly at her as he raised his flute and said, "What's a date without some good wine?"

Meredith mirrored his smile as she raised her own flute and they clinked their glasses together. "Cheers," the duo echoed and sipped at their drinks.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned softly as the rich wine hit her taste buds. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think that you're trying to get me drunk so that you can take advantage," she said with a small laugh.

Derek smirked in response and quipped back, "You never know...I still might be trying to get you drunk so that I can take advantage. It's hard not to, since you look so ravishing tonight."

Meredith's breath hitched in her throat at the compliment. It had been a while since Derek had given her a compliment – it had been a long while. Hearing him say that she was looking beautiful made her heart melt into a puddle of goo.

"Thanks," she murmured, unable to come up with something better to say.

"Hmmm..." Derek hummed in response.

"So..." Meredith started, "Tell me, how did you plan this surprise date night?"

Derek sipped at his Chardonnay before replying, "Well, I got off from work early. Having your sister as your boss helps," he said with a wink. "Then, I told Amy about my plan, Googled up the best Italian restaurants in Seattle, waded through thousands of rave online reviews before finally finding this place. Came here to make the reservations and other arrangements, and then went to do a bit of shopping for the both of us."

"Hmmm...And you lied to me about being in surgery. Liar," Meredith said in a voice full of mock hurt. "Also, I realized that _you _bought this dress for me. It's lovely, and definitely my choice. You know me so well," Meredith said with a grin as she took a sip of the chilled wine.

"So, I have you completely entranced thus far?" Derek asked with a cocky grin.

Meredith bit her lower lip as she pretended to think. "Mmm...I wouldn't say that you have me entranced so far. I mean, yeah, I love this place, but that's the restaurant's credit, not yours," she said, ribbing him.

"Really? What about the orchids? And the dress?"

"That's not really something off-the-wall, you know? Anyone can do that...You haven't done anything completely mind-blowing yet," Meredith said, her voice challenging.

"Are you challenging me?" Derek asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm just replying to your question," Meredith quipped.

"Fine. You just wait and watch," Derek said as he picked up a clean handkerchief from the table and took out a pen from the pocket of his jacket.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked, nonplussed by her husband's activities.

"Just wait," Derek said as he placed the handkerchief on the table and began writing something on it, being careful to cover it with his hand so that Meredith couldn't see what he was writing.

Meredith sighed contentedly as she turned her eyes towards the view of the Elliott Bay again. It really looked beautiful at night, with the city lights sparkling like tiny stars and the water stretching as far as it could to meet the dark night sky. The reflection of the myriad of colourful lights in the water was truly a sight to behold. It looked like a sky full of stars located on the ground. She lost herself as she gazed at the panorama, her eyes taking in the beauty of the view.

"Hey." Derek's soft voice broke her trance, and she averted her eyes from the view to meet her husband's twinkling blue orbs.

"Hey," Meredith said with a tender smile as she looked at her husband. "Are you done with your secret work?" she asked in a ribbing tone.

"Mmmhmm..." Derek said as he held out the handkerchief to her with a proud grin.

"What is this?" Meredith said as she took the folded handkerchief from his hands and opened it up to see what he had written. Her eyes widened slightly as she read what was scribbled on the clean white handkerchief, and she was caught off guard by the tears that pricked her eyelids.

Meredith read it again and again, unable to tear her eyes away from it. Finally, she looked up to meet her husband's smiling eyes and said, "You...I...Derek...this is...I'm speechless," she finished on a small laugh as a tiny teardrop escaped her eye.

"Hey," Derek said as he reached over the table and placed his palm against her cheek. "I didn't mean to make you cry," he said as he brushed away the teardrop with his thumb.

"These..." Meredith sniffled and continued in a surprisingly hoarse voice, "These are tears of happiness. No one has ever done something like this for me before."

Derek smiled tenderly as he stroked the delicate skin of her cheek with his knuckles as Meredith took a moment to compose herself. After a minute, Meredith rasped out, "I love you too. So much..."

A smile spread out on Derek's face, a heart-warming smile that lit up his whole face and his midnight-blue eyes. He brushed away a few strands of hair from Meredith's face and then grabbed her hand, bringing it to his lips. He kissed her fingertips as Meredith smiled softly at him and then looked down at the handkerchief again. Written on the handkerchief were the following words –

"_You are –_

_**A**__dorable, __**A**__mazing, __**A**__mbitious, __**B**__eautiful, __**B**__enevolent, __**B**__reathtaking, __**C**__aring, __**C**__ompassionate, __**C**__onfident, __**D**__efiant, __**D**__ifferent, __**D**__iligent, __**D**__riven, __**E**__thereal, __**F**__orgiving, __**G**__entle, __**H**__ardworking, __**H**__onest, __**I**__nnocent, __**I**__nspiring, __**J**__ovial, __**K**__ind, __**L**__oving, __**M**__otherly, __**N**__aughty, __**O**__pen-hearted, __**P**__uckish, __**Q**__uirky, __**R**__adiant, __**R**__avishing, __**S**__exy, __** S**__pirited, __**S**__trong, __**S**__tubborn, __**T**__ender, __**U**__nique, __**U**__npredictable, __**V**__aliant, __**W**__arm-hearted, __**W**__onderful, __**Y**__ou, __**Z**__ealous_

_**ILY"**_

"Stubborn? Really?" Meredith said with a titter.

"Well, you are stubborn, and I love that about you," Derek said as he pressed a kiss to the palm of her hand.

"You want to know what my favourite adjective from this list is?" Meredith asked as she pulled her and Derek's entwined hands back so that they now rested atop the table.

"Hmm...What?" Derek asked as he gently stroked her palm with the pad of his thumb.

"You," Meredith said with a soft smile.

"Well, that's the thing I love the most about you too. The fact that you are you," Derek replied, the corners of his lips curved upwards in a permanent smile.

"You really blew my mind with this one, by the way," Meredith said with a soft chuckle. "I have to say – now, you have me entranced hook, line and sinker."

No more words were exchanged between the duo as the radiant smiles refused to leave their faces for a long time.

_I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight_

_I've never seen you shine so bright,_

_You were amazing_

_I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side_

_And when you turned to me and smiled,_

_It took my breath away_

_And I have never had such a feeling_

_Such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight_

* * *

"Damn! This doesn't look like a boob," Derek muttered, feigning immense disappointment.

"I told you it wouldn't," Meredith gloated with a smirk as she dug the spoon into her own dessert. The meal had been fantastic and it had been littered with light-hearted banter, conversation and flirting. And now, it was finally time for the dessert.

"Well, at least it's round. That indicates some resemblance to a boob," Derek said with a shrug as he dug his fork into his boobie cake.

"You are a perv," Meredith said through a mouthful of dessert. "It's good that the cake doesn't look like a booby. The restaurateur didn't want to feed your kinky fantasies, you horny old man."

Derek pouted as he ate his dessert. As soon as the chocolate hit his taste buds, however, he moaned in satisfaction.

"Mmmmm...This may not look like a boob but it was definitely worth ordering. It's absolutely delectable," Derek said as he lifted some of the cake with his spoon and held it out to Meredith. Meredith opened up her mouth and accepted the spoonful of cake, before moaning in approval.

"You're right, this is scrumptious..." Meredith said as she picked up some of her own dessert with her spoon. "Here, taste some of mine. This is tasty too," she said as she held out the spoon to Derek.

As Meredith fed Derek some of her dessert, soft music filled the deck all of a sudden, causing the diners to look up in surprise. "The Lady in Red" began to play on the music system, and Meredith looked at Derek with wide eyes.

"They play music up here too?! This is one of my favourite songs!" Meredith exclaimed as she proceeded to finish the rest of her dessert.

"It's one of my favourites too," Derek said with a nod of agreement.

"You know, when this song was first released in 1986," Meredith started to say, "I was only 8 years old back then. Thatcher had already left me and my Mom, so my belief in love and other things was gone by then. But still, I was a little girl and I had this secret wish that I had shoved into the darkest corners of my heart. I wished that if I ever got married, I'd play this song at my wedding and dance to it with my husband." Meredith finished with a small smile playing on her lips and a faraway look in her eyes.

"So, this was supposed to be your wedding song?" Derek asked.

"Yeah...yeah..." Meredith replied with a sigh. "But, then I got older and my faith in marriage and love faded more and more, till there was none left. And with that, all my dreams for my wedding faded away too... Anyway, what was your wedding song?" Meredith asked, wanting to know the small details about her husband's past.

"You mean, what was my dream wedding song? Or what was my actual wedding song?"

Meredith looked up, suddenly remembering that Derek had been married before. "Oh, yeah, I forgot that you already had a wedding...Um, both," Meredith answered with a sheepish smile.

Derek smiled tenderly at her as he rejoined, "Well, the song played at my and Addison's wedding was 'Careless Whisper.' But, I had always dreamt that my wedding song would be 'The Lady in Red' too."

"Oh, really? Wow, our choice in music matches for once," Meredith said and then giggled as she added, "I was secretly scared that you'd say that your wedding song was a work by The Clash." Meredith tittered as she watched the look on Derek's face.

"Seriously, stop insulting The Clash so much. Learn to respect others' likes and dislikes," Derek said in a grumpy voice. "And I might like The Clash, but I wouldn't play their songs at my wedding."

Meredith only laughed in response as she watched one of the couples get up from the table and move to the open space in the middle of the terrace. The couple started to sway to the slow rhythm of the music as the other diners watched. Shortly after, another couple followed suit and moved to the makeshift dance floor.

"Looks like people are in the mood of dancing here," Meredith remarked as she watched the three couples sway to the beats of the song. "I'm done," she said as she placed her spoon down and wiped her mouth with a napkin.

"Me too...Wanna join them?" Derek asked, setting his spoon down and tilting his head towards the dance floor.

"Derek..." Meredith drawled his name out, "You don't dance in public, remember? Besides, I vividly remember the last time you danced. It was awful, so no," Meredith said with a small laugh as she remembered how Derek had danced it out with her all those years ago when she had been having a feud with Cristina.

"Ok, I admit it that I'm a horrible dancer, but this hardly counts as dancing," Derek reasoned out. "This is like...just standing there and moving from one foot to the other. I can do that." He held out his hand to his wife in the most gentlemanly manner and said, "May I?"

Meredith looked at Derek's outstretched hand and then looked up at her husband's face to ascertain whether he was being serious. When she saw that his face was dead serious, she bit her lower lip and hesitated for a moment, before throwing caution to the wind and placing her small hand in his. "You may," she murmured as she allowed Derek to lead her to the dance floor.

Reaching the space in the middle of the deck, Meredith placed one hand on Derek's shoulder and the other in his hand. Derek placed his hand on his wife's waist and the duo began to sway gently to the beat of the song.

_The lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek_

_There's nobody here, it's just you and me,_

_It's where I wanna be_

_Well I hardly know this beauty by my side_

_I'll never forget the way you look tonight_

"You know, it's rather coincidental that they decided to play this song...Because you are wearing a red dress, and you are dancing with me right now," Derek remarked softly as Meredith leant forward slightly, shifting her left hand from his shoulder to the nape of his neck.

"Hmm...I was wondering the same thing...I was also wondering if you had something to do with it," Meredith rejoined with a smile as their bodies continued to move together in perfect harmony.

"I swear I didn't do anything this time," Derek answered with a chuckle, but then sobered up as he added, "You are my lady in red."

Meredith stared into her husband's cerulean eyes, losing herself in their fathomless depths. Derek gazed at her lovingly as their gazes remained transfixed on each other. After a while, Derek's eyes shifted from her eyes to her lips. As they continued to sway their bodies gently to the music, Derek found it impossible to tear his eyes away from his wife's lips. It had been long – it had been so long since they had...

Without conscious thought, Derek leaned forward slightly, his and Meredith's lips mere inches apart. Meredith looked up at him in surprise, but her eyes fell shut as he further leant towards her. Their lips were now only a millimetre apart, and Meredith could feel Derek's warm breath fanning her cheek. She wanted to kiss him – she wanted to kiss her husband just as much as he wanted to kiss her.

However, as Derek proceeded to close the distance between their lips, he felt Meredith's body tense against his. Her whole body tensed up, and Derek could feel her stance becoming rigid. And instantly, Derek knew that his wife wasn't ready for it, that it was too soon for her. So, instead of kissing her lips like he had wanted to, Derek closed the distance between their faces and brushed his lips softly against the corner of her mouth. He let his lips linger there for a while, inhaling the scent of her skin and feeling her delicate skin against his lips, before pulling back from her and smiling.

Meredith opened her eyes and looked up at him in surprise. "Derek...What...Why did you..." she murmured incoherently, not finding the right words to say.

"You are not ready," Derek stated simply with a rueful smile.

"But, I – I was...I wanted to kiss you," Meredith said softly, looking away with a guilty expression.

"I know you did...But, you are not ready to do it yet. And that's okay, that's perfectly fine. You don't have to feel guilty about it. I'm right here, I'm always gonna be right here. I'm fine with waiting till you are ready," Derek whispered, his eyes softening as he watched Meredith look up and smile in relief.

"You're right. I – I am not ready for it yet. Thank you, Derek. Thank you for understanding me," Meredith whispered back as she raised both her arms and wrapped them around her husband's neck, leaning forward to rest her cheek against his.

"Don't thank me. It's my fault that you're unable to kiss me," Derek murmured guiltily as he wrapped his arms around his wife's svelte waist.

Meredith sighed softly as she closed her eyes and continued to sway her hips to the music. "It's ok, I'm getting there. I'll be ready soon, I promise," she said, tightening her arms around her husband's neck as they danced cheek to cheek.

"I'll be waiting right here till you are ready, I promise," Derek whispered in her hair as he buried his nose in her lavender-scented blonde tresses. "I love you, Meredith, so much..."

"Hmm..." Meredith sighed contentedly as she moved her head to rest it on Derek's shoulder. Derek pressed a tender kiss to her head and then rested his cheek against her hair. "I love you too, Derek, just as much," she whispered back as their bodies moved with the rhythm in perfect harmony, both of them content to be present in that moment, in each other's arms.

_I never will forget the way you look tonight_

_The lady in red, my lady in red_

_My lady in red, my lady in red_

_I love you..._

* * *

**A/N: I know you guys must be so mad at me right now for not letting the kiss happen, but I hope you get why I did that. Derek broke Meredith's trust and it's not so easy for her to just forget what he did. She needs time, but as she said, she is getting there. And for those of you who are fussy about the details like me, "The Pink Door" is a real American-Italian restaurant located in Seattle. Like Derek, I Googled it up and tried to make my description of the restaurant as close to reality as possible, but I tweaked a few details here and there to make them fit in with the story.**

**I was really excited when I started writing this chapter, but somehow, by the time I reached its end, I kind of disliked it. I just feel like it's not my best work...IDK...Exam nerves must be doing that to me...Sorry if I botched this chapter! Blame it all on exams!**

**Anyway, let me know what you think. I always appreciate hearing from you :)**

**Song Lyrics from "The Lady in Red" by Chris De Burgh**

**~oOoOo~**

**A reply to the reviews –**

**msnovelist – **Thanks for the review as always, Hel! I hope the lots of Mer/Amy in this chapter pleased you. Thank you!

**bhavyam1998 – **Thank you! Yes, it always bugged me that Derek never talked about his father to Meredith – she was his wife! You'd think he'd at least tell her something, but no – nada for five whole seasons, before he finally told Meredith how his father died. Surprising, really. So, I decided to change that a bit and throw in my version. Glad you liked it!

**Patsy – **Thanks so much for the wonderful review, Patsy! Your kind words made my day! The 48 uninterrupted hours are still on my mind, I haven't forgotten about that! I'm glad that you liked Amy and Derek's talk. And believe me, you will be getting a surprise very soon! Thank you!

**McFanciful – **Thank you so much for the kind words! They mean the world to me! I'm so happy that you liked the last chapter, and your words surely made my day brighter. I hope that you liked this chapter as well!

**Linda – **Thank you! Your review brightened up my day! Hope you liked this chapter!

**Jill – **Thanks for the lovely reviews, Jill! Looks like you pegged it right on the nose, romantic dinner it is! Congrats on getting it right! Hope you liked this chapter as well. More is on the way, I promise :)

**Charlotte – **Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! Romance has begun indeed! But, this story is not all about sunshine and daisies, so hold on to your heart and stay tuned!

**Ellen – **Thank you so much! I'm glad you loved the chapter! I hope you liked this one as well :)

**Ginger – **Thank you for reading and reviewing! I'm extremely happy that you love this! Hope you liked this chapter as well! More is on the way!


	14. Let's Get Away From It All

**A/N: Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews on last chapter! I can't describe in words how happy they make me! Now, since I gave you two light and fluffy chapters, this chapter starts on a darker and angstier note again. You know I can't stay away from angst for long ;) But, I assure you, even though the beginning of this chapter is a bit darker, I think the ending will make you happy. And all's well that ends well! **

**P.S. I made a playlist on YouTube which includes all the songs that have been used in this fic so far. You can find the link to it from my profile page, and I hope you find it useful!**

* * *

_**Let's Get Away From It All**_

_Let's take a boat to Bermuda_

_Let's take a plane to Saint Paul_

_Let's take a kayak to Quincy or Nyack_

_Let's get away from it all_

Meredith sat atop her bed as she brushed and braided her daughter's curly hair. Zola kept babbling all the while Meredith plaited her hair, and it made Meredith smile a little to herself. Zola was back to being the chatterbox she was, and Meredith couldn't be more thankful for it.

For the past few weeks, Meredith had noticed an unusual change in Zola's demeanour. Zola, who had always been an extrovert, jolly and talkative kid, had slowly been turning into a quiet and reserved one. She had stopped talking much, and her usual bright, chirpy self had gone into hiding. It had been a drastic change, as if it had happened overnight. Meredith had immediately noticed the shift in Zola's demeanour and had tried talking to Zola about it, but it had appeared as if Zola had withdrawn herself from her mother. It had been a reason of constant worry for Meredith, and she had even started thinking about talking to Derek and taking Zola for counselling. The thought of taking her four year old daughter to the shrink had unnerved and unsettled Meredith no end, but Meredith had known that she needed to figure out what was wrong with her baby girl.

Now, as Meredith listened to her daughter's incessant chatter, Meredith felt a sense of peace and relief wash over her. She couldn't describe in words how relieved her heart felt as she noticed the spell of darkness lift from her daughter's disposition. This was how her daughter looked best – happy and smiling and chattering. Meredith never wanted to see her daughter in a state of unhappiness.

"Mommy, this week is the bestest week I had!" Zola exclaimed suddenly as Meredith braided her hair.

Meredith smiled. "Really? And why so?"

"Cause I gots the gold star in school for helping Ms. McCarty clean our classroom," Zola said, "And Ms. McCarty gived me a candy for that."Zola sported a proud grin on her face.

"That's so great, sweetie," Meredith said with a grin of her own, feeling incredibly proud of her daughter. She finished braiding Zola's hair and keeping the brush away, she pressed a loud kiss to Zola's cheek, causing Zola to giggle.

"Oh, and you and Daddy didn't fight this week either!" Zola turned around and tacked on, causing Meredith to freeze with shock. The happy feeling that had been dwelling in Meredith's heart on seeing her daughter happy and cheerful again, left as soon as it had come. Meredith's mouth hung open in shock as she looked into her daughter's warm, chocolate brown eyes. Unable to formulate any response to Zola's statement, Meredith just kept staring at Zola's face in shock.

"I don't likes it at all when you and Daddy fight," Zola murmured, as if offering explanation to her mother. "You shout a lot and you say bad things to each other, and you swear, which is not nice at all. And I can't sleep when you an' Daddy are shouting," Zola said innocently, looking down at her feet.

Meredith's eyes filled with tears as she looked at her daughter's childlike face for a moment before wrapping her arms around Zola and pulling her into a bear hug. She had no idea what to say to Zola; she had known that her and Derek's fighting was affecting Zola – Amelia had told her that, but she had never prepared herself for having it thrown at her face. One part of Meredith was happy that Zola had admitted the truth, but another part of Meredith couldn't reconcile herself with the bitter reality.

"I know, sweetie...I know..." Meredith whispered as she hugged her daughter tightly. "I'm so sorry, honey. Both I and Daddy are sorry that we fight and yell at each other so much. I'm sorry." It was all Meredith could say in response to her daughter's innocent confession as she squeezed her eyes shut to prevent the tears from escaping.

Zola pulled back from the hug and said in a fearful whisper, "Mommy, is Daddy gonna leave us?"

Meredith's eyes snapped up to meet her daughter's. A pit hollowed out in her stomach and Meredith gulped. Once again, Meredith found herself tongue-tied with horror. She looked at her daughter sincerely as she shook her head. "No, sweetie. Daddy is never going to leave us. He would never...Why are you asking this? What made you think that Daddy is going to leave us?" Meredith asked, aghast.

Zola pursed her lips and replied, "Well, you know Sara in our class? She says her Mommy and Daddy used to fight and shout a lot too, and then, one day, Sara's Daddy leaved 'em. He don't live with Sara and her Mommy anymore, and Sara only visits him on the weekends now."

The tears threatened to fall from Meredith's eyes as she looked into her daughter's brown eyes. She could see the fear settled in there, and Meredith couldn't feel guiltier at the moment. She and Derek had been so absorbed in their own problems that they hadn't even stopped to think how their present situation could affect their children, especially Zola.

"Daddy will never leave us, ZoZo," Meredith finally rasped out as she cupped her daughter's cheek. "Daddy loves us too much to even think about leaving us. I know that I and Daddy have been fighting a lot lately, but...I promise you, you won't have to visit your Daddy only on the weekends. He's gonna stay right here, with us." Meredith pressed a tender kiss to her daughter's forehead, trying to ease her fears and worries.

"Okay," Zola said with a nod. "Cause I can't not see Daddy all week...I wonder how Sara manages," Zola said in a pensive voice.

"Nothing like that is ever gonna happen to you and your brother. I and Daddy will make sure of that," Meredith said with a wan smile, her stomach doing flip flops. She needed to talk to Derek about this, and soon.

"Kay. Love you," Zola said with a bright smile that lit up the entire room. "C'mon now, I'll be late for daycare and you'll be late for work, Mommy."

Meredith blinked back her tears and smiled at her daughter. "Love you too. Let's go," Meredith said and the duo made their way downstairs.

* * *

Derek walked down the hallway towards on call room 10, his head full of thoughts. He had received a text from his wife five minutes ago, and she had asked him to meet her in on call room 10. She had mentioned in her text that it was urgent, and trepidation had filled Derek's mind immediately. What could have been so urgent that she had asked him to meet her in the middle of such a busy day? Derek hoped that Meredith and the kids were alright – he hadn't seen them since he had left the house early in the morning. He wondered if something was wrong with one of the kids, and the thought made his heart plummet. He walked in long strides and tried to reach his destination as fast as he could.

Reaching the on call room, he pushed the door open and stepped inside, finding Meredith sitting on the bed with a pensive and worried look on her face. The look on her face made Derek's heart beat rapidly and Derek quickly shut the door and walked over to his wife.

"Meredith, are you alright? What's wrong? Are the kids alright?" Derek asked as he took a seat beside his wife and placed his hand on her shoulder.

Meredith didn't move as she replied, "I'm fine. And the kids are fine too. Well, at least physically."

Meredith's cryptic answer caused Derek to raise an eyebrow. "Meredith, what do you mean by at least physically? Tell me what's wrong," he said, feeling anxious and worried.

His wife let out a heavy sigh as she turned to face him. "It's – it's about Zola," Meredith said, wringing her hands nervously in her lap.

"What about her? Is she okay?" Derek probed, wanting to know more.

"Physically, yes. Emotionally, I don't think so..."

"What do you mean?" Derek asked, feeling the worry seep into his mind. "Meredith, stop being so cryptic and tell me already."

"I –"Meredith hesitated and then continued, "I was braiding Zola's hair this morning and she told me that this week was the best week she had. When I asked her why, she told me that it was because you and I hadn't fought all week." Meredith bit her bottom lip nervously, waiting for her husband's reaction.

Derek's eyes widened and his face took on an unreadable expression. Well, at least Meredith couldn't read it. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it, looking into Meredith's eyes.

When Derek remained silent, Meredith inhaled a deep breath and said, "There's more to it. Zola was scared that you'd leave us. Her friend's parents used to fight a lot too, and then her friend's Dad left, so Zola thinks that you're gonna leave us too. She can't sleep at night due to our yelling...And, Amy has told me this before – that, that our fighting and yelling bothers Zola and keeps her up at night..." Meredith paused and then turned to her husband, her eyes filled with unshed tears. "Derek, I – I don't want Zola to become dark and twisty like me. I...I don't want her to have the same life as me. I grew up in a house where my parents were constantly fighting, and I swore to myself that I'd never let that happen to my kids, but..." Meredith trailed off, unable to continue as she buried her face in her hands.

Meredith felt an arm wrap around her shoulders and she looked up into Derek's glassy eyes.

"I – I don't know what to say, Meredith. I – we were so busy with our own mess that...we totally forgot that Zola is growing up now. She – she understands these things and these things affect her, and we totally forgot about it...And now she thinks that I'm gonna leave you and her. God, I – I feel so guilty..." Derek whispered, his eyes fixed on the wall in front of him.

"I know...I feel like the most terrible mother in the world! I mean, I know what it feels like to have your parents constantly fighting with each other; I know how it can damage you emotionally and psychologically and yet...yet, I let it happen to my daughter..." Meredith rasped out, her voice breaking.

Derek remained silent for another minute before saying in a hoarse voice, "Our last fight...It was horrible. We – we said so many nasty things to each other, and God, we yelled and it was ugly! And Zola was in the house to hear all of it...I – it was the ugliest of all fights we have ever had...If you hadn't picked up that fight for no reason at all, then..." Derek rubbed his hand over his face, his thought process turning cold.

Meredith's head immediately snapped up and she looked at her husband. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, but she wiped them away with her hands as she narrowed her eyes at him. "What did you say?" Meredith whispered in a disbelieving voice. "_I_ picked up our last fight for _no reason at all?_ You – You're blaming me for all this?"

Derek looked away from her as he replied, "Well, there was no reason for you to flip out like that..."

"I can't believe this!" Meredith exclaimed as she stood up from the bed. "How can you say that, Derek? You told me you wanted to go back to D.C.! How can you not expect me to flip out on hearing that?! Wouldn't you have flipped out if our roles had been reversed?" Meredith asked incredulously. "How can you blame our whole fight on me? It takes two to tango, Derek. I wasn't the only one yelling!"

"But you started the yelling!" Derek replied as he stood up too. "And now, because of _you, _Zola thinks that I'm going to leave her!" Derek yelled, unable to control his anger.

"Because of me?!" Meredith whispered and then gave a small, bitter laugh. "Of course, Derek. Of course, you will blame me for it, because that's your MO! Whatever happens, blame it all on Meredith!" Meredith yelled out, her temper flaring. "I can't believe that you're deflecting all responsibility for this and calling me a bad mother. Again! I don't know why I feel surprised – this is like the third time you're calling me a bad mother!" Meredith couldn't stop the tears that came rolling out of her eyes. She had been so horrified and devastated after what Zola had said to her that morning that she had just wanted to talk to her husband and melt in his embrace. She had wanted to meet her husband so that he could comfort her, support her – reassure her that she was not a bad mother. But instead, her husband was blaming it all on her – he was confirming her worst fears instead of comforting her. She didn't know who else to turn to for support; she just felt so guilty and terrible for all of it.

Derek's eyes softened as he saw the tears rolling down Meredith's cheeks. He came back to his senses as he watched Meredith slump down on the bed again. What was he doing? Meredith had come to him for support, for reassurance, and he was yelling at her and blaming her instead? What was wrong with him?

"Meredith..." He whispered as he plopped down beside his wife and pulled her hunched body in his arms. Wrapping his arms around his wife's frail body, he shouldered her head while she burst into sobs. "Meredith, I'm sorry...I – I didn't mean to blame you...I just – I got so angry..." he whispered as Meredith buried her face in his shoulder and cried.

"I'm a horrible mother! I'm not fit for raising two kids," Meredith murmured amidst sobs as she felt Derek's arms tighten around her torso.

"You are NOT a horrible mother," Derek whispered firmly into her ear. "It's not our fault...It's – it's our situation's fault. We are in a bad situation right now, that's it," he said as Meredith's sobs weakened and she pulled back from him.

"But, we did it again, Derek. We yelled at each other, again!" she murmured. "Why do we keep doing this? How will we ever make it if we keep doing this? How will our kids ever make it if we keep doing this?" she questioned rhetorically as she buried her face in her hands. "I don't want my kids to be emotionally damaged because they had to grow up watching their parents fight all the time! I don't want that for my kids!"

"I know that," Derek whispered as he placed his palm on Meredith's back and started rubbing slow circles on it. "No parent wants that for his or her kids. No parent wants their kid to have the same life that they had. I know how you feel, Mer, because I feel the same way. I feel angry, not at you, but at myself and our situation. I feel angry and helpless. That's why I lost my temper and shouted at you," he murmured as he grabbed Meredith's right hand with his own. He squeezed her hand as Meredith continued sniffling.

"How will we do this, Derek?" Meredith asked incredulously as she looked up at her husband, her eyes moist and puffy. "The road ahead isn't easy, and we're gonna be fighting a lot now. We _will _fight a lot. How do we protect our kids from that? How do we make it without letting our fighting, our problems, our roadblocks affect our kids?" Meredith asked with a scared look in her eyes. She let out a heavy sigh as she leant sideways and pillowed her head on her husband's strong shoulder. "I'm scared, Derek. I don't want to fail..." she whispered as Derek pressed his cheek to her head. "I don't want to fail as a mother..."

Derek's grip on her hand tightened, and he gave her hand a tight squeeze before replying, "You won't. _We _won't fail as parents...We'll figure something out. We'll figure something out to shield our kids from...us." He squeezed her hand once again and then wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Meredith gave a small nod, wanting nothing more to believe her husband in that moment.

* * *

_Let's take a trip in a trailer_

_No need to come back at all_

_Let's take a powder to Boston for chowder_

_Let's get away from it all_

Derek stood in the doorway of the daycare, watching his four – almost five year old daughter playing with her friends. She was laughing and giggling, her dimpled cheeks making her look even more adorable than she already was. Derek's heart swelled with love and pride as he watched his daughter play happily, and he smiled a little to himself. But then, he remembered his earlier conversation with his wife and the smile disappeared from his face. Sighing heavily, he walked inside the daycare, his heart feeling heavy with guilt and a lot of other emotions that he couldn't quite place a finger on.

"Daddy!" Zola squealed excitedly as soon as she spotted him coming towards her. Dropping her toys, she stood up and broke into a run towards her father.

Derek met his daughter halfway and scooped her up in his arms, laughing as she planted a big, wet kiss on his smooth cheek.

"There is my princess," Derek said as he placed a kiss of his own on her cheek. Pulling back, he carried Zola over to the bean bag and sat down on it with his daughter in his lap.

"How comed you visit me, Daddy? Don't ya have to go and be a doctor and save lives?" Zola asked, scrunching up her nose just like her mother.

"Well, I have to. But, I thought that I'd come and pay a short visit to my princess," Derek replied as he tickled Zola's sides, causing her to erupt into a fit of giggles.

"Daddy! Stop tickling! 'Tis not nice," Zola said amidst giggles and peals of laughter.

Derek stopped tickling his daughter and looked at her for a minute. She was so innocent and young – he still couldn't bring himself to believe that she thought that he would leave her.

"ZoZo, I've to talk to you," Derek started to say in a serious voice, but stopped when Zola's eyes widened and she clapped her hands over her mouth.

"Am I in trouble, Daddy?" Zola asked in the cutest way, making Derek crack a smile. "I swear I didn't steal any cookies after dinner last night," she said, causing Derek to raise an eyebrow at her.

"Hmm...I never said that, did I?" Derek asked quizzically. "ZoZo, did you steal any cookies after dinner last night?" he asked in a mock stern voice.

Zola bit her lower lip nervously and then gave him a sheepish grin. "Only one cookie, Daddy, swear! Auntie Amy let me have only one!"

Derek raised his eyebrows. "Oh, so you and your Auntie Amy have been up to this, huh?"

"Don't tell Mommy, pleeeeaaaase!" Zola said with a pleading look on her face. "If Mommy knows, she'll hide the cookie jar again, and then I can have no more cookies! Please, Daddy," Zola begged, causing Derek to finally give up.

"Fine," Derek said with a laugh as he pressed a kiss to his daughter's head. "I won't tell Mommy, but don't eat cookies after dinner again, ok? It'll cause your tummy to ache and then you'll not feel nice," Derek said in a warning tone.

"I won't, pinky promise!"Zola said, holding up her little finger. Derek wrapped his own pinky around Zola's little finger and sealed the promise.

"Okay," Derek said, smiling at his daughter's adorable activities, but his smile fell as soon as he remembered why he had gone to the daycare in the first place. He cleared his throat a little and then said, "ZoZo, now, Mommy told me what you said to her this morning. Do you think that I'm going to leave you?"Derek wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the answer to that, but he asked anyway.

Zola's mouth rounded as she realized what her father was talking about. She looked away from her father guiltily and mumbled out, "I just – you and Mommy fight so much nowadays...Sara's Mommy and Daddy also use to fight a lot and then Sara's Daddy leaved her. That's why I thinked that..."

Derek wrapped his arms around his daughter's tiny frame and whispered, "I'm sorry that I and Mommy fight so much, sweetie. But, just because we fight doesn't mean that I don't love you all anymore and that I'm gonna leave you. I'm never ever gonna leave you, Bails and Mommy, honey. I love you all a lot, honey; I'd never leave you guys."

"Well, Mommy said that in the morning..." Zola mumbled and then pulled back from her father's embrace. "Pinky promise?" she asked innocently and held up her pinky.

"Pinky promise," Derek said firmly as he entwined his little finger with his daughter's once more, giving Zola the reassurance she needed. And suddenly, Derek knew that he and Meredith had to fix their mess as soon as possible, just for the sake of their daughter.

* * *

_We'll travel 'round from town to town_

_We'll visit ev'ry state_

_I'll repeat, "I love you sweet!"_

_In all the forty eight_

Meredith pushed the door of the attendings' lounge open and stepped inside, stopping in her tracks when she came face to face with her husband. She hadn't spoken to Derek after their earlier conversation in the on-call room. She didn't know what to say to him – she had no idea whatsoever. He was sitting on the couch with his iPad in his hands, and he had been looking at something on his iPad intently prior to her entrance. Their eyes locked across the room and Meredith turned around to shut the door.

"Hey," Derek said softly as Meredith shut the door and walked over to him slowly.

"Hey," she replied as she reached the couch and took a seat on it beside her husband. "Did you talk to Zola?" she asked, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Yes, yes, I did," Derek replied, looking at her face. "She – she was really scared that I'd..." Derek gulped, not being able to say the word 'leave.' Even the thought of leaving his family made the bile rise in his throat. "She made me pinky promise her that I wouldn't leave..."

Meredith closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. "I knew it...I knew that our fighting was affecting her, and I didn't do anything about it...We just kept fighting, and now...now, the damage is done..."

"Hey," Derek said as he set his iPad aside and grabbed Meredith's hand. "It's not your fault – it's _our _fault that we didn't pay any attention to how our constant fighting could affect Zola. And...And the damage is not done, Meredith. We can still prevent the permanent damage," he said softly, stroking the skin of Meredith's hand with the pad of his thumb.

"How?" Meredith asked, shrugging her shoulders. "How are we gonna prevent the permanent damage, Derek? We fight a lot these days, and let's be honest with each other – our share of fights isn't even close to being over yet. Just because we didn't fight this week doesn't mean we're not gonna fight next week. We're still recovering from...everything and the fights are gonna be there, Derek. And not the occasional fights...Frequent fights...They'll not dwindle overnight," Meredith pointed out rationally, rubbing her hand over her face in despair and disappointment. "How are we going to shield our kids from all the things that are about to come our way?"

Derek let out a soft sigh before saying, "I've been thinking about it all day...And," he paused, "I think I have come up with a solution. I mean, it may not be a permanent solution, but temporarily, it could work..."He trailed off, eyeing Meredith carefully.

"What?" Meredith queried, her curiosity piqued.

Derek left her hand and picked up his iPad again. "We could," he said, "We could go for a small vacation..." He paused a little and then said, "Without the kids."

Meredith's eyebrows shot up, and she looked at her husband like he had grown two heads. "What?! A vacation? Without the kids?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah..." Derek said as he turned the iPad towards her. "I've been looking at a few holiday resorts, and we could go away for a few days –"

"Wait," Meredith said, cutting him off, "And how exactly is this going to solve our problem?"

"Well," Derek said, "The kids would get a break from our constant fighting...And we'd get a break from work, kids and everything and we could spend more time working on our relationship..."

Meredith bit her lower lip and looked away from her husband. She remained mum for a minute before saying, "Derek, are you out of your mind? How can we just go on a vacation without the kids? Zola is only four, Derek, and Bailey? He is barely two. How can we leave our four-year-old daughter and two-year-old son alone and go on a vacation?"

"Meredith..." Derek said, "Zola is almost five. And we talked about this before, remember? You weren't so opposed to the idea back then...Then, why does it sound so impossible to you now?"

"Because," Meredith said with a sarcastic laugh, "Derek – we can't just up and leave our kids and go on a vacation! Who would look after them while we're away?"

"Amy –"Derek started to say, but Meredith cut him off.

"Derek, we can't just impose our kids on your sister and leave. That's just wrong, ok? We can't do that. And besides, don't you remember the last time we left our kids with your sister? She was...devastated by the end of the day, and our house was a complete mess and...And it was only for a day! She couldn't manage it for one day, how will she manage it for a few days? Not to mention that she runs an entire department, Derek. She's busy – crazy busy. She won't have the time to look after two kids and work," Meredith pointed out the reasons.

"But, Alex could help her..."

"Alex? Derek, Alex is really good with the kids, but please, he has enough on his own plate right now. He can't look after _our _kids too, while we're away vacationing. And let's not even talk about who'd take care of the kids. Let's talk about how the _kids _will react when they find out that we're going on a vacation without them," Meredith said, "Do you think it'll be so easy to go and tell Zola that 'Honey, we're going on a vacation, and we're not taking you or your brother with us?' How can the idea even come to your mind?"

"Meredith," Derek said, "I know it's gonna be a little tough, but I think we can manage. We need to do this – for us and for the kids. Who knows, maybe we can sort our crap out while we're away..."

"Derek, please," Meredith said, raising her hand, "It has been about a month since..." she paused, not knowing what to say before continuing, "since your return from D.C., and we have hardly made any progress in that month. If we can't sort our crap out in a month, how can you even think that we can solve it in a few days? A vacation is not magic, Derek."

"I know that!" Derek exclaimed. "I know all of those things, Mer, but you never know. A vacation may not be magic, but it's certainly a break from our rut. Yes, we haven't been able to sort out our mess in a month, but that's because we hardly see each other! We're always busy at work, or with the kids...A vacation without the kids will give us more time with each other, and even if we can't fix all our problems, we can fix a few of them. And we may come up with a way to tone down our fighting too," Derek reasoned with his wife.

Meredith stared at him for a minute before shaking her head adamantly. "No, Derek. My answer is no. I can't go vacationing without the kids – it's too cruel!"

"You know what else is cruel?" Derek asked, his temper ticking up. "Subjecting our small, innocent kids to our ugly fights and screaming matches every other day. That's what's cruel. Believe me, the kids will be relieved to get away from us and our fights for a few days," Derek spat angrily, causing Meredith's eyes to widen.

"Wha – I – What did you say?" Meredith sputtered, aghast.

"It's the truth," Derek said with a shrug.

"You – you are a jerk!" Meredith exclaimed loudly. "You're such a jerk! I can't believe... You think that your stupid idea of a vacation could actually work? Fine, let's go on a vacation, and I'll prove it to you that it's not gonna solve any of our problems. If anything, it's gonna cause more problems for us, but since you won't listen to a word I say...Let's go on a vacation, darling," Meredith said in a derisive tone.

"Fine!" Derek exclaimed.

"Fine!" Meredith echoed and then added in a high-pitched voice, "Oh, and darling? You're gonna talk to your sister and the kids and convince them." Meredith gave her husband a sarcastic smile before turning away from him and folding her arms across her chest angrily.

"Fine. I'll do it and show you that it's not as difficult as you think it is," Derek said with a huff as he turned away from his wife in anger too.

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Stop copying me!" Meredith huffed.

"Whatever, _honey_," Derek drawled out with a shrug, giving his wife a faux sweet smile.

_Let's go again to Niag'ra_

_This time we'll look at the fall_

_Let's leave our hut, dear_

_Get out of our rut, dear_

_Let's get away from it all..._

* * *

**A/N: I told you that you'd be happy with the ending (I hope)! I had to write this chapter, for a lot of different reasons. One of the primary reasons for writing this chapter was that I wanted to highlight how deeply a couple's fights can affect their children. When parents fight in a violent way, the collateral damage to kids can last a lifetime, and I'm saying that based on my personal experiences. Zola has been deeply affected by her parents' fight, and that's why I decided that it was necessary for MerDer as well as Zola to get a break from everything. I hope you understand my decision.**

**Let me know what you all think about this. I always appreciate your thoughts :)**

**Song Lyrics from "Let's Get Away From It All" by Frank Sinatra**

**~ooOOoo~**

**A reply to the reviews –**

**bhavyam1998 – **Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Agreed! I wish they had explored a bit more of Derek's past on the show. We just knew about Seattle Derek, but all fans wanted to know all about Derek Shepherd, including NY Derek. But, don't worry, I bring up some NY Derek in this fic quite a few times. I've always loved Mer and Amy's friendship, and I try to showcase it whenever I can. And yes, Derek is giving Mer the space she needs, but he isn't always perfect, like you saw in this chapter. Hope you liked this chapter as well! Thanks!

**Patsy – **Thanks so much for your kind words! Your review made my day! Yes, we're just into step one of the healing phase – there's still a long way to go. I'm extremely gratified to hear that! Thank you!

**Paisley Mae – **Thanks for reading and reviewing! Your review makes my day brighter! And don't be sorry about not reviewing the last chapter; it's okay, it happens. Thank you!

**msnovelist – **Thank you so much! Glad you think so! Hope you liked this update! :)

**mandyg67 – **Thank you! I'm happy that you liked it – I'm very fussy about details and how I write them, and it's good to know that I didn't botch it. Thanks!

**Ellen – **Thanks so much! I'm extremely gratified that you think so. Yes, I love Mer and Amy's friendship too. That's why I try to portray it whenever I can. They go so well together. Thank you!

**Guest – **Thank you so much! I'm extremely glad to know that my fanfic got you out of your funk. Your review made my day! More is on the way!

**Jill – **Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! McDreamy is back, but he can be a McAss too when he wants to be. Hope you liked this chapter, even though it was a bit darker :)


	15. Flashlight

**A/N: Hello, readers! I know it's been a while since I updated any of my stories, but I had another round of tests going on, so I took a little break to study...Sorry for making you all wait so long for this, but here it is. And you can expect updates to be a little more regular now...Enjoy!**

**P.S. All the names of the places mentioned in this chapter are real, but the names of the people – I just made them up for fun!**

* * *

_**Flashlight**_

_When tomorrow comes_

_I'll be on my own_

_Feeling frightened of_

_The things that I don't know_

_When tomorrow comes_

_Tomorrow comes_

_Tomorrow comes_

"I still can't believe I actually agreed to do this," Meredith mumbled as she settled beside her husband in the backseat and the cab started to move.

"I heard that," Derek remarked, casting his wife a sideways glance and a knowing smirk.

Meredith rolled her eyes, as if saying duh-huh. "Good, because I wanted you to," she quipped back and folded her arms. Derek only chuckled beside her in response and silence descended over the duo. Derek turned his eyes towards the window of the cab and trained his eyes on the streets passing by them.

"This was such a stupid idea. Stupid stupid stupid idea," Meredith mumbled loudly once more, causing Derek to close his eyes in frustration.

"Meredith..." Derek said on a sigh. He loved his wife to death, but his wife really knew how to push his buttons. "Stop complaining. We are already here, it's done. We can't go back, so just settle in and enjoy the beauty of Cape May while we are here. 'Cause we're not gonna be here forever," he said softly.

After Meredith had begrudgingly agreed to his idea of a vacation, Derek had surfed the internet and finally come up with a small, quiet, quaint vacation spot called Cape May in New Jersey. Granted, it was all the way across the country, but Derek had immediately fallen in love with the place from the articles he had read and the pictures he had seen. So, after a very difficult conversation with Zola about why she couldn't come to the vacation with them, Derek had called his mom, Carolyn Shepherd. At first, Derek had felt a colossal amount of guilt as he had awkwardly asked his mother to come to Seattle and look after his kids while he and his wife went on a vacation, but Carolyn had been so blissed-out at the prospect of spending uninterrupted time with her youngest grandchildren that all of Derek's earlier guilt and trepidation had dispelled in a minute. He knew that his mom was more than happy to spend time with her grandchildren, and the kids were hopped-up about spending time with their grandma too. Even Zola had stopped pouting when she had heard that her grandma was coming to stay with them, and it was a win-win situation. The kids were happy, Carolyn was happy, Derek didn't have to worry about the kids all the time because they were in good hands, he didn't feel as guilty anymore – even Amelia was happy about the vacation that he and Meredith were taking. The only person who wasn't happy, however, was his wife – Meredith.

And now, as the cab navigated through the streets of Cape May, taking them to the cottage that Derek had rented, Derek looked at his wife and found a sullen expression on her face.

"Mer..." Derek murmured softly, "Mer, please don't sulk. We are on a vacation, you should be happy."

Meredith didn't avert her eyes from the window as she replied, "I can't be happy when I'm all the way across the country from my two little kids. God, I miss them already." Meredith sighed as she took her phone out of her bag.

"Who are you texting?" Derek queried as he watched his wife type something on her phone.

"Amy," Meredith replied tersely. When Derek gave her a look, she elaborated, "Amy doesn't have to go in till 3 in the afternoon, so she must be at home with your mom and the kids. I'm just texting her to see how things are going there."

"Meredith," Derek breathed out, "We just left Seattle a few hours ago. And we called Mom at the airport about half an hour ago to check in on her and the kids. You don't need to text or call them every five minutes."

Meredith looked up at Derek sternly. "Derek, I'm a mother who is currently away from her kids. What else do you expect? I'm gonna worry, alright? I'm gonna worry and I'm gonna check on them every five minutes because I miss them, ok? I miss them, and you don't get to talk since it was your idea to go on a vacation to a place all the way across the country. You dragged me out here in the middle of...of wilderness. Why couldn't we have gone to Whistler or Victoria or Port Angeles or...I don't know...someplace close to home? Why New Jersey? Why on the opposite coast? Why this place?" Meredith asked, her chest heaving from her mild rant.

Derek opened his mouth and then closed it, at a loss for words. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, he said, "Cause this place has award-winning beaches, many examples of Victorian Architecture and a rich history. And –"

"Don't quote Wikipedia to me!" Meredith cut in, rolling her eyes.

"And I really took to this place after reading about it online. I thought that you'll love it here, since you love the water and the ocean. I thought we'll both have a good time here. It's quiet and peaceful and...I thought it'd be a nice break. A better resort than Whistler or Victoria," Derek murmured, the last words coming out as the ghost of a whisper.

Meredith closed her eyes and let out a soft breath. She opened her eyes and looked at her husband, her eyes softer this time. "I'm sorry. I – I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sulk or bitch like that...I don't want to be a bitch. I just...I miss the kids and I feel awfully guilty about leaving them with your mom and...sorry. I know you wanted what was best for us."

Derek looked up at his wife and cupped her cheek in his palm. "I know, Mer, I know. I miss the kids too and believe me, I feel just as guilty. But, we are doing this for them too. The happier we are, the better for our kids. We need this for our marriage, and the kids need this for us. A healthy, happy marriage means happy kids, remember?"

"Yes," Meredith murmured, leaning into her husband's touch. "Yes, I know that. I – sorry. I'll stop being a bitch. I know that the kids need this just as much as we do...And for the record, apart from the whole guilt thing, I'm happy that you brought us here. I do love the ocean and the beach," she said with a small smile.

"I know you do," Derek said, mirroring her smile. "Just...relax, okay? Forget about Seattle, work, stress and everything else and just relax. Live in this moment."

"Okay, I'll do that," Meredith said as she and Derek turned their eyes back to the windows. Meredith exhaled inaudibly before muttering, "Or I'll try, at least," under her breath.

* * *

_And though the road is long_

_I look up to the sky_

_And in the dark I found,_

_I lost hope that I won't fly_

_And I sing along, I sing along_

_And I sing along_

The cab pulled up in front of a modest looking house on 2nd Beach Avenue. Opening the car door, Meredith got out of the car and looked at the house for a minute before turning her eyes towards view in front of her. Her mouth fell open slightly as she took in the panorama stretching in front of her eyes – the deep blue Atlantic Ocean, the sandy beach and the white surf along the shore.

"You got us an oceanfront cottage?!" Meredith said with a gasp as she tore her eyes away from the deep blue ocean reluctantly and looked at her husband, who was paying the cab fare.

"I did," Derek said, the corners of his lips twitching as he saw the surprise scrawled all over his wife's face through the dark brown lenses of his sunglasses.

"I – this – Derek," Meredith stammered as her lips stretched out into a wide smile involuntarily and she turned her eyes back towards the view in front of her. "You didn't tell me that you were getting us an oceanfront cottage! This is...amazing. We literally have the ocean at our door," she said, awestruck.

"Well, if I told you, then how would I get to see this gorgeous smile on your face?" Derek asked, taking off his sunglasses. "I'm glad that you approve. Oh, and not only do we have the ocean at our door, but also a restaurant," Derek said, motioning towards a small brick-walled restaurant on the other side of the street. "The Cove Seaside Restaurant and Deck."

Meredith turned her head to look at the restaurant and then looked back at her husband with a wide grin. "Ah, nice! We have a restaurant just across the street. We have to make a pit stop there now. Cause I don't know about you, but I am famished," she said as she grabbed the handle of her trolley case and started wheeling it towards the house.

"I don't expect otherwise, since you didn't eat anything in the morning or on the plane," Derek said as he took out the keys of the house that they had picked up on their way to the cottage. He inserted the silver key in the lock and clicked it open. The door swung backwards as Meredith and Derek entered the cottage and looked around the place.

"Well, I couldn't eat because I was too upset and guilty about leaving the kids, and the goodbyes and everything...I guess my stomach was filled with guilt and sadness..." Meredith remarked as she looked around the large living room with leather couches and the kitchen. "This place is nice...Very...homey."

Derek smiled as he deposited their bags in one corner and walked towards his wife. "Good. Homey was what I was going for," he said as he caught Meredith's elbow. "Come, I wanna show you something," he said as he started pulling Meredith towards one of the rooms.

"What?" Meredith asked as she and Derek entered one of the two bedrooms. It was big and Meredith could only guess that it was the master bedroom. She looked at the bed and the armchair and then turned towards Derek with a quizzical expression on her face. "What did you want me to see?"

Derek shook his head slightly as he pulled her towards the large window in the wall of the bedroom. It was covered with heavy curtains, but Derek pulled the curtains open as he and Meredith approached the window.

Meredith's soft gasp brought a smile to Derek's face as his eyes drank in the unbroken view of the ocean. The blue stretched on for miles, along with the white sandy shore.

"You like?" Derek asked, looking at his wife's face.

"Do I like it?" Meredith said as she laughed softly. "Derek, I love it! We have a view of the ocean!" she exclaimed excitedly.

"Well, I thought we would, since this cottage is built on the oceanfront," Derek joked with a chuckle.

"Shut up," Meredith said, slapping Derek's arm lightly. "Don't make stupid jokes. Really, we have this amazing view of the ocean, right in our bedroom! We can...we can look at it whenever we want, and...and at night, we can even sleep with the curtains open so that we can fall asleep while gazing at the ocean and the waves breaking on the shore. And the ocean is the first thing we'll see when we wake up in the morning! God, this is absolutely beautiful! I love this; it's like out of a storybook or something...Oh, the kids would have loved it here too!" Meredith exclaimed suddenly. "Zola...she would have squealed with joy and jumped up and down with crazy excitement, and she'd have said something like, 'Mommy, I love this place! Let's stay here forever!' And Bailey would have been giggling like crazy and drooling all over me," Meredith said wistfully with a small laugh.

"Yeah..." Derek agreed as he mirrored his wife's expression and draped an arm around her shoulders. "The kids really would have loved it here."

"Oh, why didn't we bring them with us?" Meredith asked, tilting her head and resting it on Derek's shoulder as they gazed at the view together. "They would have loved this place."

"Hmm..." Derek hummed as he rubbed his wife's shoulder. "I know, but we needed to get some alone time. And besides, we can always come back here again and bring the kids with us..."

"Really? We can come here again?" Meredith asked, raising her head from Derek's shoulder.

"Of course we can. We can even come this year, if you want to. And next time, it'll be a family trip, I promise," Derek said, pressing a kiss to his wife's forehead.

"Oh, that would be so great," Meredith rejoined longingly. Suddenly, she exclaimed, "Derek, we have hardly been in Cape May for two hours and we are already making plans about coming back! Are we crazy?!"

Derek chortled as he pressed his cheek to his wife's head. "I guess it's part of the Cape May magic," he said.

"Hmm...Cape May magic, huh?" Meredith asked rhetorically. "I miss the kids so much right now. Can we FaceTime them? Oh, and we can even show them the ocean that way!" Meredith remarked excitedly as she pulled back from Derek slightly.

Derek's face broke out into a smile as he shook his head and tucked a strand of Meredith's hair behind her ear. "How about we go and have lunch at The Cove first? I think we were just talking about someone being famished."

"Oh, yeah, that..." Meredith said with a sheepish smile and shook her head. "I forgot in all my excitement. You're right, let's go and have lunch first. Then we can come back and unpack our things and FaceTime the kids."

"Hmm...Come on," Derek said as Meredith took his hand and the duo walked out of the bedroom.

"You really outdid yourself this time, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith remarked with a giggle as she put on her sunglasses.

"Oh, I knew you'd love it here. I'm seldom wrong," Derek replied smugly as the twosome made their way over to the restaurant on the opposite side of the street.

_I got all I need when I got you and I_

_I look around me, and see a sweet life_

_I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight_

_You're getting me, getting me through the night_

_Can't stop my heart when you shinin' in my eyes_

_Can't lie, it's a sweet life_

_I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight_

_You're getting me, getting me through the night_

'_Cause you're my flashlight_

_You're my flashlight_

_You're my flashlight_

* * *

The Cove was a quaint little restaurant on 2nd Beach Ave, right on the shore of the famous Cove Beach of Cape May. The restaurant had red brick walls, potted plants around the perimeter and an outdoor seating area; the patio was filled with cute round tables and white and yellow plastic chairs. The customers were seated in such a way that they could have a clear view of the ocean and the big waves crashing against the jetty. The patio wasn't bustling with people, but it wasn't exactly empty either. Meredith and Derek seated themselves at one of the tables and Meredith picked up the menu card, her eyes sweeping over her surroundings.

"This restaurant is nice. Quaint and cosy. I like it," Meredith remarked as she read the names of the items on the menu.

"I know, right?" Derek asked as he picked up a menu card too. "Everything about Cape May feels so cosy and homey...It doesn't feel like we are in a foreign city at all."

"Hmm...So, what do you wanna eat? They have some regular foods here, as well as some seafood..."

"Um, I think I'll pass on the seafood and just have a burger and salad," Derek said definitively.

Meredith rolled her eyes in response. "Of course. As usual, you'll be boring and choose a normal lunch. What's wrong with trying some seafood? We are at a beach, after all. Try the clam chowder."

"Why don't you try the clam chowder?" Derek quipped back with a quirk of his eyebrow. "You are not boring like me."

Meredith scrunched up her nose and made a face. "No, not the chowder," she said, causing Derek to chuckle. "I'll try something different though. Cheese steaks and crab cakes, yeah."

"Because that's so seafoodish..."

"Hey, it's got crabs in it, and crabs are part of seafood, right?" Meredith quipped back with a smirk.

"Whatever floats your boat..."Derek said with a smile. They placed their orders and the waiter left their table.

"So..." Meredith said aimlessly, attempting to start a conversation. "Did I tell you that Zola got a gold star in school a couple weeks ago for helping her teacher clean up the classroom?"

"Really? She did?" Derek asked with a surprised look. "Wow, that's great. Why didn't she tell me about it?" he wondered out loud.

"She's a kid, Derek. She must have forgotten," Meredith said casually.

"Hmm...She's growing up so fast, Mer. Both she and Bailey are growing up so fast."

"I know, right?" Meredith said, placing her elbows on the table and leaning a bit towards her husband. "Zola is already in preschool and Bailey has started talking. Before we know, both of them will be off to college and then they won't want anything to do with us. We'll just be a lonely old couple then, sitting around at home."

"Well, see, that's why I think that we should have a couple more kids," Derek said with a smirk, half joking and half serious.

Meredith raised her eyebrows at her husband. "A couple more? Are you crazy? In no way am I having four kids under one roof. I love my children, but they'd drive us nuts," Meredith said with a laugh.

"How about just one more then?" Derek asked, a lazy grin spreading across his face and his face completely serious this time.

Meredith blushed upon hearing her husband's remark. She didn't know why she was blushing like a middle-schoolgirl; it was not like she didn't already have kids with her husband. She hadn't blushed when he had said that they should have a couple more kids, then why was she blushing now? Maybe, because his face had been half joking during his previous remark, but now his face was drop-dead serious. Sexy, even.

"I dunno," Meredith said, flexing her fingers with a coy smile. "Not right now...But, a year from now, maybe. Less than a year...It depends."

"On what?" Derek probed, his smile growing.

"Ugh, I don't know!" Meredith exclaimed, her cheeks turning a deep shade of pink. "Stop asking stupid questions. We are on a vacation; why are we even talking about future kids?"

"Hmm..." Derek hummed, smiling inwardly. "That's true, though. Ever since we boarded the plane, we have only been talking about the kids," Derek said, frowning a little. "About how we are bad parents for leaving the kids behind, how the kids would have loved this place; heck, we are still talking about kids! We shouldn't be talking about our kids all the time while on a vacation."

"We shouldn't," Meredith agreed. "We are on a vacation; we could have just stayed at home if we wanted to talk about the kids all the time...But, I can't think of anything else to talk about, you know? I can only think of the kids," Meredith admitted truthfully.

"I guess we just miss the kids a lot. We are too used to them being around...That, or we feel too guilty to stop talking about them," Derek rejoined.

"I think it's a little bit of both. Do you think we'll become bad parents if we stop talking about our children for a while?" Meredith asked, biting her lower lip. "I mean, we love our kids and we love talking about them, and when you become parents, your children become the apple of your eye...And kids are our favourite topic, and we did leave our two very adorable kids alone in Seattle and came vacationing out here..." Meredith maundered on, causing Derek to crack a smile.

_I see the shadows long beneath the mountain top_

_I'm not afraid when the rain won't stop_

'_Cause you light the way_

_You light the way, you light the way_

"We didn't leave them alone – we left them with their grandma and aunt. And I don't think we'll become bad parents if we stop talking about our children for a while," Derek replied. "That's the point of a vacation, right? Not to talk about kids and work and all that other stuff and just being ourselves...We need to let go of our guilt and just...talk..."

"About what?" Meredith asked, giggling slightly. "The only thing that comes to my mind is Zola. And Bailey. And their antics."

"Did I tell you that the rental house we are staying at, it belongs to the owner of this place?" Derek asked, waving his hand around.

"The house belongs to The Cove's owner?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah, Jack and Janet Jones. They own this restaurant and the house."

"That explains a lot about the house and the restaurant being on opposite sides of the street," Meredith said. "And Jack and Janet Jones, seriously? That's a mouthful. Talk of alliterative names. That's a lot of Js," Meredith said with a laugh and Derek joined in.

"It is. Jack and Janet Jones. But, I think it's cute," Derek said with a crooked smile. "For a couple to have names starting with the same first letters. It must be fate or something. A couple of researchers looked at the names of 40k married couples in the US and found that alliteration, that is, choosing a partner whose first name begins with the same letters as one's own, 'exerts a statistically significant but small effect on mate selection.'"

Meredith threw her head back and laughed at Derek's statement. "Seriously? That's cheesy as hell and nuts. It makes no sense. Why would someone be more inclined to marry someone whose name starts with the same letter as the person's own? And, may I ask how you know all this?" Meredith said with a quirk of her eyebrow.

Derek shifted a little in his chair and suddenly looked uncomfortable. "I...I read an article on the internet a while back," he admitted sheepishly, causing Meredith to erupt into giggles once more.

"Really? You read all this...crazy, cheesy, corny stuff on the internet?" Meredith asked amidst her laughter. "I didn't know that my husband had an inner geek," she remarked, waiting for Derek's reaction.

Derek gasped softly. "I am not a geek!" he exclaimed loudly. "I just...I came across this article fortuitously," he defended himself.

"Fine, you're not a geek," Meredith said with a knowing smirk. "Just a cheesy, corny, hopeless romantic at heart then," she tacked on, causing Derek's cheeks to turn pink.

Meredith beamed as she watched her husband's pink tinged cheeks. It was fun roasting her husband; he was so adorable when he blushed, even though it happened rarely. Besides, it was payback – he had had her blushing the same way a few minutes ago.

"It's explains something though," Meredith remarked, causing Derek to look at her curiously.

"What?"

"Why Mickey Mouse was paired with Minnie and Daisy Duck with Donald. And Ross with Rachel," Meredith said with a giggle. "I never could figure that out. Thanks, Derek. Now I know - alliteration was behind it all. All cause it sounds better."

"Shut up," Derek said with a groan. "I told you that because I thought it was cute, and you're making fun of me."

Meredith gasped in fake shock. "Make fun of you? I could never do that," she said with a dead serious look on her face. "By the way, according to your 'statistics,'" Meredith said with air quotes, "I should me named something starting with D, or you should be named something starting with an M. I think I better change my name to Debbie or Debra or something..." Meredith said, trying to suppress her smile. "Or Dorothy, maybe."She grimaced as she said the name 'Dorothy.'

Derek shook his head and gave her a small smile. "Nope. I like your original name way too much. I love Meredith. You don't have to change one hair for me, ever," Derek said with a heart-warming smile. "You and I are already meant to be. Names don't matter."

Meredith's heart melted into a puddle of goo as she looked into Derek's eyes that were gazing back at her lovingly. How did he always manage to do it? Say something or do something that just touched her heart and made her thought process run cold? How?

"Derek..." Meredith whispered, leaning towards him over the small table involuntarily. Her eyes were fixed on his deep ocean-blue orbs and her heart was beating wildly in her chest for some weird reason.

Derek leant a little towards her too, but before either could make a move, someone cried out, "Look, dolphins!"

That caused the spell to break, and Meredith's and Derek's heads immediately snapped up. They turned their heads just in time to see the tails of two dolphins disappearing into the blue water with a swoosh.

"Oh, wow!" Meredith exclaimed, looking at the disappearing tails of the dolphins in awe. "I love dolphins, they are so fascinating!"

"They are," Derek agreed with a nod as he noticed the childlike excitement on his wife's face. "You know what, we'll take a tour on the Cape May Whale Watcher and the Spirit of Cape May and spot dolphins and whales in the ocean," Derek said with a grin.

"Really? The dolphin and whale watching boats? We'll take a tour on them?"

"Of course. We are here to tour, after all. And marine creatures are always fascinating to watch..."Derek replied.

"Oh, that'd be awesome!" Meredith said, clapping her hands together. "Are we going to do a lot of sightseeing on this trip? Are we going to sightsee today too?" Meredith probed.

"That," Derek said as the waiter came back to their table with their orders, "is a surprise. Now, what fun would it be if I told you everything that I have planned for us on this trip?"

"But, I don't like surprises," Meredith said with a pout.

"Well, you sure did when you saw the oceanfront cottage and the spectacular view from our bedroom," Derek quipped back with a smirk.

"Derek! Please, tell me what you have planned for us today! Please, please, please, please! Pretty please," Meredith said, causing Derek and the waiter to chortle.

"Mer, you're behaving like Zola," Derek said. "I told you it's a surprise."

Meredith folded her arms and frowned. "Fine. Don't tell me. I'll wangle it out of you," Meredith challenged boldly.

"I'd like to see you try," Derek replied. "My lips are sealed."

"We'll see."

"We'll see. Let's have our lunch, shall we?" Derek said as the duo started their lunch, talking away about everything and anything under the sun, and Meredith trying to get Derek to disclose his plans in vain.

_I got all I need when I got you and I_

_I look around me, and see a sweet life_

_I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight_

_You're getting me, getting me through the night_

_Can't stop my heart when you shinin' in my eyes_

_I can't lie, it's a sweet life_

_I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight_

_You're getting me, getting me through the night_

* * *

In the evening, Meredith stood in front of the cheval mirror in the master bedroom, brushing her hair. The day had been quite uneventful after her and Derek's lunch at The Cove since both of them had felt too tired and drowsy after their heavy lunch and had decided to take an afternoon nap to sleep off the jet lag. The afternoon nap had turned into a deep slumber of three hours, and when they had finally woken up at 6 p.m., Derek had told her to get ready to go to the beach. Meredith had been mildly confused as to why they were going to the beach all of a sudden, but she had not questioned it since she really wanted to see the ocean up close. So, after a quick FaceTime with the kids and Carolyn, Derek had gone into the bathroom to take a shower and Meredith was left alone in the bedroom to get ready.

Meredith slipped on a green shirt and a pair of black jeans, and took a light shawl with her just in case it was cold at the beach. She applied a bit of lip gloss to her lips and ran her fingers through her hair one last time before turning away from the mirror and walking over to the large window. She gazed at the breakers in the ocean while waiting for Derek to come out of the bathroom. Meredith noticed that the beach was a little crowded, and she wondered why. Maybe, people liked to dip their toes in the water at night, she thought. She was so engrossed in staring at all the people on the beach that she didn't realize when someone came and stood behind her.

"Ready?" Derek breathed into Meredith's ear, bringing Meredith back to reality. She turned around to face her husband and her breath hitched a little in her throat. Derek was wearing a powder blue shirt and black jeans, and the soft blue colour of his shirt brought out the darker shade of indigo in his eyes.

Meredith smiled gently at him and nodded silently, and Derek took her hand, leading her out of the bedroom. As they exited the house and Derek began locking the door, Meredith asked, "Why are there so many people on the beach?"

Derek finished locking the door and looked up at his wife with a nonchalant face. He shrugged and said, "I don't know. How would I know?"

Meredith furrowed her eyebrows together, sensing something fishy, but kept quiet about it. Derek took her hand again and led her towards the sandy Cove beach.

As the duo stepped onto the sand, Meredith bent over and took off her shoes. Swinging her converse shoes in her hand, Meredith giggled as she let her toes sink into the soft sand beneath her feet. "Take your shoes off," she told Derek, twirling around a little, "The sand feels so good."

Derek gave her a lopsided smile as he did as he was told to do. He wiggled his toes in the sand, and taking Meredith's hand, he allowed Meredith to twirl him around as way of a faux dance move. Meredith laughed as she twirled him around and then turned him back towards herself.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked with a giggle as Derek twirled her around this time. "There are so many people on the beach, what will they think?"

"I don't care," Derek said with a nonchalant shrug.

"Says the person who doesn't even dance in public! What happened to you? Are you harbouring a secret passion for dancing or something?"

Derek shook his head no and laughed. "No, I just wanted to twirl you around a bit. I always liked that move, that's all."

"You're turning weirder and weirder day by day," Meredith said with a light giggle as she and Derek started walking along the shoreline arm in arm. "Where are we going, by the way?"

"Wherever our legs take us..." Derek replied cryptically, causing Meredith to furrow her eyebrows with befuddlement.

"Seriously, that's your answer to where we are going?"

Derek nodded his head and Meredith laughed. "Derek...You...you're creeping me out. No, seriously, I'm not kidding," Meredith said with a grave expression on her face.

"Do you trust me?" Derek asked as a rejoinder, looking deep into Meredith's eyes.

The implication of his words was not lost on Meredith – the deeper meaning behind his seemingly simple words was as clear as day to her. However, she chose to ignore that implication for the moment.

"I trust that you are not taking me somewhere to murder me," Meredith replied light-heartedly, giggling as she watched the look on Derek's face.

"Nice. Thanks, Mer. I feel real loved now," Derek said with a roll of his eyes as they continued walking.

As the duo walked, Meredith noticed that they were slowly approaching a huge crowd of people. She was still not close enough to see what the crowd was all about, but she could see that it was a congregation of people on the beach. She thought about asking Derek about it once, but remembering how cryptic he was being earlier, she kept mum. As she and Derek walked nearer and nearer to the congregation, she could see people sprawled out on deckchairs and sitting on beach towels on the sand. A couple of men were setting up what seemed like a big screen.

"Derek...?" Meredith asked as they finally blended with the crowd. Several people were bustling around them, arranging the deckchairs and the beach towels. "What is...?" Meredith trailed off as she noticed someone setting up a laptop in the distance. She turned to Derek, wide-eyed, her mouth hanging open slightly.

"This is my surprise! Movie on the beach!" Derek said, beaming at her.

Meredith couldn't help the smile that spread out across her face as she looked around at all the people and then turned her eyes towards her husband. "Movie on the beach?! This – you –I –"

"Every Tuesday night is a movie night here...They are playing 'You've Got Mail' tonight..." Derek replied, grinning from ear to ear.

"Seriously? 'You've Got Mail?' That's one of my favourite movies!" Meredith exclaimed with childlike excitement. "And I have never attended movie nights on the beach! This is so exciting!"

"I know..." Derek said as he watched his wife's face light up. He had talked with the person in charge beforehand, and specially requested him to play "You've Got Mail" for Meredith. He knew that Meredith never admitted that it was her favourite, but in reality, it was. And the look on his wife's face made all his efforts and pleading worth it.

"Derek, this – thank you! Thank you so much," Meredith said, planting her lips on her husband's cheek quickly before pulling on his hand and navigating through the crowd, looking for a place to sit.

Derek smiled and allowed her to pull him towards an unoccupied beach towel.

"Come, let's sit here. We'll have a clear view of the screen from here. God, it's been so long since I watched a movie, let alone 'You've Got Mail,'" Meredith said as she sat down on the beach towel nonchalantly and pulled on Derek's hand, motioning him to sit.

Derek plopped down on the beach towel beside his wife and said, "You know, you are the only woman I know who'd sit on the sand so nonchalantly."

Meredith knitted her eyebrows together. "So what? What's wrong with sitting on the sand? Sand is not like mud or something...And besides, we are sitting on a beach towel," she said with a shrug and gave Derek a carefree smile that warmed his heart.

"Folks, the movie is about to start..." A person announced into the microphone before Derek could reply.

"Shh..." Meredith hushed Derek and trained her eyes on the large screen in front of them. "The movie is about to start."

Derek smiled and shook his head as he turned his eyes towards the screen too, and the movie began to play. As the movie began, Derek suddenly felt a warmth on his left hand that was resting on his knee. He looked down to find that Meredith's small hand was enveloping his large one. He smiled and intertwined their fingers together as he turned his attention back to the movie.

_You're my flashlight_

_Light light_

_You're my flashlight_

_Light light ye – yeah_

_You're my flashlight..._

* * *

**A/N: I finally sent them on a vacation! And the reason I chose Cape May is that I have been to Cape May and it's a really beautiful place, so it's easier for me to write tons of stuff about it. I hope it's okay; I didn't want to send them to the opposite coast, but I really wanted them to go to Cape May. I have another reason for doing it, but it'll be revealed later on.**

**Let me know what y'all think about this, if you're still hanging in there. I hope you are, because this ride has only begun! I appreciate all your thoughts :)**

**Song Lyrics from "Flashlight" by Jessie J**

**~ooOOoo~**

**A reply to the reviews –**

**greysfannn – **Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you think so. Thanks!

**DarkAndTwistyGrey – **Thanks for the review! I know the update wasn't really soon, but real life got me super busy. Sorry, and hope you liked this chapter!

**two harts – **Thank you for reading and reviewing! Parents fighting constantly does have a lasting impact on the children, and it's very important that parents understand that. That's why I basically decided to send them on a vacation – well, that and my love for Cape May! ;) You'll have to wait and watch if it works. Thanks!

**msnovelist – **Thank you! I so agree! They are extremely bad at the communication thing – you could see it reflected in this chapter too. But, they are learning with time :) Derek can be an ahole sometimes, but everyone has their lapses. Hope you liked this chapter!

**Patsy – **Thanks a lot, Patsy! Your sweet words make my day! I'm glad you think so about my story. And thanks a bunch for the idea about calling in Mama Shepherd – the idea was in the back of my mind but I really started considering it after reading your review. This is why I love my readers! Thank you! And sorry for the tardiness :P I would never abandon this story, so don't worry!

**dirtymistress12 – **Thank you so much! I'm so happy you think so! Hope you liked this one too!

**Jill – **Thank you! You're absolutely right – they need to heal as a couple first for their marriage and their family to grow stronger. Hmm...I haven't forgotten the sex, believe me. It's coming, and I hope that it'll be worth it when it finally happens. For now, a lot of healing coupled with some explosions! That good? :) Thank you!

**Ellen – **Thanks a lot! Your idea of calling in Mama Shepherd got my wheels spinning, because you were absolutely right! It's a win-win situation. But, as parents, Derek and Meredith still worry about the kids and miss them, especially Meredith because she feels guiltier. Hope you liked this chapter and the vacation spot I selected for them!

**pickmeforever – **Thank you so much! Glad you think so! Hope you liked the update!

**Carla – **Thank you so much for reviewing! Hope you liked the vacation spot I chose for them. I personally love it a lot, even though it's on the opposite coast for them :) Your ideas gave me inspiration for a lot of things, so thanks for letting me know! Thank you!

**Kiley – **Thanks so much! Not really an island, and no MerDer in the sheets, but I hope you liked it all the same! Thanks for your kind words, they made my day! :)

**Susan – **Thank you! So happy to hear that you are such a loyal reader of my fanfics – it truly means a lot to me. And I wouldn't abandon this story to save my life; no, I love this one too much. Don't worry, I may get a little tardy sometimes, but I'll always come back :) Thanks!


	16. Makin' Me Fall in Love Again

**A/N: Happy New Year, readers! Hope this new year brings in endless opportunities and joy for you! Since 'tis the beginning of the year, I wanted to give you something to be happy about. But, don't get too comfy. It's no secret that my love for angst knows no bounds ;) So, enjoy while this lasts!**

* * *

_**Makin' Me Fall in Love Again**_

_People will tell you that this kind of love will fade_

_That being in love like this is only a phase_

_But baby after all this time ain't nothin' changed_

_All you gotta do is look at me that way_

_And there you go makin' me fall in love again_

_There you go makin' me fall in love again_

The sun shone brightly and the light illumined the master bedroom, making Meredith's eyelids flicker. She slowly opened her eyes and squinted at the bright light, but her lips automatically stretched into a smile when her eyes met the view that the window overlooked. The incredibly blue water, so blue that her eyes hurt just by looking at it, stretched on for miles and the breakers crashed against the shore with a melodious sound. Meredith couldn't think of a better view to wake up to. She felt like she was in heaven. It had only been a day since her and Derek's arrival in Cape May, but the experience already felt paradisiacal to Meredith. It had definitely been a right decision to come to Cape May on a vacation.

Smiling to herself, Meredith snuggled under the blanket and scooted closer to her husband's warm body. The weather wasn't all that cold, but Meredith just wanted to be closer to her husband's body. It felt nice. The way Derek's arm was draped around her from behind – it felt nice. It didn't feel weird or uncomfortable anymore, like it used to feel when Derek had just returned from D.C. Now, it just felt nice and warm and cosy. And Meredith liked that bit of discovery. It had taken a long time for her and Derek to get to this place, but this was worth it all.

Turning around in Derek's embrace, Meredith readjusted the blanket and took a moment to look at her husband's face properly. His eyes were closed, concealing the deep, ocean blue irides that Meredith knew so well, his lips were parted slightly, and his chin had a hint of dark stubble. He must have forgotten to shave last night, Meredith mused to herself as she brought her hand up and gently touched the raven curls that sat atop his head, all tousled and sexy. She ran her fingers gently through his hair, her fingertips brushing his hairline in a feather-soft touch. He really had the world's most perfect hair. Who wouldn't call that kind of hair perfect? She let her hand travel downwards from his hair, tracing his strong jawline with her fingers.

"Mmmm..." Derek moaned in his sleep, his eyelids flickering.

Shit, Meredith thought to herself. She hadn't meant to wake her husband up. And she definitely hadn't wanted him to catch her staring at him, red-handed.

Derek cracked an eye open and looked at her blearily. He squinted due to the bright sunlight as he mumbled, "Why are you watching me sleep?"

Meredith laughed and withdrew her hand, trying to cover up. "Who said I was watching you sleep?" she said, her voice sounding surprisingly deep. After all, she had just woken up from sleep herself.

"Youwere," Derek mumbled incoherently and pulled her body closer to his own. "And you call me a creep when I watch you sleep," he mumbled, tightening his hold around Meredith's waist.

"Fine," Meredith conceded with a roll of her eyes, "I was watching you sleep. Big deal. We are both creeps, happy? We are a – a creepy couple."

Derek chuckled rather loudly, breaking the tranquillity that had been prevailing in the room. "That sounds weird and perverted," he remarked, rubbing his eyes with his free hand and yawning loudly.

"Whatever..." Meredith said, snuggling under the blanket and wrapping her own arm loosely around her husband's torso.

"What time is it?" Derek murmured, fully awake by now.

Meredith turned her head to take a peek at the clock sitting on the bedside table. "9 a.m.," she said, turning her head to look at her husband again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. We are on a vacation; we are supposed to be sleeping in."

Derek shook his head as he scooted even closer to his wife, their foreheads nearly brushing. "Tis okay. According to clock, I should be up anyway. Actually, we should both be up by now, so it's good that we are both up," he said with a smile that was way too cheerful for someone who had just woken up from a deep slumber.

"Why should we both be up? I know you are a morning person, but I am not. I wanna sleep in. We are on a vacation, after all."

"No," Derek said, "We both have to be up. The Cape May Whale Watcher sails at 10:30 sharp, remember?"

Realization dawned on Meredith and she curled up under the blanket as she rejoined, "Oh, right. We are going for a dolphin and whale watch today. I forgot..."

"Yes," Derek said with another chuckle. "We have a lot to do today. After the cruise, we also have to go to Sunset Beach." He threw the blankets off of himself and sat up. "Come on, Mer. Get up," he said, running his hand through Meredith's hair as she kept lying on the bed.

"Don't wanna..." Meredith said, looking up at her husband. "My feet are cold. They have been cold all night. It's irking me," she grumbled, kicking her feet under the blanket.

"They will warm up as soon as we get out," Derek said, looking out the window at the ocean as he absentmindedly ran his hand through his wife's hair. "The weather is sunny today. You'll feel good as soon as we go out to the beach."

"Hmmmm..." Meredith sighed. "I guess you are right. I just need to step into my shoes and then my feet won't be cold anymore," she murmured, still making no move to get up.

Derek looked down at his wife once before suddenly yanking the blankets off of her.

"Derek!" Meredith cried out, glaring at him as her body was deprived of the warmth of the blanket. "What was that?"

"That," Derek said with a laugh, "was the cue for you to get up. Now, get up, lazybones."

"Not fair," Meredith said with a pout as she finally moved out of the bed. "So not fair. You are mean. Very very mean. I don't like you," she said as she tied her hair into a messy bun and walked towards the bathroom.

"I know you don't like me," Derek said with a smile as he arranged the pillows on the bed. "You love me," he said with a smug grin. Meredith stuck her tongue out in response before she walked inside the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

_Oh, and I gotta tell you there's nothin' better_

_You and me together, workin' on forever_

_Everyday with you is always somethin' new_

_You only gotta be yourself_

_And there you go makin' me fall in love again_

* * *

The Cape May Whale Watcher was a 110 feet long vessel with climate controlled cabins and was family owned and operated. It was the largest and fastest whale and dolphin watching boat in the state. As Meredith and Derek went aboard, they saw numerous people strolling on the deck with cameras and camcorders in their hands.

"This boat is too crowded," Meredith remarked as they climbed up to the upper deck.

"Well, this is the only whale and dolphin watching boat in the state. It's supposed to be a little crowded," Derek said as they reached the deck.

"Still..." Meredith said, leaning against the railing. "Couldn't we hire a private boat or something for watching the marine animals?"

"I don't know of such accommodations, but it may have been possible," Derek said with a shrug as he looked at the ocean stretching in front of them. "You need to know people here in order to hire private boats. And since I have never been here before..."

Meredith nodded and stared at her husband for a moment before turning her eyes towards the ocean too. He was wearing a casual black shirt, paired with faded grey jeans. He had his sunglasses on, and his hair wasn't styled as perfectly as it normally was. Meredith looked at her husband and couldn't help but feel a little possessive of him. She had noticed a couple of young women ogling him when they had been getting on the boat, and that was why she had commented that the boat was too crowded. She wouldn't have a problem with the boat being crowded if only the women on the boat could stop staring at _her _husband like he was a piece of steak. But, it wasn't actually the women's fault either. Derek simply looked too good, even in his casual attire. It was only natural that the women couldn't avert their eyes from him. Meredith herself was having a hard time staring at the ocean instead of staring at him.

"You know," Derek said, breaking the peaceful silence, "I have never seen dolphins in the ocean before. I have seen them in the aquarium, but never in the open."

Meredith grabbed the opportunity to turn her eyes back to her husband. Looking at him appraisingly through the dark lenses of her sunglasses, she said, "I have seen dolphins in the open before."

"Really?" Derek said, looking directly at her. "Where?"

"In Portugal," Meredith rejoined. "When I was touring Europe with Sadie," she said with a fond smile.

"Wow, that's so cool," Derek said, smiling as he watched her smile. "So, you are more experienced in this field than I am."

"True," Meredith said with a laugh. "I even did some research on whales and dolphins back then."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Meredith said, taking off her sunglasses. "You know, an interesting fact about dolphins is that they are known to take part in mating activities for purposes other than reproduction. They may do so out of emotional bonding, as humans do."

Derek gave her a sly smirk as he replied, "Oh, so that's what you researched about? Mating in dolphins? Seriously, Meredith?"

"What?" Meredith said with a nonchalant shrug. "It's interesting."

"Sure it is," Derek said, "You have an incredibly dirty mind, you know."

Meredith slapped his bicep in response and cut him a glare. "Shut up!" she exclaimed. "That's not...That's not why I...Ugh, don't make it sound so perverted! I am not interested in how dolphins do the cha-cha, okay?"

"Then, why did you mention it out of all things?"

"Because I thought it's marvellous that dolphins have the capability of bonding emotionally, like us," Meredith said. "Not because of some dirty, porny, perverted reason. You are a perv! That's why you relate everything to stupid, porny things. You are the one with the dirty mind."

"Whatever you'd like to think, dear," Derek said, the smirk plastered on his face. "For the matter, though, I know all about your dirty mind, no matter how much you try to cover it up with your lame excuses."He raised his eyebrows as he looked her in the eye.

Meredith's cheeks coloured as she glared at her husband and then averted her eyes. His innuendo was not lost on her, but she was at a loss as to how to answer back. How did Derek always turn her thought process cold? It was irritating and incredibly sexy at the same time.

When Meredith kept quiet and stared straight ahead, Derek cajolingly took her hand and said, "Okay, no need to give me the cold shoulder. No more dirty comments about dolphins or anyone."

"I am not giving you the cold shoulder," Meredith huffed, "You are just – just...You always take everything back to...You are horny! You are too horny and if you need sex so bad, you should go and have sex with a dolphin!"

"What?!" Derek said, half laughing, half astonished.

"Yes. Dolphins sometimes show signs of sexual activity towards humans they come in contact with, and if you are so horny, then go and screw a dolphin," Meredith said.

"Who said I am horny? I was just...Jeez, Mer, I was just messing with you. I can't believe you told me to go and screw a dolphin," Derek said, profoundly shocked. "And you say I am the pervert."

Meredith kept quiet for a moment before bursting out in laughter. Derek laughed with her as he shook his head at the stupidity of their conversation. They kept laughing together for a long time, not having a care in the world. When was the last time they had laughed together like that? Freely, loudly, completely carefree. It had been ages. And it felt good to be laughing together like that, about something impossibly stupid and lame.

"Oh God..." Meredith breathed out amidst her laughter. "What are we talking about?"

"I dunno..." Derek said, shaking his head. "Screwing dolphins, I guess."

"Derek," Meredith managed to say as she continued to laugh. "We are...It's completely crazy. This is completely crazy..." she murmured, laughing herself silly all the while.

Derek kept laughing too as he said, "I agree. We have gone crazy. It's official now."

"Cape May made us crazy people..." Meredith said as she gasped and clapped her hands to her mouth, her laughter finally ceasing.

"It did," Derek said, wrapping his arm around Meredith's waist and pulling her close. "I still can't believe you told me to screw a dolphin. That was classic..."

"I can't believe it either. What was I thinking?" Meredith asked rhetorically. "I don't know what I was thinking."

"Maybe you were not thinking at all," Derek offered, still chuckling.

"Maybe I wasn't," Meredith agreed. "I know you were jerking my chain, but I just...I wanted to quip back so bad, but I didn't have anything to say, so I..."

"So you told me to go screw a dolphin," Derek finished for her, making Meredith erupt into giggles once more.

"I did," Meredith said, giggling as she leant into Derek's sideways embrace. She stared at the ocean as Derek pressed his cheek to her forehead and chuckled. She had forgotten what it felt like to laugh with her husband like that, over something completely crazy and mindless. She had forgotten, but now she remembered what it felt like. And it felt amazingly good. Laughing like that with Derek, it felt completely carefree, wild, crazy...and good.

_Baby sometimes you can say the craziest things_

_I love how you don't care what nobody thinks_

_You're highly original, totally untypical, never change_

_All I gotta do is look at your smiling face_

_There you go makin' me fall in love again_

_There you go makin' me fall in love again_

"Whoa, there you go! Look at those beautiful dolphins romping in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, guys!" someone announced into the microphone, and Meredith and Derek looked at the ocean to see a pair of dolphins diving in and out of the water.

"Wow," Meredith murmured as she raised her head from Derek's shoulder and gazed at the ocean. "Wow, they are so...so beautiful," she said, a smile spreading out on her face.

Derek looked at the dolphins and then turned his eyes towards his wife's smiling face. "Yes. Yes...So beautiful," he said, causing Meredith to look up at him with a soft blush creeping up on her cheeks.

"The dolphins, Derek," Meredith said, staring straight into her husband's smiling, ocean blue eyes.

"Who said I wasn't talking about the dolphins?" Derek said with a smile as he looked back at her. The duo stared at each other for a long, long moment, time ceasing to exist for them. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, they broke their transfixed gaze and turned their eyes back towards the ocean, gazing at the dolphins romping wildly in the ocean, with permanent smiles plastered on their faces.

* * *

Meredith and Derek walked along the shoreline, hand in hand, their eyes downcast as they walked. After the Whale and Dolphin Watch, the couple had driven all the way to the Sunset Beach to watch the famous sunset and attend the flag lowering ceremony. When they had arrived, the sky had been tinged with pastel hues of peach and yellow with just a tincture of blue. Now, as they walked hand in hand on the beach, the sky was streaked with bright orange, deep gold and a fiery red, and the blue was all but gone.

"Coming here was a good idea," Meredith said as her flip-flops sank into the soft sand, "I can't wait to watch the Flag Ceremony."

"Neither can I," Derek said with a soft smile, "I have heard it's spectacular. After the Flag Ceremony, we can go to The Grille and grab something to eat."

"So, tell me more about these Cape May diamonds you were talking about on our way here," Meredith said, grasping Derek's hand tightly. Taking a walk on the beach with Derek felt nice and comfortable.

"Oh, yeah," Derek said, "I read about them online. Cape May Diamonds are pure quartz crystals found here, on the Sunset Beach. When polished and faceted, these gems have the appearance of real diamonds, hence the name."

"And we can just find these 'diamonds' here, in the sand?" Meredith asked, looking at the ground with close attention.

"Yes, they are washed up on the shore in great abundance. But, we can also buy the polished stones from the gift shops," Derek said, smiling as he watched Meredith trying to spot a stone in the sand.

"There are gift shops here?" Meredith said, looking up at her husband.

"Two," Derek said, holding up two fingers and wiggling them.

"Wow, there's a lot to see in this place," Meredith said, turning her eyes to the ground again. "How much research did you do on this place? You seem to know all the ins and outs," she remarked and suddenly stopped walking, pulling on Derek's hand.

"What?" Derek said, stopping a few inches from her.

"I," Meredith said, squinting at the sand and then looking up. "Nothing. I thought I spotted a "diamond" in there, that's all," she said with a small laugh as she started walking alongside Derek again.

Derek smiled at his wife's childlike curiosity to spot diamonds in the sand. "Zola would have had a hell of a time here, looking for Cape May diamonds," he said, his mind automatically going to his kids.

"Oh yes," Meredith agreed with a nod of her head. "She would have loved to find and collect "diamonds" and even seashells. This place is great for a nice family vacation."

"So, we are definitely coming back, right?"

"Definitely," Meredith said with a lopsided smile as she tucked a strand of stray hair behind her ear. A cool breeze was blowing, causing Meredith's loose curls to fly all around her head. But, she didn't seem to have a care in the world as she strolled with him. "So, what was I saying?"

"You were asking me how much research I did on this place," Derek said, swinging his and Meredith's intertwined hands back and forth between their bodies.

_You're my sunshine, you're my rain_

_Sure feels good to know you feel the same_

_I gotta tell you there's nothin' better_

_You and me together, workin' on forever_

_Everyday with you is always somethin' new_

_Only gotta be yourself_

_And there you go makin' me fall in love again_

"Oh yeah," Meredith said, "So how much research?"

"Tons. Came across some crazy stuff while I was at it," Derek rejoined, feeling a little lightheaded as he watched his wife's eyes sparkle. Her eyes hadn't sparkled like that in a long time, or at least, Derek didn't remember seeing it. She looked...free. Stress free, worry free, tension free...Just free. He had no other words to describe it. The tension that had prevailed between them ever since he had returned from D.C., seemed to be almost non-existent too.

"Crazy stuff? Like what?" Meredith inquired, but her voice was drowned out by a loud, male voice over the PA system. The voice diverted the duo's attention from each other.

"The Evening Flag Ceremony," the man standing afar said into the mic, "is a 40 year old tradition at the Sunset Beach. We are immensely proud of this tradition which has been a staple of our area for over 40 years. All of the flags that we fly at our mast are veterans' casket flags that families bring with them from their loved ones' funerals. We are honoured to fly them here at Sunset Beach."

"Marvin Hume started this tradition of lowering the flag at sunset," Derek said as they started walking towards the mast and the crowd of people gathered around it. "He was sort of a local hero. He passed away earlier this year."

"Oh," Meredith murmured as they neared the mast. Many people were gathered near the mast, and the man who was going to lower the flag, asked the people to stand while a recording of Kate Smith's _God Bless America_, followed by the national anthem played. The man then walked over to the mast and greeted the family of the deceased – the Herff family.

Meredith and Derek looked up to the flag, placing their hands over their hearts and started to sing along. As the flag flew high in the air, Meredith noticed that some people were standing in silence, some were singing along, some were near tears and some were standing with their heads bowed, as though in prayer.

After the song was over, the man started to lower the flag from the mast and Meredith looked to her husband, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"That was..." Meredith murmured, trailing off uncertainly.

"Moving...Emotionally moving," Derek finished for her as Meredith knuckled her eyes.

"It was..." she whispered, looking towards the orange and gold sky. "It was spectacular. Absolutely perfect. I love this beach. We should come here for this flag ceremony every day during our stay," she murmured as Derek took her hand and started leading her away from the beach.

"We should. This is definitely a wonderful experience...The kids would have learnt so much about our history and our brave vets by being here," Derek whispered to Meredith, taking out a handkerchief from his pocket and offering it to her.

"Thanks," Meredith said as she took the handkerchief and dabbed the corners of her eyes with it. "So...Where to now?"

"I bet you are hungry," Derek said. "We can grab dinner at The Grille and then head home."

"Okay," Meredith said, squeezing her husband's hand as they walked towards the restaurant, hand in hand, their hearts filled with nothing but respect for the valiant veterans.

_Makin' me fall in love again_

_(There you go, there you go)_

_Makin' me fall in love again_

_(There you go, there you go)_

_Makin' me fall in love again_

_(There you go, there you go)_

_Makin' me fall in love again..._

* * *

**A/N: I am not a fan of my writing in this chapter, but if I was told to pick a favourite part, I would choose the last bit. Seriously, the experience was moving and thought provoking and left me speechless...And writing about it was definitely a different kind of experience. I personally love Sunset Beach, and I hope I was able to give y'all a glimpse of it too.**

**Let me know what you guys think! Your thoughts are ever appreciated :)**

**Song Lyrics from "Makin' Me Fall in Love Again" by Kellie Pickler**

**~ooOOoo~**

**A reply to the reviews –**

**DarkAndTwistyGrey – **Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! Your words mean a lot to me. Glad you liked the update! Hope you liked this one as well!

**two harts – **Thank you so much! They will bring the kids, but they just need some alone time to heal their relationship. I'm glad you liked it. Hope you liked this one too!

**Paisley Mae – **Thanks so much for the kind words! They make my day! And what a coincidence, I hate wintertime too! Thank you!

**Patsy – **Thank you so so much for the lovely reviews, Patsy! They made my day and my night! I can't express in words how happy I am to hear that you consider me as one of your favourite writers. It truly means a lot to me. You are right, the walls are slowly starting to come down, but we still have half of the way left to heal them. But, you know that I am a diehard MerDer shipper, so I'll never disappoint you. Thank you for the sweet words! You don't know how happy you made me! :)

**Jill – **Thank you so much! Glad you liked Cape May as a vacation spot for them. And you are completely right – the point of this vacation is to make them fall in love with each other again. And coincidentally, that happens to be the title of this chapter too! I agree. If I had my way, Meredith would be falling right into Derek's arms, but Derek hurt her, so he has to make his way back in. Hope you let me know what you think of this chapter! :)

**msnovelist – **Thank you, Hel! You pegged it right on the nose – they are just scratching the surface. More is on the way! And I don't think there's anyone who doesn't love You've Got Mail ;) It's one of my all time favourite movies!

**Susan – **Thanks a lot for the wonderful review! I am trying to make this vacation as romantic as possible, but you know that I can't stay away from angst for long either. There will be some angst, but I promise you, the sexcapades are not far away. MerDer are inching closer again, and it's only a matter of time. I hope you can be patient till then! Thank you!

**unnamedconspirator – **Thank you so much! Glad you like the story so much! I'm so happy to hear that you think so. Hope you let me know what you think of this chapter!

**Carla – **Thank you! Agreed! I wish I was back in Cape May with Derek too! You pegged it right on the nose, though I can't really swear off some angst. Thanks!

**Guest #1 – **Thank you so much! Glad you think so! More is on the way!

**Guest #2 – **Thank you! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Glad you think so. Naked and tangled in the sheets is coming, I promise. Let me know what you think of this chapter! :)

**Ellen – **Thanks a lot for the sweet words! Glad you liked Cape May! Agreed! Derek Shepherd is the epitome of romance, and Meredith won't be able to resist him for long. But, there are still some loose ends to be tied and we'll be dealing with those in the next couple of chapters. Let me know what you think!

**Kiley – **Thank you very much! Happy New Year to you too and your reviews brightened up my day! So happy to hear that you are enjoying this story so much. Let me know what you think of this chapter!

**Guest #3 – **Thank you! Happy New Year to you too! And don't worry, I will see this story through till the very end! :)


	17. Make You Feel My Love

**A/N: I know it's been what? a year since I updated this fic...I know some of you out there are really mad at me, some of you have dismissed this as one of the abandoned stories on the site and some of you are still hoping for a new update. Well, UPDATE's here! Sorry, my dear readers, sorry for leaving you hanging for so long, but at least I didn't leave you hanging on a mean cliffie ;) I have no excuses for the delay except – real life, priorities, etc. etc. Without stalling you further, here's the next instalment of Y&amp;M...**

* * *

_**Make You Feel My Love**_

_When the rain is blowing in your face_

_And the whole world is on your case_

_I could offer you a warm embrace_

_To make you feel my love_

Meredith was feeling snappy. Simple as that. She was feeling snappy, and angry, and really really frustrated with herself, and something else that she couldn't quite describe in words. She just knew that even though it was a bright, sunny morning in Cape May, her mood was anything but that. There was this feeling deep inside her – this feeling of complete and utter...She couldn't rack her brains for the perfect word. But, whatever this feeling was, it was an incredibly unpleasant one. It was grating on her nerves, and she hated herself at the moment. She hated herself for a lot of things at the moment. But, she hated herself most for feeling the way she was that day. She hated the fact that she couldn't just flip on a switch and change her mood. It was out of her control. And that was the worst and most infuriating part of the feeling.

She bustled around her bedroom, not really doing anything important, but just fiddling with things here and there to keep herself busy. Maybe, if she kept herself busy, the feeling would go away and she would be back to the happy self that she had been the previous night at Sunset Beach. The happy self she had been when she had gone to bed with her husband the previous night. The stress free, worry free, carefree, truly happy Meredith Grey. Maybe she would be able to magically transform into that Meredith, that too before her husband woke up. Because, the last thing she wanted was her husband to see her in such a dark, brooding mood and worry about her.

Things had been good between her and Derek the past couple of days. Really good. But, if she interacted with Derek in her current mood, things would tense up again. Words would be thrown, words that both of them would regret later on, and that wouldn't be nice at all. That would mean that all the progress they had made after coming to Cape May would go to waste. And Meredith didn't want that. She dreaded that.

So, she was waiting for her light, happy mood to come back as she moved around the cottage, shifting knick-knacks and dusting tabletops with a small cloth, even though there was really no dust to clean. Cleaning could change her mood. Couldn't it?

Several things were on her mind as she tried to concentrate on rubbing a small spot off the top of the dresser. Several, very distracting thoughts. And thoughts that didn't bode well at all. As hard as she tried not to think about those things, she couldn't help it. They were circulating in her mind like pesky, nagging little pests. She wished the scientists had invented some sort of pesticides to off mind pests, because those were the worst kind of pests. Even worse than the crop pests. Because crop pests destroyed farms, but mind pests ate away at your mind.

Disgruntled! Yes, she had finally found a perfect word to describe her mood. She was feeling disgruntled. Finally. At least that made her feel a little less bad about herself. She could at least describe her own moods now. She was not completely useless and worthless. She wiped the flower vase with a tiny smile playing on her lips. Yes, that felt like some sort of triumph – some sort of success. Naming your own moods.

_When the evening shadows and the stars appear_

_And there is no one there to dry your tears_

_I could hold you for a million years_

_To make you feel my love_

As Meredith put the fresh flowers that she and Derek had bought the previous night back in the flower vase, a pair of strong arms wrapped around her mid-section from behind, causing her to jump up and squeak in alarm.

"What the –" Meredith spun around as the arms tightened around her, and found herself pressed up against her husband's warm, strong body.

"Good morning," Derek said in a chipper voice, leaning in to press a lingering kiss to her cheek. Meredith pulled away from him and pushed him away abruptly.

"Derek! You cannot sneak up on me and scare me like that!" she exclaimed rather loudly.

"But, it's fun to see you get all worked up like that! Even when you know that we are the only two people residing in this house," he said with a smirk that made Meredith's temper tick up. He had no idea that he was hammering the last nail in his coffin at the moment.

"Firstly, a serial killer or axe murderer or psychopath could break into the house," she said, glaring at her husband. "And secondly, do not smirk like that when you have obviously crossed a line and broken one of our rules here. You're making me angry."

The smirk plastered on Derek's face fell off when he heard the irritation in his wife's voice. "Mer...I –"

"And third, do NOT call me Mer! My name is Meredith, so if you have to call me, call me by my real name. Not by some pesky little pet name you've come up with overnight. I'm not your pet, so don't call me pet names," Meredith browbeat, before storming away into the bedroom, leaving a completely horrified Derek in her wake.

Derek stood in his spot like a zombie for a few minutes, trying to understand exactly what had transpired between him and his wife. What exactly had he done wrong? He had just gone and hugged his wife to wish her a good morning. And she had gone off at him like a volcano. What was his fault again?

Getting over the initial shock of his wife's demeanour, Derek walked inside the bedroom, having decided that he had done absolutely nothing wrong. Well, not that he knew of. He hadn't deserved to be browbeaten like that for no reason at all. He had to stand up for himself. Meredith was being unreasonable.

"Meredith," he said calmly as he entered the bedroom and found her sitting in front of the mirror, brushing her hair, "I call you Mer all the time! It's not a pet name, and it's definitely not a pet name I came up with overnight. I have called you Mer for as long as I can remember. Why are you so angry at me for using it?"

"Because," Meredith said, locking eyes with him in the mirror, fury glimmering in her grey-green irides, "I don't want to be called Mer right now. It's as simple as that. And besides, you don't get to call me Mer after you have broken one of our rules."

"What rule have I broken? I didn't even do anything," he replied, totally perplexed.

"Yes, you did. You came up and embraced me from behind all of a sudden. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't give you permission for it."

"Permission?!" Derek said amidst a soft, sarcastic chuckle. "Since when do I need permission to hug my own wife?"

"Since you decided to play tongue hockey with your labrat. Didn't think you'd need permission from your wife for that either, huh?" Meredith bit back, not bothering to be any less vicious in her attack.

"You – how – Wha – Meredith! Where is this coming from?" he managed to sputter, completely taken aback by his wife's words. They hadn't talked about this topic in a long time. Derek had finally thought that she was getting over it – that she was forgetting it. But, every single time he thought that, his wife proved him wrong.

"I don't know. Maybe it's coming from the fact that you broke one of our rules," Meredith said with a nonchalant shrug, least bothered by what she had just said.

"Which rule have I broken, for God's sake?!"

"The rule about intimacy. There is only a certain level of intimacy that exists between us right now. Limited intimacy, thanks to you. And what you did out there in the hall? Not acceptable. Not acceptable at all," she said, shaking her head.

"What rule about intimacy? I didn't know there was a rule about intimacy," he said, bewilderment mingling with slight anger.

"Well, I just made one up," Meredith threw back in a stern voice, "So...Hark, for future use."

"You can't just make up a rule like that, whenever you feel like, without even consulting me. And even if there was such a rule, I most certainly didn't break it. Hugging is like the primary level of intimacy. It doesn't even fall in the category of intimacy. Besides, we hug each other all the time now. Since when did it become a problem again?"

"I don't know!" she yelled. "Maybe, I just didn't feel like being hugged by you today. Will you stop catechizing me now?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know when you want to be hugged by me and when you don't? You expect me to read your mind now? Sorry, Meredith, I'm not a psychic," Derek yelled back.

"You – You are not a psychic. You're an asshole. You're an asshole of the first degree," Meredith said through gritted teeth.

"Meredith, do –"

"Can we just end this conversation here?" Meredith asked testily, throwing her hands up in the air. "Just...Please, please, let's stop talking right now. Go to the next room. Just go. Otherwise, we'll end up yelling a lot of bad things at each other."

Derek wanted to yell some more at his wife for acting like such a bitch so early in the morning and for being so unreasonable, but he controlled himself and decided that Meredith's idea of ending the conversation was rational. At this point, he was only this much away from calling her a bitch to her face. Only this much. So, it would be better to talk to her later, after both of them had had the time to cool down.

And so, he ran a hand through his messy curls, let out a frustrated sigh and made his way out of the room.

* * *

Derek sat at the edge of the bed in the adjacent bedroom, his eyes closed. He was still thinking about his earlier altercation with Meredith. The Cape May charm seemed to be gone, and Meredith had gone back to being bitchy Meredith of Seattle. God, would this journey ever end? Would he and Meredith ever be able to go back to being happy? He had thought that they were making their way to that place after arriving in Cape May. But boy had he been wrong. Every single time he thought they had climbed up the ladder, Meredith brought them down, right back to the place where they had started. He admitted that he had made a mistake – a huge one, but Meredith had decided to forgive him. She had decided to forgive him, but she didn't look like she was trying at all. He had kissed Renee, but it had been one damn kiss! Just one damn kiss. Was a single kiss, a single moment of weakness enough to wreck years of love and trust? It couldn't be. There had to be some other way. There must be something they were doing wrong.

"You still mad at me?" He didn't have to open his eyes to know that she had entered the room. He had immediately smelt the whiff of lavender in the air, even before she had spoken.

Opening his eyes, but not looking up at her, he said, "I don't know. You tell me. You still feeling angry?" with a sigh.

"I am," she replied, crouching down in front of him and placing her hands tentatively on his knees. His first instinct was to push her hands away, but he didn't. She was his wife, and she was going through a phase right now. A phase that he had forced on her. He couldn't give her all the blame. And besides, placing the blame was not going to help their situation. "But, I'm not feeling angry at you," she continued, "I'm...I'm feeling angrier at myself."

"Angrier?" Derek asked, finally looking up to meet her grey-green eyes that expressed every emotion she was feeling so vividly. "You mean, you were feeling angry at yourself before?"

She nodded, and looked down. Derek expelled another sigh before covering her hands with his own. No words were spoken between the two for a few minutes as they just sat there, holding each other's hands.

"I'm sorry," she finally murmured, "I'm sorry for being so bitchy and unreasonable. It's just that...Never mind. I'm really sorry for spoiling your morning."

"I'm sorry too," Derek said, squeezing her hands tightly.

"For what?" she said with a small laugh. "You didn't even yell at me. Or maybe you did. But only once."

"I'm sorry for wanting to yell at you, and...And for wanting to call you a bitch. That's wrong. I shouldn't be wanting that," he rejoined, shaking his head.

"Okay," she said, looking up at him through her eyelashes with puppy dog eyes, "So apology accepted on both sides?"

Derek's lips curled up in a small smile. It was next to impossible to stay mad at his wife for long. She was just...It was just the very essence of Meredith Grey. "Apology accepted on both sides," he said.

"Good. I'd hug you right now, but remember how I told you that I didn't feel like being hugged by you today? Well, that feeling is still there," she said, biting her lower lip and giving him an apologetic smile.

Derek intertwined his fingers with hers and said, "Do you want to talk about that feeling? About why you're mad at yourself?"

"I don't know..." Meredith trailed off uncertainly. "I guess I don't want to, as I am me, but I'd be breaking one of our rules if I didn't, and talking definitely helps, so...Maybe. Yeah," she thought out loud, looking to her husband.

"Come, sit beside me. I'll walk you through the process of talking about how you're feeling," Derek said, untangling his fingers from hers and patting the spot next to him. Meredith stood up with a loud sigh and plopped down on the bed beside him. Derek immediately took her right hand in his and started stroking her palm with the pad of his thumb. "So...Why are you feeling so angry this morning?"

"I...um...I've been brooding a lot, and brooding leads to anger. So, yeah," she said, keeping her eyes fixed on their joined hands.

"But, you were so happy last night! You were rambling and talking incessantly, and you were so carefree and happy and bubbly! We spent yesterday together, and you definitely didn't brood yesterday. You were so happy to spot the dolphins and watch the Flag Ceremony at Sunset Beach. You bought flowers on our way home. You were happy, Meredith. _We _were happy," Derek pointed out.

"I was," she said with a nod, smiling slightly at the wonderful memories of the previous day. "I was truly happy, Derek, up until the time we went to bed. And I guess that's what led to the brooding."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, after we went to bed last night, you went straight to sleep. But, I couldn't sleep. As I lay in bed, awake, I started thinking, naturally. At first, I was thinking about how great the day had been and how lovely everything had been. But, then, as things happen in thoughts, one thought led to another and suddenly I found myself thinking... We are happy. We are crazy happy here in Cape May. And it rings a bell. Because we used to be this happy once upon a time. This happiness is not new to us. We were this happy at some point in our marriage. We were. But then, what happened? What went wrong that resulted in us fighting all the time and then you walking away from me? What happened between us that sent you to D.C. and made us so emotionally distant that you had to kiss another woman to realize that you wanted me in your life and not someone else? And I just kept thinking, you know. I kept trying to figure out what went wrong, which puzzle piece is missing, but I failed to do so. I couldn't pinpoint the reason, nor the time when we stopped being happy. It was like, we were happy one moment, and then suddenly, the next moment, our marriage is on the rocks and you have kissed another woman. I couldn't figure out when we made the transition from happy to marriage-on-the-rocks. And as I tried harder and harder to figure it out – the cause of it all, and failed again and again, the angrier I became. I wanted to – no, I still want to know the exact reason and time when we stopped being happy, but I can't figure it out. I want to know what exactly was missing from our relationship, our marriage, that made us unhappy, that made us resent each other and that sent you running to find comfort in the arms of another woman. I want to know what was missing from the essence of...us, that made you feel attracted to another woman, after so many years of marriage. I mean, it has never happened to us before, and we've had our fair share of ups and downs. I want to figure it out, but I can't. And that makes me snappy, irritable, angry, frustrated, disgruntled...and a ton of other things," Meredith finished her monologue, a single tear rolling down her cheek as she kept her gaze on their hands.

"Oh, Mer..." Derek raised his unoccupied hand and cupping her cheek with his palm, he pressed a soft, tender kiss to her temple.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for snapping at you for no reason at all, I truly am. But, Derek, please, please tell me why...Why did we end up like this? What happened between us that caused things to change so drastically? What? Please tell me, Derek. I feel like we'll never be able to move past this roadblock if we never find the answer to this question." Meredith choked back a sob.

"I wish I could give you an answer, Mer. I really wish I could. But, I don't know...I don't know..." he whispered into her hair.

"But, how can you not know? How can neither of us know? We are the ones in this marriage, Derek. We have to know when things went wrong and we stopped being happy. And I...I..." Meredith let out a full blown sob before saying, "I can't be more intimate with you. I can't make love to my own husband. I can't do that, because I'm too scared that we'll make love, and you'll say Renee's name."

"Meredith –"Derek protested in a strong voice.

"But, I know you won't. I know you won't do that because you love me, not her. Half of my heart knows that. But, the other half? It's just too scared of things that are never going to happen in real life. You know, back in Seattle, sometimes, I just watched you sleep and wondered if you'd say "Renee" or "I love you, Renee" or something like that in your sleep. I know that is never going to happen, but sometimes, when I feel too damn insecure and threatened by Renee, these kinds of thoughts creep in. And that is exactly why we need to figure out the cause of the downfall of our marriage. I feel like if I have an answer to why our marriage is on the rocks, why you kissed Renee, what situation between us led you to kiss Renee, then I won't be as insecure anymore. But, I just can't figure out why," Meredith finished on another sob, fisting her hand and bringing it down on the mattress in frustration.

"Mer..." Derek whispered, wrapping both his arms around his wife and pulling her into a soothing, affectionate embrace. He didn't have any words of comfort to offer to her. But, sometimes, gestures work better than words.

"I know I don't have an answer to your questions at the moment," he murmured, still holding her tightly in his arms, "But, I promise you, I'll think about it. I'll try to figure it out. We'll both try to figure it out. And by the time we leave, we'll be a happier couple. I promise you."

"Okay..." Meredith said shakily. "Okay..."

"Don't cry, Mer," he said, pressing a kiss to her hair. "No power in this world can stop us from being happy, even without the answers. We'll be happy. I'll make you happy, just like I made you yesterday."

"I don't think that's gonna happen. I'm having one of my really bad days today, Derek," she whispered into his shoulder.

"You just wait and watch, Meredith Grey. Just wait and watch how I turn your really bad day into a really good day," he said, still enveloping his wife in a tight hug and stroking her hair gently.

_I know you haven't made up your mind yet_

_But I would never do you wrong_

_I've known it from the moment that we met_

_No doubt in my mind where you belong_

* * *

An hour later, Meredith and Derek found themselves seated in the front row of a jolly red and green coloured trolley.

"Derek, I'm not really in the mood for a trolley tour," Meredith mumbled as their tour guide, Jane, introduced herself to them.

"Mer, I've heard that these trolley tours are great. They will take us to different portions of Cape May, and tell us entertaining stuff," Derek replied, taking Meredith's hand in his and giving it a soft squeeze. "I promise you'll feel better by tonight," he assuaged, kissing her knuckles gently.

"I hope so," Meredith said, looking out the open window of the trolley.

The first stop on the tour was George Allen House. It was an elegant Italianate villa that stood on 720 Washington Street. "Samuel Hall designed the frame, central hall plan and the Italianate villa. It was constructed in 1863. This house is called one of the State's most impressive 19th century seaside structures," Jane explained to the passengers. Derek sneaked a glance at his wife, only to find her staring at the house out the window with a deadpan expression on her face.

Next came the Atlantic Terrace Houses located on Jackson Street. The architect of these houses was Stephen Decatur Button and the builder was William Cassedy. They consisted of seven essentially identical balloon frame houses built on the site of the Atlantic Hotel. Each house was three storeys in height, with a one storey porch and a bay window with an ogee roof at the second storey. The houses faced an off-street courtyard.

By the time the trolley reached the Baltimore Hotel on Hughes Street, Derek noticed that a tiny smile had crept up on Meredith's lips at some point as she stared out the window. Smiling triumphantly to himself, Derek laced his fingers with hers and concentrated on what Jane was saying.

As the trolley passed the Cape Island Presbyterian Church, the Cape May City Firehouse and the Cape May High School that was now used as City Hall, Derek found Meredith staring out the window in great awe. She had taken out her phone, and was taking snaps of the different places they were stopping at.

Carroll Villa was an eclectic Victorian style villa with Italianate motifs. Next was Chalfonte Hotel which was Cape May's oldest and most ornate large hotel. Then, the trolley stopped at Horatio Church House, and as Jane talked about the shingled walls and gable and turned porch posts of the house, Meredith snapped a photo of it on her phone.

"Enjoying the tour so far?" Derek asked, placing his hand on her knee.

"I am loving this tour, Derek!" Meredith rejoined, not taking her eyes off the house. "This city is full of Victorian architecture, and I love it. Those times were so beautiful...I saw a lot of Victorian architecture in Europe too."

"I'm happy that you're enjoying this tour. These buildings really are spectacular," Derek said, smiling as Meredith snapped another photo.

"You wanna know a secret?" Meredith asked, turning to him with a childlike smile on her face. All the tension and stress that had plagued her beautiful face in the morning was now gone. There was no trace of it, and Derek was happy there wasn't.

"Of course, I do. Spill," he said.

"Well, when I was in Europe, road tripping with Sadie, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do in life. I was fresh out of college, and I knew I didn't want to become a surgeon like my mother. As I and Sadie toured Europe, the idea of becoming an architect embedded itself in my mind. It just wouldn't leave my head! I wanted to be an architect so bad back then, even though I didn't know a thing about architecture," she replied with a chuckle.

"You wanted to be an architect? You? Really?"

"Finding it hard to believe, right?" Meredith said with a laugh.

"Extremely," Derek answered.

"Thinking about it retrospectively, I find it so hard to believe too! Now I know that I was always cut out to be a surgeon, not an architect. It'd have been so out of character, so unlike me if I had been anything other than a surgeon. I simply wouldn't have been happy with my job and my life. I know this sounds terrible, but if my mom hadn't got Alzheimer's, I'd have never decided to be a surgeon. And that would have sucked. So, I guess, I have to thank my mom's disease for the life I am leading now."

"Hmm...I'm glad that things turned out the way they did, and you became a surgeon. Not that I wouldn't have loved you if you weren't a surgeon and were an architect, but you know what I mean..." Derek said.

"How do you know we'd have even met each other if I had been an architect? Our entire love story revolves around the fact that we are both surgeons and work in the same hospital," Meredith said, giggling.

"I know we'd have met somehow. If not this way, then that way. Soulmates always end up with each other," Derek replied in a confident voice.

Meredith's eyes widened a bit and a smile instantly tugged at the corner of her lips. She looked into her husband's loving blue eyes, captivated, hypnotized, mesmerized by them. All those unpleasant feelings from the morning were non-existent now, thanks to him. He always knew how to buck her up when she was low. Always. Even if that meant he had to dance it out with her. And she loved him for that. For being so uniquely...him. In that moment, all Meredith could feel was love and care. She felt like she was enclosed in a little bubble of love and happiness, created by her amazing husband. Soulmates, indeed. They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, blue clashing with grey-green, lost in their own little world, before Jane's voice brought them back to reality. Breaking their transfixed gaze, Meredith tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear and covered Derek's hand that was resting on her knee with her own. Looking to her husband with smiling eyes, she said, "You're right. Soulmates always find each other in the end."

* * *

"Are you scared?"

"No," Derek said with a chuckle. "You?"

"Not a jot," Meredith replied with a shake of her head. "Don't you think this is ironical? We're supposed to be scared. We are on a 'ghost' tour, after all."

"Well, the tour hasn't begun yet."

"But still...We are seated in a dark and shadowy trolley lit with lanterns and occupied by few passengers. The trolley is standing in the middle of a dimly lit, desolate street. It's 9 p.m. – the perfect time for the Cape May ghosts to come out. We should be scared, Derek."

Derek shook his head as he gave her a sarcastic smile. "You're mocking me for bringing you on this ghost tour, aren't you?" he asked with a grimace.

"Hell yes!" Meredith said with a full-blown laugh. "I mean, this is so ridiculous! There are not any ghosts in Cape May...There are not any ghosts anywhere. Period."

"So, you don't believe in ghosts?"

"No, I don't," Meredith said firmly. "Don't tell me you do...You don't, right?"

"I don't know," Derek said with a shrug. "I don't believe in "ghosts." But, I believe in souls...Spirits...Bodiless beings..."

"What?!" Meredith's mouth fell open. "You believe in spirits?!"

Derek nodded solemnly.

"How can you believe in spirits, Derek? You're a surgeon, for God's sake! You can't possibly believe in spirits!"

"Why not?" Derek asked with a quizzical expression.

"Really? Really? You are asking me that? Science doesn't believe in spirits, Derek," Meredith said defiantly.

"Well, science hasn't been able to account for the life and death of any creature yet. Think about it. We are surgeons. We fix people. But we can fix people only while they are alive. Why can't we fix them once they are dead?" Derek queried.

"Because their heart stops functioning?" Meredith said, silently asking "so?"

"Exactly! Now, we carry out heart transplants all the time. Once a person's heart stops functioning, why can't we do a heart transplant on that person and bring that person back from the dead? Why is it that a heart transplant works only when a person is alive?" Derek pointed out.

Meredith bit her lower lip for a moment, before saying, "It doesn't matter. It definitely doesn't happen because the person's soul leaves his or her body!"

"Oh, but I think it does," Derek said with a nod.

"Wow! I never knew my husband believed in souls and spirits. It's like, I'm discovering a whole new side of you here in Cape May," she said, shaking her head disbelievingly.

"Well, maybe Cape May brings out another side in us," Derek said with a smile, "Or maybe, we just never took the time to know these little things about each other."

Meredith looked to him, the meaning of his seemingly simple statement clear as day to her. Her lips curled up in a tiny, lopsided, regretful smile as their tour guide boarded the trolley and started talking.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! I'm Louisa, and I'm going to be your tour guide on this ghost tour of Cape May," the tour guide, a short, dark-haired woman said.

"Let me tell you a little bit about our first stop on this tour," Louisa said, "Our starting point will be Beach Avenue and Ocean Street. As we cross Beach Ave, we stop across from the Inn of Cape May. This is one of my favourite haunts in town. The fourth and fifth floors are particularly active. If you're lucky, and stay here a few nights, you may encounter the "Lady in Blue." She is a former housekeeper who still checks on the rooms. She has been seen as a ghost wearing a luminous blue dress, hence the name. If you're extra lucky, you may encounter the two dead children who have haunted the hotel since they both drowned almost 100 years ago. They are heard running up and down the hallways late at night, calling each other's names. Maybe they'll call _yours._" Louisa finished speaking in a soft whisper as the trolley came to a stop.

Meredith stared out the window at the inn with wide eyes. It was a large, white Victorian style inn with dozens of glass windows, wooden balconies, turrets and signature purple awnings. It did look a little like those haunted houses, but it was improbable since the inn was still in use and people were living in it every day. There weren't any ghosts there. Were they? Unconsciously, she reached for Derek's hand.

"Whoa, feeling scared, are we?" her husband whispered in her ear.

Meredith turned around and glared at him. "I'm not scared. Why would I be? You think a small ghostly tale is enough to frighten Meredith Grey?"

"It's okay if you're scared and want to hold my hand. I'm here to protect you," Derek said with a smirk. "Cosy up," he said, draping his arm around his wife's shoulder and pulling her closer.

"Ugh!" Meredith said, annoyed, as she shook his arm off. "I'm not scared, Derek. I just wanted to hold your hand. Can't I want to hold my husband's hand? Fine, I won't hold your hand. I am not scared!"

"Okay," Derek said with a smile as the trolley moved on. "Did you like those purple awnings at the inn? Maybe we should have them in our house."

"I liked them, but I think our house looks better without them. One person would be really really happy if we got purple awnings though," Meredith said with a fond smile. "Zola."

"Yeah...She loves anything purple..."

"She'd have loved the inn just because of those purple awnings. I wish she were here with us." Meredith let out an audible sigh.

"We'll positively bring her and Bailey here. Maybe as early as next year." He squeezed his wife's hand, both of them feeling their children's absence greatly at the moment.

Louisa continued her spiel in a spooky whisper. "Our next stop is the Hotel Macomber, formerly known as the Stockton Villa. The spooky activities begin in the lower level of the hotel where Diane's Boo-Tique is located and include radios suddenly going on or abruptly shutting off, or turning the dial to Country Western music. Upstairs right off the lobby is the dining room at Union Park Restaurant which has also been the scene of many a sighting. There are tales of a woman walking through the dining room and kitchen wearing a shabby waitress uniform. Tales of table cloths lifting up from tables and the chef's knives being moved from one spot to another are frequently heard. But, the most eerie story at Macomber comes from Room #10. An older woman whose children treated her to a stay at the Stockton Villa in the 1940s – the summer after her husband died, came back summer after summer throughout the decade with her steamer trunk, and always stayed in Room #10. According to experts, she is still coming back. Heavy furniture or possibly a trunk can be heard moving across the room throughout the night whenever the lady is back in town, which is usually about three or four times a summer."

Meredith looked up into the window of Room #10 from her seat, craning her neck, trying to ascertain if there were really any ghosts inhabiting the place. However, gazing at the Hotel Macomber in all its glory at twilight, she instantly developed a liking for the place. It was another fine example of Victorian architecture, and even though she had little belief in the ghost stories being told by their tour guide, she thought it was a wonderful opportunity for them to see more of the town.

The next stop was the town's oldest, and arguably the most beautiful street – Jackson Street. Louisa told them about Harriett's B&amp;B, where guests had reported seeing a lady in her dressing gown, standing in front of a mirror and brushing her hair in the servant's quarter. She was transparent, as Louisa told them, except for part of her face.

"Harriett's reminds me of a B&amp;B I stayed at in Paris," Meredith said to him as her eyes raked over the building. "Sadie and I stayed there for a weekend. The bed and breakfast was lovely – so warm and inviting. And the host was very cordial too."

"You had a great time in Europe, didn't you?"

"One of the best times of my life," she said with a fond smile.

"Maybe we can go to Europe sometime," Derek murmured.

"Maybe...Once the kids are older," she said with a nod.

As the trolley moved through the dark, winding streets and alleys of Cape May, Meredith couldn't help the smile that crossed her face as she leaned her head against her husband's shoulder and listened to the various ghostly tales of the town.

_I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue_

_I'd go crawling down the avenue_

_No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do_

_To make you feel my love_

* * *

"That ghost tour was fun. It was fun listening to all those ghost stories, even though I didn't believe in them. Plus, we got to see some more of Cape May and its historic buildings. Interesting. You have to admit though, Mary was the funniest ghost on the tour. I was trying to suppress my laughter instead of quivering with fear," Meredith said as she and Derek walked inside their cottage late at night.

"Which one was that again?" Derek asked as he shucked his jacket.

"You forgot? The one who was addicted to giving blow jobs in the early 1900s. 'It is said that whoever stays in her residence wakes up with a sore throat more often than not,'" she mimicked Louisa's grave voice and then burst into laughter. "Louisa was trying so hard to make the story sound as frightening as she could, but I could see that she herself wanted to laugh at it."

Derek chortled as he sat down on the bed and took off his shoes. "Yeah, that one was hilarious. I had to cover your mouth to keep you from laughing. The other passengers were giving us a weird look."

"Well, you are one to talk. I thought you were going to come running to me like a scared little boy or worse, pee in your pants with fear," Meredith said with another laugh as she plopped down beside him.

"Why would you think that?" Derek asked, shocked and embarrassed.

"You did say prior to the tour that you believe in ghosts," Meredith pointed out.

"I said I believe in spirits and souls, not ghosts. And the ghost stories they told us on the tour – they were just lame."

"So you finally admit it that the ghost tour was lame," Meredith said with a roll of her eyes.

"I didn't say that. I said the stories were lame. Not the tour itself. As you said, the tour allowed us to see Cape May in a different light. Plus, it made you laugh your face off, and that's the biggest gift for me."

Meredith looked up in her husband's eyes and held his gaze. He was doing it again. Saying and doing all the right things that made him McDreamy in the first place. Things that made her...made her want to kiss him senseless. Things that made her want to jump his bones.

"Seeing me laugh is your biggest gift?" she asked, biting her bottom lip as she lowered her gaze to his lips. It had been way too long since she had kissed him. Way too long.

"Yes. Your laughter is music for my ears," he said, wanting to kiss her just as much but not pushing his limits. He wanted her to make the first move. Especially after the way she had been in the morning.

Meredith looked back into his eyes again and gave him a simper. She moved slightly on the bed so that she was sitting closer to her husband, their arms lightly brushing. She stared into her husband's eyes a moment longer, seeing the desire and hope glimmering in his eyes. She was sure that he wanted it as much as she did. Deciding to bite the bullet, Meredith closed her eyes partly and leaned closer to him.

Derek didn't dare move. He feared that if he moved, the spell would be broken and Meredith would pull away. So, he stayed where he was and closed his eyes in anticipation.

Their lips were mere centimetres apart, and Derek could feel her breath fanning his cheek. As he finally moved his head a little, their lips almost brushed together. Almost.

They both jumped up and pulled away from each other when they heard someone's phone going off.

"Uh...um...It's me," Derek said, reaching into the back pocket of his pants and pulling out his phone. "Amy," he said in an irritated murmur. His sister had such impeccable timing. He and Meredith were this close...this close to sharing their first kiss in months, and his sister had to choose that time to call him.

"Oh, um...Say hi to her on my behalf," Meredith mumbled, feeling awkward. "I'll...I'll go and change," she said, getting up from the bed and walking inside the bathroom with a sigh.

_The storms are raging on the rolling sea_

_And on the highway of regret_

_The winds of change are blowing wild and free_

_You ain't seen nothing like me yet_

"Hello, Amy," Derek said into the phone.

"Hi, Derek. How are you? How is Meredith? Everything alright?" Amelia said on the other end.

Everything was going to be alright, until you came and butted, Derek said inwardly. "I'm good. Meredith is good as well. We had a little fight this morning, but now her dark and twisty mood is gone."

"Oh...You had a fight? Who picked it up this time?"

"Meredith did. But, it's all fine now. Actually, you just interrupted a moment between me and her," he said with a groan.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Amelia said in an apologetic voice. "You guys hadn't called yet, so I thought I'd call to check up on you. Sorry."

"It's fine," Derek said, even though it was not. They were this close. But, every single time..."How are the kids?"

"The kids are great. They are having the time of their life with their grandma and me...So, how is Cape May treating you? You keeping my sister happy?"

"Cape May has been lovely so far. And of course I'm keeping her happy. That was the point of bringing her here."

"Good. She really needed this vacation, Derek, and I was gonna suggest it to you if you hadn't talked her into it before. She was so stressed and tensed and worried here in Seattle, what with work, the kids, and the tension between you two, and you going back to D.C...I got so scared for her when she had the panic attack. I thought she was sinking into depression and needed therapy –"Amelia didn't get the chance to finish her sentence.

"Wait a sec. What panic attack?!" Derek asked, confused.

"The one she had when you were back in D.C...Boy, you forget things so easily..."

"Meredith had a panic attack when I was in D.C.?" Derek asked, his jaw slack.

"Oh my God! She didn't tell you about it? Shit..." Amelia murmured.

"Hey, you still talking to Amy? Gimme the phone, I wanna talk to her too," Meredith said, coming out of the bathroom in her nightshirt and sweatpants, her hair up in a messy bun.

Derek spun around, the phone still pressed to his ear. "You had a panic attack when I was in D.C.?" he asked.

Meredith's eyes widened. She locked eyes with him, only to find anger and bewilderment staring back at her. She gulped, not knowing what to say to him to pacify him.

"What, you didn't feel the need to tell me about it?" He gave a bitter laugh. "Of course. I'm not your husband. I'm your next door neighbour. Why would you tell me about it? Why would you tell me anything?"

"Derek, I – "Meredith started to say in a feeble voice, but Derek raised his hand, gesturing her to stop.

"No need to explain yourself. I've got all the explanation I need. I thought you had changed – that you were trying, but no...You'll never change. You're unchangeable. You just don't feel the need to put in your share of efforts. Clearly, our marriage means nothing to you," he said, slinging his phone on the bed and brushing past Meredith. Meredith tried to move, but she couldn't. Her legs just wouldn't budge. She stood rooted in her spot as she heard Derek walk across the living room, followed by a bang of the front door minutes later.

_I could make you happy, make your dreams come true_

_Nothing that I wouldn't do_

_Go the ends of the Earth for you_

_To make you feel my love_

_To make you feel my love..._

* * *

**A/N: I did promise you some angst in this chapter, didn't I? Meredith did a big mistake by not telling Derek about her panic attack. Now, what's next for our duo? Buckle in, because this is going to be one hell of a ride!**

**Let me know if you guys are still out there, reading this little story. I sincerely hope you haven't abandoned me, but I wouldn't blame you if you did. **

**Song Lyrics from "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele**

**~ooOOoo~**

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews on last chapter! Love them...Live for them :)**


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